Family and Friends Forum

Hi Elliot , Bless you, it puts us innocent's in a very tricky position, do we tell all, do we tell snippets, do we say nothing, it's a dilemma.

I'd advise caution, you don't HAVE to tell anyone. I told a close friend everything and she showed no support when I said I was sticking by my son - it hurt like hell but a lesson learned. I now give nothing away - it's my business........ might sound hard but it keeps me safe from worrying about other people's emotions, I feel I have enough to worry about....... :-(

keep strong x

Hi



I can relate to you so much. After the knock, I left. I quit my job, I moved away as far as I could and I didn't tell anyone but two friends. Only one of them knows why.

I think a lot of people think I died or something - I literally took the kids and we were gone.

I think I did it because of the shame. Like what if I did continue as normal and then down the line my partner gets sentenced and it's on media? I would feel like a fraud having been all friendly while harbouring this secret. But at the same time, if my friend was in a similar situation, I would like to believe I wouldn't judge them.

My therapist compared the knock into like an ink explosion. When it happens, it gets all around us. It hits everything in our vicinity and tarnishes everything pretty. No matter where you look, you can see it. But the problem is, only we see it. People around us don't, unless we tell them.

I live quite far away from my oldest and closest friends but this has also meant that I haven't disclosed to them.



I've just avoided meeting up with them rather than lie or disclose. When I have met up not telling them has killed me, but I'm just not ready to tell them.

I completely understand what you're feeling and sorry that I have no helpful advice on getting through this



x

I spent a year avoiding my oldest friend. We usually meet up three to four times a year and she is a teacher. I just made excuses. Then i could not make any more and we met up, i didnt say anything. Then when i saw her again she asked me how my OH was. I just started to shake. I didnt want to tell her but i also could not carry on. So i told her, and she has been the most supportive and helpful friend. She was so kind and said she was sorry that i was suffering and she did not know. It all stemmed from telling a close frind of 34 years, my best friend for all of those years, after a week an a half she dumped me. At this point my OH had been arrested and held on remand. The police 'lost' my number which was a lie as they took it everytime they came to my house, whcih was every day. So at the week and a half stage i had not seen or spoken to my OH since the previous evening before he was arrested. This made me believe that everyone is the same. But they are not. I told my teacher friend as i thought, i am avoiding her so i am not seeing her. If she does what my best friend did then it is no different as i wont be seeing her. But if she reacted differently, which she did, then i had the benefit of another true friend in the drama

Only you can decide what is best for you. But you maybe surprised how they react. X

Elliott x

Bless you it's a tough journey to be on I am her as my son is an offender, for me it just brought me to my knees after the knock, only my daughter and eldest son & second husband knew what was going on, I was so concerned for my offending sons MH as he was suicidal and I just lived on my nerves for months, how can we talk about what has happened as its such a difficult conversation to have, we shut down, become a shadow of the person we are, scared to confide because of how they react

How was your friend when they saw you walking?

Maybe you could meet up and explain you have been struggling with personal issues and just needed time to adjust, you dont need to tell her what has happened but time together you can decide on what you want to share

If your not ready then please try not to add more pressure on to yourself to disclose x

Not much advise but just wanted to send you hugs and tell you we are all here for you x

Hello

i understand with how you are feeling, i also got the knock in november 2023 and its ripped us and our children apart.
only my family and 1 close friend know. I found telling my family more scary than telling my friend. Im not sure if that has anything to do with if my friend walked away then that would hurt less than hearing the comments etc id get from Family but it wasnt like i imgained at all.

is your friend someone youd usually confide in? Has she ever made her opinions clear about things like this before? I ask as it took me by surprise that someone in my friends family had been arrested for similar offences.

Maybe if you didnt feel comfortable telling her yet, you could possibily try baby steps. Maybe a text or a quick calling explaining how you feeling that you arent as present in her life as you would usually be but something is happening in your life right now and although shes a close friend, you dont want to explain much yet whilst your getting your head round things and that should the time come (if it ever) then you would explain. It could be possible the police decide to not take it any further so there would be no reason to explain anything (only a possibilty and we shouldnt get hopes up but its there) and that you just need space or time or you could try and schedule a meet up for a coffee , just you and her but nothing gets discussed.
Maybe meeting up once a week (or whenever you can) will rebuild that friendship up again

Please dont hesitate to message me if you wish to talk (or anyone else reading this response). Although i feel like im stuck in the dark with what is going on with my person, im more than happy to sit and help others through the darkerst days xx
Stay strong everyone xx