Reality Bites
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This is my first post only having discovered this forum last week. My post is about the reality of the situation most of us find ourselves in – it is not intended to garner sympathy of frighten anyone with the process but purely to share my reality right now.
In September 2018 my husband received the knock – I was at work and our child was at school. My first knowledge about the situation was when I called him during my lunchbreak to have a chat and he told me I needed to come home as he’d spent the morning at the police station following his arrest that morning. He wouldn’t tell me why over the phone so I spent the next hour in the car thinking there must have been a huge mistake and trying not to be sick at the thought that there was a genuine reason for his arrest.
When I got home, I found him in the house with all the blinds closed looking terrified. My first instinct was to check he was ok and give him a hug. He then told my why he’d been arrested and that was the point when I knew life would never be the same again. He said he had admitted accessing the images in his police interview – said there would be no point trying to deny it.
I felt sick – I had no idea he’d even been looking at regular porn let alone anything like this. His biggest fear at that point was that I would leave him and take our child away. Whilst I hated the reason for his arrest I believed (and still do) that this was completely out of character and not a true reflection of the man I have loved for the last 22 years.
I told him I would stay if he promised to get help and never do anything like this again – he has assured me he won’t.
I am a practical person, so I jumped straight into an action of plan of what we do, who we tell etc. My husband didn’t want to tell anyone but our child (age 12) has a lot of regular interaction with both sets of grandparents so we knew it would be difficult to keep from them. I made my husband go and see both sets of parents and tell them himself (it’s not my crime so why should I do this). He hated me for it but thanked me later as it was the right thing to do. When our child returned from school, we talked it through and explained what we could.
During the arrest several devices were removed, and we were advised it could take up to 6 months for the investigation as they have staff shortages and back logs of work.
The next morning, I went straight to school and explained to the head of year what had happened and that we’d been informed that CS would likely be in touch with them. The school were great and offered our child immediate support and time outs for when things were getting too much. I also informed my work in case I needed time off.
Our new normal begun that week. We continued to live our lives as normally as possible – arranged some weekly counselling for our child. My husband tried to get some help via the GP, but they weren’t able to offer him anything.
Six months after the knock came and went and still nothing happened. He still hadn’t been charged, he had no restrictions, but this was hanging over us and the stress was becoming a real issue for all of us.
Finally, 8 months after the knock, we had a call to go and collect some devices (no mention of charges). He went to the local station and picked up everything except the computer. He was told at that point he was going to be charged for downloading IOC and extreme images. The charge would come by post.
We’d spent months wanting answers and we finally had some – it was devastating. It felt worse than the original arrest in so many ways. The police officer told us it would likely result in a suspended sentence and that it made sense just to use the duty solicitor on the day (mainly because he’d already admitted guilt in the initial arrest interview).
We were told the court appearance would come through the post and in July we attended the local magistrates court. The duty solicitor completely flawed us when he informed us that it would likely result in a long custodial sentence – we had no idea and based on the conversations with the police it all seemed completely at odds with what we’d previously been told.
Whilst at court we mentioned that CS had never been in touch with us or our child’s school – they were shocked to say the least. It would appear we managed to slip through the cracks. We were referred at that point but as we had remained living together for the last year they didn’t remove my husband from the home but instead put a supervision order in place which meant there always had to be a second adult in the house if our child was there. This order lasted for 4 weeks until they were able to meet with us, school & probation where it was agreed there was no risk to our child.
He pleaded guilty to all charges and was adjourned to crown court. At this point it was clear we needed a solicitor and barrister. We arranged this (using my redundancy as we didn’t qualify for legal aid).
Following the appearance at magistrate’s court – we decided that this was the point where we could no longer keep this quiet, so we informed siblings and close friends. Most have been supportive but obviously shocked. Some member from my side of the family have not taken the news at all well and have decided they no longer want to be part of our lives which is very hard to process.
The hearing at crown court was terrifying, we were so worried about a custodial sentence being given it was hard to concentrate on everything that was said. I had written a letter to the judge which I think helped to keep my husband out of prison. He received a suspended sentence, a SHPO and has to work with probation to rehabilitate. A huge relief that the sentence was suspended was quickly overshadowed by the fact that a local reporter had been sat in the court. Before we even got home from court it was all over Facebook and the papers website. The mentioned his full name, age and the road we lived on. This was one of our biggest fears, but court is a public gallery so it’s luck of the drawer whether reporters attend or not. We had sensibly deleted my husbands account prior to court and changed my name so I couldn’t be linked to him, but it was still horrible to see all of the comments and threats that were posted. It’s fair to say that we lived in fear for the next couple of days.
Things did die down a little bit and we started to try to plan a way forward. My husband was already off work due to stress (they knew nothing) but as soon as the story was on-line, we felt we had to tell them. He’s been investigated and is likely to be dismissed but as he’s still on sick leave this hasn’t happened yet.
A week or so after the court appearance someone managed to get hold of a picture of my husband and posted it on a vigilante group – I reported this to Facebook who said it hadn’t broken any rules. They put personal details about our family which I also reported but again FB said no rules of conduct were broken. We reported it to the police and the SOR officer but there was nothing they could do.
The same day that this occurred our landlord (whom we’d tried to approach to tell him about the conviction) gave us notice to leave our house. This was by far the worst week of my life.
So today we’re 2 weeks from eviction – our local council have nothing to offer us and the local rental market is so in demand that there are 20+ families applying for each property. I’m not sure what the future holds but I still believe I made the right choice to stand by my husband. We’ve lost friends and family members along the way, but we are still a family and that’s the most important thing for us and our child.
Remember no matter how much you are struggling at this point, you will get through this, you are stronger than you know and now I’ve discovered this forum it’s obvious to me that none of us is alone.
Be brave, OWN your beliefs whether that is supporting your partner/family member or not. Remember to love yourself – you have done nothing wrong.
In September 2018 my husband received the knock – I was at work and our child was at school. My first knowledge about the situation was when I called him during my lunchbreak to have a chat and he told me I needed to come home as he’d spent the morning at the police station following his arrest that morning. He wouldn’t tell me why over the phone so I spent the next hour in the car thinking there must have been a huge mistake and trying not to be sick at the thought that there was a genuine reason for his arrest.
When I got home, I found him in the house with all the blinds closed looking terrified. My first instinct was to check he was ok and give him a hug. He then told my why he’d been arrested and that was the point when I knew life would never be the same again. He said he had admitted accessing the images in his police interview – said there would be no point trying to deny it.
I felt sick – I had no idea he’d even been looking at regular porn let alone anything like this. His biggest fear at that point was that I would leave him and take our child away. Whilst I hated the reason for his arrest I believed (and still do) that this was completely out of character and not a true reflection of the man I have loved for the last 22 years.
I told him I would stay if he promised to get help and never do anything like this again – he has assured me he won’t.
I am a practical person, so I jumped straight into an action of plan of what we do, who we tell etc. My husband didn’t want to tell anyone but our child (age 12) has a lot of regular interaction with both sets of grandparents so we knew it would be difficult to keep from them. I made my husband go and see both sets of parents and tell them himself (it’s not my crime so why should I do this). He hated me for it but thanked me later as it was the right thing to do. When our child returned from school, we talked it through and explained what we could.
During the arrest several devices were removed, and we were advised it could take up to 6 months for the investigation as they have staff shortages and back logs of work.
The next morning, I went straight to school and explained to the head of year what had happened and that we’d been informed that CS would likely be in touch with them. The school were great and offered our child immediate support and time outs for when things were getting too much. I also informed my work in case I needed time off.
Our new normal begun that week. We continued to live our lives as normally as possible – arranged some weekly counselling for our child. My husband tried to get some help via the GP, but they weren’t able to offer him anything.
Six months after the knock came and went and still nothing happened. He still hadn’t been charged, he had no restrictions, but this was hanging over us and the stress was becoming a real issue for all of us.
Finally, 8 months after the knock, we had a call to go and collect some devices (no mention of charges). He went to the local station and picked up everything except the computer. He was told at that point he was going to be charged for downloading IOC and extreme images. The charge would come by post.
We’d spent months wanting answers and we finally had some – it was devastating. It felt worse than the original arrest in so many ways. The police officer told us it would likely result in a suspended sentence and that it made sense just to use the duty solicitor on the day (mainly because he’d already admitted guilt in the initial arrest interview).
We were told the court appearance would come through the post and in July we attended the local magistrates court. The duty solicitor completely flawed us when he informed us that it would likely result in a long custodial sentence – we had no idea and based on the conversations with the police it all seemed completely at odds with what we’d previously been told.
Whilst at court we mentioned that CS had never been in touch with us or our child’s school – they were shocked to say the least. It would appear we managed to slip through the cracks. We were referred at that point but as we had remained living together for the last year they didn’t remove my husband from the home but instead put a supervision order in place which meant there always had to be a second adult in the house if our child was there. This order lasted for 4 weeks until they were able to meet with us, school & probation where it was agreed there was no risk to our child.
He pleaded guilty to all charges and was adjourned to crown court. At this point it was clear we needed a solicitor and barrister. We arranged this (using my redundancy as we didn’t qualify for legal aid).
Following the appearance at magistrate’s court – we decided that this was the point where we could no longer keep this quiet, so we informed siblings and close friends. Most have been supportive but obviously shocked. Some member from my side of the family have not taken the news at all well and have decided they no longer want to be part of our lives which is very hard to process.
The hearing at crown court was terrifying, we were so worried about a custodial sentence being given it was hard to concentrate on everything that was said. I had written a letter to the judge which I think helped to keep my husband out of prison. He received a suspended sentence, a SHPO and has to work with probation to rehabilitate. A huge relief that the sentence was suspended was quickly overshadowed by the fact that a local reporter had been sat in the court. Before we even got home from court it was all over Facebook and the papers website. The mentioned his full name, age and the road we lived on. This was one of our biggest fears, but court is a public gallery so it’s luck of the drawer whether reporters attend or not. We had sensibly deleted my husbands account prior to court and changed my name so I couldn’t be linked to him, but it was still horrible to see all of the comments and threats that were posted. It’s fair to say that we lived in fear for the next couple of days.
Things did die down a little bit and we started to try to plan a way forward. My husband was already off work due to stress (they knew nothing) but as soon as the story was on-line, we felt we had to tell them. He’s been investigated and is likely to be dismissed but as he’s still on sick leave this hasn’t happened yet.
A week or so after the court appearance someone managed to get hold of a picture of my husband and posted it on a vigilante group – I reported this to Facebook who said it hadn’t broken any rules. They put personal details about our family which I also reported but again FB said no rules of conduct were broken. We reported it to the police and the SOR officer but there was nothing they could do.
The same day that this occurred our landlord (whom we’d tried to approach to tell him about the conviction) gave us notice to leave our house. This was by far the worst week of my life.
So today we’re 2 weeks from eviction – our local council have nothing to offer us and the local rental market is so in demand that there are 20+ families applying for each property. I’m not sure what the future holds but I still believe I made the right choice to stand by my husband. We’ve lost friends and family members along the way, but we are still a family and that’s the most important thing for us and our child.
Remember no matter how much you are struggling at this point, you will get through this, you are stronger than you know and now I’ve discovered this forum it’s obvious to me that none of us is alone.
Be brave, OWN your beliefs whether that is supporting your partner/family member or not. Remember to love yourself – you have done nothing wrong.
? you are a superstar my love. X
Thank you so much for sharing your story . It's been really helpful for me to read 3 months post knock, even though your experiences are scary. I'd rather be prepared and your story is so honest.
Have you been in touch with Shelter to explore your housing options? I'm so sorry that your landlord has taken these steps :(
Have you been in touch with Shelter to explore your housing options? I'm so sorry that your landlord has taken these steps :(
Thanks SallyBlue, I'm not sure I'm a superstar but if it helps others to know what can happen then I'm good with that :)
Hi WorriedMum,
I'm glad my experience can help others understand. It's such a scary thing to go through but we can survive it!
Re the housing, our landlord has been incredibly good about it really and although we have to go we're still civil with each other. It's just so difficult to deal with on top of everything we've been through. I'd not thought of Shelter, will try and contact them later to see if they can help. I'm sure we'll get sorted eventually, would be nice to remove the uncertainty of where we'll live x
I'm glad my experience can help others understand. It's such a scary thing to go through but we can survive it!
Re the housing, our landlord has been incredibly good about it really and although we have to go we're still civil with each other. It's just so difficult to deal with on top of everything we've been through. I'd not thought of Shelter, will try and contact them later to see if they can help. I'm sure we'll get sorted eventually, would be nice to remove the uncertainty of where we'll live x
Wow Bellarose just reading your story made me so teary, you are so very brave and so strong to share you story on here.
What a story you have, have you sorted out where you will live yet?
Was your husband caught by a vigilante group?
I am so sorry you had to endure the press coverage, that is my greatest fear! I think when there are children in the family they should not publish these personal details, it just causes more potential trouble for the police to sort out, which they probably don’t anyway!
well you have survived this far and you sound so together despite everything, keep going one day at a time.
it is good you have discovered this forum now, it is so supportive, there is always someone with good advice and help on here.
Wishing you very best for the future, keep us posted how you are getting on!
mabel x x
What a story you have, have you sorted out where you will live yet?
Was your husband caught by a vigilante group?
I am so sorry you had to endure the press coverage, that is my greatest fear! I think when there are children in the family they should not publish these personal details, it just causes more potential trouble for the police to sort out, which they probably don’t anyway!
well you have survived this far and you sound so together despite everything, keep going one day at a time.
it is good you have discovered this forum now, it is so supportive, there is always someone with good advice and help on here.
Wishing you very best for the future, keep us posted how you are getting on!
mabel x x
BellaRose, Shelter are incredible, please do give them a call! Tell them your full situation, I'm positive they'll have some helpful suggestions.
As your husband is on the SOR they will always find somewhere for you to live because they can't have homeless sex offenders!
As your husband is on the SOR they will always find somewhere for you to live because they can't have homeless sex offenders!
WorriedMum,
Thank you so much, I wasnt aware of that . We're under the homeless prevention team with our local council but all they suggest is staying where we are and forcing the landlord to take it court which we really dont want to do. Been in court enough to last a lifetime ready this year!
Thank you so much, I wasnt aware of that . We're under the homeless prevention team with our local council but all they suggest is staying where we are and forcing the landlord to take it court which we really dont want to do. Been in court enough to last a lifetime ready this year!
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps me so
much as I am only part way through this nightmare. You have done amazingly well and you are proof that you can survive.
Xx
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps me so
much as I am only part way through this nightmare. You have done amazingly well and you are proof that you can survive.
Xx
Hi Mabel
Thank you so much for your kind words, I dont feel very strong but I have to keep going for the sake of my family.
My husband wasnt caught by a vigilante group, they only picked up the story after the court case but unfortunately they printed his photo and where we live on the article. We haven't received any physical threats but it's scary none the less. You soon find out who your real friends are too - several of our 'friends' commented on the post with more personal information which was very hurtful. Our child was terrified to go back to school after the summer but the weekly counselling helps.
Its comforting to know we can support each other through this forum
X
Thank you so much for your kind words, I dont feel very strong but I have to keep going for the sake of my family.
My husband wasnt caught by a vigilante group, they only picked up the story after the court case but unfortunately they printed his photo and where we live on the article. We haven't received any physical threats but it's scary none the less. You soon find out who your real friends are too - several of our 'friends' commented on the post with more personal information which was very hurtful. Our child was terrified to go back to school after the summer but the weekly counselling helps.
Its comforting to know we can support each other through this forum
X
Hi CornishTea
Stay strong, you will get through it, take each day at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.
I keep saying to my husband, we can't change what has happened but we can learn to deal with it and the far reaching consequences and move forward.
X
Stay strong, you will get through it, take each day at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.
I keep saying to my husband, we can't change what has happened but we can learn to deal with it and the far reaching consequences and move forward.
X
Hi Bellarose
thanks for sharing your story. Hope you don’t mind me asking, but how did they come to conclusion your husband was no risk to your child? Not suggesting he is, but never heard SS say that before. Did they not insist on supervised contact?
thanks for sharing your story. Hope you don’t mind me asking, but how did they come to conclusion your husband was no risk to your child? Not suggesting he is, but never heard SS say that before. Did they not insist on supervised contact?
Hi Big Sigh
I think the main reason was because the images viewed has all been female when we have a son. Also because our sons school has been aware since the arrest and our parents are heavily involved in childcare it was deemed safe.
Had we been referred to CS at point of arrest they told us they would have removed my husband from the home. CS only insisted on supervision for the 4 weeks it took them to complete their investigation.
I think the main reason was because the images viewed has all been female when we have a son. Also because our sons school has been aware since the arrest and our parents are heavily involved in childcare it was deemed safe.
Had we been referred to CS at point of arrest they told us they would have removed my husband from the home. CS only insisted on supervision for the 4 weeks it took them to complete their investigation.
Keep going. Your tough. Stay focused and positive. Your amazing x
Hi bellarose
so since conviction they haven’t said supervised contact only?
jeez - children’s services are so bloody inconsistent!
so since conviction they haven’t said supervised contact only?
jeez - children’s services are so bloody inconsistent!
Hi Bellarose
Sorry that you've joined the club that none of us wanted to join. I'm glad I'm not the only one who went into practical mode. You seem so together and strong despite what you have gone through.
I think the council are probably telling you to stay put and force the landlord to take you to court to evict because then you'll become officially homeless. Shelter would definitely be good people to talk to though, they would definitely be able to give you advice. I assume your husband also has a probation officer, have you discussed the housing situation with them?
How are you finding life post sentancing? I'm slowly trying to come to terms with what the new normal is going to be after a random visit from the police this week.
Sorry that you've joined the club that none of us wanted to join. I'm glad I'm not the only one who went into practical mode. You seem so together and strong despite what you have gone through.
I think the council are probably telling you to stay put and force the landlord to take you to court to evict because then you'll become officially homeless. Shelter would definitely be good people to talk to though, they would definitely be able to give you advice. I assume your husband also has a probation officer, have you discussed the housing situation with them?
How are you finding life post sentancing? I'm slowly trying to come to terms with what the new normal is going to be after a random visit from the police this week.
Bellarose, amazing strong lady. Hope i can be as strong when the time comes. Xx
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Today is the first time in a year that I'm doing something for myself. A friend and I are meeting for afternoon tea shortly. So for the first time in a long time I've had a reason to feel excited, I've even managed to wear make up & heels which is a big thing as my self confidence is at an all time low.
I'm looking forward to a few hours where hopefully I wont be thinking about how much of a mess my life is and how I'm going to move forward.
It's only one afternoon but it feels like a huge step forward.
X
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Today is the first time in a year that I'm doing something for myself. A friend and I are meeting for afternoon tea shortly. So for the first time in a long time I've had a reason to feel excited, I've even managed to wear make up & heels which is a big thing as my self confidence is at an all time low.
I'm looking forward to a few hours where hopefully I wont be thinking about how much of a mess my life is and how I'm going to move forward.
It's only one afternoon but it feels like a huge step forward.
X
Hope your afternoon tea was amazing, you deserve to enjoy me time. I hope things will settle and you will be able to make any decisions you need. Sending love. Xx