Don’t know what to do
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My husband lives separate from us at the moment. All visits are supervised. He has attended the course and I know the reasons why he downloaded images. He is seeking help and support. My family and friends want me to walk away from the relationship but I love him and we have been together a long time. We are still currently waiting for this to go to court and am worried about what will happen.
Don't know what to do regarding our marriage and relationship. I would like to support him but I'm worried about the impact this will have on my relationship with my family and the impact upon my own children. Also concerned regarding our safety.
Don't know what to do regarding our marriage and relationship. I would like to support him but I'm worried about the impact this will have on my relationship with my family and the impact upon my own children. Also concerned regarding our safety.
Just a quick reply so this gets moved back up the forum. Your questions and reflections are all things many of us have grappled with (not myself personally as I'm a mum and not a partner) but a recurring theme on here is that nobody can tell you what you need to do but you absolutely don't need to do anything in a hurry regarding your future with your OH. Yes, this can create huge problems sometimes as friends and families can have their own strong opinions, probably out of concern for your safety, but it is still your decision and only yours.
Also, your OH is not defined totally by his offences. Of course it's a huge and shocking part of him that you have had to discover but it doesn't overshadow all the good things about him.
I expect you know all this already but hopefully some people will reply with more specific thoughts from their personal experiences.
Take care x
Also, your OH is not defined totally by his offences. Of course it's a huge and shocking part of him that you have had to discover but it doesn't overshadow all the good things about him.
I expect you know all this already but hopefully some people will reply with more specific thoughts from their personal experiences.
Take care x
It doesn't sound like you have to make a decision now. And I don't think divorce necessarily precludes being a supportive presence longterm. I know I'm waiting till the whole process (including court, if it comes to that) is over to finally make legally binding decisions regarding OH (we've also separated), although its hard to see a way forward. IF the forensics - the police forensics and the independent forensics he's going to get - back him up and prove he hasn't intentionally sought IIOC, there just might be. But for me intentionally seeking IIOC does mean divorce. And he's already lied to me in covering up a porn and sex addiction, so trust is pretty low.
I know this sounds harsh, but at this point I'm preparing myself for the worst (that he's lying and may have a significant number of images + media attention). So I've told absolutely everyone we've separated, have told the kids that he won't be living with us again etc and am doing everything I practically can to prepare for living as a single parent going forward. To be fair, he accepts that he's 'earned' all this and that I'm doing what I need to to protect the kids.
I do want to be supportive, even in the event of a divorce, but I've made it clear I won't tolerate lies and that he needs to work on himself. To be fair, he started seeing a counsellor and going to SAA meetings pretty much straight away and has kept that up. He's accepted monitoring apps on his devices and financial accountability and I have full disclosure with his solicitor, which he's specified in writing means I see everything he sees and can sit in on all meetings. The next test will be when forensics comes back.
There's also legal separation if you want to explore that. Its easily reserved if you ever want to
I know this sounds harsh, but at this point I'm preparing myself for the worst (that he's lying and may have a significant number of images + media attention). So I've told absolutely everyone we've separated, have told the kids that he won't be living with us again etc and am doing everything I practically can to prepare for living as a single parent going forward. To be fair, he accepts that he's 'earned' all this and that I'm doing what I need to to protect the kids.
I do want to be supportive, even in the event of a divorce, but I've made it clear I won't tolerate lies and that he needs to work on himself. To be fair, he started seeing a counsellor and going to SAA meetings pretty much straight away and has kept that up. He's accepted monitoring apps on his devices and financial accountability and I have full disclosure with his solicitor, which he's specified in writing means I see everything he sees and can sit in on all meetings. The next test will be when forensics comes back.
There's also legal separation if you want to explore that. Its easily reserved if you ever want to