Telling the Ex
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Hi everyone. I wonder if you can best advice. Anyone with legal expertise would be welcome too.
I, apparently, have to inform my ex, when we (my person and me) get back together becasue he has parental responsibilty.
I understand I have rights under the human rights act under artical 8, that protects my right to a family life, including 'forming and maintaining relatioships with other people'.
I understand too that I have 'the right to enjoy my home peacefully without intrusion by a public authority.'
This is the important part: 'Article 8 is a qualified right. This means a public authority can sometimes interfere with your right to respect for private and family life if it’s in the interest of the wider community or to protect other people’s rights.'
So my husband has parental responsibilty which is a right. This is where I assume Child Services feel they are able to interfere with that.
My issue is, my husband is my ex for a reason. He was emotionaly abusive, he neglected me within the marriage, emotionally, physically and financially, and he was prone to gaslighting. I had to raise our child and pay all the bills, as he refused to. Since we seperated and divorced this has continued. I tried to make things better but unless everything is on his terms, he is manipulative, gaslights me and refuses to respond to commmunications about our child's welfare. He hasn't paid a penny towards them for years. He has chased me around my new house, shouting in my face, and had blocked me from leaving a room in an altercation. He is no longer allowed in my home. Recently he kept my child when I didnt know where they were for 2.5hours additional hours after their normal home time without communication and then tried to gaslight me about it. My mental health was poor for years after our marriage ended, and within it to be honest. He had orginally attempted to coerse me inot having an abortion when I fell pregnant with our child and completely lost it when I didnt go ahead. I was never going to go ahead.
I want to know what right he has, when he is the one I am more scared of. My anxiety is through the roof when I have to deal with him. I cry so much. He is unpredictable, and I cannot imagine what will happpen when he is told. I dont understand how he has this right, when the safety of me and my child will be put as risk as a result.
The risk of my person is assessed as low after a risk assessment. We have a safety plan. I have taken part in courses, as has he. We both have therapy toegther and individualy, he has a lot of postive protective factors such as good job, happy life, good frineds, healthy activities, regular check ins with his therapist, and hope for a future with me and our children as a family. I have been assessed after the courses as being a good protective adult. and I feel confident we can move forward in the future positivly.
But this hanging over my head is weighting me down.
So, if you managed to read so far, what is the legal right for him to know. The only way the authorities can breach the human rights act is if it is of a legal nature. I really want to know what the actual law is that says his right to know is greater than my right to a safe life.
Thank you.
I, apparently, have to inform my ex, when we (my person and me) get back together becasue he has parental responsibilty.
I understand I have rights under the human rights act under artical 8, that protects my right to a family life, including 'forming and maintaining relatioships with other people'.
I understand too that I have 'the right to enjoy my home peacefully without intrusion by a public authority.'
This is the important part: 'Article 8 is a qualified right. This means a public authority can sometimes interfere with your right to respect for private and family life if it’s in the interest of the wider community or to protect other people’s rights.'
So my husband has parental responsibilty which is a right. This is where I assume Child Services feel they are able to interfere with that.
My issue is, my husband is my ex for a reason. He was emotionaly abusive, he neglected me within the marriage, emotionally, physically and financially, and he was prone to gaslighting. I had to raise our child and pay all the bills, as he refused to. Since we seperated and divorced this has continued. I tried to make things better but unless everything is on his terms, he is manipulative, gaslights me and refuses to respond to commmunications about our child's welfare. He hasn't paid a penny towards them for years. He has chased me around my new house, shouting in my face, and had blocked me from leaving a room in an altercation. He is no longer allowed in my home. Recently he kept my child when I didnt know where they were for 2.5hours additional hours after their normal home time without communication and then tried to gaslight me about it. My mental health was poor for years after our marriage ended, and within it to be honest. He had orginally attempted to coerse me inot having an abortion when I fell pregnant with our child and completely lost it when I didnt go ahead. I was never going to go ahead.
I want to know what right he has, when he is the one I am more scared of. My anxiety is through the roof when I have to deal with him. I cry so much. He is unpredictable, and I cannot imagine what will happpen when he is told. I dont understand how he has this right, when the safety of me and my child will be put as risk as a result.
The risk of my person is assessed as low after a risk assessment. We have a safety plan. I have taken part in courses, as has he. We both have therapy toegther and individualy, he has a lot of postive protective factors such as good job, happy life, good frineds, healthy activities, regular check ins with his therapist, and hope for a future with me and our children as a family. I have been assessed after the courses as being a good protective adult. and I feel confident we can move forward in the future positivly.
But this hanging over my head is weighting me down.
So, if you managed to read so far, what is the legal right for him to know. The only way the authorities can breach the human rights act is if it is of a legal nature. I really want to know what the actual law is that says his right to know is greater than my right to a safe life.
Thank you.
Hi,
after having a Quick Look at parental rights and responsibilities in the UK the part I think relates to your question is the right to be included in all major decisions about the child's life. However it also states that a responsibility is to provide financially for their child too. If you're happy to receive private messages I could potentially put you in touch with someone more knowledgeable than myself on this xx
after having a Quick Look at parental rights and responsibilities in the UK the part I think relates to your question is the right to be included in all major decisions about the child's life. However it also states that a responsibility is to provide financially for their child too. If you're happy to receive private messages I could potentially put you in touch with someone more knowledgeable than myself on this xx
Are you asking if your abusive ex has the right to know about your partner who is / accused of being a sex offender? He should but you also have the right to be safe and protected against his reaction to this information. Could a third party help to deliver the news??
Distressed and Pregnant, thank you. I would appreciate that. Please do PM me.
I have to make sure my daughter and I are safe moving forwards and not just from the person people are expecting me to be focusing on!
I have to make sure my daughter and I are safe moving forwards and not just from the person people are expecting me to be focusing on!
Hi Bea - I can't offer advice personally but I'm sure there was a thread on here not so long ago from someone in a similar situation to you. I've tried a search using some possible words but can't find anything. Maybe the person or someone who remembers the thread will read this and be more helpful than me but I also wanted to say that I do understand your fears and they are completely justified. Do you have anything in writing from your divorce if his behaviour was used then which you could show to your SW? Could you speak to the police and at the very least ask for a marker on your house for if he turns up making trouble? This is an intolerable situation for you and I do hope you stay safe and able to find a reassuring conclusion xx
Rainyday52, oh wow, I do hope they see this. I will also have a look through. Was it this past few weeks do you think?
Hi I'm so sorry you are going through this! I've been terrified that SS will inform my abusive ex husband who sounds very similar to yours. Im not sure if it is a precaution as your children still see their dad. I'm only a couple of months in to this situation with my partner.
When the ex and I first separated I got in touch with a SW and explained his behaviour and how worried I was for the children. I was told I could exercise my PR and cut contact and they would have no involvement but if I wanted him to see them he would need to undergo an assessment. I chose the first option and he has made no attempt to see them or ask for an assessment so he can. He hasn't paid a thing for them in about a year. I have supporting evidence of his abuse from a mental health nurse and counsellor, my kids, family members and a case which is still open with the police. I'm absolutely terrified of him and the mental torment he would undoubtedly unleash on me if he is brought back into our lives again. He was encouraging me to self harm and even worse. I was a mess and really couldn't cope being anywhere near him. He really messed with my older sons head to the point he had so much anger towards me and he mental health was not good. All of my children have improved so much with his not being in our lives.
please feel free to message if there's anything you feel I could help with x
When the ex and I first separated I got in touch with a SW and explained his behaviour and how worried I was for the children. I was told I could exercise my PR and cut contact and they would have no involvement but if I wanted him to see them he would need to undergo an assessment. I chose the first option and he has made no attempt to see them or ask for an assessment so he can. He hasn't paid a thing for them in about a year. I have supporting evidence of his abuse from a mental health nurse and counsellor, my kids, family members and a case which is still open with the police. I'm absolutely terrified of him and the mental torment he would undoubtedly unleash on me if he is brought back into our lives again. He was encouraging me to self harm and even worse. I was a mess and really couldn't cope being anywhere near him. He really messed with my older sons head to the point he had so much anger towards me and he mental health was not good. All of my children have improved so much with his not being in our lives.
please feel free to message if there's anything you feel I could help with x
Ihavenoclue, gosh. Your situation sounds much more significant than mine. And I am sorry you went through that.
I have no reporting of anything. Only my personal opinion, which he has scoffed at when I have mentioned anything. He laughed when I used the words emotional abuse. I have nothing to back me up.
I do have no mental health issues recorded with the doctors, prior to me getting married and having our child, then plenty after. So I supose I have that.
I just want to be able to move frowards without risk from him. The VISOR officer offered to talk to him instead of CS. He said that often sorts these men out as there is an inherent fear of the police. I have a huge fear he will tell my family too, which will ulimately break down my positive relationships and family community, and potentially mean I have to relocate elsewhere. CS have in the past when I mentioned this, said it is my choice. I choose my person, or I choose my life. I couldnt believe they said that.
I have no reporting of anything. Only my personal opinion, which he has scoffed at when I have mentioned anything. He laughed when I used the words emotional abuse. I have nothing to back me up.
I do have no mental health issues recorded with the doctors, prior to me getting married and having our child, then plenty after. So I supose I have that.
I just want to be able to move frowards without risk from him. The VISOR officer offered to talk to him instead of CS. He said that often sorts these men out as there is an inherent fear of the police. I have a huge fear he will tell my family too, which will ulimately break down my positive relationships and family community, and potentially mean I have to relocate elsewhere. CS have in the past when I mentioned this, said it is my choice. I choose my person, or I choose my life. I couldnt believe they said that.
Hi Bea - the thread was within the past 6 months I think, but not very recently. I remember thinking how frightening this was for the lady - I'm so sorry I can't remember more.
PS just tried one more search and there is a thread from last July entitled 'Advice on Social Services' where the poster describes a situation similar to yours about 3 posts down. Perhaps you could message her to find out what happened and/or what helped.
PS just tried one more search and there is a thread from last July entitled 'Advice on Social Services' where the poster describes a situation similar to yours about 3 posts down. Perhaps you could message her to find out what happened and/or what helped.
Social services told my ex at the very start of this process - not the full detail but enough for him to work it all out that is was a sexual offensive.
He was horrible about it at the time as he is a very controlling person but my children are older so there was very little he could do other than screen / shout / threaten as my children's lives are here in this town with me and not with him. Social services were also not worried about the children once they completed their assessments over the next 6 months.
Just when everything else is so terrible it just added to my upset and stress in those early few months. OH is on RUI now and ex husband is bored of threaten me now as normally happens so life is much earlier.
Life will continue and the fact that he hasn't been told and you are in a much better place to be strong that all is well in your family whatever abuse he throws towards you.
Social services told me he had to be told and the only choice we had was if we told the full details or just that my OH had been arrested.
He was horrible about it at the time as he is a very controlling person but my children are older so there was very little he could do other than screen / shout / threaten as my children's lives are here in this town with me and not with him. Social services were also not worried about the children once they completed their assessments over the next 6 months.
Just when everything else is so terrible it just added to my upset and stress in those early few months. OH is on RUI now and ex husband is bored of threaten me now as normally happens so life is much earlier.
Life will continue and the fact that he hasn't been told and you are in a much better place to be strong that all is well in your family whatever abuse he throws towards you.
Social services told me he had to be told and the only choice we had was if we told the full details or just that my OH had been arrested.
Scaredmumof3, thanks for sharing your experience. The reason he hasnt been told yet is because I called off the relationship. Now of course, heading back into it, SS will become involved again.
The time between me calling off the relationship has been used wisely, in order to prepare ourselves for this next phase. He has completed the modules, taken part in the Safer Lives course, and has had continual catch up sessions with his Safer Lives therapist. Plus now the Risk Assessment. We have had joint therapy sessions too. I have completed the INFORM and CIRCLES courses. We have a long phone record with LFF too. We have spent the time also developing a very open and honest communication that is highly respectful and we are both a place of trust for each other. Somehting I never had with my ex, and will be a huge positive foundation for our future together.
I want this next phase to go as smoothly as possible for everyone involved, mainly my child and I.
I just have to find out what this legal connection is, or if I will be able to/have to go to court to prevent them informing him.
I appreciate many will be reading this saying he has a right to know, but in my mind, his behaviour towards me means he has no right. I have to protect myself, and my daughter. She comes first at all costs.
The time between me calling off the relationship has been used wisely, in order to prepare ourselves for this next phase. He has completed the modules, taken part in the Safer Lives course, and has had continual catch up sessions with his Safer Lives therapist. Plus now the Risk Assessment. We have had joint therapy sessions too. I have completed the INFORM and CIRCLES courses. We have a long phone record with LFF too. We have spent the time also developing a very open and honest communication that is highly respectful and we are both a place of trust for each other. Somehting I never had with my ex, and will be a huge positive foundation for our future together.
I want this next phase to go as smoothly as possible for everyone involved, mainly my child and I.
I just have to find out what this legal connection is, or if I will be able to/have to go to court to prevent them informing him.
I appreciate many will be reading this saying he has a right to know, but in my mind, his behaviour towards me means he has no right. I have to protect myself, and my daughter. She comes first at all costs.
Rainyday52, I have tried to search for that title and I cant find anything. The search function here isnt great. It wont let me search on titles. Annoying.
If you put 'abusive ex' in the search box it pops up as the 9th suggestion!
Hi
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I've read the thread through and it seems you don't have 'concrete' evidence of the abuse (by this I mean police reports/hospital reports etc) so it will likely be difficult to evidence to SS (or even to court if you chose that) that there has been domestic violence.
The fact that the father also has regular contact with the daughter with no SS involvement shows to SS that the father is not a risk to the child whereas your partner is seen as a risk. As the father has parental rights, he is entitled to take steps to safeguard the child and therefore he will have to be aware of what is happening with the child.
Unfortunately in family law, often there can be domestic violence between the parents but if there is no violence towards the child (physical, emotional etc) it doesn't really impact the child arrangement.
If your child was spending time with a registered sex offender at their dad's place, would you want to know?
I'm sorry I'm not of more help, these are just points that will likely be brought up to you. Maybe you could request police place a flag on your address for when the father is told and that SS deliver the news in person to him?
My situation isn't quite the same as yours but something similar, please pm me if you want to discuss more x
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I've read the thread through and it seems you don't have 'concrete' evidence of the abuse (by this I mean police reports/hospital reports etc) so it will likely be difficult to evidence to SS (or even to court if you chose that) that there has been domestic violence.
The fact that the father also has regular contact with the daughter with no SS involvement shows to SS that the father is not a risk to the child whereas your partner is seen as a risk. As the father has parental rights, he is entitled to take steps to safeguard the child and therefore he will have to be aware of what is happening with the child.
Unfortunately in family law, often there can be domestic violence between the parents but if there is no violence towards the child (physical, emotional etc) it doesn't really impact the child arrangement.
If your child was spending time with a registered sex offender at their dad's place, would you want to know?
I'm sorry I'm not of more help, these are just points that will likely be brought up to you. Maybe you could request police place a flag on your address for when the father is told and that SS deliver the news in person to him?
My situation isn't quite the same as yours but something similar, please pm me if you want to discuss more x
Hopelessscared, thanks. I have PMd you.