The unknown dark tunnel
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My partner was arrested almost 18 months ago on suspicion of having iioc and contacting girls under 18 via online forums posing as a young boy himself.
He has since been re-interviewed and advised to say ‘no comment’ to all police questioning by his solicitor. He has been re-bailed 5 times so far pending further investigation.
It has been a very challenging and tough time for both me and him, but we have worked through this together as I truly believe he wants to change and be a better person. We have been together 11 years, own a house together and besides all this he truly makes me happy. He is not a bad person he just requires the support and guidance to a better mental health. He has received therapy and I have supported him through this and he has been open and honest about the situation with me. Although be it very hard for us both to have this discussion, it has really helped us both to be open and honest.
I am currently pregnant with our first child together, she is due to arrive in 3 weeks time.
Maybe naive of me but I never even considered social services would become involved, but they first knocked on my door 3 weeks ago. The SW explained very little and told my partner that he wasn’t allowed to attend the birth of our child and that as soon as she was born he would need to find alternative living arrangements and have no contact with his daughter. Absolutely, in a state of shock I didn’t question anything and fell silent as I literally was lost for words. My whole world had crumbled apart in the space of a few minutes.
A couple of weeks later a second SW called to say she was our actual case worker and that the other woman was just a stand in whilst she was on annual leave. This SW seemed more professional and explained that they would need to carry out a risk assessment. Although, I was trying so hard to respect that they have a duty of care for our child and that some concerns are of course going to be a worry for them. I found myself becoming defensive because all I wanted was to be a family unit and know that we would both work together and try and be the best parents we could possibly be. Because of this I am now deemed as not being able to safeguard my own child.
I am lost for words and truly distraught that I am days away from giving birth and my whole world has been turned upside down. There seems to be no compromise as my partners bail conditions state ‘to have no deliberate contact with anyone under the age of 18’. We have asked both social workers and solicitors if something can be put in place so he can attend the birth (I really need his support and feel like I will not be able to do this without him by my side) and have some supervised contact with his daughter once born. Solicitors have ignored us and the SW seems to think this is highly unlikely whilst the investigation is still on going.
I literally feel hopeless and all sorts of emotions, thoughts and feelings are going through my head. I’m trying to just take each day as it comes, but everyday is full of dread and unknown.
Is there a light at the end of this long dark tunnel?
He has since been re-interviewed and advised to say ‘no comment’ to all police questioning by his solicitor. He has been re-bailed 5 times so far pending further investigation.
It has been a very challenging and tough time for both me and him, but we have worked through this together as I truly believe he wants to change and be a better person. We have been together 11 years, own a house together and besides all this he truly makes me happy. He is not a bad person he just requires the support and guidance to a better mental health. He has received therapy and I have supported him through this and he has been open and honest about the situation with me. Although be it very hard for us both to have this discussion, it has really helped us both to be open and honest.
I am currently pregnant with our first child together, she is due to arrive in 3 weeks time.
Maybe naive of me but I never even considered social services would become involved, but they first knocked on my door 3 weeks ago. The SW explained very little and told my partner that he wasn’t allowed to attend the birth of our child and that as soon as she was born he would need to find alternative living arrangements and have no contact with his daughter. Absolutely, in a state of shock I didn’t question anything and fell silent as I literally was lost for words. My whole world had crumbled apart in the space of a few minutes.
A couple of weeks later a second SW called to say she was our actual case worker and that the other woman was just a stand in whilst she was on annual leave. This SW seemed more professional and explained that they would need to carry out a risk assessment. Although, I was trying so hard to respect that they have a duty of care for our child and that some concerns are of course going to be a worry for them. I found myself becoming defensive because all I wanted was to be a family unit and know that we would both work together and try and be the best parents we could possibly be. Because of this I am now deemed as not being able to safeguard my own child.
I am lost for words and truly distraught that I am days away from giving birth and my whole world has been turned upside down. There seems to be no compromise as my partners bail conditions state ‘to have no deliberate contact with anyone under the age of 18’. We have asked both social workers and solicitors if something can be put in place so he can attend the birth (I really need his support and feel like I will not be able to do this without him by my side) and have some supervised contact with his daughter once born. Solicitors have ignored us and the SW seems to think this is highly unlikely whilst the investigation is still on going.
I literally feel hopeless and all sorts of emotions, thoughts and feelings are going through my head. I’m trying to just take each day as it comes, but everyday is full of dread and unknown.
Is there a light at the end of this long dark tunnel?
Hi, I saw your post and knew I had to respond and I'm really sorry that you're going through this, I was in a similar situation, being pregnant with our first child at the time of the knock.
I admit, the knock happened to me when I was still very early into my pregnancy so maybe they had more time to organise things but one thing I made very clear was that I wanted my OH with me. We had a safeguarding midwife that attended the SW meetings and (unbenownst to me) wrote up a birth plan- I don't know if that's a standard practice or not it was never said.
I think what helped is having an additional birth partner in with you as well as your partner, but you really have to put your foot down to tell them this is what you want, maybe get in touch with your midwife about it?
unfortunately every case is different, but I was also told that we could not live together due to his bail conditions staying that he could not sleep in the same property as someone under the age of 18, luckily I had my parents who were aware of the investigation to move into after our baby was born.
Things since have been a rollercoaster, and admittedly in my situation my experience with SS has been very negative but hopefully your SW is professional and willing to work with you to make things easier.
There is a light at the end and it may seem like a long way off, there will be good days and there will, unfortunately, be bad days. Just know that you are doing the absolute best you can given the circumstances. Always a message away if you need a chat x
I admit, the knock happened to me when I was still very early into my pregnancy so maybe they had more time to organise things but one thing I made very clear was that I wanted my OH with me. We had a safeguarding midwife that attended the SW meetings and (unbenownst to me) wrote up a birth plan- I don't know if that's a standard practice or not it was never said.
I think what helped is having an additional birth partner in with you as well as your partner, but you really have to put your foot down to tell them this is what you want, maybe get in touch with your midwife about it?
unfortunately every case is different, but I was also told that we could not live together due to his bail conditions staying that he could not sleep in the same property as someone under the age of 18, luckily I had my parents who were aware of the investigation to move into after our baby was born.
Things since have been a rollercoaster, and admittedly in my situation my experience with SS has been very negative but hopefully your SW is professional and willing to work with you to make things easier.
There is a light at the end and it may seem like a long way off, there will be good days and there will, unfortunately, be bad days. Just know that you are doing the absolute best you can given the circumstances. Always a message away if you need a chat x
Hi,
My husband is under investigation for iioc and has been released under investigation (so no bail conditions).
He was allowed to attend the birth of our child - well, at least we assumed he did, because social services never got in touch with me.
You could forward a safety plan, maybe according to which your husband has to leave straight after the birth and where a family member would supervise contact?
All the best xx
My husband is under investigation for iioc and has been released under investigation (so no bail conditions).
He was allowed to attend the birth of our child - well, at least we assumed he did, because social services never got in touch with me.
You could forward a safety plan, maybe according to which your husband has to leave straight after the birth and where a family member would supervise contact?
All the best xx
Hi
I'm not sure if this helps, but I just wanted to explain a few things. Police work on evidence but social services work on the basis of probability. This means that SS doesn't need to be able to prove an allegation is true to be able to put safeguards in place for a child. As your partner is under investigation for IIOC and sexual communication with under 18s, they seem your child to be at risk of sexual abuse. Did you tell your mid-wife about the investigation at any point? Did you get pregnant before or after arrest?
Generally if you have told your midwife, they should've reported to SS then meaning you would have had more time to prep. Similarly with the pregnancy, if it started after arrest, SS seem to love to think it means the mother doesn't understand the severity of the situation.
It is important not to come across as minimising and not to be too argumentative with SS - obviously if they are staying false information or being unreasonable you can challenge but try to be as polite and level headed as possible.
There are courses you can attend to decrease risk to your child. For example NSPCC has a safeguarding course and LFF also has a course for family members. It's important you can confidently state you are able to flag signs of sexual abuse and also understand why and how your partner has offended. You can only safeguard if you know what the risk really is.
In regards to his offending, generally authorities see lying about age as an aggravating factor. In your case, it would be good to know what age kids he was chatting to, how far did he take it, length of offending and how many victims. This way you can challenge his risk by seeing if he's likely to be a risk now or at later stages of the babies life (ie looking at IIOC of infants Vs chatting to 17 year olds - both illegal and serious but will tell about his risk to an infant). Sometimes they also take into account the gender of the baby and the gender of the victims. For example, if he exclusively offended with female children, then his risk to make children can be seen as smaller.
There are some examples of safety plans on this site. Generally if he was allowed contact, it would be important to ensure that he takes no part in personal care and spends absolutely no alone time with the baby. Understanding that if something happened to the baby, it would be difficult to flag if you weren't watching is important.
As you have such a short time to birth, discuss the possibility of bringing another birth partner who can supervise your partner. You would have to tell this person what your person is under suspicion for. Please start looking for another birth partner/doula for the possibility that your partner won't be allowed to attend.
Last but not least. It is so easy for us partners (especially when you're pregnant, I was pregnant at the knock) to think that our loved ones don't pose a risk. I like to think that in a way, everyone poses a risk but at least my partner is a known risk and therefore I can prepare for it. You also need to have absolute clarity on what's he's done so you can make a decision within yourself if he truly is safe around your baby. It is horrible to have your dreams of family unit disappear but I promise you, when you start bonding with your baby, all the pain will be worth it.
Please feel free to pm me x
I'm not sure if this helps, but I just wanted to explain a few things. Police work on evidence but social services work on the basis of probability. This means that SS doesn't need to be able to prove an allegation is true to be able to put safeguards in place for a child. As your partner is under investigation for IIOC and sexual communication with under 18s, they seem your child to be at risk of sexual abuse. Did you tell your mid-wife about the investigation at any point? Did you get pregnant before or after arrest?
Generally if you have told your midwife, they should've reported to SS then meaning you would have had more time to prep. Similarly with the pregnancy, if it started after arrest, SS seem to love to think it means the mother doesn't understand the severity of the situation.
It is important not to come across as minimising and not to be too argumentative with SS - obviously if they are staying false information or being unreasonable you can challenge but try to be as polite and level headed as possible.
There are courses you can attend to decrease risk to your child. For example NSPCC has a safeguarding course and LFF also has a course for family members. It's important you can confidently state you are able to flag signs of sexual abuse and also understand why and how your partner has offended. You can only safeguard if you know what the risk really is.
In regards to his offending, generally authorities see lying about age as an aggravating factor. In your case, it would be good to know what age kids he was chatting to, how far did he take it, length of offending and how many victims. This way you can challenge his risk by seeing if he's likely to be a risk now or at later stages of the babies life (ie looking at IIOC of infants Vs chatting to 17 year olds - both illegal and serious but will tell about his risk to an infant). Sometimes they also take into account the gender of the baby and the gender of the victims. For example, if he exclusively offended with female children, then his risk to make children can be seen as smaller.
There are some examples of safety plans on this site. Generally if he was allowed contact, it would be important to ensure that he takes no part in personal care and spends absolutely no alone time with the baby. Understanding that if something happened to the baby, it would be difficult to flag if you weren't watching is important.
As you have such a short time to birth, discuss the possibility of bringing another birth partner who can supervise your partner. You would have to tell this person what your person is under suspicion for. Please start looking for another birth partner/doula for the possibility that your partner won't be allowed to attend.
Last but not least. It is so easy for us partners (especially when you're pregnant, I was pregnant at the knock) to think that our loved ones don't pose a risk. I like to think that in a way, everyone poses a risk but at least my partner is a known risk and therefore I can prepare for it. You also need to have absolute clarity on what's he's done so you can make a decision within yourself if he truly is safe around your baby. It is horrible to have your dreams of family unit disappear but I promise you, when you start bonding with your baby, all the pain will be worth it.
Please feel free to pm me x
Hi, I went to see a solicitor after I was told my two children aged 12 and 14 at the time, couldn't have any contact with the ex whatsoever. I couldn't understand it because when I visited him in prison, the visiting hall was full of young kids visiting other prisoners, literally feet away from the ex! The solicitor told me in no uncertain terms to back off because the SS's would see me as not wanting to protect kids. The problem is, that's literally ALL that matters which is of course correct. It just doesn't help our situations often because we are the ones left holding the baby - literally. My children weren't allowed any contact, no visits, No calls, no letters. When they each turned 16, they were allowed calls and eventually supervised contact (supervised by me). It wasn't until they were 18 that all these restrictions didn't apply anymore. It caused my kids an awful lot of upset. All his offending was online images. I think you're going to have a battle on your hands with them letting your babies Dad into the picture but you need to be really careful not to make SS's suspicious of you. I'm so sorry. I hope you have someone who can be at the birth with you and that it all goes smoothly. Much love. Xx