Do they ever change?
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Hi everyone,
Hope everyone is keeping well, I know some days can be so hard.
My story is that we're out the other side. In short my OH sent images and messages to under 16 girls. Got the knock sept 22, finally in court Jan this year. Suspened sentence and 10 years on SOR.
although he had moved out I have been supporting him as we have a child together and I guess you could say I was ok Groundhog Day up until court. Now we've had a conclusion and I do really count us as one of the lucky ones that he hasn't gone to prison I feel I am struggling more.
it's as if I held it all together until then and now he wants to move forward I am finding it so hard. What if it happens again? OH also has a chronic gambling addiction which he thinks he can sort himself. I get he has to move forward but I just can't move past what I've actually had to go through this past 20 months and hold it together. I've got such resentment. Is this normal? Will it get better? I do still love him (wish I didn't) but can't spend the next 40 odd years like this. Xxx
Hope everyone is keeping well, I know some days can be so hard.
My story is that we're out the other side. In short my OH sent images and messages to under 16 girls. Got the knock sept 22, finally in court Jan this year. Suspened sentence and 10 years on SOR.
although he had moved out I have been supporting him as we have a child together and I guess you could say I was ok Groundhog Day up until court. Now we've had a conclusion and I do really count us as one of the lucky ones that he hasn't gone to prison I feel I am struggling more.
it's as if I held it all together until then and now he wants to move forward I am finding it so hard. What if it happens again? OH also has a chronic gambling addiction which he thinks he can sort himself. I get he has to move forward but I just can't move past what I've actually had to go through this past 20 months and hold it together. I've got such resentment. Is this normal? Will it get better? I do still love him (wish I didn't) but can't spend the next 40 odd years like this. Xxx
Hi, I can only speak from my experience which is a bit different from yours.
The ex was convicted of downloading IIOC and sentenced to three years in prison. We have four children.
A few days after his arrest he phoned me from prison. I asked how long he'd been doing this and had these feelings for. He told me he'd felt this way since about age 13. He didn't go down the rabbit hole until age 48 when we'd been best friends for 30 years and married for 17. I knew from that moment that we were over.
I decided to "support" him for my children's sakes mainly. The fallout from what he'd done was immense. He was extremely remorseful and I didn't think he would put us through all this again. I understood he is what he is and always has been but I knew that couldn't or wouldn't ever change.
Five years after the first Knock, he was arrested again for the same thing. We had been divorced for four years by this point but our lives were very much intertwined. What the second arrest showed me, in no uncertain terms, is that he will always prioritise it over us. The genie is out of the lamp and cannot be put back.
I guess your OH, like mine, was hugely relieved once it was all over and everything is out in the open. For us though, we are left reeling with feelings of shock, resentment, fear and bewilderment. Our relationships change beyond all recognition after The Knock whether we want it to or not. It's not a normal breakdown of a relationship.
My ex ended up living in a shared house with other criminals. He was as happy as a pig in sh*t. He was "out" to be who he wanted to be. He'd walked away from all responsibilities including his kids. He didn't have to pay any bills where be lived and the Job Centre left him alone.
I think it's really very unreasonable to expect things to just bounce back to normality. It can't. It's different now. Could you go to therapy together or maybe on your own?
Much love to you. Xx
The ex was convicted of downloading IIOC and sentenced to three years in prison. We have four children.
A few days after his arrest he phoned me from prison. I asked how long he'd been doing this and had these feelings for. He told me he'd felt this way since about age 13. He didn't go down the rabbit hole until age 48 when we'd been best friends for 30 years and married for 17. I knew from that moment that we were over.
I decided to "support" him for my children's sakes mainly. The fallout from what he'd done was immense. He was extremely remorseful and I didn't think he would put us through all this again. I understood he is what he is and always has been but I knew that couldn't or wouldn't ever change.
Five years after the first Knock, he was arrested again for the same thing. We had been divorced for four years by this point but our lives were very much intertwined. What the second arrest showed me, in no uncertain terms, is that he will always prioritise it over us. The genie is out of the lamp and cannot be put back.
I guess your OH, like mine, was hugely relieved once it was all over and everything is out in the open. For us though, we are left reeling with feelings of shock, resentment, fear and bewilderment. Our relationships change beyond all recognition after The Knock whether we want it to or not. It's not a normal breakdown of a relationship.
My ex ended up living in a shared house with other criminals. He was as happy as a pig in sh*t. He was "out" to be who he wanted to be. He'd walked away from all responsibilities including his kids. He didn't have to pay any bills where be lived and the Job Centre left him alone.
I think it's really very unreasonable to expect things to just bounce back to normality. It can't. It's different now. Could you go to therapy together or maybe on your own?
Much love to you. Xx
Hi,
I think it's normal to feel how you're feeling. I kind of put dealing with how to move forward on a back burner. Had counselling and hypnotherapy right at the beginning to get over the initial trauma and then threw myself into caring for our daughter and supporting him through the past three years of probation etc.
It is possible for your partner to change, this crime has one of the lowest rates of reoffending. Does he recognise triggers for both his offending and his gambling? I was told by my partners offender manager that there is a link between gambling and sexual offences but I've not been able to find the research into this.
As for your partner wanting to move forward I can understand that. He now probably has his closure. My partner described it to me as he started working on himself from the moment he was left in the holding cell at the police station. I can see that he has and is working incredibly hard to be a better person. Unfortunately the only way that I'm ever going to build trust again is to remove my own walls and allow him the chance to prove himself xxx
I think it's normal to feel how you're feeling. I kind of put dealing with how to move forward on a back burner. Had counselling and hypnotherapy right at the beginning to get over the initial trauma and then threw myself into caring for our daughter and supporting him through the past three years of probation etc.
It is possible for your partner to change, this crime has one of the lowest rates of reoffending. Does he recognise triggers for both his offending and his gambling? I was told by my partners offender manager that there is a link between gambling and sexual offences but I've not been able to find the research into this.
As for your partner wanting to move forward I can understand that. He now probably has his closure. My partner described it to me as he started working on himself from the moment he was left in the holding cell at the police station. I can see that he has and is working incredibly hard to be a better person. Unfortunately the only way that I'm ever going to build trust again is to remove my own walls and allow him the chance to prove himself xxx