My dad
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Hello
Thanks for reading this
Ive only recently discovered this site due to my wife finding it and Ive been struggling to find somewhere to talk about these issues so I hope theres some people out there that can offer some advice and relatable stories.
My dad was arrested for viewing indecent images/videos of children and I dont know how best to contend with it. I love/loved this man growing up he was honestly the best dad you could hope to have growing up, noone would have had a bad word to say about my dad until this happened. Since this happened Ive really struggled trying to relate the honest, loving, caring man my dad has always been to me compared to the image I have now of a old man sat in the dark on the family PC looking at horrific images or videos of children that shouldnt exist. His reasoning for this (if there is such a thing) was erectile dysfunction that lead to watching increasingly hardcore porn and then to downloading off torrent websites mass folders of what he called BDSM porn within which there would be folders and files of children.
He said the first time he came across it he nearly screamed and then he said he'd go back to it repeatedly for the thrill of looking at something you shouldnt look at. He likened it to driving past a car crash and being unable to look away, or lads at work showing each other a horrible ISIS video or something. He assured me looking at these images of children never lead to sexual gratification for himself. But am I being gullable wanting to believe that? and if so wouldnt you look at it once realise what it is and never do it again why would you go back again and again? Is he lying to me?
As you can imagine this has had en earth shattering impact on the family. Basically the family is split it into two camps. One standing by him although disgusted with what he has done and the other completely writing him off as the P-word. Im so completely torn and trying to tow the line and remain the bridge I think my family needs betweeen both camps. For myself I hate him for what hes done I'll never be able to look at him the same and at the same time hes still the man that taught me right from wrong growing up and now hes so broken and a shadow of his former self that I feel like he needs me now more than ever.
The hardest part of all this is trying to be the one in the middle as tensions rise from both sides of my family who I think see me as not commiting to either side. Its getting me so low that I just dont want to do anything anymore. I dont want to go outside, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be healthy, I just want to leave everything.
Anyway if anyones got anything to say let me know and thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading this
Ive only recently discovered this site due to my wife finding it and Ive been struggling to find somewhere to talk about these issues so I hope theres some people out there that can offer some advice and relatable stories.
My dad was arrested for viewing indecent images/videos of children and I dont know how best to contend with it. I love/loved this man growing up he was honestly the best dad you could hope to have growing up, noone would have had a bad word to say about my dad until this happened. Since this happened Ive really struggled trying to relate the honest, loving, caring man my dad has always been to me compared to the image I have now of a old man sat in the dark on the family PC looking at horrific images or videos of children that shouldnt exist. His reasoning for this (if there is such a thing) was erectile dysfunction that lead to watching increasingly hardcore porn and then to downloading off torrent websites mass folders of what he called BDSM porn within which there would be folders and files of children.
He said the first time he came across it he nearly screamed and then he said he'd go back to it repeatedly for the thrill of looking at something you shouldnt look at. He likened it to driving past a car crash and being unable to look away, or lads at work showing each other a horrible ISIS video or something. He assured me looking at these images of children never lead to sexual gratification for himself. But am I being gullable wanting to believe that? and if so wouldnt you look at it once realise what it is and never do it again why would you go back again and again? Is he lying to me?
As you can imagine this has had en earth shattering impact on the family. Basically the family is split it into two camps. One standing by him although disgusted with what he has done and the other completely writing him off as the P-word. Im so completely torn and trying to tow the line and remain the bridge I think my family needs betweeen both camps. For myself I hate him for what hes done I'll never be able to look at him the same and at the same time hes still the man that taught me right from wrong growing up and now hes so broken and a shadow of his former self that I feel like he needs me now more than ever.
The hardest part of all this is trying to be the one in the middle as tensions rise from both sides of my family who I think see me as not commiting to either side. Its getting me so low that I just dont want to do anything anymore. I dont want to go outside, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be healthy, I just want to leave everything.
Anyway if anyones got anything to say let me know and thanks for reading.
The father you have loved & identified with,is still the same person. However he has succumbed to the evil porn of the internet.
Some offenders ( a minority) seek out these images but many are drawn in through addiction/thril/danger & are then shown images they would never have searched for.
I knew my son was lonely,isolated& socially awkward. But I never imagined he would be viewing such images.
We all have to grieve for the person we thought we knew.
Each family member/friend has to grieve in their own way. Our other adult children have distanced themselves. Still speak to their brother,but cannot relax in his company.
The most important thing is to look after yourself & try to note the good things/achievements around you.
The LFF helpline are a huge help in listening when you don't know who to talk to. Please ring them for support.
Some offenders ( a minority) seek out these images but many are drawn in through addiction/thril/danger & are then shown images they would never have searched for.
I knew my son was lonely,isolated& socially awkward. But I never imagined he would be viewing such images.
We all have to grieve for the person we thought we knew.
Each family member/friend has to grieve in their own way. Our other adult children have distanced themselves. Still speak to their brother,but cannot relax in his company.
The most important thing is to look after yourself & try to note the good things/achievements around you.
The LFF helpline are a huge help in listening when you don't know who to talk to. Please ring them for support.
Hi Adam, I'm sorry you've found yourself joining us on here but you've done the right thing in reaching out. I'm in a different position to you as I'm the mum of an offender but like you I'm here because of a loved one.
I agree with everything EBP said regarding the reasons our people find themselves offending in the way they have and contacting the Stop it now helpline may help you by providing you information and support with this.
As far as I'm concerned my son is my son and I've supported and walked with him each step of the way. He's a wonderful son and a great Dad and his children are his world. Yes he's done a terrible thing and he'll pay for that for the rest of his life but he's still my son who I love unconditionally. At the moment his children are still young but i hope and pray that when they're old enough to understand what he did they'll continue to love him and never turn their backs on the Dad who loves them so much.
I agree with everything EBP said regarding the reasons our people find themselves offending in the way they have and contacting the Stop it now helpline may help you by providing you information and support with this.
As far as I'm concerned my son is my son and I've supported and walked with him each step of the way. He's a wonderful son and a great Dad and his children are his world. Yes he's done a terrible thing and he'll pay for that for the rest of his life but he's still my son who I love unconditionally. At the moment his children are still young but i hope and pray that when they're old enough to understand what he did they'll continue to love him and never turn their backs on the Dad who loves them so much.
I think we cannot underestimate the shock. I feel that you are in need of support.It sounds to me that the position you have felt the need to take, as the bridge for your family, is a lot to take on . I really hope you are able to ask for help . It might be an idea to go see you doctor who could refer you to someone to talk to or call the Stop it Now help line .
Hi Adam2306,
first of all I am so sorry that you are going through this and I think what you described, the struggle to reconcile the person that we know and love with what they have done is one of the toughest aspects of this.
When I was struggling with reconciling the loving, caring man I knew with that image of a weird creep who sits in front of his computer spending so much time looking at this, I sometimes, in very dark moments, thought that this person has lied to me for as long as I have known them, built up this facade to trick me and everyone I know into believing he was a good person while he was, in reality, truly evil.
But then, at one point in this spiral I stopped and asked myself: what is more likely? That the person who I have seen do the right thing so many times, the person who supported me when I was at my lowest points, the person who thinks about everyone but himself first, has lied to me all these years? That the person really put so much effort and energy into tricking me and managed to do that, but not only me but his family and friends and colleagues?
Or that he is really all of that but that he has fallen off the track, to put it very mildly. That, like many of us at one point or another, he has gone down the wrong path and unfortunately that path was something completely unregulated, always available, easily to access, and so burdened with shame and stigma that he felt completely unable to stop or seek help or even begin to talk about it.
The reasoning of your dad sounds like my person... I am saying this to show you that it may be true what he says as other people have named the same reasons completely independently from one another. Whether you choose to believe him or not is completely up to you. I also want to strongly emphasise that if you choose to believe him that does not mean that you find this behaviour acceptable. It means you accept his explanation of why he did something wrong (and it sounds like he knows what he did was wrong).
It is always a headscratcher for me. Why do people do these horrible things, especially when they know what they do is wrong. I don't know whether this helps you or is applicable to you but it helped me to think of the times I had done something wrong (leaving the gravity of the act out of it). Why did I start smoking when I knew it was really bad for you? Why did I continue to smoke even when everyone around me told me they wished for me to stop? Why did I lie to one of my boyfriends once when I was a teenager? Why did I say something stupid sat down at the pub? The answer usually isn't simply "because I thought this was acceptable" but there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe that is the same for your dad.
I am also so sorry to hear that your family has split because of this. This pressure they put on you is not helping as you also have to process what you have learned about your dad. I would strongly encourage you to find your own position towards this, as hard as it is, because the position you choose for yourself will help you move forward because it is built on your beliefs and values and not something that has been forced on you (and this position may well be with certain family members). Who knows, maybe some family members and you can find a good middle ground.
It is all a process and it's long. And that is tough. But it also means that everything is in constant movement and can change. And your dad can change as well. There are so many people who have done these horrible things for years and years, hiding it from everyone and then stop (with the right support and conditions in place). I hope your dad can do that as well.
Lastly, I posted this in this forum already, but I found this study really enlightening on why they do it and it also helped me to see that my person was not just making up stupid excuses but that they had a genuine issue with many underlying factors that led them down this horrible path.
Here is a link to the page with a brief summary/abstract of the study:
https://etheses.bham.ac.uk/id/eprint/5273/
and here is a link to the pdf:
https://etheses.bham.ac.uk//id/eprint/5273/4/ReidMilligan14ForenPsyD.pdf
I found reading the accounts of others quite helpful. This source was especially helpful since it puts the quotes into a wider framework and it gave me hope to see that there are so many factors playing a role and it's not as simple as many people and especially the media portrays it.
However, if you find that too distressing at the moment: no need to read it, it's just a suggestion!
Wishing you all the best and all the strength in this world!
first of all I am so sorry that you are going through this and I think what you described, the struggle to reconcile the person that we know and love with what they have done is one of the toughest aspects of this.
When I was struggling with reconciling the loving, caring man I knew with that image of a weird creep who sits in front of his computer spending so much time looking at this, I sometimes, in very dark moments, thought that this person has lied to me for as long as I have known them, built up this facade to trick me and everyone I know into believing he was a good person while he was, in reality, truly evil.
But then, at one point in this spiral I stopped and asked myself: what is more likely? That the person who I have seen do the right thing so many times, the person who supported me when I was at my lowest points, the person who thinks about everyone but himself first, has lied to me all these years? That the person really put so much effort and energy into tricking me and managed to do that, but not only me but his family and friends and colleagues?
Or that he is really all of that but that he has fallen off the track, to put it very mildly. That, like many of us at one point or another, he has gone down the wrong path and unfortunately that path was something completely unregulated, always available, easily to access, and so burdened with shame and stigma that he felt completely unable to stop or seek help or even begin to talk about it.
The reasoning of your dad sounds like my person... I am saying this to show you that it may be true what he says as other people have named the same reasons completely independently from one another. Whether you choose to believe him or not is completely up to you. I also want to strongly emphasise that if you choose to believe him that does not mean that you find this behaviour acceptable. It means you accept his explanation of why he did something wrong (and it sounds like he knows what he did was wrong).
It is always a headscratcher for me. Why do people do these horrible things, especially when they know what they do is wrong. I don't know whether this helps you or is applicable to you but it helped me to think of the times I had done something wrong (leaving the gravity of the act out of it). Why did I start smoking when I knew it was really bad for you? Why did I continue to smoke even when everyone around me told me they wished for me to stop? Why did I lie to one of my boyfriends once when I was a teenager? Why did I say something stupid sat down at the pub? The answer usually isn't simply "because I thought this was acceptable" but there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe that is the same for your dad.
I am also so sorry to hear that your family has split because of this. This pressure they put on you is not helping as you also have to process what you have learned about your dad. I would strongly encourage you to find your own position towards this, as hard as it is, because the position you choose for yourself will help you move forward because it is built on your beliefs and values and not something that has been forced on you (and this position may well be with certain family members). Who knows, maybe some family members and you can find a good middle ground.
It is all a process and it's long. And that is tough. But it also means that everything is in constant movement and can change. And your dad can change as well. There are so many people who have done these horrible things for years and years, hiding it from everyone and then stop (with the right support and conditions in place). I hope your dad can do that as well.
Lastly, I posted this in this forum already, but I found this study really enlightening on why they do it and it also helped me to see that my person was not just making up stupid excuses but that they had a genuine issue with many underlying factors that led them down this horrible path.
Here is a link to the page with a brief summary/abstract of the study:
https://etheses.bham.ac.uk/id/eprint/5273/
and here is a link to the pdf:
https://etheses.bham.ac.uk//id/eprint/5273/4/ReidMilligan14ForenPsyD.pdf
I found reading the accounts of others quite helpful. This source was especially helpful since it puts the quotes into a wider framework and it gave me hope to see that there are so many factors playing a role and it's not as simple as many people and especially the media portrays it.
However, if you find that too distressing at the moment: no need to read it, it's just a suggestion!
Wishing you all the best and all the strength in this world!
Yes, do read the report Adam. Thank you for flagging it up Silent Sea. It really helped me find some peace about our son.
The thing that I found sobering is the fact that some of the interviewees said words to the effect that although the original viewing was because of their carelessness or by accident, once seen they realised that they felt attracted to looking although they would never ever have even considered having anything but revulsion if asked about it before that fateful use of the internet. It made me realise how none of us know what is in our deepest psyche, and outside of our moral compass and rational thought processes, which we might discover about ourselves if we're not vigilant about our behaviour generally but especially in our internet use.
Adam - as others have said so well already - your dad is still that dad who brought you up so well and who loves you. Yes, you've discovered in a really awful way that he isn't exempt from human frailties but this behaviour doesn't define him. I hope you can hang onto that despite there being such a big cloud over those happy memories at the moment. I could cry for you and encourage you to keep posting on here. Hope you can find a way to bridge the gap in your family as well. I'm fortunate that my children all supported their brother after having talked to him and being assured that he is seeking help. Can you encourage your father to maybe do the LFF Inform course? Our son was hugely helped by that and my husband and I did the one for families which really did us good.
The thing that I found sobering is the fact that some of the interviewees said words to the effect that although the original viewing was because of their carelessness or by accident, once seen they realised that they felt attracted to looking although they would never ever have even considered having anything but revulsion if asked about it before that fateful use of the internet. It made me realise how none of us know what is in our deepest psyche, and outside of our moral compass and rational thought processes, which we might discover about ourselves if we're not vigilant about our behaviour generally but especially in our internet use.
Adam - as others have said so well already - your dad is still that dad who brought you up so well and who loves you. Yes, you've discovered in a really awful way that he isn't exempt from human frailties but this behaviour doesn't define him. I hope you can hang onto that despite there being such a big cloud over those happy memories at the moment. I could cry for you and encourage you to keep posting on here. Hope you can find a way to bridge the gap in your family as well. I'm fortunate that my children all supported their brother after having talked to him and being assured that he is seeking help. Can you encourage your father to maybe do the LFF Inform course? Our son was hugely helped by that and my husband and I did the one for families which really did us good.
I want to second rainyday52, we don't really know what's going in inside of us 100%, some people discover weird attractions to certain things (and this doesn't even need to be sexual, the way your dad describes it makes perfect sense for me as well, I know someone from my work who did his PhD on genocide and human rights violations and had to read all these reports about vicious things and he said he found it interesting and revolting at the same time and that at some points he had to jerk himself away from it because he was doing nothing else... so it definitely makes sense that this could happen with other strange things as well)
And yes, do try to do the course and talk to the LFF helpline. Both helped me immensely. Your dad seems to know that what he did was wrong and he sounds like he wants to stop so these are very good signs that he can get back on track to be the person you know and love.
I also just remembered another article that I found very helpful by Robert Weiss (generally check him out, he has written a lot about porn, sex addiction, why people cheat/get addicted to porn etc)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202011/understanding-users-child-pornography
I found this so helpful because it shows that not everyone who watches these things is the same and I could actually see my person in the description of Sexually Compulsive/Addicted Offenders which is also the group that responds very well to treatment and with very low reoffending rates.
I hope that helps and also please keep in mind that even though in the public discourse p-words and sexual offenders are often lumped together that only approximately 1% of the population are actually attracted to minors and even then there are ways to help them deal with this and stop them from hurting someone.
All the best to you!
And yes, do try to do the course and talk to the LFF helpline. Both helped me immensely. Your dad seems to know that what he did was wrong and he sounds like he wants to stop so these are very good signs that he can get back on track to be the person you know and love.
I also just remembered another article that I found very helpful by Robert Weiss (generally check him out, he has written a lot about porn, sex addiction, why people cheat/get addicted to porn etc)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202011/understanding-users-child-pornography
I found this so helpful because it shows that not everyone who watches these things is the same and I could actually see my person in the description of Sexually Compulsive/Addicted Offenders which is also the group that responds very well to treatment and with very low reoffending rates.
I hope that helps and also please keep in mind that even though in the public discourse p-words and sexual offenders are often lumped together that only approximately 1% of the population are actually attracted to minors and even then there are ways to help them deal with this and stop them from hurting someone.
All the best to you!
Hi Adam.
I am the wife of an offender. His reasons/excuses for offending sound exactly the same as your Dad's.
We have 2 grown up children who have both decided to have nothing to do with their father. They are adults so I respect their decision. I do hope that maybe one day they might have some sort of relationship but at the moment their emotions are still to recent and raw.
I am the wife of an offender. His reasons/excuses for offending sound exactly the same as your Dad's.
We have 2 grown up children who have both decided to have nothing to do with their father. They are adults so I respect their decision. I do hope that maybe one day they might have some sort of relationship but at the moment their emotions are still to recent and raw.
Hello Adam / I really feel for you - it's such a terrible shock to find out about a loved ones 'secret life'. My son is such a good man, a loving and kind person, i was bought to my knees when we discovered his crimes - then later sadly he was marched off to begin a long custodial, horrendous.
just to say people's opinions are flexible and 'can' change and mellow with time, as hard as it is- I do my best to respect that. But agree, to me the most hurtful thing is them thinking he is a creepy P. I haven't the energy to battle my sons corner and continue to beat myself up, so I have to let it go, to keep my sanity.
i keep my feelings about him tucked away in my heart and no one will change that.
just to say people's opinions are flexible and 'can' change and mellow with time, as hard as it is- I do my best to respect that. But agree, to me the most hurtful thing is them thinking he is a creepy P. I haven't the energy to battle my sons corner and continue to beat myself up, so I have to let it go, to keep my sanity.
i keep my feelings about him tucked away in my heart and no one will change that.
Hi, I can completely relate to how torn you feel. From my experience and things I've read, sometimes they will never really divulge what drew them in to this. With my ex, he said he felt very confused as a young teen and wondered if he was gay. He decided he wasn't but realised he was attracted to children. He kept it hidden until age 47 and whenever I said to him, what tipped you over edge to actively start looking at images and to this day he can't or won't explain. After my ex was imprisoned, myself and my two adult kids visited him. I also had two younger children who weren't allowed to which was devastating. My ex is a highly educated, gentle and unassuming man. I knew that if I didn't visit him he wouldn't survive in there and I needed him to for the sake of my children who adore him. I had a best friend at the time who was so appalled that I visited him that she never spoke to me again. Anyway, I completely get that you are stuck in the middle but it shouldn't be that way. You have to do what's right for you. He's still your Dad and all your memories of him are valid. He's still that person. People will judge but they have absolutely no right to. We are all individuals And there's no right or wrong way to be when facing this horrific situation. All the very best to you x
Hi
First of all I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I can completely understand everything you have said as it was my dad too! I know that sadness it runs deep, the disappointment is overwhelming. How can your dad do such a thing?!
there is something about the offender being your dad that is so different to all other relationships. Your hero, the man you looked up to is now unrecognisable, and you simply don't know who he is anymore.
My dad was arrested in 2020, I like you am (still am) the bridge between 2 camps.
My dad needed someone and that someone was me, I hated him but I saw how vulnerable and lost he became. The anxiety took its toll and the weight loss was dramatic.
We are nearly 4 years on (I don't know where the time has gone) and in some ways it has got more difficult. Still 2 camps and I always try to be neutral.
In some ways forgiveness will help you deal with the shock, life will be different and your relationship will change with your dad, but it doesn't have to be the end.
Please feel free to message me to chat more. It's also good for me to chat too.
First of all I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I can completely understand everything you have said as it was my dad too! I know that sadness it runs deep, the disappointment is overwhelming. How can your dad do such a thing?!
there is something about the offender being your dad that is so different to all other relationships. Your hero, the man you looked up to is now unrecognisable, and you simply don't know who he is anymore.
My dad was arrested in 2020, I like you am (still am) the bridge between 2 camps.
My dad needed someone and that someone was me, I hated him but I saw how vulnerable and lost he became. The anxiety took its toll and the weight loss was dramatic.
We are nearly 4 years on (I don't know where the time has gone) and in some ways it has got more difficult. Still 2 camps and I always try to be neutral.
In some ways forgiveness will help you deal with the shock, life will be different and your relationship will change with your dad, but it doesn't have to be the end.
Please feel free to message me to chat more. It's also good for me to chat too.