New and Alone
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Hi everyone,
I've been scared to post here, but encouraged by how supportive you all are. Reading your post has made me feel less isolated. A week ago this is the last thing I ever thought I'd be reading about, let alone living through. I had no clue I would get a punch in the gut everytime I read two words..."the knock". But here we are.
Last week that knock came. I thought something had happened where we live and detectives were in to ask us if we'd seen anything. I (quite shamefully now) asked them, with a big smile, what was going on. Then I felt the colour drain out of me as they said there had been indecent images downloaded to our address and they had a warrant to search our home. I was speechless. This must be a mistake. Someone must have hacked the Internet. Any possible reason for this went through my head. But the next day my partner went to the police and confessed to looking at indecent videos and images of teenage girls.
I have an 11 year old son. My sons father has never tried to be in his life. I have been in one serious relationship before when he was very little. But my relationship with this person has been my sons first experience of having that stereotypical family. I very happy family, full of love and laughter. My son and partners relationship was never forced, they became like father and son very naturally. While we were only together for 3 years, the last year of that we began living together and life felt perfect. Too good to be true.
My partner and I have decided to cut contact so that my son is distanced from this as much as possible. My partner (I suppose ex partner now) is doing everything he can. He's already started counselling and has been in contact with Stop Now.
I just don't know how to get through this. I explained to my son that my partner had done something really seriously wrong on the Internet and he needed to leave the house and we wouldnt be able to see him. I told him that he loves him and didn't want to go but he had to. He got very upset. He asked would he ever see him again. I said I didn't know what was going to happen but that the police investigation would take a long time. My son doesn't want to talk about it and insists he's OK, but I know he's not. My son and I are very close and I just want to keep that trust there so he knows when he ready to talk I'm there.
I feel like my partners died and I'm lost. I'm confused because I love him so much, I miss him so much, but he just vanished from our lives. I'm worried about the effect this will have on my son. I'm worried about my partner and how much he will be hurting. And then I'm hurt and angry by what he's done. Questioning everything. Paranoid and anxious to leave the house incase I see anyone I know and I have to make polite conversation because I just randomly burst out crying.
Please someone tell me this gets better. My brain can't make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm in such a dark hole.
I've been scared to post here, but encouraged by how supportive you all are. Reading your post has made me feel less isolated. A week ago this is the last thing I ever thought I'd be reading about, let alone living through. I had no clue I would get a punch in the gut everytime I read two words..."the knock". But here we are.
Last week that knock came. I thought something had happened where we live and detectives were in to ask us if we'd seen anything. I (quite shamefully now) asked them, with a big smile, what was going on. Then I felt the colour drain out of me as they said there had been indecent images downloaded to our address and they had a warrant to search our home. I was speechless. This must be a mistake. Someone must have hacked the Internet. Any possible reason for this went through my head. But the next day my partner went to the police and confessed to looking at indecent videos and images of teenage girls.
I have an 11 year old son. My sons father has never tried to be in his life. I have been in one serious relationship before when he was very little. But my relationship with this person has been my sons first experience of having that stereotypical family. I very happy family, full of love and laughter. My son and partners relationship was never forced, they became like father and son very naturally. While we were only together for 3 years, the last year of that we began living together and life felt perfect. Too good to be true.
My partner and I have decided to cut contact so that my son is distanced from this as much as possible. My partner (I suppose ex partner now) is doing everything he can. He's already started counselling and has been in contact with Stop Now.
I just don't know how to get through this. I explained to my son that my partner had done something really seriously wrong on the Internet and he needed to leave the house and we wouldnt be able to see him. I told him that he loves him and didn't want to go but he had to. He got very upset. He asked would he ever see him again. I said I didn't know what was going to happen but that the police investigation would take a long time. My son doesn't want to talk about it and insists he's OK, but I know he's not. My son and I are very close and I just want to keep that trust there so he knows when he ready to talk I'm there.
I feel like my partners died and I'm lost. I'm confused because I love him so much, I miss him so much, but he just vanished from our lives. I'm worried about the effect this will have on my son. I'm worried about my partner and how much he will be hurting. And then I'm hurt and angry by what he's done. Questioning everything. Paranoid and anxious to leave the house incase I see anyone I know and I have to make polite conversation because I just randomly burst out crying.
Please someone tell me this gets better. My brain can't make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm in such a dark hole.
Hi Eliza.
I'm sorry you joined us in this forum - and I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
The early days are so so difficult so please take it easy, it's impossible to know everything and understand everything and make permenant decisions all at once (eventhough we all want to and try to.)
I would not say it gets easier but it settles and becomes your new normal. As you have a child you will have social worker involvement and that's both necessary and difficult to deal with. I struggle with it to this day, my parenting fell under the magnifying glass through No action of mine.
The LFF helpline is amazing, do give them a call and they will share their wisdom. If you can share it with family & friends that's great , so they could support you but it's a big thing to disclose and can not be unsaid.
And this forum.. Keep reaching out, keep talking to us all. None of us are alone, without it I don't know what I would do.
I'm sorry you joined us in this forum - and I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
The early days are so so difficult so please take it easy, it's impossible to know everything and understand everything and make permenant decisions all at once (eventhough we all want to and try to.)
I would not say it gets easier but it settles and becomes your new normal. As you have a child you will have social worker involvement and that's both necessary and difficult to deal with. I struggle with it to this day, my parenting fell under the magnifying glass through No action of mine.
The LFF helpline is amazing, do give them a call and they will share their wisdom. If you can share it with family & friends that's great , so they could support you but it's a big thing to disclose and can not be unsaid.
And this forum.. Keep reaching out, keep talking to us all. None of us are alone, without it I don't know what I would do.
sorry you find yourself here but it's a good place for support, I'm not sure how much social work will need to be involved in your case as you said you have cut contact and are no longer together so that may not happen in this situation which will be good for yiu and your child , its just a horrible situation u feel completely out of control with yiur emotions well I sure did but having some support and this forum helped me a lot even though I haven't always posted I still read here every single day I hope you can find peace and comfort in time with whatever decisions you make x
Hello Eliza,
I am so sorry you ended up here, but we are all in a group to support each other! This does get better with ups and downs, of course. I am a bit over a month into this and have seen some improvements.
I still have days where I wonder why this happened to me and to my partner. He was very honest with me about what he felt, and over time, he is opening up to his feelings or trying to understand them because he was also confused and not able to understand himself. So we decided to both go into therapy with a psychologist (we used StopSo) to try to figure out what happened, the future of our individual needs through this, and what to expect, but it takes time and we won't have responses to their action immediatly.
I believe there is nothing else we can do but carry on with our lives, finding distraction in our routine. As the days pass, you will find yourself better. Prioritize yourself and your emotions, and remember that you can change your decision at any moment, and that your future does not need to be defined right now. Sending you lots of strength and love! Stay strong
I am so sorry you ended up here, but we are all in a group to support each other! This does get better with ups and downs, of course. I am a bit over a month into this and have seen some improvements.
I still have days where I wonder why this happened to me and to my partner. He was very honest with me about what he felt, and over time, he is opening up to his feelings or trying to understand them because he was also confused and not able to understand himself. So we decided to both go into therapy with a psychologist (we used StopSo) to try to figure out what happened, the future of our individual needs through this, and what to expect, but it takes time and we won't have responses to their action immediatly.
I believe there is nothing else we can do but carry on with our lives, finding distraction in our routine. As the days pass, you will find yourself better. Prioritize yourself and your emotions, and remember that you can change your decision at any moment, and that your future does not need to be defined right now. Sending you lots of strength and love! Stay strong
Bless you my lovely, I really feel your stress and sadness, it's all such a devastating shock.
All I can advise is just try not to take everything on at once, it's too much and you want to preserve your strength for you and your son.
You strive for answers, strive for some sort of path, hopefully a quick conclusion - but sadly it's a long drawn out journey.
Take deep breaths, keeping posting - we are here to help you as much as we possibly can xxx
hug forwarded x
All I can advise is just try not to take everything on at once, it's too much and you want to preserve your strength for you and your son.
You strive for answers, strive for some sort of path, hopefully a quick conclusion - but sadly it's a long drawn out journey.
Take deep breaths, keeping posting - we are here to help you as much as we possibly can xxx
hug forwarded x
It is such a devastating shock. And having to navigate through it with children as well is just awful.
I send my love to you. I am only 5 weeks into this horrendous journey myself but do now have snippets of joy in my life- something I couldn't have imagined a few weeks ago.
if you haven't already rung, the help line is quite frankly amazing. Just to talk to someone who has heard this so many times before and they are able to just listen and signpost. I felt guilty the first time I picked up the phone but when it all gets too much it has been a lifeline. As this forum is as well.
Please feel free to message me if you feel if would be of any help x
I send hugs to you x
I send my love to you. I am only 5 weeks into this horrendous journey myself but do now have snippets of joy in my life- something I couldn't have imagined a few weeks ago.
if you haven't already rung, the help line is quite frankly amazing. Just to talk to someone who has heard this so many times before and they are able to just listen and signpost. I felt guilty the first time I picked up the phone but when it all gets too much it has been a lifeline. As this forum is as well.
Please feel free to message me if you feel if would be of any help x
I send hugs to you x
I would agree with what everyone else has said but I would also highly recommend getting onto the Inform partners course with the LFF.
Those first weeks and months are just so hard but now I am coming up to a year, life is mostly back to normal with SS out of our lives and just on the endless wait until the police do something......
I have stayed with my partner as his viewing of images came from a very long term porn addiction. Some days, life is better as I have a decent husband back but other days it is hard emotionally as so much trust has gone. I spend my time now worrying more about what happens if the police find more than what he has admitted to or was the whole relationship a lie as porn has clearly with hindsight been in his life a very very long time.
But my OH also went to counselling and safe lives quickly and SAA, so think his heart is in the right place to break the cycle of this addiction and also wanting to sort his life out.
There was a good podcast last week on womans hour on porn, not directly related IIOC children but more on the impact of porn on our lives.
Those first weeks and months are just so hard but now I am coming up to a year, life is mostly back to normal with SS out of our lives and just on the endless wait until the police do something......
I have stayed with my partner as his viewing of images came from a very long term porn addiction. Some days, life is better as I have a decent husband back but other days it is hard emotionally as so much trust has gone. I spend my time now worrying more about what happens if the police find more than what he has admitted to or was the whole relationship a lie as porn has clearly with hindsight been in his life a very very long time.
But my OH also went to counselling and safe lives quickly and SAA, so think his heart is in the right place to break the cycle of this addiction and also wanting to sort his life out.
There was a good podcast last week on womans hour on porn, not directly related IIOC children but more on the impact of porn on our lives.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel like I've been glued to this forum every night and it's helped seeing the loving and non judgemental support.
I called the Stop It Now number a few days after this started and the lady I spoke to was wonderful and really helped. I'm currently on the waiting line with them now to update on the past week. Isn't it weird it feels better talking to complete strangers? When talking to family and friends you feel like you're a bit of a burden (albeit I've never been made to intentionally feel like it) My friends and family have been incredible. I'm so lucky that I've got that circle around me that I can trust.
My son and I have spoken more about everything. I have been completely honest with him. He asks when my partner will be able to come back and I've told him that the investigation takes a very long time, and didn't sugar-coat it. I explained why it's not as simple as him just coming back and that the priority right now is to make sure we are both OK and that we need to live our lives for 'right now' because if this has taught me anything, you have no idea what life will throw at you. I have given him constant reassurance that things will feel normal again and that we have been on our own before and we have so many exciting things to look forward to. We were due to go on holiday as a family of 3 at the end of this month, but obviously that isn't going to go ahead as planned. Instead we are taking my sons best friend with us. I feel like that's a good focus for now.
I even worried if I'd be allowed to go on holiday with my son. Is that stupid? I've not done anything wrong yet I feel like I'm scared to go outside because I have this big secret in my life. I've already had practice on lying to neighbours about where my partner is. I'm getting quite good if I do say so myself lol.
I've taken advice from many strong ladies on here that I don't need to take on everything in my head at once. Focus on today. I will be going back to work tomorrow. That will be my first hurdle. I know it will be the best medicine right now, and the thought of it is far worse than it really will be.
X
I called the Stop It Now number a few days after this started and the lady I spoke to was wonderful and really helped. I'm currently on the waiting line with them now to update on the past week. Isn't it weird it feels better talking to complete strangers? When talking to family and friends you feel like you're a bit of a burden (albeit I've never been made to intentionally feel like it) My friends and family have been incredible. I'm so lucky that I've got that circle around me that I can trust.
My son and I have spoken more about everything. I have been completely honest with him. He asks when my partner will be able to come back and I've told him that the investigation takes a very long time, and didn't sugar-coat it. I explained why it's not as simple as him just coming back and that the priority right now is to make sure we are both OK and that we need to live our lives for 'right now' because if this has taught me anything, you have no idea what life will throw at you. I have given him constant reassurance that things will feel normal again and that we have been on our own before and we have so many exciting things to look forward to. We were due to go on holiday as a family of 3 at the end of this month, but obviously that isn't going to go ahead as planned. Instead we are taking my sons best friend with us. I feel like that's a good focus for now.
I even worried if I'd be allowed to go on holiday with my son. Is that stupid? I've not done anything wrong yet I feel like I'm scared to go outside because I have this big secret in my life. I've already had practice on lying to neighbours about where my partner is. I'm getting quite good if I do say so myself lol.
I've taken advice from many strong ladies on here that I don't need to take on everything in my head at once. Focus on today. I will be going back to work tomorrow. That will be my first hurdle. I know it will be the best medicine right now, and the thought of it is far worse than it really will be.
X