Is a ‘normal’ life possible?
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Hi,
I have spent the last two weeks reading all the posts here. They are full of hope and support. Thank you.
I would really like some honest advice on what it is like to live with and love someone who is on the SOR and living with the restrictions and rules that it brings.
I met my person a year ago, I fell deeply and totally in love with him. What I didn't realise until three weeks ago was that he had been arrested two years previously. He appeared in court two weeks ago and was sentenced to ten months imprisonment and will be on the SOR for ten years.
My head is saying that the lies alone are enough to leave him, that's before I even begin to understand what he did. My heart is saying I love him and a future 'could' be possible.
I'm not asking if I should stay or leave as only I can make that decision but I really would like advice on what it is like living with the restrictions. The secrecy, the practicalities of life. Can a 'normal' life ever be resumed after something like this. I don't have young children they are adults who live in their own homes, I don't have grandchildren yet but that would be possible. I have a large family with lots of gatherings, the thought of ten years of my partner never coming to things like weddings and Christmas etc and the inability to discuss things openly with friends etc seems like I could be setting myself up for a lonely hard life. The one friend I have told about this although supportive of me made it very clear she would never want to see my partner again and thinks I'm ridiculous for even considering the idea of staying with him. I'm so hurt and confused right now I can't think straight.
sorry that was longer than I had planned. Thank you so much for providing this safe place to talk.
I have spent the last two weeks reading all the posts here. They are full of hope and support. Thank you.
I would really like some honest advice on what it is like to live with and love someone who is on the SOR and living with the restrictions and rules that it brings.
I met my person a year ago, I fell deeply and totally in love with him. What I didn't realise until three weeks ago was that he had been arrested two years previously. He appeared in court two weeks ago and was sentenced to ten months imprisonment and will be on the SOR for ten years.
My head is saying that the lies alone are enough to leave him, that's before I even begin to understand what he did. My heart is saying I love him and a future 'could' be possible.
I'm not asking if I should stay or leave as only I can make that decision but I really would like advice on what it is like living with the restrictions. The secrecy, the practicalities of life. Can a 'normal' life ever be resumed after something like this. I don't have young children they are adults who live in their own homes, I don't have grandchildren yet but that would be possible. I have a large family with lots of gatherings, the thought of ten years of my partner never coming to things like weddings and Christmas etc and the inability to discuss things openly with friends etc seems like I could be setting myself up for a lonely hard life. The one friend I have told about this although supportive of me made it very clear she would never want to see my partner again and thinks I'm ridiculous for even considering the idea of staying with him. I'm so hurt and confused right now I can't think straight.
sorry that was longer than I had planned. Thank you so much for providing this safe place to talk.
How I feel for you (Penny) and (The Gift that Keeps on Giving).....Both obviously going through an extremely difficult time. I sometimes think we suffer more turmoil than the offender - the ripples create havoc in our lives, we go through hell, bearing in mind we are 'innocent' and yes 'victims'.
I feel I can't give you much advice as my son is the offender - so not the same as a husband/partner. Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone - we understand your every word / I'm sure ladies will offer advice.
can I just send you both a loving hug x
I feel I can't give you much advice as my son is the offender - so not the same as a husband/partner. Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone - we understand your every word / I'm sure ladies will offer advice.
can I just send you both a loving hug x
Hiya Penny.
So my hubby was sentenced to a 2 year community order with 5 years on SOR and SHPO.
To be honest a few have changed. Ok we moved but we where doing it a year before sentencing and of course lost his job.
He wasn't in the press. We go to the pub , restaurants and we only have holidays in this country and we don't have holidays in caravan parks private rental only.
xx
So my hubby was sentenced to a 2 year community order with 5 years on SOR and SHPO.
To be honest a few have changed. Ok we moved but we where doing it a year before sentencing and of course lost his job.
He wasn't in the press. We go to the pub , restaurants and we only have holidays in this country and we don't have holidays in caravan parks private rental only.
xx
I didn't want it impacting on the rest of my life. Just waiting for it to rear it's ugly head. Yes it impacts the wider family. I don't think it would ever go away.
Hi Penny, I think it will depend on the restrictions your person has once they leave prison. My son has a 10 year SOR and SHPO which states no unsupervised contact with anyone under 18 years unless agreed by SS.
My son now lives with me and his Dad so we make sure one of us is always around to supervise contact between him and his children. He still attends family events as we are there supervising. We have a few members of the family who are able to supervise so family events are covered. We aren't able to go on holidays to places like centre parcs and holiday camps but we can go to places that don't stipulate no SOR in their T's & C's.
For us I would say that it takes a bit more thought and planning but yes we can have a relatively normal life. If ever he's in any doubt he checks with his probation officer and Visor and they are very reasonable in their responses.
My son now lives with me and his Dad so we make sure one of us is always around to supervise contact between him and his children. He still attends family events as we are there supervising. We have a few members of the family who are able to supervise so family events are covered. We aren't able to go on holidays to places like centre parcs and holiday camps but we can go to places that don't stipulate no SOR in their T's & C's.
For us I would say that it takes a bit more thought and planning but yes we can have a relatively normal life. If ever he's in any doubt he checks with his probation officer and Visor and they are very reasonable in their responses.
Thank you so much for your replies. Just having this safe place to speak is so precious to me right now. I still have no idea what I will do. Four weeks ago I would have said there's no way on this earth I would even consider being with someone who could do something like this yet here I am. It's so confusing and conflicting. I almost hate myself for not hating him so much which I know is not right. Hopefully as the shock subsides I will gain some clarity.
xxx
xxx
I don't have an answer but I hold much hope that it is possible. My husband will be released in May, he will have served 16 months and will be on licence for the same. I have no control over the future and can only control how I respond to events as they unfold, this is true for all aspects of life not just this situation. A week before his release we will have been married for 18 years. This has changed our life together not ended it. Our future is never guaranteed, all we can do is choose our path and see where it takes us x
It will depend a lot on restrictions but we have a normal life other than holidays,m. He does everything a normal husband and dad would do but we are careful he is never unsupervised with any child other than our own. Another thing is that he is under employed as so many places do DBS checks now, so we are financially not as comfortable as we were.
I can't see how it would be possible without complete openess, transparency and accountability from him, which it doesn't sound like you've got.
Can I ask what the charges were for people's custody sentences please? We got court next week and very scared of prison. Thanks
Hi Ghosthunter.
His offence was two counts of attempted contact with a minor (aged 15) they were attempted as they were a police sting but he obviously didn't know that. He thought he was talking to real girls. This was on one day, within one hour. He admitted it and pled guilty to both counts.
In one of the chats he sent a picture of his bare chest. He set up his account as a 19 year old and introduced himself as being 19. Each chat was between 5-7 messages long. Both 'girls' clearly said they were 15. There was no mistake in thinking they were older.
There were no images or any other history of chats etc on any of his devices when searched.
His solicitor and said it was particularly harsh to go to prison for these charges as a first offence. Although I have no idea what is harsh and what's normal, I'm in my angry phase at the moment and it doesn't seem that harsh to me but tomorrow or even later today I will think differently. It's a roller coaster of emotions isn't it. Sorry that's probably not much help to you sorry.
He was sentenced to nine months in prison and will serve just under five. He will be on the register for ten years.
just my advice which is very limited is as hard as it might be at least have a plan in place should your person be sent to prison. My person was so confident he wouldn't be sent to prison that nothing was in place, his poor dad is now trying to empty his flat and find documents, he had to travel 300 miles to get his car from a pay and display car park where he had paid for six hours of parking. He had nothing with him, no clothes, no toiletries. He didn't know anyone's phone number or address so took ages to get in contact. Just lots of things that could have been avoided and It's just so much added stress at a time that is already incredibly stressful.
wishing you lots of love at this really hard time for you.
His offence was two counts of attempted contact with a minor (aged 15) they were attempted as they were a police sting but he obviously didn't know that. He thought he was talking to real girls. This was on one day, within one hour. He admitted it and pled guilty to both counts.
In one of the chats he sent a picture of his bare chest. He set up his account as a 19 year old and introduced himself as being 19. Each chat was between 5-7 messages long. Both 'girls' clearly said they were 15. There was no mistake in thinking they were older.
There were no images or any other history of chats etc on any of his devices when searched.
His solicitor and said it was particularly harsh to go to prison for these charges as a first offence. Although I have no idea what is harsh and what's normal, I'm in my angry phase at the moment and it doesn't seem that harsh to me but tomorrow or even later today I will think differently. It's a roller coaster of emotions isn't it. Sorry that's probably not much help to you sorry.
He was sentenced to nine months in prison and will serve just under five. He will be on the register for ten years.
just my advice which is very limited is as hard as it might be at least have a plan in place should your person be sent to prison. My person was so confident he wouldn't be sent to prison that nothing was in place, his poor dad is now trying to empty his flat and find documents, he had to travel 300 miles to get his car from a pay and display car park where he had paid for six hours of parking. He had nothing with him, no clothes, no toiletries. He didn't know anyone's phone number or address so took ages to get in contact. Just lots of things that could have been avoided and It's just so much added stress at a time that is already incredibly stressful.
wishing you lots of love at this really hard time for you.