How to tell your kids there dad has gone to prison
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Hi everyone, finding myself in shock today as we thought it would be a suspended sentence as it was online offending but he has received a prison sentence. How do I begin to inform my children. Feel physically sick with anxiety. Has anyone else found themselves in this position? Unsure if I can manage my mortgage on own now so could be homeless soon also. Just absolutely devastated!
Oh Ginluver I'm so sorry to read this, what a terrible shock for you all. I'm sure there are charities around that will be able to help you work out what to tell the children so hopefully someone with more knowledge than me will be able to give you more advice. For now I'd say you don't need to tell them anything until you know what the best way to do this is.
Have you got someone to support you through the next few days as you start to process what has been an awful shock for you?
I just want to wrap you into a great big hug and I'm sending you love and strength.
Have you got someone to support you through the next few days as you start to process what has been an awful shock for you?
I just want to wrap you into a great big hug and I'm sending you love and strength.
Can I be added to the list of hugs given x bless you x
We were told my son faced a prison sentence but even so the reality of it actually happening hit hard and was still a shock.
Just wanted to reach out to you Ginluver x
We were told my son faced a prison sentence but even so the reality of it actually happening hit hard and was still a shock.
Just wanted to reach out to you Ginluver x
Thanks everyone, Thought I'd find some relief that the sentencing is done finally after 2 years nearly off getting the knock, but just feel complete despair now and worried about the affect it will have on the children being told they will be heartbroken.
I just wanted to send you the most enormous hug xx I'm so so sorry this is happening to you x
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. The charity Children Heard and Seen may be worth contacting.
This link may be of help to you as it has some useful information on how to tell children.
https://childrenheardandseen.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Leaflet-FAQs-How-To-Tell-Children.pdf
Thinking of you and your family x
This link may be of help to you as it has some useful information on how to tell children.
https://childrenheardandseen.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Leaflet-FAQs-How-To-Tell-Children.pdf
Thinking of you and your family x
Just want to send you a massive hug I am so so sorry this has happened to you xx
So sorry you have to tell the kids the bad news. Can I ask what charges he had? Was it pics or communication? I'm dreading next week sentencing for my person.
Thanks everyone I will get through it. Will seek someone advice as to how to tell the children. He had charges of communication and viewing and distribution, been told it just depends on the judge on the day to what they get but it was his first offence also so we thought it would be suspended so it's a massive shock it isn't.
Hi Ginluver,
Just wanted to give hugs, I was exactly where you are now not so long ago.
It's difficult to tell children, I didn't tell my youngest (and still doesn't have a clue) because little one was far to young. However I did tell my eldest and I also got in touch with Children Heard and Seen, they have helped support my eldest (again couldn't tell the youngest). They are currently supporting my big one through 1:1 sessions and the big one also takes part in groups which are fun. they will support my kids up until 18.
They do offer groups to you as well, I however don't participate in those now I guess I was too open about my situation (it made people uncomfortable [triggered]), but if you feel comfortable enough it might be worth giving it ago.
you can always private message me at any point and I'll give you my number if you want to chat, look for advice, vent etc.
Ill also say you got this, you're amazing and you'll get through it all. Xxx
Just wanted to give hugs, I was exactly where you are now not so long ago.
It's difficult to tell children, I didn't tell my youngest (and still doesn't have a clue) because little one was far to young. However I did tell my eldest and I also got in touch with Children Heard and Seen, they have helped support my eldest (again couldn't tell the youngest). They are currently supporting my big one through 1:1 sessions and the big one also takes part in groups which are fun. they will support my kids up until 18.
They do offer groups to you as well, I however don't participate in those now I guess I was too open about my situation (it made people uncomfortable [triggered]), but if you feel comfortable enough it might be worth giving it ago.
you can always private message me at any point and I'll give you my number if you want to chat, look for advice, vent etc.
Ill also say you got this, you're amazing and you'll get through it all. Xxx
Ginluver, I am so sorry.
I guess there's always a possibility of it ending up in a custodial, it always depends on the judge if they want to make an example out of the person.
The judges unfortunately don't take the offender's children into consideration, which makes me feel quite bitter.
I wish you all the strength going forward xx Take your time to process everything that's happened
I guess there's always a possibility of it ending up in a custodial, it always depends on the judge if they want to make an example out of the person.
The judges unfortunately don't take the offender's children into consideration, which makes me feel quite bitter.
I wish you all the strength going forward xx Take your time to process everything that's happened
Thanks so much for everyone's reply's it helps a lot to know people understand and know what I'm going through and don't judge as friends just seem to be full of questions that I hadn't even thought about just yet so feel like I can't really talk to them as it's just too overwhelming when I've let various friends and family members know. Hopefully I will be feeling much better soon, more worried about the kids reaction to it all then anything else. X
Hi, another message of support and solidarity! Of course what my person did was appalling, and I totally agree he needed to feel the consequences through a punishment reflective of his offence. However, there seems no rhyme or reason to sentencing, and our legal team did a pretty poor job at sentencing. I later found out that the judge is supposed to consider the detriment to those 'left behind' - not even a consideration in our case. My person was sentenced to three years in prison. Neither I not my children have done anything wrong, but I firmly believe that the sentence has been far worse punishment for us than for the perpetrator - practical, logistical, emotional, social, professional and financial. However, we are now weeks away from his release. He won't be moving back home (for a number of reasons) but I have high expectations that he will resume as much responsibility as possible. There's a way to go, but we're all here and there is a future ahead.
As for telling the children - the cruelty of this inflicted on them will haunt me for ever. We chose to be truthful, but with a limited version of the truth. Before he went for sentencing, their dad sat down with them and explained that he had done some very wrong things (NOT the full details) and that he was ready to face his punishment, to learn and to come out the other side a better person. We did prepare them for the possibility of prison.
There are no perfect answers, but here are some suggestions based on things we did:
- Explain that dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He made some bad decisions which meant he did illegal things.
- Explained that his offence doesn't mean he's a bad person. He did some bad things and never intended to upset or harm you (the children). Explain that he's very very sorry.
- As he's done something illegal, the police and others need to make sure that everyone is safe. He's going away for a while to a kind of prison. It's not a like a prison on the telly (even though it may well be, the children don't need to have that mental image!). He's gone to a place like a big school where he will learn to understand what he did wrong and to make sure he never does it again.
- Explain that he will be back. He's not gone forever. There are lots of fun times ahead with dad, but until then, we will enjoy doing things together and we can tell him all about them later.
- Answer their questions honestly, but without giving them a level of detail that will distress them. For example, dad was looking at private pictures of children, and that is not allowed.
- The school will need to know and should treat your situation with total discretion. They will be able to offer the children (and possibly you!) support and counselling. I didn't want my kids to have counselling as I wanted them to carry on with life as normally as possible. I felt their dad's appalling behaviour is quite enough to cope with without having to dig around the sitation and have to talk about it with strangers. They are doing just fine.
In my experience, it took eight months to get permission for any kind of contact between kids and their dad (that includes letters, phone calls, vid calls). I haven't taken them to see him in person - I don't think any child needs that experience or mental image.
A very very hard thing for me was coaching my children to lie to protect themselves. They know they can't tell anyone their dad is in prison, but they do know they can say that mum and dad are having some problems and dad is staying somewhere else for a while. That seems enough to fend off any deeper questions.
I really do wish you all the best for you and your family. This is a cruel, traumatic and nightmarish experience, but there are positives to look forward to.
As well as LFF I can recommend the following sources of support:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
As for telling the children - the cruelty of this inflicted on them will haunt me for ever. We chose to be truthful, but with a limited version of the truth. Before he went for sentencing, their dad sat down with them and explained that he had done some very wrong things (NOT the full details) and that he was ready to face his punishment, to learn and to come out the other side a better person. We did prepare them for the possibility of prison.
There are no perfect answers, but here are some suggestions based on things we did:
- Explain that dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He made some bad decisions which meant he did illegal things.
- Explained that his offence doesn't mean he's a bad person. He did some bad things and never intended to upset or harm you (the children). Explain that he's very very sorry.
- As he's done something illegal, the police and others need to make sure that everyone is safe. He's going away for a while to a kind of prison. It's not a like a prison on the telly (even though it may well be, the children don't need to have that mental image!). He's gone to a place like a big school where he will learn to understand what he did wrong and to make sure he never does it again.
- Explain that he will be back. He's not gone forever. There are lots of fun times ahead with dad, but until then, we will enjoy doing things together and we can tell him all about them later.
- Answer their questions honestly, but without giving them a level of detail that will distress them. For example, dad was looking at private pictures of children, and that is not allowed.
- The school will need to know and should treat your situation with total discretion. They will be able to offer the children (and possibly you!) support and counselling. I didn't want my kids to have counselling as I wanted them to carry on with life as normally as possible. I felt their dad's appalling behaviour is quite enough to cope with without having to dig around the sitation and have to talk about it with strangers. They are doing just fine.
In my experience, it took eight months to get permission for any kind of contact between kids and their dad (that includes letters, phone calls, vid calls). I haven't taken them to see him in person - I don't think any child needs that experience or mental image.
A very very hard thing for me was coaching my children to lie to protect themselves. They know they can't tell anyone their dad is in prison, but they do know they can say that mum and dad are having some problems and dad is staying somewhere else for a while. That seems enough to fend off any deeper questions.
I really do wish you all the best for you and your family. This is a cruel, traumatic and nightmarish experience, but there are positives to look forward to.
As well as LFF I can recommend the following sources of support:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
Thanks for sharing your experience In tatters that is really useful to know. Don't think i can face the chidren going to visit in prison so hopefully phone calls can be made sooner than waiting 8 months for. It's very unfair as I feel it's more punishment for me really and for 2 year they haven't worried about him harming a child he's been able to go about his business pretty much apart from having to be supervised around our children. I now have to provide for my children on my own and now navigate how my children will cope with it all don't see how the prison sentence will help in any way really.
I'm so sorry this is your outcome. I can completely empathise with the shock experienced by an unexpected custodial sentence as this was our experience too. Sending strength to you & your children x
I think this post continues to push the forum towards another theme - Life After Sentence which has been suggested in the past.
i know there are other forums/charities but like myself the LFF forum has supported me through the different stages of my journey and would like to think it'll be there for me in the future when my son is released.
Even if it solely supports the emotional side then gives out information or pointers to different organisations people could use for advice on the practical side.
Personally I wouldn't feel safe discussing my journey on a another 'general' type forum, people would probably feel empathy with a loved one in prison but prejudices could easily appear. The LFF is quite a unique forum in my eyes.
i think this would be a fantastic expansion.......
i know there are other forums/charities but like myself the LFF forum has supported me through the different stages of my journey and would like to think it'll be there for me in the future when my son is released.
Even if it solely supports the emotional side then gives out information or pointers to different organisations people could use for advice on the practical side.
Personally I wouldn't feel safe discussing my journey on a another 'general' type forum, people would probably feel empathy with a loved one in prison but prejudices could easily appear. The LFF is quite a unique forum in my eyes.
i think this would be a fantastic expansion.......
Hi Ginluver, you've been in my thoughts so I'm just checking in to see how you're doing this morning. I know you'll still be processing the information as it was such a shock but I wanted to make sure you have support around you.
Gin x
I am like everyone else so sorry for your OH outcome and you having to navigate to find help and support xx
These wonderful ladies have given some great advice and support agencies so definitely reach out to them x
Sending hugs xx
I am like everyone else so sorry for your OH outcome and you having to navigate to find help and support xx
These wonderful ladies have given some great advice and support agencies so definitely reach out to them x
Sending hugs xx
Sorry I can't give advice but sending a big hug xxx
I am sending you big hugs. You will be in extreme shock. This happened to me. OH had cancer and didn't tell them. His crime was internet based. Everyone told him he wouldn't go to prison. The judge sent him to prison.
it will take you sometime to overcome the shock. I would tell the children in a simple way that you will ALL be okay and that dad will be looked after. He will be looked after. Have you got someone to help you? Make your wellbeing a priority. You can decide later if you will let the children visit prison. My heart goes out to you. You won't end up homeless. There is help and support out there. When you can see your GP and they can help
you are not alone -although it feels like it. Sending love and prayers
TGTKOG
it will take you sometime to overcome the shock. I would tell the children in a simple way that you will ALL be okay and that dad will be looked after. He will be looked after. Have you got someone to help you? Make your wellbeing a priority. You can decide later if you will let the children visit prison. My heart goes out to you. You won't end up homeless. There is help and support out there. When you can see your GP and they can help
you are not alone -although it feels like it. Sending love and prayers
TGTKOG
We were in the same position only our children were a lot older. Was told he wouldn't go to prison - but he did.
Hardest thing for me was telling his mother. I will never forget it.
I'm hoping you are getting some support
Thinking of you.
Hardest thing for me was telling his mother. I will never forget it.
I'm hoping you are getting some support
Thinking of you.
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