Son arrested IIOC
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We got the knock at 7am in 8/12/22, police had a warrant to search the house due to someone in the house opening a kik account and viewing, downloading IIOC, total shock but my 21 year old son admitted it was him! Police took him away along with laptops etc!
I picked him up from the police station 5 hours later, he has been given a simple phone with his SIM card in and told they will call him every month with an update. Not charged, not bailed.
How is this happening, I thought my son was a normal man that had girlfriends but now he tells me he has a porn addiction and is descensitised which led him onto harder porn and IIOC! I am so sad, he is the nicest boy with such good morals (so I thought)!
I love him so much but don't know how to act around him, I am disgusted at what he has done but also want to protect him, be there for him and help him through this process. He is ashamed and said he will never do it again. The images are of very young children, wtf!
He gave a no comment interview, hasn't been charged, yet as I know he will.
I have watched 24 hours in police custody and have always said "if that were my kid I would disown him" but I love him with all my heart and I can't turn my back on him. My other son is 18 and keeps trying to make excuses for why his brother done it.
any advice would be really appreciated, many thanks x
I picked him up from the police station 5 hours later, he has been given a simple phone with his SIM card in and told they will call him every month with an update. Not charged, not bailed.
How is this happening, I thought my son was a normal man that had girlfriends but now he tells me he has a porn addiction and is descensitised which led him onto harder porn and IIOC! I am so sad, he is the nicest boy with such good morals (so I thought)!
I love him so much but don't know how to act around him, I am disgusted at what he has done but also want to protect him, be there for him and help him through this process. He is ashamed and said he will never do it again. The images are of very young children, wtf!
He gave a no comment interview, hasn't been charged, yet as I know he will.
I have watched 24 hours in police custody and have always said "if that were my kid I would disown him" but I love him with all my heart and I can't turn my back on him. My other son is 18 and keeps trying to make excuses for why his brother done it.
any advice would be really appreciated, many thanks x
Hi Emma - Bless you - I resignate so much with your comments.
i often think it would be easier to be disgusted with my son and totally disown the person others view as a monster. But I have gone against the grain, faught tooth and claw and will never do that to my boy, especially at a time when he needs me the most.
i will always detest his crime, shiver with horror at images and videos he viewed, never understanding why he went down this path, the utter devastation/pain caused to those who loved and trusted him - and mostly I will never condone his behaviour.
But I know he is a good man and he never meant to hurt anyone. He needs help and support, I'm convinced he will put this behind him and move forward one day.
People flippantly make comments and we continually say on the forum you really don't 'get it' if you are not actually living this horrible journey.
Holding on to this love is not easy by a long chalk but I've reached the point where I don't care. I sleep peacefully with my decisions and leave others to sleep with theirs.
i often think it would be easier to be disgusted with my son and totally disown the person others view as a monster. But I have gone against the grain, faught tooth and claw and will never do that to my boy, especially at a time when he needs me the most.
i will always detest his crime, shiver with horror at images and videos he viewed, never understanding why he went down this path, the utter devastation/pain caused to those who loved and trusted him - and mostly I will never condone his behaviour.
But I know he is a good man and he never meant to hurt anyone. He needs help and support, I'm convinced he will put this behind him and move forward one day.
People flippantly make comments and we continually say on the forum you really don't 'get it' if you are not actually living this horrible journey.
Holding on to this love is not easy by a long chalk but I've reached the point where I don't care. I sleep peacefully with my decisions and leave others to sleep with theirs.
Hi Emma, I too am a mum who loves my son unconditionally. Knowing what my son did broke my heart and so did seeing him completely broken.
I love him as much now as I've always done and try to remain focused on helping him rebuild his life rather than what he did to destroy it.
What he did changed our lives forever but I remind myself that if it hadn't been this it could have been something else and I count my blessings that we still have each other.
I love him as much now as I've always done and try to remain focused on helping him rebuild his life rather than what he did to destroy it.
What he did changed our lives forever but I remind myself that if it hadn't been this it could have been something else and I count my blessings that we still have each other.
Hi Emma
I too am a mum of a 28 year old offender.
It is so hard to reconcile our feelings with the horrendous offences. We know they are not 'bad' young men,but their decisions have altered all our lives.
These websites are the evil element,as is most porn(in my opinion)
Our son had to return home,having 'successfully' held down a job & lived independently for 6 years. We knew he was lonely, but couldn't create a social life for him. He now can't really go out in our hometown & is keen to move away. There is no magic wand & we all stumble through the best we can.
You will find support & some answers on this forum.
Keep in touch & look after you.
I too am a mum of a 28 year old offender.
It is so hard to reconcile our feelings with the horrendous offences. We know they are not 'bad' young men,but their decisions have altered all our lives.
These websites are the evil element,as is most porn(in my opinion)
Our son had to return home,having 'successfully' held down a job & lived independently for 6 years. We knew he was lonely, but couldn't create a social life for him. He now can't really go out in our hometown & is keen to move away. There is no magic wand & we all stumble through the best we can.
You will find support & some answers on this forum.
Keep in touch & look after you.
Hi Emma,
I totally understand you, it is horrible to think of these things and it seems easier to be disgusted and cut the person out of our lives as much as possible. But when I thought like that I also realised how I loved this person and that cutting them out would just add more to the pain on my side and his.
I don't know how old you are but I had my own computer by the time I was 14 and I must say I feel so blessed that I was one of the last generations who grew up offline (at least partly). Sadly, as someone who spent a lot of their time online as a teenager, I can attest that curiosity killed the cat in a lot of cases. The internet is so unregulated and when I found out about my OH about three months ago I still was dumbfounded, thinking it surely can't be that easy to stumble over these images online when I myself was exposed to very questionable content at a very young age (luckily nothing illegal).
It is a very strange feeling when that happens to you, I don't quite know how to describe it. I wish there was a way to make the internet safer, it is not all evil (this forum is an excellent example of how the internet can be really helpful :) ). But my recent experience made me realise that nothing has changed since the 2000s which is sad given that politicians always bang on about cybercrime and trying to protect us and especially our children...
That being said there is no real excuse for this behaviour, but knowing where the behaviour comes from and explaining it can help the other person to not do these horrible things again. Sometimes I think that the knock was good in that sense because otherwise my person may still view these things and I know him well enough to know that viewing it is not fun for him at the end of the day, that he knows it's wrong, and that it puts him in an uncomfortable inner position.
I also realised it's so easy to sit there and say "I would never do this" or "I would surely do that" when we don't really know what we would do until these things happen to us. I guess it is a protective mechanism where we like to believe we have it all figured out (especially for unusual situations that we think will not happen to us anyway). And now walking through it, who can blame people for thinking like that. But when the situation arises I think it's important to check these beliefs again and realise which ones are helpful and which ones hamper coping and handling the situation mentally.
I hope things will get easier with time for you. I did not know how to act around my person for weeks, should I bring it up or not, what can I say to make him realise just how bad it is what he has done, how can I show him boundaries without pushing him away. I can say it is a lot easier now although the struggle continues. I really recommend talking to the LFF helpline to work through all these feelings and maybe consider therapy as well. The knock is transformative for sure and sometimes I grief how things were before that. But with the help of the helpline and my therapist I managed to use this experience to build more understanding and become more empathetic. It's not easy but it will get better.
I wish you and your family all the best!
I totally understand you, it is horrible to think of these things and it seems easier to be disgusted and cut the person out of our lives as much as possible. But when I thought like that I also realised how I loved this person and that cutting them out would just add more to the pain on my side and his.
I don't know how old you are but I had my own computer by the time I was 14 and I must say I feel so blessed that I was one of the last generations who grew up offline (at least partly). Sadly, as someone who spent a lot of their time online as a teenager, I can attest that curiosity killed the cat in a lot of cases. The internet is so unregulated and when I found out about my OH about three months ago I still was dumbfounded, thinking it surely can't be that easy to stumble over these images online when I myself was exposed to very questionable content at a very young age (luckily nothing illegal).
It is a very strange feeling when that happens to you, I don't quite know how to describe it. I wish there was a way to make the internet safer, it is not all evil (this forum is an excellent example of how the internet can be really helpful :) ). But my recent experience made me realise that nothing has changed since the 2000s which is sad given that politicians always bang on about cybercrime and trying to protect us and especially our children...
That being said there is no real excuse for this behaviour, but knowing where the behaviour comes from and explaining it can help the other person to not do these horrible things again. Sometimes I think that the knock was good in that sense because otherwise my person may still view these things and I know him well enough to know that viewing it is not fun for him at the end of the day, that he knows it's wrong, and that it puts him in an uncomfortable inner position.
I also realised it's so easy to sit there and say "I would never do this" or "I would surely do that" when we don't really know what we would do until these things happen to us. I guess it is a protective mechanism where we like to believe we have it all figured out (especially for unusual situations that we think will not happen to us anyway). And now walking through it, who can blame people for thinking like that. But when the situation arises I think it's important to check these beliefs again and realise which ones are helpful and which ones hamper coping and handling the situation mentally.
I hope things will get easier with time for you. I did not know how to act around my person for weeks, should I bring it up or not, what can I say to make him realise just how bad it is what he has done, how can I show him boundaries without pushing him away. I can say it is a lot easier now although the struggle continues. I really recommend talking to the LFF helpline to work through all these feelings and maybe consider therapy as well. The knock is transformative for sure and sometimes I grief how things were before that. But with the help of the helpline and my therapist I managed to use this experience to build more understanding and become more empathetic. It's not easy but it will get better.
I wish you and your family all the best!
Emma x
I am also here like many of these wonderful ladies due to my sons offending
I totally agree with everyone in that I dont for one second condone what he did
He is a good person who has done an awful crime this is not the whole of him,
I love my son unconditionally and will walk this journey with him every step of the way x
No one can fully understand this journey unless you walk in our shoes
Sending strength and hugs to you and please reach out to us all we fully understand what you are going through xx
I am also here like many of these wonderful ladies due to my sons offending
I totally agree with everyone in that I dont for one second condone what he did
He is a good person who has done an awful crime this is not the whole of him,
I love my son unconditionally and will walk this journey with him every step of the way x
No one can fully understand this journey unless you walk in our shoes
Sending strength and hugs to you and please reach out to us all we fully understand what you are going through xx
Totally understand, Mum here of a just turned 18 year old when he was arrested. I went through so many emotions it was unbelievable. We are on the other side and living with his conditions etc. It hurts so much as I feel he was still a baby (He also has ASC and struggles socially and emotionally) What he done was wrong, and there has to be a punishment for the victims, (Although I do feel annoyed that there was grooming go on in KIK when he was 17 that lead him down this path, but there was no interest in that, just the facts on his phone) I can say that I'm so proud of the steps my son has made since then, His attended weekly counselling, signed up to LFF programme (I really recommed this for your son) I done the LFF programme for relatives which I really recommend, not ony did I meat some amazing people going through the same but I also learnt so much about this type of offending. We have also helped some studies into this kind of offending too.
It does seem like a dark tunnel, but if I can give you thr hope of light, it is there.
It does seem like a dark tunnel, but if I can give you thr hope of light, it is there.
Oh Emma
I hear you. My son is 21 and was arrested when he was 20 and at uni last May.
When I read the replies of all the wonderful parents on this forum I find it overwhelming how much we can put to one side so that we can focus on supporting our sons who made a mistake - a costly one in an unregulated world but we are striving to walk that path with them and support
it isn't easy thiking about what they did - I struggle with that immensely - and I know it is there waiting to be dealt with in due course. I will def be looking at the LFF course for family members - but I know my son only has our little nuclear family that will be with him no matter what... so I am there.
It really does take a toll so try to get whatever support you can. I got some counselling sessions through the NHS Talking Therapies which helped a bit. teh StopitNow helpline were so kind and helpful and listened when I couldn't say any of the things I was thinking to anyone else.
This forum is a godsend.
Keep reaching out xx
I hear you. My son is 21 and was arrested when he was 20 and at uni last May.
When I read the replies of all the wonderful parents on this forum I find it overwhelming how much we can put to one side so that we can focus on supporting our sons who made a mistake - a costly one in an unregulated world but we are striving to walk that path with them and support
it isn't easy thiking about what they did - I struggle with that immensely - and I know it is there waiting to be dealt with in due course. I will def be looking at the LFF course for family members - but I know my son only has our little nuclear family that will be with him no matter what... so I am there.
It really does take a toll so try to get whatever support you can. I got some counselling sessions through the NHS Talking Therapies which helped a bit. teh StopitNow helpline were so kind and helpful and listened when I couldn't say any of the things I was thinking to anyone else.
This forum is a godsend.
Keep reaching out xx
Morning, we received knock on 8/04/22 he was charged 15/5/23 2 years suspended on shpo for 5 years and sor for 3 years he's completed horizon few months ago still awaiting to see if he can finally be allowed back home he was 21 when we got the knock on the door and he's now turning 24 it's a long slow journey unfortunately but each day, week, month gets easier my heart goes out to all mothers having to juggle family life with what's going on internally I've started a degree in psychology and can honestly say it's opened up my eyes to what goes on to lead a perfectly 'normal' child to commit such a crime it's not black and white we should learn to forgive ourselves and our children and heal slowly at our own pace x
I hope you don't mind me asking but why isn't your son able to live at home ?