Family and Friends Forum

I have been lurking on this community for a while trying to feel a sense of comfort in amongst the storm, so to speak but it's genuinely a massive struggle. My son has a very unique case (so we've been told by solicitors) but it's also attracted a lot of media coverage and vigilante threats, as well as sharing all over Facebook. I am therefore mindful of protecting his identity so don't want to release too much information in this post because let's just say the media version of events miss out a lot of facts and almost paint him as a predatory monster.

bit of a back story my son is autistic and has struggled with relationships his entire life. He was bullied a lot at school and we tried numerous schools but he got himself kicked out of most of them (including incidents where he trashed the headteachers office). Eventually he was assessed as being autistic and we found a special needs residential school in Sussex run on the Steiner principle which was very different to the typical mainstream environment. It was such a difference for him I just wish we'd found it sooner because he wasn't able to start there until just before his 17th birthday and, by age 19, he'd "aged out" (despite really not being ready to leave). Between 14-17 he'd been homeschooled with tutors sent privately after getting kicked out of the latest mainstream school. In his last mainstream school they gave him 2 support workers to sit in the classroom with him which I genuinely believe made him a target for the bullies. I genuinely feel guilty for getting mad at him instead of trying to listen to him and there is a lot I wish I had done differently to try and support him.

One may morning in 2016 (around 7am) a squad of police descended on our house and we were informed they were from the "Child exploitation and online protection" team. They seized all computer equipment but they did not arrest my son (initially they came with the intention of doing so but they clearly saw my son was vulnerable and changed their approach a little bit opting to interview him in our dining room with a recording machine). I'm a little concerned that they did not give him a legal team but my son was really honest with them about the type of material he'd been watching online (I had absolutely no idea). But he did say that he had made "friends" online who had sent him things and told him that this is what people do when they love each other. He told me he thought it was "weird" but was "curious" and had "no idea" real people were being harmed. "I thought it was a weird movie" he said "is this what people do when they love you?". This is where our journey begins...

He was classed as a "low risk" yet slapped with a suspended sentence and probation. We found him a lawyer before his court appearance but he kept insisting to them how guilty he felt about "being bad" that he "didn't want to use his autism as an excuse". Part of me wishes I had stepped in and insisted they dig deeper into his history but everything was a massive shock to me I didn't really know how to feel. But thinking about it now I feel like maybe he might have got more help? If only they'd tried to understand him as a person?

Since 2016 we got him into supported accommodation with a team of staff (support workers) who visit him at his flat to help him. At first this was great support, really genuine, really understanding, really supportive. But over the years it's gradually got worse and worse...staff shortages, sickness, etc had resulted in his support hours not being delivered or cancelled at the last minute. A social services review last year decided to cut his hours from 26 a week to 6, which really hit him like a truck. Out of those 6, almost every week around half of those are cancelled due to lack of staff. In 2022 he was subjected to another dawn raid, out of the blue. I later learned he was suspected of "communicating with multiple police forces purporting to be a young child victim of sexual abuse". And he was arrested for breaking his SHPO (by creating an account other than in his own name...that of a child). This is where everything gets very confusing...

he was not arrested for sexually offending against children but in a rather odd twist of events he had seemingly been talking to multiple police forces online, on their social media pages (official police pages), adopting the identity of a young boy, telling them about his "friend" who was asking for "naughty pictures" and giving him credits for Xbox...fortnight? The CPS document states how police were "concerned for a vulnerable child" and launched a nationwide investigation to try and locate this boy in order to safeguard him. But in doing so they deciphered that the account belonged to my son, who they describe as a "registered sex offender" and suddenly they no longer wanted to "help" any longer. I don't know how to feel about this because I know my son, I know his vulnerabilities, and he's always craved friends often telling me how lonely and depressed he feels while really having no clue how to make them. I have seen the conversation he was having with this "friend", who has since been identified as another "sex offender" and it sends chills down my spine that this man was talking to my son, believing my son to be a vulnerable child, and was making him feel so loved and so cared for while teaching him disgusting things. To anyone else's son this would be classed as "grooming" but since it's my son who was the "victim" he's not seen as a "victim" but rather as some sort of messed up sex offender.

He was immediately remanded to prison by the police and the CPS, and then the following day by the magistrates court where he was described in court as a "high risk of serious harm" because he was "posing as a child online". He was taken in a prison van to the local prison and this is where the next stage of our journey begins...

reading the transcripts of the conversation he was having with one of the police social media pages (believing him at the time to be a "vulnerable child") he was told he "was not in any trouble", can "trust us", and "we only want to help you". He tells me now that he can't trust anybody because "nice" people "mess with your head" and the people who say they want to help only punish. Ever since that day he has stopped speaking to anybody. For a while he was told by police comments like "you can stop playing this game now, it doesn't wash with us" and "we know you can talk" and in the media article that followed people were commenting things like "beat him he'll soon talk". The media article conveniently left out the truth about what happened choosing only to focus on the fact that a "sex offender" had broken a court order. By the time the case got to court he had been assessed by a forensic psychologist who concluded that my son was suffering from an autistic regression, possibly trauma related, and that this needed urgent investigation by specialist autism teams. He was released from prison a month after being remanded, and I had the opportunity to speak to multiple of the officers involved in his care who quite openly told me "he shouldn't be here, this is not the appropriate environment for him" and "he needs therapy, not prison". So I immediately got to work trying to make referrals to the specialist autism teams, as did one of his support workers. Each referral we made over the course of the next year was rejected or closed without a reason and we were told to start from scratch and make another referral. Eventually he was "sentenced" but was not sent to prison. But he wasn't given any sort of help either just sent on his way with a "suspended sentence" of 6 months. Probation kept saying to the court how he is "not safe to be managed within the community" and how "high risk" he is. Yet they approved housing for him less than 1 minute walk from a primary school (I know he will never hurt anyone but I'm only saying this because of the logistics of what they are saying versus the actions they are taking) and terminated his probation less than 2 weeks after he appeared in court. When his probation ended a wide selection of his other support networks ended with it and perhaps, more traumatisingly, one of the mentoring agencies who were trying so hard to help him in the lead up to the court case also terminated contact with him after court stating that his "needs are too complex". I asked "so who do we go to?" And received no further response.

His police offender manager then quits on him apparently saying that he can't manage him any more so he is assigned a new one (a lady this time). By this point my son has no trust for anyone, including the police. So the relationship is very hostile from the outset (not in an aggressive way but rather an implosive way...like when the police show up for their unannounced visits to his flat he doesn't let them in or talk to them any more but he is very open in his written communications with his support workers who regularly report back to me). He is still unable to communicate verbally though and I can see how much this frustrates him, not just those trying to communicate with him. In the summer of last year he wrote an email to his offender manager, with the help of his support worker, telling her how he was feeling, how he was struggling to trust her, how he was having constant nightmares and panic attacks and how he was receiving threatening messages from people online. His support worker told her how he had been denied support despite numerous referrals so had taken it upon himself to join some online support groups on Facebook for autistic people and people suffering with loneliness and depression and he had done so using a different last name so that he wouldn't be subjected to any more abuse). She also told her about how he had bought new devices to replace the ones that the police had confiscated and that he needed to declare these. However a few weeks later he was called in for an interview under caution, his support worker and social worker went with him, and he was investigated for breaking his SHPO again. He didn't disclose the devices "within 3 days" he waited longer because he didn't trust the police (this is what his support worker has told me that she sat down and had a conversation with him about the need to notify his devices and that she would help him do this), he retorted that he "can't trust anyone" and she told him that "I'm right here with you, we can do this together". So the devices were declared, they were subsequently seized and nothing illegal or concerning was discovered on them. But he is still being prosecuted for a breach because he didn't disclose them "within 3 days". He is also being prosecuted for using a different name online (in violation of his SHPO) but his defence team are treating a case of "reasonable excuse" as he was under threat from online abuse, people who read the media article in 2022 and one of the messages said "I know who you are, I know where you live, I have a mate in the force". He has also had random strangers turning up at his house (he doesn't open the door) but we have fitted a Ring video doorbell which has captured some of this footage and this has been presented to his legal team. His legal team and the police are aware of this but the prosecution rejected the defence statement saying it's "mitigation" rather than a "defence" that he used a different name to join online support groups while being denied support when referrals were made. I can kind of see both sides of the story, on the one hand he did violate their order but on the other hand I see my son, desperately struggling, just trying to seek support safely and getting either rejected or punished. He has since been reassessed just after Christmas by another specialist psychologist who concluded that he needs "urgent" help, is suffering from trauma and PTSD, is showing symptoms of "dependent personality disorder", "avoidant personality disorder" and talks about his "adopting the persona of a child" as someone deeply rooted in trauma which needs urgent investigation and recommends psycotherapy. However our referrals through the GP to the local NHS psychotherapy service was rejected on the grounds he was allegedly too "high risk". I remember saying "risk to who?", it's a trauma therapy for adults who is he going to harm? But received no response just was told they were sending the referral to a "different team". Nearly 2 months later we've had no update at all.

I really want somebody to help my son. He reports nightmares and confusion and the whole incident with the predator last year has really shaken him. But I genuinely believe he expected the police to help him and it's only traumatised him further that he's been further convicted and punished and is being consistently denied support while being subjected to a barrage of online abuse. His support workers are equally concerned and yet we are facing another trial (the prosecution want to take this latest breach to trial, he's admitted not disclosing the devices "within 3 days" but his solicitor has said this is on the "basis" that no harm was caused and that the explanation for this breach was his ongoing struggle to trust the police) but his defence team are pleading "not guilty" to the charge of using a different name online creating an argument of "reasonable excuse" (which the prosecution reject, stating it's "mitigation" rather than a defence). Of course if he is convicted it will no doubt hit the press again and I genuinely believe that will destroy what little remains of my son. He needs HELP. Not punishment. What do I do? What do I honestly do any more? I genuinely feel so completely helpless to help my son and I just have to sit and watch while every system and service under the sun fails him. His defence team have reassured me that they will "challenge the police perception as to the risk he poses", describe him as "clearly vulnerable" and even in the latest court hearing (a case management hearing) the judge reportedly questioned if there was really any "merit in pursuing a trial". But, as of right now, he's scheduled for a trial later in the year. In the meantime he is receiving no help whatsoever, he feels like he is in the wrong body and cannot make sense of his situation, he talks like a child (in his written communications he refers to police as "demons" and "nice people who mess with your head" as "monsters", he talks about himself asking "who am I mum?" And says regularly "I am disgusting, yuck, this body needs to go" he also uses emojis a lot to describe how he's feeling), he acts like a child in distress, and I just want somebody to help him. I genuinely feel like if he wasn't a "registered sex offender" he would be looked upon as more of a victim and given appropriate help to navigate this world safely but he is, of course, seen as an evil perpetrator who is a "risk". I struggle to see my son this way...am I a bad mother?

Does anyone have any advice? Please?

Yes I have considered an inpatient facility but although he's clearly vulnerable and been assessed as such in an expert report consisting of more than 60 pages (this hasn't YET been presented to the court by his legal team they have informed me they are trying to decide when the appropriate time is) he has been assessed as "fit to plead" and unsuitable for a mental health disposal. Unfortunately autism is a mental health "difficulty" but it is not a "disorder" and the rules around mental health and the law seem to focus on disorders rather than neurodiversity. I'm not a professional in these things so all I can say is those that are trying to support him clearly see him as very vulnerable and, if anything, at a higher risk of exploitation than of exploiting somebody. But the legal system very much describe him as someone who has "no respect for court orders", is a "high risk of serious harm", doesn't accept his level of risk and lacks insight into his offending behaviour. The officer in charge of his case wrote a statement to the crown court in December 2023 saying he will "definitely" continue to offend (I'm not sure where she gets this idea from). They do not in any way see him as a victim, or as a potential victim, despite the events I described above. The expert report has recommended community based intervention (including psychotherapy) and emphasises the need for "humane treatment" while also considering public safety but the CPS are very focused on trying to get him sent to prison this time and the expert has acknowledged in her report that the result of this will be "mostly negative" and lists a bunch of reasons why. The prison service has already expressed their concerns during the time he was briefly held on remand but it appears very much to be a case of the police and the cps see him as a major risk, but those trying to support him and those who know him (like myself, his support workers, and the expert assessors instructed by the defence) describe a clearly vulnerable individual who needs a lot of support (support that will, if anything, be taken away if he is sent to prison). dozens of referrals have been made since 2022, and the entirety of 2023 was spent making referrals, trying to arrange appointments, and here we are now in April 2024, awaiting a trial later in the year, absolutely no further forward with anything. He was seen by the local community mental health team who spoke to his social worker and his support worker during a joint meeting. They were informed of the events that occurred in 2022 and of the previous phsycological report and they dismissed everything that happened choosing only to focus on the fact my son is a "registered sex offender" and their response was "what do you want us to do? We don't offer sex offender treatment programs" his social worker then said "that's not what we're asking for, he needs specialist trauma therapy before we can even begin to work on any of that" and they just looked at my son and said "what is wrong with him? Why is he acting like that?" As he was having a panic attack in the corner of the room. On the way out his social worker said "well that was rubbish im going to have to make a complaint" (which she did). Nothing came of it however. His social worker has since closed his case (a few months after that meeting) so we don't (currently) have a social worker. And his support is getting worse and worse by the day due to cancellations and lack of staff. He has expressed suicidal thoughts on numerous occasions, he was found by police after midnight walking down the motorway but instead of committing him they decided to arrest him for a breach of his bail conditions (it was established the following day that he had not so he was released by the magistrates court). He was also found on top of a cliff and, on that occasion, they section 136ed him but he was seen by 3 doctors who decided, for whatever reason, to just send him home. I don't know what else to do. His GP has already been presented with his latest psychological report emphasising he needs "urgent" treatment for "severe" issues. That was given to the GP beginning of January. It is now April and he has been offered nothing so far.

Might I also add that the officer in charge of his case is also his Visor officer. She tried to conduct an unannounced visit to his flat on 27th march but he didn't open the door. Despite numerous requests from the support agency, myself, and him (via email) they repeatedly refuse to bring a support worker with them to support him during these visits. She not only shows up unannounced (I accept this is a part of her role but for an autistic person it makes it incredibly difficult) but she also brings people he's never met before with her (usually a male officer and it seems to be a different one each time) and we have requested multiple times for her to arrange a support worker to attend with her for these visits but she refuses. She is now asking the court to make it a condition of his SHPO that he doesn't "refuse to allow police entry to his home address" which, if granted, would effectively see him arrested for not being able to cope without support.

Thank you ocean (and everybody else) it certainly makes me feel less "alone" in this but in all seriousness sympathy isn't helping my son. And it's destroying him as much as it is me. His solicitor is genuinely very sympathetic and has informed me that she intends to not only challenge the police and the CPS but, after the case is concluded, she also intends to challenge the police's application to extend and impose more restrictions on his SHPO (as he hasn't actually been convicted of another sexual offence). The issue they are having, though, is the law apparently recently changed and the police/CPS only need to satisfy what is known as the "civil" standard of probability now rather than the "criminal" standard when applying for civil orders such as Sexual Harm Prevention Orders. He seems to be falling foul of breaches to his order instead of actual further offending and both mine and his legal teams fears are that imposing more restrictions will only make it worse. But I'm letting his legal team deal with the logistics of that because I'm more interested in getting my son help.

because of the upcoming trial he was assessed by an agency called "Communicourt" but the assessment was cancelled by the assessor as he was struggling to engage with my son over Zoom. So another assessment was arranged which was in person at the solicitors office (this was exceptionally difficult for my son but he was supported through this) and the assessor once again had to terminate the assessment early as she witnessed regular panic attacks, the outside noise of vehicles and the coming and going's of the busy solicitors office was causing my son immense stress, and a partial report was written expressing the need for a further assessment in a more suitable environment and emphasising my sons difficulties which they had witnessed.

his solicitor informed me today, however, that the legal aid agency have now apparently rejected funding for another assessment (even though the government seems to be very happy to spend money prosecuting him) so, if this isn't rectified somehow, he could have no professional support through the trial which will be extremely unjust. His solicitor is now going back to the court to determine the next steps...I cannot believe just how messed up this system really is. I don't think anyone can unless they've been through it.

I want my son to never offend again (and I genuinely believe he doesn't want to)..."I don't want to hurt anyone" he has said (written) multiple times. He is able to communicate his emotions via emojis or with the help of his phone and, before he stopped speaking, was able to hold conversations (albeit with very limited interests) so it's more selected mutism than non verbal autism but that is often brought on by extreme trauma and affects children more often than adults, from what I've been told. But he hasn't verbally communicated a single word to anyone, not even his support workers or family, in nearly 2 years now. Both me and his support workers can see how this makes him even more frustrated because we all get the sense he really wants to pour his heart out and yet...he can't. When he's calm, and relaxed, in the safety and security of his supported flat he is able to communicate in other ways. And he makes good use of these to communicate how he's feeling. It's like a distressed child crying out for help but nobody is listening to him. Sometimes he is timid, soft, and broken...almost appealing. Other times he's angry and uses angry emojis and demon emojis and communicates with capital letters and colourful language (the police I believe have picked up on this), there was one text communication with his support worker where he stated he wanted to "borrow a tank and crush the evil demons". He is, of course, completely harmless and when he feels threatened he will choose flight over fight (he's been chased by police before when they were called to respond to a welfare check and he ran away). Hes never violent, though police handcuff him in a rear stack because they describe his behaviour as "unpredictable". Hes been dragged out of bed before by police officers, thrown onto the floor and had an officer kneel on the back of his neck while handcuffing him to the rear. When I've questioned this the response is always the same..."his behaviour is unpredictable".

But my fear is that this entire system is just going about it wrong...and the more they beat him down the more he acts up and I can definitely see this getting a lot worse in the future if they don't change their approach drastically. Is there anybody I can speak to about this?

He often communicates confusion over why he's in trouble "what did I do?" (He seems to think that because his breaches were with innocent intentions...using a different name to protect himself and try to seek acceptance in supportive online communities...and owning devices that he used to play video games and contact support...that he "hasn't done anything wrong").

He is generally a good follower of rules that he understands but one breach he committed was not using his real name on Xbox (the police wanted him to put his...what's it called...gamertag? As his first and last name and year of birth. And wouldn't let him use a pseudonym). Apparently Xbox advise against this to protect people online and they actively encourage people NOT to use personally identifying information. So he broke the order and said in his email to the police (the one which his support worker helped him to write) what he had done and why. It will be used against him in court as apparently it evidences a "deliberate" breach of his SHPO. And yet the SHPO is causing him to break other rules that are there to protect everybody online, so as much as I can understand the police's frustration I can also see why my son is struggling so much (not to mention the online abuse he received after the media article). His legal team will be challenging the SHPO as they have described some of the conditions as "oppressive" and even unlawful (quoting a Supreme Court ruling) but the issue with his SHPO will not be dealt with until after the trial. My personal stance on this is that the SHPO is only complicating things for my son when he would be better served by support and help and monitoring to keep him safe. The police's focus however seems to be on protecting people FROM my son and my son is, in all reality, more at risk from others than he is to others. What good will come of eternally punishing him? I have voiced my concerns but I think the police see me as someone who is blind to reality, I've even been told "you don't know him like we do". I would argue I know him a lot better than they do!

Thank you for those links I will look into each and every one of them. However what my son needs is specialist trauma therapy delivered by mental health professionals who are appropriately trained in autism. Out of the list you sent circles seems like the better service however they have already informed us (I was aware of their service and a referral was already made) they are not able to help at this time (that's not to say they can't help in the future). There is a very long waiting list in our area and they have described my sons case as being too complex at this moment in time.

I genuinely feel the emphasis should be on:

1. Helping my son through his trauma (the incident with the predator has severely affected his ability to trust people), he reports regular nightmares and confusion and lack of self worth. This can only really be achieved by appropriate and specialist therapy (which he is being systematically denied on every referral despite the experts clearly stating he needs it urgently)

2. After the above is complete and he's in a moderately better place, and better supported, work with him to help keep him safe. Protect him from those who would wish to exploit him and help him build appropriate relationships at his own pace (slowly introduce him to small groups of other autistic individuals, for example).

3. Monitor his progress and just continue to support him as he will need support for the rest of his life. His conditions, unfortunately, are not going to magically disappear. He may, however, with the right help and support, be able to better manage with them in the future.

The Emphasis, however, seems to be on protecting people FROM my son. Alienating him and isolating him further all in the name of "public protection" while remaining completely oblivious to his vulnerabilities. This is a dangerous perception because it means his trauma is not being resolved, he's being provided with punishment and enforcement instead of help and support, and he's a combination of broken, scared, even more deeply traumatised but also frustrated and angry. And consequently even more isolated which only makes things worse.

The criminal justice system NEEDS to change their approach when dealing with him. It's like mainstream school all over again, but worse. Far far worse. I don't see the benefit, personally, of sending him on sex offender courses designed to teach sex offenders as a whole how to manage when he has been groomed, effectively, in the same way as a predator grooms a victim. I believe a better package of support for my son would be appropriate support and professional help on a 1-2-1 basis with a trauma focused approach. Rather than an enforcement and punishing approach.

I wholeheartedly reject the police assessment of risk as I believe he's a high risk of harm from others, not a high risk of harm TO others. That's not to say I don't feel his behaviour needs to be addressed, it definitely does. But with the right help and support rather than punishment and enforcement and dangerous stigma/alienation. Is my son a sex offender? Yes. Because, by definition of law, he committed a "sexual offence" when he viewed images online. I struggle immensely however to view him as a "sex offender", I dislike that label. Rather I view him as a vulnerable and deeply traumatised PERSON who committed a sexual offence. But when you dig deeper into his story it becomes more apparent the horrors of where the real danger lies... He needs help. And a lot of it. But he's just not getting any despite the experts saying he urgently needs it. If a cancer patient didn't receive treatment their symptoms would worsen. Likewise if my son doesn't get the help he needs ASAP what little is left of him will break. And I have to sit and watch as it happens, completely powerless to stop it. It's horrible.

Posting just to bump this topic as the link to it does not seem to work in the update article I posted. People who are unable to access this post might now be able to more easily access it.