How to be...?
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So it's now 2 weeks since "the knock" for me.
Everything still seems very raw and I still feel traumatised by that experience. I've never had any interaction with the law before, never so much as returned a library book late. But here we are.
I was in complete denial the whole time I was being told what he was accused of, surely it's all a big misunderstanding, surely his account was hacked, there's no way he's done any of this etc.
Husband was arrested then released on bail under investigation. Once home he confessed everything to me. I was utterly disgusted and appalled by what I heard. Things were so, so much worse than I could have ever expected.
My problem is now what? We don't have any kids, nor do we have any friends and family in the area. He's still having to live here because he's got nowhere else to go. The house is mine, I'm paying for everything which I'm grateful for as he lost his job immediately. I'm so angry that he brought this into our lives I'm 100% done with the relationship and want him out immediately.
He's been very remorseful about the whole thing and admits to feeling completely ashamed and doesn't know why he did what he did. He's also trying to be supportive and staying out of my way during the day, sleeping in another room at night, helping make us food etc. He's also seeking help through this website and through the helpline.
So now we're in a situation where we're just... living with this?? He's spending his days just lazing around the house. We're not really speaking. He doesn't feel he can leave the house out of shame.
The situation is made more complicated by the fact that he's not a UK citizen, and he's here on a spousal visa which we were due to renew in Sept this year. Obviously that won't be happening as I want an immediate divorce. Police have advised that the investigation takes precedence over his immigration status because they will need him to stay in the country whilst the investigation takes place, which could be at least 2 years.
I don't know what to do now. I hate him for what he's done but at the same time I know the only alternative to him being here is living on the street. His visa status means he has no recourse to public funds so he can't go through any of the housing support services. I resent that I'm having to house and pay for a criminal who did such horrible things under my roof on my internet.
We even have tickets for events coming up in the next 3 weeks which we were supposed to go to together - like are we supposed to just go on like normal as if nothing has happened?? I just don't know how I'm supposed to be now. I hate this.
Anyone got any words of advice?
TIA
Everything still seems very raw and I still feel traumatised by that experience. I've never had any interaction with the law before, never so much as returned a library book late. But here we are.
I was in complete denial the whole time I was being told what he was accused of, surely it's all a big misunderstanding, surely his account was hacked, there's no way he's done any of this etc.
Husband was arrested then released on bail under investigation. Once home he confessed everything to me. I was utterly disgusted and appalled by what I heard. Things were so, so much worse than I could have ever expected.
My problem is now what? We don't have any kids, nor do we have any friends and family in the area. He's still having to live here because he's got nowhere else to go. The house is mine, I'm paying for everything which I'm grateful for as he lost his job immediately. I'm so angry that he brought this into our lives I'm 100% done with the relationship and want him out immediately.
He's been very remorseful about the whole thing and admits to feeling completely ashamed and doesn't know why he did what he did. He's also trying to be supportive and staying out of my way during the day, sleeping in another room at night, helping make us food etc. He's also seeking help through this website and through the helpline.
So now we're in a situation where we're just... living with this?? He's spending his days just lazing around the house. We're not really speaking. He doesn't feel he can leave the house out of shame.
The situation is made more complicated by the fact that he's not a UK citizen, and he's here on a spousal visa which we were due to renew in Sept this year. Obviously that won't be happening as I want an immediate divorce. Police have advised that the investigation takes precedence over his immigration status because they will need him to stay in the country whilst the investigation takes place, which could be at least 2 years.
I don't know what to do now. I hate him for what he's done but at the same time I know the only alternative to him being here is living on the street. His visa status means he has no recourse to public funds so he can't go through any of the housing support services. I resent that I'm having to house and pay for a criminal who did such horrible things under my roof on my internet.
We even have tickets for events coming up in the next 3 weeks which we were supposed to go to together - like are we supposed to just go on like normal as if nothing has happened?? I just don't know how I'm supposed to be now. I hate this.
Anyone got any words of advice?
TIA
This is an awful lot for you to take on and so very difficult given your circumstances.
I would be feeling much the same, and given that it sounds like he has to live with you for the foreseeable future, it is probably worth seeking support and counselling for yourself. StopSo specialise in this area; you can get a referral through their website
Hugs to you
x
I would be feeling much the same, and given that it sounds like he has to live with you for the foreseeable future, it is probably worth seeking support and counselling for yourself. StopSo specialise in this area; you can get a referral through their website
Hugs to you
x
Hi, I'm so sorry. It's all such an overwhelming shock. When my ex was arrested the first time I was in complete denial. I thought it must be a malicious allegation as he worked in a school - yeah, I know, another layer of shite. I'm clutching at straws here but if I were you, I'd contact the Council and explain what's happened. You have no responsibility to home him. If the Police say the investigation takes priority over his immigration, that's not your problem but might mean they have to house him temporarily until the case is complete. Otherwise he's at risk of disappearing potentially.
i wish you all the very best. Xx
i wish you all the very best. Xx
He isn't your responsibility. If your relationship is over you have absolutely no reason to be involved any further in this. Don't let the police tell you otherwise x
I don't believe it's true that investigation takes over his immigration status. It might be part of his bail conditions that he cannot leave the country, but should he go RUI there is nothing forcing him to stay in UK.
However, he is absolutely not your responsibility. Since he's been living with you, I believe you need to serve him with an eviction notice and then he can go to emergency accommodation. They will then have to figure out how to support him if he cannot be deported.
However, he is absolutely not your responsibility. Since he's been living with you, I believe you need to serve him with an eviction notice and then he can go to emergency accommodation. They will then have to figure out how to support him if he cannot be deported.
Thank you everyone for your supportive words. It really helps to get some validation that I'm not alone in feeling like this.
For anyone who has got their person to leave, how do you do it? I really don't want any more drama, but when I've approached the topic he just keeps pointing out he has nowhere to go. I know worst case scenario I could call the police and have him forcibly removed, but honestly I can't face more police at my door and in my house, I'm still traumatised from the last lot.
I've encouraged him to contact the Home Office for guidance re leaving the UK, as really the best thing from my perspective is if he just got on a plane and went to his home country. Home Office response was that they'll get back to him in 20 working days(!!). So that's at least another month of living like this.
He's now acting super nice and being really helpful around the house which is making this harder. There's a tiny part of me that wants things back how they were and this gives me small moments of forgetting about all the bad stuff, then I'm crushed again when the memories all come flooding back. It's torture. I just need to find my own way through this and I can't whilst we're stuck in this limbo.
Thank you for reading.
For anyone who has got their person to leave, how do you do it? I really don't want any more drama, but when I've approached the topic he just keeps pointing out he has nowhere to go. I know worst case scenario I could call the police and have him forcibly removed, but honestly I can't face more police at my door and in my house, I'm still traumatised from the last lot.
I've encouraged him to contact the Home Office for guidance re leaving the UK, as really the best thing from my perspective is if he just got on a plane and went to his home country. Home Office response was that they'll get back to him in 20 working days(!!). So that's at least another month of living like this.
He's now acting super nice and being really helpful around the house which is making this harder. There's a tiny part of me that wants things back how they were and this gives me small moments of forgetting about all the bad stuff, then I'm crushed again when the memories all come flooding back. It's torture. I just need to find my own way through this and I can't whilst we're stuck in this limbo.
Thank you for reading.
My ex became super nice doing everything for us around the house, dealing with the cats and doing all the cooking. He's tried to make himself indespensible. I'm so angry that I let him stay here. It's caused me so many problems. I only managed to get him to leave because his Father said he could live there. The thing is, his father hasn't offered before in all these years. He knows how hard it's been for me having him here. I think I'd take the bull by the horns and contact the council and see what they say. I'm having a hard time deciding if all this is coercive control ??????. I'm too confused to work it out. Xxx
This is not your problem.... he has brought this on himself. I totally understand why you want him out. I told my ex to leave. He had nowhere to go but when I shut the door I felt so much better.
Lost everything, I wish I'd been as brave as you. X
Little Robin, I don't see it as being brave... it was just something I had to do . I couldn't accept what he had done and didn't believe any of his excuses. None of what he did was my fault . It was all down to him so he had to suffer the consequences. Of course I found it immensely hard losing the love of my life and the life I loved with him , but me it was black and white. What he did was disgusting and in my opinion unforgivable. So really it comes down to the fact that I had absolutely no choice.
Lost everything,
I think my situation wasn't black and white. The ex had these feelings since he was 13, so he definitely didn't choose to be what he is but obviously he chose to go looking for the images at age 47. First time round, seven years ago he was remanded and sentenced to three years. We were divorced within a year. Seven months later I moved to another country with my two youngest to get away from it all but it didn't work out so we had to return and we were homeless. He reoffended two years ago when I was at my most vulnerable, I was really ill. He got kicked out of the place he was living and he ended up on my living room floor because the Police put pressure on me. He became my carer and tried to make himself indispensable. It became really hard to kick him him out but I did just that a few months ago. I wish I'd never let him stay here because it's caused me loads of problems.
I think my situation wasn't black and white. The ex had these feelings since he was 13, so he definitely didn't choose to be what he is but obviously he chose to go looking for the images at age 47. First time round, seven years ago he was remanded and sentenced to three years. We were divorced within a year. Seven months later I moved to another country with my two youngest to get away from it all but it didn't work out so we had to return and we were homeless. He reoffended two years ago when I was at my most vulnerable, I was really ill. He got kicked out of the place he was living and he ended up on my living room floor because the Police put pressure on me. He became my carer and tried to make himself indispensable. It became really hard to kick him him out but I did just that a few months ago. I wish I'd never let him stay here because it's caused me loads of problems.
I'm so sorry that you've had such a hard time. Are the police happy for him to stay with you as you mentioned you have children?
Lost everything,
my children are all adults now so yes, Police were more than happy.
my children are all adults now so yes, Police were more than happy.