Confused, Conflicted, Humiliated
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(I'll try to be as vague as possible, but please let me know if I'm sharing too much.)
My OH is under investigation and I'm devastated. I wanted to believe him when he said they shouldn't find anything and doesn't understand how and why this is happening, but he's obviously lying since something was found and I just don't understand how and why.
I am terrified to tell my mom, but I really need her right now and can't deal with this on my own. But I feel so humiliated because I have to cancel our wedding (we are technically already married, but this was a huge celebration planned). I won't tell anyone other than my mom the truth, but I feel like my entire family will think of me as a failure or something now. I keep trying to remind myself it isn't my fault, and part of me wishes this was all a bad dream and I can just wake up and everything will be fine.
Has anyone stayed with their OH after going through this? I love him so much but I can barely look at him and talk to him right now. I threw up after getting off the phone with the officer. I'm just so overwhelmed and I don't know if I wait it out and see what the outcome is, or if I focus on myself and just leave. I don't want to leave, but staying would be so difficult.
My OH is under investigation and I'm devastated. I wanted to believe him when he said they shouldn't find anything and doesn't understand how and why this is happening, but he's obviously lying since something was found and I just don't understand how and why.
I am terrified to tell my mom, but I really need her right now and can't deal with this on my own. But I feel so humiliated because I have to cancel our wedding (we are technically already married, but this was a huge celebration planned). I won't tell anyone other than my mom the truth, but I feel like my entire family will think of me as a failure or something now. I keep trying to remind myself it isn't my fault, and part of me wishes this was all a bad dream and I can just wake up and everything will be fine.
Has anyone stayed with their OH after going through this? I love him so much but I can barely look at him and talk to him right now. I threw up after getting off the phone with the officer. I'm just so overwhelmed and I don't know if I wait it out and see what the outcome is, or if I focus on myself and just leave. I don't want to leave, but staying would be so difficult.
Hi,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I ended the relationship when he was arrested and told my family within a couple of days as I needed support. I don't regret that decision at all because it was right for me. We have both worked hard on ourselves and on rebuilding our relationship. You don't have to make all the decisions right now although it probably feels like you do. It's ok to change your mind throughout your journey. Sending love and strength xxx
I'm sorry you're going through this. I ended the relationship when he was arrested and told my family within a couple of days as I needed support. I don't regret that decision at all because it was right for me. We have both worked hard on ourselves and on rebuilding our relationship. You don't have to make all the decisions right now although it probably feels like you do. It's ok to change your mind throughout your journey. Sending love and strength xxx
Thank you for your kind words. It definitely feels like I need to be making all of these huge life decisions all at once. I'm trying to relax and give myself time to think things over. The problem I'm currently struggling with (they all just seem to be piling up and I'm trying to only focus on one at a time but it's difficult) is that this will now be impacting my career as I work with children. It just feels so unfair to be punished for something I didn't do and had no knowledge of.
I feel for you..... I have stayed for now until anything changes. This is becuase my OH is in recovery for a porn additiction that moved from legal to illegal porn.
I have not told my mom, I couldn't bare it in the end if case I stayed I didn't want my parents to judge etc.
I have told 1 friend, and also used a stop so counsellor. I have also cried my heart out to the lucy faithful foundation on their help line.
Sadly it means I have had to tell lots of white lies to my parents :(
I am 9 months in now, and no longer feel the need to tell my parents.
I was previously divorced which clearly I had to tell my parents about and they were SO supportive when that happened many years ago that I miss in someways not having had that love & support.
I have not told my mom, I couldn't bare it in the end if case I stayed I didn't want my parents to judge etc.
I have told 1 friend, and also used a stop so counsellor. I have also cried my heart out to the lucy faithful foundation on their help line.
Sadly it means I have had to tell lots of white lies to my parents :(
I am 9 months in now, and no longer feel the need to tell my parents.
I was previously divorced which clearly I had to tell my parents about and they were SO supportive when that happened many years ago that I miss in someways not having had that love & support.
Hello
I feel for you so much. You have described the same feelings I had at the early stages, which lasted over 18 months.
Looking back now (7 mths post sentencing) I wish that I had told my Mum much earlier. I kept everything to myself the entire time, and it nearly ended me.
I feel duped for that whole period, "only 2 images", "low risk", "may be an NFA" (police words) etc etc, almost minimising things. So I thought why tell if nothing comes of it. I was so naive.
Eventually charged. Many images.
I had to tell Mum and others...couldn't take the risk of them finding out from media.
What a huge relief that was. Mum was so supportive and told me off for not telling her from the start. The same sentiment from friends. Everyone has been lovely. Really looking out for me.
I ended my relationship. I was lied to and betrayed. I understand how sorry and ashamed he is. I also now understand why he couldn't be truthful (shame and embarassment on his part) but I am not responsible for his feelings. I am responsible for me, my life and my future. Easier I know because we don't have children.
As difficult as it was, still is, divorce going through, I am free of the hell of the aftermath.
That all said, I really do understand people staying, that requires a lot of strength.
This is just my story. In no way do I judge anyone's decisions, it really is a personal choice and only you know for you. Please take care of yourself and if feel you can confide in someone you trust and who loves you unconditionally please do. Mums are the best :) X
I feel for you so much. You have described the same feelings I had at the early stages, which lasted over 18 months.
Looking back now (7 mths post sentencing) I wish that I had told my Mum much earlier. I kept everything to myself the entire time, and it nearly ended me.
I feel duped for that whole period, "only 2 images", "low risk", "may be an NFA" (police words) etc etc, almost minimising things. So I thought why tell if nothing comes of it. I was so naive.
Eventually charged. Many images.
I had to tell Mum and others...couldn't take the risk of them finding out from media.
What a huge relief that was. Mum was so supportive and told me off for not telling her from the start. The same sentiment from friends. Everyone has been lovely. Really looking out for me.
I ended my relationship. I was lied to and betrayed. I understand how sorry and ashamed he is. I also now understand why he couldn't be truthful (shame and embarassment on his part) but I am not responsible for his feelings. I am responsible for me, my life and my future. Easier I know because we don't have children.
As difficult as it was, still is, divorce going through, I am free of the hell of the aftermath.
That all said, I really do understand people staying, that requires a lot of strength.
This is just my story. In no way do I judge anyone's decisions, it really is a personal choice and only you know for you. Please take care of yourself and if feel you can confide in someone you trust and who loves you unconditionally please do. Mums are the best :) X
My situation is different in that it is my son who offended rather than my partner. I chose to tell my mum who was 79 at the time what her Grandson had done and she has been so supportive to us all. The anxiety of trying to keep the secret from her would have made me unwell and would have affected our relationship. Telling her actually brought us closer together as I needed her support and she in turn wanted to take the pain away from me and my son.
My parents found out just after the police left. I had two very small children and just couldn't cope with what had just happened. I remember ringing my dad and they came straight round and stayed with me the whole morning until he came back. I don't think I would of coped that morning without them and throughout
My mum never knew. Sadly she died last Summer. All I wanted was a hug from my mum and for her to tell me everything would be ok.
I hate keeping secrets from my loved ones but I now view it as 'things left unsaid'.....
I get very upset when I have to directly lie, but if I were honest it could have devastating consequences so have no choice.
It's sadly a heavy burdon to carry.....
I get very upset when I have to directly lie, but if I were honest it could have devastating consequences so have no choice.
It's sadly a heavy burdon to carry.....
I'm sorry you are experiencing such obvious and understandable turmoil. The effects of 'the knock' are deeply traumatic and the secrecy a hard burden to carry. The support of my Mum and the users of this forum has carried me through the hardest and most challenging period of my life. Every emotion you are experiencing is valid. Every choice you make can be changed. I have chosen to stay with my husband as to me his offence does not define him. Give yourself some time to process everything. It does get easier I promise. The only person you owe anything to is you x
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and experiences and kind words. It means so much to me. I'm still taking everything one day at a time and doing my best, but now I'm having to deal with the consequences of everything being disclosed to the job I was about to be hired for. I've been waiting months with visas and paperwork and I worked really hard to get this job offer. But it's to be a teacher and since my OH is under investigation they are taking away the job offer.
I have to have a phone call about it today and I'm terrified. I nearly threw up when they rang me and I just couldn't answer the phone. I'm trying to calm down and write myself a script to use, but I know it won't be much good because they'll still say that the job offer isn't there anymore for me.
It's so unfair. I haven't done anything and yet I'm being punished. The investigator told me that in the end it is likely no charges or anything will happen and the case will just be closed, but that it will take a long time to get to that point. And there's a good chance that I will never be allowed to teach because of this. It makes no sense to me and I'm so angry and frustrated.
I have to have a phone call about it today and I'm terrified. I nearly threw up when they rang me and I just couldn't answer the phone. I'm trying to calm down and write myself a script to use, but I know it won't be much good because they'll still say that the job offer isn't there anymore for me.
It's so unfair. I haven't done anything and yet I'm being punished. The investigator told me that in the end it is likely no charges or anything will happen and the case will just be closed, but that it will take a long time to get to that point. And there's a good chance that I will never be allowed to teach because of this. It makes no sense to me and I'm so angry and frustrated.