How to manage overnight & supervised
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Just planning ahead...
I will have to update my safety plan in prepertion for when my person moves in. I edit it regularly depending on our changes through the process.
I asked one of my specialist contacts how I manage this and they said 'agree he will wake you if he leaves the bedroom to get water/pee etc'. I am not convinced this is robust enough. I wake up at the sound of a fly farting so it actually isnt an issue, but the safety plan needs to be bullet proof. I don't drink, take drugs etc so am never impared at night.
How do people manage this? I want my safety plan to be more robust than is needed as I am having to ensure all of us are protected - my child, myself, AND my person. He is at increased risk too if something is ever intimated, or if an outside party like an ex 'reports' something (I do not trust the ex to not do that). So I want to be confident we have a bullet proof safe life when we are all together again.
I will have to update my safety plan in prepertion for when my person moves in. I edit it regularly depending on our changes through the process.
I asked one of my specialist contacts how I manage this and they said 'agree he will wake you if he leaves the bedroom to get water/pee etc'. I am not convinced this is robust enough. I wake up at the sound of a fly farting so it actually isnt an issue, but the safety plan needs to be bullet proof. I don't drink, take drugs etc so am never impared at night.
How do people manage this? I want my safety plan to be more robust than is needed as I am having to ensure all of us are protected - my child, myself, AND my person. He is at increased risk too if something is ever intimated, or if an outside party like an ex 'reports' something (I do not trust the ex to not do that). So I want to be confident we have a bullet proof safe life when we are all together again.
How old are the children Bea? Advice would differ a bit dependent on age
Hello, im in a different and same situation (if that makes sense) as in no ex or anything involved but trying to think ahead for when that time comes for us to make that next step on this awful and horrible journey.
Me and my partner have been told should be get NFA or a caution he can return home but should it be anymore then our case will be reopened and futher assessments done with a meeting in which we would be invited to attend (currently closed with a safety plan in place)
and i didnt even think about writing my own safety plan to propose to them when that time comes.
It would depend on ages of your children, i have children too young to understand what is going on so last night my mind went on overdrive trying to write notes for our own safety plan and have thought of the following (they could be useful but they might not work or not be suitable for you)
- He Would not be involved in personal care (changing, bathing, helping toilet train or if our children need help on the toilet etc then it would all be me that does that)
-When our children our in the bath etc, they come upstairs with me and stay in their bedrooms whilst he cooks, cleans or does whatever needs doing downstairs (if anything) which is a routine we have now as i dont like them downstairs on their own when im upstairs so this would be just something that would continue for us. and when he is in the shower/bath, the children stay downstairs with me
-Safety gates/baby gates where appropiate (top of the stairs and also depends on age of your children) so if i am bathing one of our children etc ,i know when someone is coming up or opening the gate etc
-No school runs to protect any allegations from occuring and i dont think my partner could face the school anyway as he is really ashamed at what hes done.
-Dropping off to extra curricular activites are done by me or together (again depending on any conditions etc)
-Should children have friends over, he leaves the house and no sleepovers with friends in our home (unless approved by SS and depending on if he has to disclose to others anyway)
- No going into the kids bedrooms at all except when they are vomiting where he will be there with me whilst i clean the children up and he can clean the vomit (blergh)
-All goodnights etc are done downstairs and i take them to bed and all bedtime stories are done downstairs altogether
- Me and my partner have agreed to no passwords/fingerprint etc on his phone so should its needed its agreed that i can search his phone whenever (might me extreme but it has been something we have agreed on until the trust that has been broken can be rebuilt again.My partner does not want social media anymore as although he has no restrictions going on them, he hasnt done since the knock and hes so used to not having it now and he barely used it before this nightmare)
i have also read last night that some people get indoor cameras for all the rooms (except the bathroom) for peace of mind of all parties involved but not sure how comfortable you would be with that or how affective that is and not sure how SS would see that measure but it is an option you could consider if you wanted to cover every possible base going
Im really sorry if you have any of these already or if these are no good to you. i really hope you get through this really quickly and try and move on with both your lives as a family and im sorry you have found yourself here.
You can always message me should you want to talk more
Me and my partner have been told should be get NFA or a caution he can return home but should it be anymore then our case will be reopened and futher assessments done with a meeting in which we would be invited to attend (currently closed with a safety plan in place)
and i didnt even think about writing my own safety plan to propose to them when that time comes.
It would depend on ages of your children, i have children too young to understand what is going on so last night my mind went on overdrive trying to write notes for our own safety plan and have thought of the following (they could be useful but they might not work or not be suitable for you)
- He Would not be involved in personal care (changing, bathing, helping toilet train or if our children need help on the toilet etc then it would all be me that does that)
-When our children our in the bath etc, they come upstairs with me and stay in their bedrooms whilst he cooks, cleans or does whatever needs doing downstairs (if anything) which is a routine we have now as i dont like them downstairs on their own when im upstairs so this would be just something that would continue for us. and when he is in the shower/bath, the children stay downstairs with me
-Safety gates/baby gates where appropiate (top of the stairs and also depends on age of your children) so if i am bathing one of our children etc ,i know when someone is coming up or opening the gate etc
-No school runs to protect any allegations from occuring and i dont think my partner could face the school anyway as he is really ashamed at what hes done.
-Dropping off to extra curricular activites are done by me or together (again depending on any conditions etc)
-Should children have friends over, he leaves the house and no sleepovers with friends in our home (unless approved by SS and depending on if he has to disclose to others anyway)
- No going into the kids bedrooms at all except when they are vomiting where he will be there with me whilst i clean the children up and he can clean the vomit (blergh)
-All goodnights etc are done downstairs and i take them to bed and all bedtime stories are done downstairs altogether
- Me and my partner have agreed to no passwords/fingerprint etc on his phone so should its needed its agreed that i can search his phone whenever (might me extreme but it has been something we have agreed on until the trust that has been broken can be rebuilt again.My partner does not want social media anymore as although he has no restrictions going on them, he hasnt done since the knock and hes so used to not having it now and he barely used it before this nightmare)
i have also read last night that some people get indoor cameras for all the rooms (except the bathroom) for peace of mind of all parties involved but not sure how comfortable you would be with that or how affective that is and not sure how SS would see that measure but it is an option you could consider if you wanted to cover every possible base going
Im really sorry if you have any of these already or if these are no good to you. i really hope you get through this really quickly and try and move on with both your lives as a family and im sorry you have found yourself here.
You can always message me should you want to talk more
A couple of things that may be of use to you in addition to what has already been said are;
knocking and waiting for a response before entering private spaces of the house, bedrooms and bathrooms. This is mainly for the children but I also do this to show how important privacy is for everyone.
If the children wake in the night it is you who goes into their room rather than them coming into yours. I have an airbed in my little ones room for occasions where my partner stays overnight so if I'm needed by my daughter through the night and it's a rough one then at least I'm fairly comfortable and not freezing.
On the note of cameras within the home I'd be inclined to keep these limited to communal areas of the home or maybe just limited to the hallway, stairs and landing as this could be useful in the case of any reports made as they will show where your partner and children were.
I think it's also important to enforce a level of appropriate dress for communal areas of the house, no running from the bathroom to the bedroom or vice versa in a state of undress.
There was a suggestion quite a while ago, potentially years ago of a motion sensor alarm by children's bedrooms so you are alerted to them coming out or going in. I've not actually looked into those in more detail but that might be something to consider xxx
knocking and waiting for a response before entering private spaces of the house, bedrooms and bathrooms. This is mainly for the children but I also do this to show how important privacy is for everyone.
If the children wake in the night it is you who goes into their room rather than them coming into yours. I have an airbed in my little ones room for occasions where my partner stays overnight so if I'm needed by my daughter through the night and it's a rough one then at least I'm fairly comfortable and not freezing.
On the note of cameras within the home I'd be inclined to keep these limited to communal areas of the home or maybe just limited to the hallway, stairs and landing as this could be useful in the case of any reports made as they will show where your partner and children were.
I think it's also important to enforce a level of appropriate dress for communal areas of the house, no running from the bathroom to the bedroom or vice versa in a state of undress.
There was a suggestion quite a while ago, potentially years ago of a motion sensor alarm by children's bedrooms so you are alerted to them coming out or going in. I've not actually looked into those in more detail but that might be something to consider xxx
Oh thanks all for your responses.
Yes, my saftey plan has a lot of restrictions. He is not allowed in their bedroom at all (no need- not biological child), I do all care (thay are 10 so hardly any now anyway), bathrooms locked when in use, bedroom doors shut when changing.
My person is currently not allowed upstairs at all while my child is here, but when we move in together this is going to have to change, so I will adjust the plan accordingly.
It is literally the 'when we are all sleeping and he needs to leave the bedroom (no en suite) how do PROVE we have this under control? Cameras and sensors I can't see as us needing - He had a caution and 2 years on SOR - 1 already completed. No SHPO. Low Risk. I dont want to overkill it. But be proportionate and safe.
But maybe the sensor is the way to go. I dont know... Child Services did say they dont know how to safetly manage overnight stays when I spoke to them a few months ago, and I want to be go to them with the right and proportionate plan.
Yes, my saftey plan has a lot of restrictions. He is not allowed in their bedroom at all (no need- not biological child), I do all care (thay are 10 so hardly any now anyway), bathrooms locked when in use, bedroom doors shut when changing.
My person is currently not allowed upstairs at all while my child is here, but when we move in together this is going to have to change, so I will adjust the plan accordingly.
It is literally the 'when we are all sleeping and he needs to leave the bedroom (no en suite) how do PROVE we have this under control? Cameras and sensors I can't see as us needing - He had a caution and 2 years on SOR - 1 already completed. No SHPO. Low Risk. I dont want to overkill it. But be proportionate and safe.
But maybe the sensor is the way to go. I dont know... Child Services did say they dont know how to safetly manage overnight stays when I spoke to them a few months ago, and I want to be go to them with the right and proportionate plan.
And thanks for sharing your safety plan sugestions. There are some realy good points in there. particularly the going to their room and them not coming to mine if they need me in the night. Really useful.
I completely get that, it absolutely has to be safe and workable within a normal life. My daughter is only 3 so the precautions are different as she needs me a lot more and doesn't have the level of understanding that your child has.
Looking back to when my other two were 10 and what their needs were then I think I would have kept things really simple;
Emergency plan for fire etc, where is the escape route and what needs to be included in the safety plan for this?
An airbed/trundle bed and bedding in your daughters room for nights that she may be unwell and needs you close.
Everyone to be appropriately dressed through the night.
I do think to allow for a normal life where you can go to bed or get up at different times a motion sensor on your daughters door or a baby monitor type thing without video would allow for this.
We are looking to do a phased return to allow my daughter to be monitored in how she's coping and also to give us all time to adjust to living together. It's been almost 4 years since me and my partner have lived together and my daughter has never lived with him so I think it will be useful for nursery to be able to input any changes that they notice in her behaviour.
Keeping communication open with your daughter, letting her know a few people that can form her support network and perhaps getting her a notebook that she can write any worries in that she wants to share with you or a trusted adult.
Looking back to when my other two were 10 and what their needs were then I think I would have kept things really simple;
Emergency plan for fire etc, where is the escape route and what needs to be included in the safety plan for this?
An airbed/trundle bed and bedding in your daughters room for nights that she may be unwell and needs you close.
Everyone to be appropriately dressed through the night.
I do think to allow for a normal life where you can go to bed or get up at different times a motion sensor on your daughters door or a baby monitor type thing without video would allow for this.
We are looking to do a phased return to allow my daughter to be monitored in how she's coping and also to give us all time to adjust to living together. It's been almost 4 years since me and my partner have lived together and my daughter has never lived with him so I think it will be useful for nursery to be able to input any changes that they notice in her behaviour.
Keeping communication open with your daughter, letting her know a few people that can form her support network and perhaps getting her a notebook that she can write any worries in that she wants to share with you or a trusted adult.
Distressed and Pregnant, thanks. More useful info to consider. Yup, I think the sensor is the way to go. It is ensuring I am covering all bases, and will show CS I have considered everything that could happen within a 24 hr period, and how I will deal with anything should it happen - like if I get taken ill - what will be my plan for my child.