Allowing brother contact with my son
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Hi,
I have read a few of the posts on here and as everyone seems so supportive and no one in my life can really understand I thought I would see if anyone is in a similar situation to me, or has siblings/adult children in the same boat. I just want to hear what other people have done and why when deciding if someone convicted of possessing cp can have contact with their children.
So here goes...
My brother (27 at the time) who lived with my parents (and still does) was arrested four years ago for possessing cp. He had about 20 images but from what I can understand he had been doing it for some time and the only reason the number is so low is that it was a new computer. My mother initially tried to hide the reason for his arrest from me but well, I'm not stupid....
He was given a suspended sentence and as a family we decided to support him. While I did ask a few questions, and I know my mum did privately too, we have never had an opportunity to all sit down together and discuss what he has done and how we all feel about it. We have only ever discussed what is going to happen to him. I think we have all been worried that given his depression, if he went to prison he may hurt himself, or someone else would. Well, he went to prison last year for breaching his suspended sentence. He was found guilty of deleting his internet history - although no other evidence of searches/images. I do believe him that this was a mistake on his part and that he had not reoffended. After his initial arrest he attended the Lucy Faithful foundation course etc.
When he went to prison we were again all so worried about him being hurt the focus was again all on just getting through it and getting him home. My mum as you can imagine has been in bits about this for years now. She is still struggling and I think in denial.
While I can support him through this things have now been complicated with the arrival last year of my son (now 1). When he was born my brother was in prison and there was a lot of pressure from my mum for me and my partner to be ok with him seeing my son and being an uncle when he got home (totally supervised of course). My partner felt he had to go along with this as he hadn't known my parents long. We also both underestimated how we would feel about things when our child was actually here and seeing my brother interact with him.
While I love my brother and still know there are many good sides to him, I cannot get over (or my head around) what he was done, and I have so many questions for him. My mother is sure it was a pornography addiction however I am as yet unconvinved given a few questionable details. Having my son has also changed my feelings on things.
We decided to stop contact between my brother and my son (it was always supervised and only on about 5 occassions prior) in January untill we can discuss things all together and ask the questions we need answers to. I am so angry at my brother and also my mum. She has made the whole thing about how she feels, how he feels, and trying to protect him. I get that, she's his mum, but she's my mum too and I feel she has forgotten that. And part of me wants my parents to hear some of the questions and answers of my brother because I think they are in denial and that is why they are so angry at me that we are questioning his contact with our son. They do not see him as a risk. I do not think they have really contemplated what he has done as it is too difficult for them so they have avoided knowing details etc. Even if I don't think he is an real risk I am so worried about how our son will feel when he is older and finds out what his uncle did and that we allowed him contact?!!! And I will not lie to him and never tell him as I have learnt what lies do to families.
Please help, I do not know what to do and keep switching between "limited contact in public places, explaining that we don't fully trust uncle and that mummy or daddy alwasys has to be there or its not safe" to "no contact and having to explain why"
My mum is so focussed on not having her family ripped apart I feel she isn't thinking about what is best for my son, only what can continue her denial at the situation, and the impact of us not trusting my brother on my brother.
I'm sorry this is so long and if anyone has reached the end and is able to help I would be so grateful! xx
I have read a few of the posts on here and as everyone seems so supportive and no one in my life can really understand I thought I would see if anyone is in a similar situation to me, or has siblings/adult children in the same boat. I just want to hear what other people have done and why when deciding if someone convicted of possessing cp can have contact with their children.
So here goes...
My brother (27 at the time) who lived with my parents (and still does) was arrested four years ago for possessing cp. He had about 20 images but from what I can understand he had been doing it for some time and the only reason the number is so low is that it was a new computer. My mother initially tried to hide the reason for his arrest from me but well, I'm not stupid....
He was given a suspended sentence and as a family we decided to support him. While I did ask a few questions, and I know my mum did privately too, we have never had an opportunity to all sit down together and discuss what he has done and how we all feel about it. We have only ever discussed what is going to happen to him. I think we have all been worried that given his depression, if he went to prison he may hurt himself, or someone else would. Well, he went to prison last year for breaching his suspended sentence. He was found guilty of deleting his internet history - although no other evidence of searches/images. I do believe him that this was a mistake on his part and that he had not reoffended. After his initial arrest he attended the Lucy Faithful foundation course etc.
When he went to prison we were again all so worried about him being hurt the focus was again all on just getting through it and getting him home. My mum as you can imagine has been in bits about this for years now. She is still struggling and I think in denial.
While I can support him through this things have now been complicated with the arrival last year of my son (now 1). When he was born my brother was in prison and there was a lot of pressure from my mum for me and my partner to be ok with him seeing my son and being an uncle when he got home (totally supervised of course). My partner felt he had to go along with this as he hadn't known my parents long. We also both underestimated how we would feel about things when our child was actually here and seeing my brother interact with him.
While I love my brother and still know there are many good sides to him, I cannot get over (or my head around) what he was done, and I have so many questions for him. My mother is sure it was a pornography addiction however I am as yet unconvinved given a few questionable details. Having my son has also changed my feelings on things.
We decided to stop contact between my brother and my son (it was always supervised and only on about 5 occassions prior) in January untill we can discuss things all together and ask the questions we need answers to. I am so angry at my brother and also my mum. She has made the whole thing about how she feels, how he feels, and trying to protect him. I get that, she's his mum, but she's my mum too and I feel she has forgotten that. And part of me wants my parents to hear some of the questions and answers of my brother because I think they are in denial and that is why they are so angry at me that we are questioning his contact with our son. They do not see him as a risk. I do not think they have really contemplated what he has done as it is too difficult for them so they have avoided knowing details etc. Even if I don't think he is an real risk I am so worried about how our son will feel when he is older and finds out what his uncle did and that we allowed him contact?!!! And I will not lie to him and never tell him as I have learnt what lies do to families.
Please help, I do not know what to do and keep switching between "limited contact in public places, explaining that we don't fully trust uncle and that mummy or daddy alwasys has to be there or its not safe" to "no contact and having to explain why"
My mum is so focussed on not having her family ripped apart I feel she isn't thinking about what is best for my son, only what can continue her denial at the situation, and the impact of us not trusting my brother on my brother.
I'm sorry this is so long and if anyone has reached the end and is able to help I would be so grateful! xx
Hi. You seem to be in a similar mindset to me regatding access although the offender is my childs father. All i can say to advise or help is maybe rite down pros and cons. I habe been doing this and it helps when i have a bad day to think of the possitives. You need to remeber that the decision is yours and you should not feel bad if you cannot or do not want him to see your children. For me i am arranging visits in a contacy centre first so that i know he will be in a safe mutual envioronment for all of us. Im also discussing my feelings with my councilor and this helps alot. As parents all you want to do is protect and keep your children safe amd when something like this happens to anyone it can be so difficult to let dowm barriers. I thoughy about public access limited etc. But the only way i could think and forward and settled in my mind enough to move forward was to begin in a contact centre. I know they are not ideal for everybody but in my case its the only place i feel that contact can happen without me going crazy every second he would be with them. Also remeber that they are YOUR children and whatever you decide regarding access to your brother it will only ever be the best for your children. It all comes down to what you can handle mentally. Remeber that you can chanhe your mind and nothing has to be set in stone forever. Do what you feel comfortable with for now because in 6 months to a year you may feel diffetently xx take care of yourself xxxx
Thank you Becky so much for your reply. I don't know if a contact centre would be appropriate for us, but can understand if he was the father of my child that that would be the way to go, I really hope the contact centre works out for you and that you are doing ok xx