I’ve chosen not to support him
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I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while but I’ve been hesitant because I’m aware that most people here are supporting their person, which of course I fully respect. My post, however, is for those who have, for whatever reason, decided that they can’t support them.
My story begins similarly to everyone’s here, in that we had a really happy life together and I didn’t have any clue about what my husband was doing, but mine differs in that he wasn’t ‘caught’ by the police. It came to light after I found some images on our PC last October and, when I questioned him, he started telling me about his porn addiction, then about looking at IIOC, which resulted in us both ending up distraught and me calling our GP for help. The GP was duty bound to report him to the police, so he was then arrested, our home was searched, and all electronic devices were taken.
SO much more has come out since then, all of it horrifying, and it’s become apparent that he’s been doing these sickening things for years. His collection of IIOC goes back at least 16 years and I’ve been told there is a ‘considerable quantity’ of IIOC stored on a more recent collection of memory sticks, along with printed images (both professional and home-printed) from over the years.
There was also another incident he told me about that happened in person some years ago. I can’t go into details, but it is unforgivable. I’ve been told that because of this incident it’s likely to be 2026 before he goes to court, as forensics have to go through absolutely everything they’ve seized.
Earlier this year I found three separate hand-written, highly-detailed accounts of him being at the local swimming pool, watching children, “choosing his prey” (his words) and then following them into the men’s changing rooms where he would expose himself to them. He wrote in one of them “heaven would be like this only touching would be allowed”. The accounts were so vivid they made me physically sick. As a result, he’s been issued with an additional SRO on top of his bail conditions.
He’d also been taking naked photos of himself in public places – the same places where we used to go for walks together in our local area. I’ve found numerous printed indecent photos and videos of himself, including in my home where I invited him to come and live with me when we were first together around 20 years ago. This shows his complete disrespect for me from day one of our relationship. He’s also had indecent items delivered to his parents’ address, which shows the same lack of respect for them too.
Before all of this, we had a brilliant and happy life, a successful small business, and plans for our future together, but now I have no idea what’s ahead. I thought I was with my soulmate, which is why what I've found out about his lifelong indecent and illegal behaviour is all the more shocking and devastating.
I deliberated for a long time on whether I could support him – I’d married him in sickness and in health – but he knew before we were even together (we were originally work colleagues and friends) that I was a decent person with high moral standards, and honesty was my number one priority. Yet, despite that, he chose to come into my life, do all of these despicable things, deceive me and lie to me throughout our relationship and marriage. I can’t ever forgive him for that.
Since I made my decision, he and his parents have accused me of instigating his arrest and told me that I should’ve supported him by withholding evidence. His parents sent me a nasty email with lies about our marriage being in decline and told me that if he was to take his life it would be my fault. I know it wouldn’t be, as this entire situation is solely of his doing, but it was incredibly hurtful.
So, I know I’ve done the right thing in leaving him, but I’m now having to navigate through a divorce and house sale. He’s moved out and I’m still living in what was our happy home, but it’s taking its toll on my mental health (which is already shattered by what he’s done), so I’m not sure how much longer I can stay here. He’s sullied all of my happy memories and wasted the last 20+ years of my life. I’m scared for my future and my financial situation, which I thought was secure, and, although I have some amazing friends and family supporting me, I feel so alone.
The words he wrote and the images I’ve been forced to see will haunt me for the rest of my life.
My story begins similarly to everyone’s here, in that we had a really happy life together and I didn’t have any clue about what my husband was doing, but mine differs in that he wasn’t ‘caught’ by the police. It came to light after I found some images on our PC last October and, when I questioned him, he started telling me about his porn addiction, then about looking at IIOC, which resulted in us both ending up distraught and me calling our GP for help. The GP was duty bound to report him to the police, so he was then arrested, our home was searched, and all electronic devices were taken.
SO much more has come out since then, all of it horrifying, and it’s become apparent that he’s been doing these sickening things for years. His collection of IIOC goes back at least 16 years and I’ve been told there is a ‘considerable quantity’ of IIOC stored on a more recent collection of memory sticks, along with printed images (both professional and home-printed) from over the years.
There was also another incident he told me about that happened in person some years ago. I can’t go into details, but it is unforgivable. I’ve been told that because of this incident it’s likely to be 2026 before he goes to court, as forensics have to go through absolutely everything they’ve seized.
Earlier this year I found three separate hand-written, highly-detailed accounts of him being at the local swimming pool, watching children, “choosing his prey” (his words) and then following them into the men’s changing rooms where he would expose himself to them. He wrote in one of them “heaven would be like this only touching would be allowed”. The accounts were so vivid they made me physically sick. As a result, he’s been issued with an additional SRO on top of his bail conditions.
He’d also been taking naked photos of himself in public places – the same places where we used to go for walks together in our local area. I’ve found numerous printed indecent photos and videos of himself, including in my home where I invited him to come and live with me when we were first together around 20 years ago. This shows his complete disrespect for me from day one of our relationship. He’s also had indecent items delivered to his parents’ address, which shows the same lack of respect for them too.
Before all of this, we had a brilliant and happy life, a successful small business, and plans for our future together, but now I have no idea what’s ahead. I thought I was with my soulmate, which is why what I've found out about his lifelong indecent and illegal behaviour is all the more shocking and devastating.
I deliberated for a long time on whether I could support him – I’d married him in sickness and in health – but he knew before we were even together (we were originally work colleagues and friends) that I was a decent person with high moral standards, and honesty was my number one priority. Yet, despite that, he chose to come into my life, do all of these despicable things, deceive me and lie to me throughout our relationship and marriage. I can’t ever forgive him for that.
Since I made my decision, he and his parents have accused me of instigating his arrest and told me that I should’ve supported him by withholding evidence. His parents sent me a nasty email with lies about our marriage being in decline and told me that if he was to take his life it would be my fault. I know it wouldn’t be, as this entire situation is solely of his doing, but it was incredibly hurtful.
So, I know I’ve done the right thing in leaving him, but I’m now having to navigate through a divorce and house sale. He’s moved out and I’m still living in what was our happy home, but it’s taking its toll on my mental health (which is already shattered by what he’s done), so I’m not sure how much longer I can stay here. He’s sullied all of my happy memories and wasted the last 20+ years of my life. I’m scared for my future and my financial situation, which I thought was secure, and, although I have some amazing friends and family supporting me, I feel so alone.
The words he wrote and the images I’ve been forced to see will haunt me for the rest of my life.
@LostandTorn
I am a "remainer", but I completely respect your decision to leave and I would have done the same thing in your situation.
I am a "remainer", but I completely respect your decision to leave and I would have done the same thing in your situation.
Lost x
What a truly open post I can only imagine how hard this was for you to do x sending you huge hugs x
Only you can decide on your decision so never apologise to us for deciding to separate from your husband, it is heartbreaking to know his parents have been anything other than supportive to you and sending horrible emails
Nothing you have done has led him to his offending this was something he decided to keep and I can imagine how this has left you feeling heartbroken and having to sort everything out is only causing you more distress, I am so pleased you have some great support around you so make sure you look after yourself and reach out to your support as they will look after you xx
As for the future YOU absolutely will come through what has been a horrendous time for you, take a step at a time try not to overthink the next stages of what needs to be done, it will fall in to place
You are so incredibly strong even though it doesn't feel like it, this next step is finding you and it will happen,
I wish you from the bottom of my heart all the very best, never let anyone take away your sunshine no matter how difficult it is now the journey ahead is for just you xx love sent xx
What a truly open post I can only imagine how hard this was for you to do x sending you huge hugs x
Only you can decide on your decision so never apologise to us for deciding to separate from your husband, it is heartbreaking to know his parents have been anything other than supportive to you and sending horrible emails
Nothing you have done has led him to his offending this was something he decided to keep and I can imagine how this has left you feeling heartbroken and having to sort everything out is only causing you more distress, I am so pleased you have some great support around you so make sure you look after yourself and reach out to your support as they will look after you xx
As for the future YOU absolutely will come through what has been a horrendous time for you, take a step at a time try not to overthink the next stages of what needs to be done, it will fall in to place
You are so incredibly strong even though it doesn't feel like it, this next step is finding you and it will happen,
I wish you from the bottom of my heart all the very best, never let anyone take away your sunshine no matter how difficult it is now the journey ahead is for just you xx love sent xx
LostAndTorn,
thank you for posting this, that cannot have been easy for you.
Your decision is completely understandable and I also have to say that even though we are all here because we have a person in our lives who has done unspeakable things, there are still nuances and details that make every case a very individual one - and so the decision whether to stay or leave is also an individual one for you. I am also a 'remainder' but if my OH had transgressed so many times for so long and in so many ways... it is hard even to think about it and you are very strong for navigating this!
I am so sorry to hear that his parents are saying these things to you. The problem was not your actions but the actions of your husband... maybe they don't want to admit it because it hurts too much to think of their son like that so it's easier to blame you... but that's all just speculation
Try to focus on yourself and the steps that need to be taken to clean up this mess, divorce, and house sale, but also take care of yourself mentally. Try to take it slow and remember this process is not linear and straightforward, but there will be ups and downs, and that is fine and normal!
I wish you all the very best and all the strength in the world to get through this mess! Be assured that you could not have foreseen this; you trusted your husband and saw the best in him, which shows that you were a truly incredible partner.
thank you for posting this, that cannot have been easy for you.
Your decision is completely understandable and I also have to say that even though we are all here because we have a person in our lives who has done unspeakable things, there are still nuances and details that make every case a very individual one - and so the decision whether to stay or leave is also an individual one for you. I am also a 'remainder' but if my OH had transgressed so many times for so long and in so many ways... it is hard even to think about it and you are very strong for navigating this!
I am so sorry to hear that his parents are saying these things to you. The problem was not your actions but the actions of your husband... maybe they don't want to admit it because it hurts too much to think of their son like that so it's easier to blame you... but that's all just speculation
Try to focus on yourself and the steps that need to be taken to clean up this mess, divorce, and house sale, but also take care of yourself mentally. Try to take it slow and remember this process is not linear and straightforward, but there will be ups and downs, and that is fine and normal!
I wish you all the very best and all the strength in the world to get through this mess! Be assured that you could not have foreseen this; you trusted your husband and saw the best in him, which shows that you were a truly incredible partner.
Lost and torn I am also a remainder but only because the cyber report proved it was not searched for if he had ever searched I would have walked away, are you receiving any therapy at all as our minds are a lonely place for sure, please message me if I can help in any way at all even just someone to listen x
What a brave post. I am a leaver for very similar reasons and I remember so clearly the weight of the decision at the time. Feel free to direct message me. Please know that you have a bright and beautiful future ahead of you.
Absolutely no judgement here. I'm still in the waiting for forensics / no solid answers yet stage, but in your shoes I would never want to see or speak to him again. And his parents sound absolutely awful.
Thank you for your post. Though i am post sentencing and know most but no all my OH offences i still cannot make a decision to stay or leave. I wish there were more posts like yours. I understand if some one leaves and can only say bad things about their OH, but you have managed to give reasons with a thought process without doing this. This post has given me food for thought to try and work out what i want. There are things my OH has done that i cannot get over, but i also cannot see life without him either. I have been married for 32 years and his offending has happened since lockdown. I keep thinking it is over a short time, but i then think, that i know of. It is difficult to get anything from my OH so i may never know.
Thank you again and i am sorry you are being made as the bad person from his family.
Thank you again and i am sorry you are being made as the bad person from his family.
Lost, I totally respect your decision. Each individual has to make the decision that's right for them and that's what you've done.
You're brave and you're strong and you'll get through this by taking one step at a time.
You're brave and you're strong and you'll get through this by taking one step at a time.
Thank you all for such supportive comments, particularly from those who are 'remainers'- I know no-one here judges.
Upset Mum - I am totally heartbroken - and broken in general. Everything I thought I knew and trusted turned out to be a lie. I'm not strong, I'm simply surviving, as I have no alternative.
Silent Sea - I don't think his parents know the full extent of what he's done or for how long. In their email they mentioned his 'misdemeanors' as if it was all an accident that he found himself in this situation. I suppose they're looking for someone to blame and rather than blame their son entirely, it's easier to try and put some of that blame on me. But I know I am not to blame for one bit of it.
Inturmoil1974 - My husband definitely search for it all, he told me how easy it was to find what he was looking for. I've had talking therapies with MIND via my GP which definitely helped, particularly when she explained how I'm in morning for who and what I've lost, but I stopped going as we seemed to just go over the same things. It was left open so I can go back, though, which is good.
Still in Shock - it's good to know there are other 'leavers' here too. This community is a massive support network for all of us.
Sad&Scared - I don't ever want to see him again, he makes me feel sick. Unfortunately I'll have to as we've got the divorce and house to sort out. I wish you luck with finding out the answers you need.
Web89 - I've often wished there were more 'leavers' posts, as I would've found them helpful for my situation, but hopefully mine will help others which is part of the reason I wanted to share it. I've been married 17 years, so I get where you're coming from. I can't imagine my life without my husband but after what he's done I can't see a life with him either, so in the end he left me no choice. I hope you find your way through your situation and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself in the end.
Ocean - You're right, it's all very much one step at a time. Thank you xx
Upset Mum - I am totally heartbroken - and broken in general. Everything I thought I knew and trusted turned out to be a lie. I'm not strong, I'm simply surviving, as I have no alternative.
Silent Sea - I don't think his parents know the full extent of what he's done or for how long. In their email they mentioned his 'misdemeanors' as if it was all an accident that he found himself in this situation. I suppose they're looking for someone to blame and rather than blame their son entirely, it's easier to try and put some of that blame on me. But I know I am not to blame for one bit of it.
Inturmoil1974 - My husband definitely search for it all, he told me how easy it was to find what he was looking for. I've had talking therapies with MIND via my GP which definitely helped, particularly when she explained how I'm in morning for who and what I've lost, but I stopped going as we seemed to just go over the same things. It was left open so I can go back, though, which is good.
Still in Shock - it's good to know there are other 'leavers' here too. This community is a massive support network for all of us.
Sad&Scared - I don't ever want to see him again, he makes me feel sick. Unfortunately I'll have to as we've got the divorce and house to sort out. I wish you luck with finding out the answers you need.
Web89 - I've often wished there were more 'leavers' posts, as I would've found them helpful for my situation, but hopefully mine will help others which is part of the reason I wanted to share it. I've been married 17 years, so I get where you're coming from. I can't imagine my life without my husband but after what he's done I can't see a life with him either, so in the end he left me no choice. I hope you find your way through your situation and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself in the end.
Ocean - You're right, it's all very much one step at a time. Thank you xx
Hi I also left my ex partner of 13 year 2 Children together, I feel like we would of been together till we were old people if he hadn't of done what he has, I totally lost all respect, wanted to put my children first as feel I could no longer trust him which I feel trust is massive in a relationship. I felt like I didn't know this person anymore when I got the knock in my eyes it's like they told me he had died that day when I got to knock. I still care a lot about ex partner and all I can manage is friends with him for my kids sake also it's just so hard when I do see him that's he's physically there but not the same man I met all them years ago makes me feel so sad that he threw away a happy family life a good job, lots of friends etc I do feel he probably couldn't control what he was doing or why else risk it all. You will get there I feel like I'm starting to feel a bit better after 2 year since the knock about my future without him.
Hi Lost
I was in the same situation as you, I found a memory stick with IIOC on and reported my ex to the police, my conscience couldn't let me do anything else. There were thousands of images and he had even take photos of naked sunbathers when we on holiday abroad with our then young child, I can't believe he took a risk like that abroad. There were also Cat A videos as well he lied to the police twice and the judge thought that there was something else that he was hiding. I too couldn't trust him after that I found out about all the details when I went to the courts and listened to the evidence.
I know how you feel, I too mourned the life that I thought I would have and never dreamed that this would happen. I also went through a divorce and have bought a house, it was a horrendous stressful situation but I came through it and so will you. I had a solicitor who fought for the best result (it wasn't cheap but it helped.
Take one day at a time, talk to friends, family, the helpline whenever it gets to much and you need a good cry. If you are feeling lonely try and go for walks with friends, cinema, meals out anything to try and distract your mind. My GP recommended CBT when selling the house triggered me again.
I still have wobbly moments but they are getting less and less as I do more things on my own I am getting stronger you have done the right thing, never compromise you happiness for someone else's. My ex also mentioned the better or worse bit but do not feel guilty for doing the right thing. There is no point in staying in a bad relationship and I would rather be on my own than be in an unhappy marriage, life is short so we need to be as happy as we can.
These men are adults and they knew what they were doing was wrong for whatever the reason was (I exclude sons from this as you can't easily divorce them). Whatever the reason they give it is not our fault.
Be strong you can do this.
Bereft x
I was in the same situation as you, I found a memory stick with IIOC on and reported my ex to the police, my conscience couldn't let me do anything else. There were thousands of images and he had even take photos of naked sunbathers when we on holiday abroad with our then young child, I can't believe he took a risk like that abroad. There were also Cat A videos as well he lied to the police twice and the judge thought that there was something else that he was hiding. I too couldn't trust him after that I found out about all the details when I went to the courts and listened to the evidence.
I know how you feel, I too mourned the life that I thought I would have and never dreamed that this would happen. I also went through a divorce and have bought a house, it was a horrendous stressful situation but I came through it and so will you. I had a solicitor who fought for the best result (it wasn't cheap but it helped.
Take one day at a time, talk to friends, family, the helpline whenever it gets to much and you need a good cry. If you are feeling lonely try and go for walks with friends, cinema, meals out anything to try and distract your mind. My GP recommended CBT when selling the house triggered me again.
I still have wobbly moments but they are getting less and less as I do more things on my own I am getting stronger you have done the right thing, never compromise you happiness for someone else's. My ex also mentioned the better or worse bit but do not feel guilty for doing the right thing. There is no point in staying in a bad relationship and I would rather be on my own than be in an unhappy marriage, life is short so we need to be as happy as we can.
These men are adults and they knew what they were doing was wrong for whatever the reason was (I exclude sons from this as you can't easily divorce them). Whatever the reason they give it is not our fault.
Be strong you can do this.
Bereft x
LostAndTorn
You are so strong and brave to post your experiences. This is the one place where you can be 100% honest, isn't it?
I am a leaver too, though only 11 weeks into this nightmare and I don't yet know the full facts of what he has done. I imagine it is not on the scale you have been through.
At first I was so shocked and angry that my automatic reaction was to kick him out. I have not changed my mind, but it is hard finding yourself alone after all those years, and I wonder what I could have done so wrong to deserve this.
I have seen more stories from remainers, which naturally begs the question why I didn't choose to support him? I think we all have to just be true to ourselves and do what feels right. Thankfully we had no kids together, which would have made the decision harder I guess.
Bless you all, keep your heads held high and love the strong women we are
You are so strong and brave to post your experiences. This is the one place where you can be 100% honest, isn't it?
I am a leaver too, though only 11 weeks into this nightmare and I don't yet know the full facts of what he has done. I imagine it is not on the scale you have been through.
At first I was so shocked and angry that my automatic reaction was to kick him out. I have not changed my mind, but it is hard finding yourself alone after all those years, and I wonder what I could have done so wrong to deserve this.
I have seen more stories from remainers, which naturally begs the question why I didn't choose to support him? I think we all have to just be true to ourselves and do what feels right. Thankfully we had no kids together, which would have made the decision harder I guess.
Bless you all, keep your heads held high and love the strong women we are
I am also a leaver. My ex had illegal images on his phone and that was enough for me to end the relationship. What you've dealt with is horrendous and I feel so much for you. I also had to navigate house sale and purchase and he ruined all my hopes of a financially secure retirement.
I'd end contact with his family, they are very wrong to treat you in this way.
I'd love to message you and help you but unfortunately I can't privately message atm
I'd end contact with his family, they are very wrong to treat you in this way.
I'd love to message you and help you but unfortunately I can't privately message atm
I'm a leaver.
Took me quite some time to come to that decision.
But the trust had gone and I'm not sure I believe the whole download thing.
I'm not sure of my future - it's certainly not going to be an easy road. And I agree about grieving for a life we thought we were going to have. That because of someone else's thoughtless actions we have had that ripped away from us.
You sound as though you have really been through the mill.
We will come through the other side. Battered and bruised but hopefully stronger
Took me quite some time to come to that decision.
But the trust had gone and I'm not sure I believe the whole download thing.
I'm not sure of my future - it's certainly not going to be an easy road. And I agree about grieving for a life we thought we were going to have. That because of someone else's thoughtless actions we have had that ripped away from us.
You sound as though you have really been through the mill.
We will come through the other side. Battered and bruised but hopefully stronger
I'm a leaver also. His offences turned out to include offences against my own children also.
he got 4 years in total he will do half.
we have a teenager between us who he didn't offend against so despite prison and restraining orders placed till further order I will still have to deal with him.
I have a weird at arms length relationship with his parents for the sake of our child. I do wish I didn't have to maintain any links to him. But I'm trying to put out child first they have asc and don't fully grasp what has happened.
I wish I could move on cleanly. I wait in anxiety for his release and the next steps towards his access to our child. Two year is how long it took from arrest to conviction everyone said it would be a relief once it was over.
i can't say I've found much relief.
mom only thankful it was kept out of the papers for my kids sakes.
he got 4 years in total he will do half.
we have a teenager between us who he didn't offend against so despite prison and restraining orders placed till further order I will still have to deal with him.
I have a weird at arms length relationship with his parents for the sake of our child. I do wish I didn't have to maintain any links to him. But I'm trying to put out child first they have asc and don't fully grasp what has happened.
I wish I could move on cleanly. I wait in anxiety for his release and the next steps towards his access to our child. Two year is how long it took from arrest to conviction everyone said it would be a relief once it was over.
i can't say I've found much relief.
mom only thankful it was kept out of the papers for my kids sakes.
You are very brave for showing your vulnerability! It is very hurtful for the sorrounding family involved. I hope I can just rip it off like a bandaid but it's not. The hurt is so bad I feel like my heart is ready to explode. I hope and pray that your road to healing will be in the horizon. Take care of yourself!
Hi,
I think this is such an important post. It highlights the fact that regardless of whether we leave or stay or anywhere in between we all face challenges.
I'm so sorry that you are going through the added challenge of dealing with his and his parents anger and judgement. I agree that you should cut contact with them all if possible. His parents may be experiencing denial and grief but this in no way justifies their behaviour towards you.
I hope that your house sale and divorce go smoothly and wish you every success and happiness for the future xxx
I think this is such an important post. It highlights the fact that regardless of whether we leave or stay or anywhere in between we all face challenges.
I'm so sorry that you are going through the added challenge of dealing with his and his parents anger and judgement. I agree that you should cut contact with them all if possible. His parents may be experiencing denial and grief but this in no way justifies their behaviour towards you.
I hope that your house sale and divorce go smoothly and wish you every success and happiness for the future xxx
I am in process of leaving my husband and so I completely understand what you're going through. It's one of the hardest decisions I have to make because he is making me feel like I'm the one breaking up the family because I won't take him back. His parents are also trying to make me take him back and can't understand why I want to divorce him. They are using the mental health / addiction card against me, stating that I should support him. He keeps saying he feels that I'm not supporting him. His parent will also blame me if he hurts himself. I can't stay in a marriage where I cannot trust him, I realised that even after 15 year together I don't know him at all and he has lied to me for that whole time. It is a really hard descision and I know I will end up feeling like the one in the wrong but I have to put my kids first.
Thanks for the further comments, it's a relief to be able to discuss this with people who really understand what I'm going through.
Ginluver - I'm glad you're starting to feel like you're getting there after two years. I know I have a long haul ahead of me, even after we're divorced and the house sold. I still care about what we had, which is why it hurts so much, but I have nothing but loathing for him now, he literally makes me feel sick.
Bereft - I'm the same with having a conscience, I would never have forgiven myself if I'd withheld evidence. I haven't decided whether I'll go to court to hear it all, but that's quite some way off yet. I agree with you that they are adults and they were fully aware of what they were doing. Mine was a very well respected person, supposedly with high morals, but it was all an illusion. I'd be interested to know more about your divorce and how you got the best result - please feel free to message me if you're okay talking about it.
JustMeAndTheCat - It is REALLY hard finding yourself alone after so many years, particularly as it all came without warning. We absolutely have to be true to ourselves and only we as individuals can make the decision to remain or leave.
LostEverything - I never want to speak to his parents again. If you feel like sharing how you got through your divorce and house sale/purchase, please do message me when you can.
AnxiousGirl - You're spot on in everything you've said. I hope we can all come through and out the other side, albeit battered and bruised.
DevastatedMum - I'm so very sorry his offences included your children, that's heartbreaking and impossible to come back from. I've heard they generally do half the sentence they're given, it's quite shocking.
NorthernFlicker - I completely understand about your heart being ready to explode, I've felt the same since October.
DistressedAndPregnant - I think his parents were hitting out trying to place some of the blame elsewhere. It was incredibly hurtful. But then I suppose they still want to believe the lies he's telling them, even though he's lied to them his whole life.
LDELost - It is an incredibly hard decision and I'm glad I took my time in making it. My husband's parents have also used the mental health card, but he had no history of mental health prior to his arrest, it's all deteriorated since then, which is why I believe he's not sorry for what he's done, he's only sorry he got caught and now has to face the consequences.
Ginluver - I'm glad you're starting to feel like you're getting there after two years. I know I have a long haul ahead of me, even after we're divorced and the house sold. I still care about what we had, which is why it hurts so much, but I have nothing but loathing for him now, he literally makes me feel sick.
Bereft - I'm the same with having a conscience, I would never have forgiven myself if I'd withheld evidence. I haven't decided whether I'll go to court to hear it all, but that's quite some way off yet. I agree with you that they are adults and they were fully aware of what they were doing. Mine was a very well respected person, supposedly with high morals, but it was all an illusion. I'd be interested to know more about your divorce and how you got the best result - please feel free to message me if you're okay talking about it.
JustMeAndTheCat - It is REALLY hard finding yourself alone after so many years, particularly as it all came without warning. We absolutely have to be true to ourselves and only we as individuals can make the decision to remain or leave.
LostEverything - I never want to speak to his parents again. If you feel like sharing how you got through your divorce and house sale/purchase, please do message me when you can.
AnxiousGirl - You're spot on in everything you've said. I hope we can all come through and out the other side, albeit battered and bruised.
DevastatedMum - I'm so very sorry his offences included your children, that's heartbreaking and impossible to come back from. I've heard they generally do half the sentence they're given, it's quite shocking.
NorthernFlicker - I completely understand about your heart being ready to explode, I've felt the same since October.
DistressedAndPregnant - I think his parents were hitting out trying to place some of the blame elsewhere. It was incredibly hurtful. But then I suppose they still want to believe the lies he's telling them, even though he's lied to them his whole life.
LDELost - It is an incredibly hard decision and I'm glad I took my time in making it. My husband's parents have also used the mental health card, but he had no history of mental health prior to his arrest, it's all deteriorated since then, which is why I believe he's not sorry for what he's done, he's only sorry he got caught and now has to face the consequences.
I am a leaver who originally stayed & supported my OH till he broke his SHPO & I had to call the police myself. There is lots more but I find it too traumatic to go into.
I just want to say how incredibly brave you are.
It takes a huge amount of strength to take the right option of calling the police.
Please don't listen to his parents. He obviously is well versed on how to deceive people & influence those people around him & the truth will come out.
My in laws have distanced themselves from me too and I and my little girl are currently in the process of losing our home.
I'm glad you felt you were able to reach out on this forum.
Please know that this forum is a lovely place and I have had support when I stayed & when I chose to leave my OH.
Please know you're not alone in this.
X
I just want to say how incredibly brave you are.
It takes a huge amount of strength to take the right option of calling the police.
Please don't listen to his parents. He obviously is well versed on how to deceive people & influence those people around him & the truth will come out.
My in laws have distanced themselves from me too and I and my little girl are currently in the process of losing our home.
I'm glad you felt you were able to reach out on this forum.
Please know that this forum is a lovely place and I have had support when I stayed & when I chose to leave my OH.
Please know you're not alone in this.
X
Hi,
I wouldn't describe myself as supporting my ex as such. I was manipulated by him and the Police to allow his to sleep on my living room floor following his release from prison. Since then he's reoffended and I've made him move out. I still talk to him but it's more for my poor 19 year old sons sake who is Autistic.
I think you've done the right thing. I've often wondered if there are degrees of offending. I am NOT judging what any one of us has chosen to do. I'm just thinking out loud. My ex offended online. The Police were confident about that. That was bad enough. My ex was very well known in the local area because he'd worked in all the local schools. When his case was plastered across social media and press etc, the Police fully expected some to come forward to say they had been abused in person by him. No one did, thank goodness. The fallout, as you can imagine was horrific.
When my ex was homeless having been driven from his shared home of criminals because they found out what he was , his Father wouldn't put him up in his 4 bed owned property. Last time I was threatened with eviction. The Police put pressure on me to have him here. I really, really regret that. Anyway, a month ago I made him leave and his Father took him in! I haven't spoken to him in years but I'm so angry that they let me put myself and my son at risk by having his son here when he could've lived there all along! I'm waffling. My point, I guess is I wish I'd walked away right at the start of all this. These people have caused so much damage to us and continue to do so. My ex didn't progress to in person offending, I believe, because he hasn't got the guts. He's happy to hide behind his keyboard .Much love to you. X
I wouldn't describe myself as supporting my ex as such. I was manipulated by him and the Police to allow his to sleep on my living room floor following his release from prison. Since then he's reoffended and I've made him move out. I still talk to him but it's more for my poor 19 year old sons sake who is Autistic.
I think you've done the right thing. I've often wondered if there are degrees of offending. I am NOT judging what any one of us has chosen to do. I'm just thinking out loud. My ex offended online. The Police were confident about that. That was bad enough. My ex was very well known in the local area because he'd worked in all the local schools. When his case was plastered across social media and press etc, the Police fully expected some to come forward to say they had been abused in person by him. No one did, thank goodness. The fallout, as you can imagine was horrific.
When my ex was homeless having been driven from his shared home of criminals because they found out what he was , his Father wouldn't put him up in his 4 bed owned property. Last time I was threatened with eviction. The Police put pressure on me to have him here. I really, really regret that. Anyway, a month ago I made him leave and his Father took him in! I haven't spoken to him in years but I'm so angry that they let me put myself and my son at risk by having his son here when he could've lived there all along! I'm waffling. My point, I guess is I wish I'd walked away right at the start of all this. These people have caused so much damage to us and continue to do so. My ex didn't progress to in person offending, I believe, because he hasn't got the guts. He's happy to hide behind his keyboard .Much love to you. X
Bluebell77 - Thank you for such kind comments. I don't think I'm any braver than anyone else here - just getting through each day takes enormous strength from us all You're right about him deceiving everyone, he's clearly done it all his life and obviously continues to do so. I'm so sorry you and your little one are losing your home, that must make the whole situation even more difficult.
LittleRobin3 - It sounds like you've been through so much. My ex is a well-known artist in our area, so I think it will come as a shock to a lot of people if/when it gets out what he's done. I want to be long gone out of his life by that time. Sending you love and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, as that's all any of us can really hope for in this nightmare situation we've been forced into.
LittleRobin3 - It sounds like you've been through so much. My ex is a well-known artist in our area, so I think it will come as a shock to a lot of people if/when it gets out what he's done. I want to be long gone out of his life by that time. Sending you love and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, as that's all any of us can really hope for in this nightmare situation we've been forced into.
LostAndTorn, I'm a leaver, but it took a year and a half to find the strength to do it, and as you might read in my recent post, he's turned out to be a dangerous predator.
These men are well practiced in coercive control and emotional manipulation. The day he left it felt like he unlocked my prison door and walked away. I honestly felt like he had held me captive since The Knock.
I am just starting a new path with the police to try to have him done for distributing naked photos of me without my knowledge or consent. I think for many of us, we don't know the full, horrific story of these men we shared our lives, bodies, hearts and souls with.
Pl3ase feel free to PM me if you want to chat with another leaver.
These men are well practiced in coercive control and emotional manipulation. The day he left it felt like he unlocked my prison door and walked away. I honestly felt like he had held me captive since The Knock.
I am just starting a new path with the police to try to have him done for distributing naked photos of me without my knowledge or consent. I think for many of us, we don't know the full, horrific story of these men we shared our lives, bodies, hearts and souls with.
Pl3ase feel free to PM me if you want to chat with another leaver.
JulieM - thank you for your reply. It's only now dawning on me that my husband used coercive control and emotional manipulation on me - I genuinely thought we were happy, but the more I realise what he was doing, the more it makes sense how he acted around me. And you're right that we'll likely never know the full horrors of what they've done.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in that situation with the photos but I'm so glad you found the strength to leave when you did.
Always happy to chat x
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in that situation with the photos but I'm so glad you found the strength to leave when you did.
Always happy to chat x