Children asking what their family member have done...what to tell them and when?
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Has anyone decided to be honest and tell their children exactly what their family member has done?
If so what exactly did you tell them was it the brutally honest version or the watered down version and why?
What age did you decide to tell them?
What made you decide to tell them?
I am all over the place right now it has been nearly 2 years since the knock and my OH was arrested on suspicion of downloading IIOC, the investigation is still ongoing and I feel like we are all in Limbo at the moment! The biggest thing on my mind at present is whether or not to tell our children! Our daughter 9 is quite switched on and keeps asking what her Dad has done that means he can't come home, they can't be with him unsupervised etc. and so far I've managed to avoid telling her the full truth, she is aware that he was arrested and that there is a possibility of prison as a worst case scenario but aside from that we (mainly I) have only told her that he has done something bad partially because I don't want to ruin her view of him but also because I feel she needs to have a childhood without that on her mind but now I am questioning whether that is actually doing more harm than good. I am also terrified she will hear it from someone else if it all comes out and not from myself, him or even the both of us together and I know she would not forgive either of us for not telling her first.
Any advice would be appreciated as I am so unsure of how to handle this especially with her asking what specifically he has done, it has thrown me a little to say the least!
If so what exactly did you tell them was it the brutally honest version or the watered down version and why?
What age did you decide to tell them?
What made you decide to tell them?
I am all over the place right now it has been nearly 2 years since the knock and my OH was arrested on suspicion of downloading IIOC, the investigation is still ongoing and I feel like we are all in Limbo at the moment! The biggest thing on my mind at present is whether or not to tell our children! Our daughter 9 is quite switched on and keeps asking what her Dad has done that means he can't come home, they can't be with him unsupervised etc. and so far I've managed to avoid telling her the full truth, she is aware that he was arrested and that there is a possibility of prison as a worst case scenario but aside from that we (mainly I) have only told her that he has done something bad partially because I don't want to ruin her view of him but also because I feel she needs to have a childhood without that on her mind but now I am questioning whether that is actually doing more harm than good. I am also terrified she will hear it from someone else if it all comes out and not from myself, him or even the both of us together and I know she would not forgive either of us for not telling her first.
Any advice would be appreciated as I am so unsure of how to handle this especially with her asking what specifically he has done, it has thrown me a little to say the least!
My son's offence was communication. His 9 year old daughter knows what he did, knows why he now lives with us and why their marriage ended. She also knows that he can't have unsupervised contact with children and most importantly she knows that she is loved by us all. She chooses to spend time with my son and we make sure we are around to supervise their days together.
9 is a tricky age. Your daughter sounds pretty mature and I sense from your concerns about wanting her to have a childhood that she will ponder on this until she has an answer that she can process.
I was told that when thinking about disclosing it's good to plan for both of you to do it. Apparently it reduces the emotional impact on the child.
How aware is she of internet safety? Could you explain that dad broke the safety rules and then see what questions arise from that? Does she have an understanding about sex and adult relationships and why it's not appropriate for children to be involved in such things?
Something that I will look at when we disclose to our daughter is to be able to give her a few trusted adults who know the situation and feel comfortable answering any follow up questions. I'll signpost her to these adults for if she has anything she wants to know but doesn't feel able to ask us. This will hopefully prevent her going to her friends for answers and possibly causing her to experience being isolated or any bullying etc xxx
I was told that when thinking about disclosing it's good to plan for both of you to do it. Apparently it reduces the emotional impact on the child.
How aware is she of internet safety? Could you explain that dad broke the safety rules and then see what questions arise from that? Does she have an understanding about sex and adult relationships and why it's not appropriate for children to be involved in such things?
Something that I will look at when we disclose to our daughter is to be able to give her a few trusted adults who know the situation and feel comfortable answering any follow up questions. I'll signpost her to these adults for if she has anything she wants to know but doesn't feel able to ask us. This will hopefully prevent her going to her friends for answers and possibly causing her to experience being isolated or any bullying etc xxx
As a child certain things were kept from me (with good intentions mostly) and I think it caused a lot of hurt personally. Mine are 9 and 12 and I've been as honest as is age appropriate. Their dad is supportive of this. We're still waiting on forensics, so they know what he claims is the case, but I've also been honest that I don't 100% know if he's telling the truth. Its really hard, but I keep thinking about how they'll look back on this as adults and the values I want them to have (I can't ask from honesty from them once they hit their teens if I don't give them that honesty). They still love their dad and want to see him, but it'll be their choice how they relate to him in the longrun.
I have a child the same age we are just past sentencing now which took 2 year but when they were only 7 I could only really say dad had done something bad online and looked at things he shouldn't be looking at as she has got older she understands more as I educate her about keeping herself safe online and not chatting to anyone she doesn't know or give information out. I wanted to be honest as I could incase it got out and that I could tell her in a way I think she understands more. It's really hard having the conversation but feel if they know they can't get any nasty shocks off anyone or overhear anything that may shock them. X
Hi, I kind of had no choice but to tell my children who were aged 12,14, 18 and 19 at the time because the police arrested him in from of my two youngest and he was remanded.
With my 12 year old son, who was a real gentle, thoughtful boy, I talked to him about sex which lead onto porn which lead onto IIOC. I did it in really basic terms saying that looking at images of naked children on the internet is illegal and a very very serious offense. my older three daughters I was able to share more about what he'd done. My youngest weren't allowed any contact whatsoever with him until age 16. It was devastating. Xx
With my 12 year old son, who was a real gentle, thoughtful boy, I talked to him about sex which lead onto porn which lead onto IIOC. I did it in really basic terms saying that looking at images of naked children on the internet is illegal and a very very serious offense. my older three daughters I was able to share more about what he'd done. My youngest weren't allowed any contact whatsoever with him until age 16. It was devastating. Xx
My daughter knows it all and has had a psychologist from day one also, she was 13 at the knock, oh had no restrictions around our daughter only not allowed her friends round without parents but was able to be alone with daughter and still live with us. Our daughter was at home at the knock whilst her and her dad's relationship has been damaged I sometimes think its more a dad and daughter thing as a typical teenager, she will never forgive her dad for what happened but does appreciate the change in him they are doing a lot more now without me being there than previous
My 9 year old knows that dad lives in a different house and it's because of work. She doesn't really ask questions anymore and we spend alot of time together as a family. I do feel like I should start telling her more but I'm so scared to as I know it would break her heart.
Hi, my child was 9 when we got the knock.
MInitially just told them dad had left but he was extremely unsettled and knew he wasn't getting the full story, as you say pretty switched on!
He also spoke to school counsellor and said how much he was struggling at not knowing why dad had suddenly left. I decided to tell him a simplified version that his dad had looked at inappropriate things online (lots of swearing, violence, rude things). We spoke about keeping safe online at the same time. I said the police had taken the pc to check how 'naughty' these things were and decide on the consequences for been naughty. Son asked if dad would go to jail and I said unlikely more likely dad would get a fine. I said that until the police had made a decision that dad wasn't allowed to be alone with him....he settled down a bit after this saying he felt better now he understood it more. He counselling also reported back he felt better filling in the gaps.
A stumbling block I did hit a few months later was my son became very angry and began blaming the police, so we had another chat that the police were responsible for keeping us all safe and dad's actions had consequences.
I think once the case goes to court (son may be 11 so older) I will have to give son a few more details or answer some more sensitive questions!
I do keep an ongoing open conversation about things as we progress through this journey. I found having the school on board helped as another adult he could safely talk to - definitely recommend this before you speak to kids.
All the best x
MInitially just told them dad had left but he was extremely unsettled and knew he wasn't getting the full story, as you say pretty switched on!
He also spoke to school counsellor and said how much he was struggling at not knowing why dad had suddenly left. I decided to tell him a simplified version that his dad had looked at inappropriate things online (lots of swearing, violence, rude things). We spoke about keeping safe online at the same time. I said the police had taken the pc to check how 'naughty' these things were and decide on the consequences for been naughty. Son asked if dad would go to jail and I said unlikely more likely dad would get a fine. I said that until the police had made a decision that dad wasn't allowed to be alone with him....he settled down a bit after this saying he felt better now he understood it more. He counselling also reported back he felt better filling in the gaps.
A stumbling block I did hit a few months later was my son became very angry and began blaming the police, so we had another chat that the police were responsible for keeping us all safe and dad's actions had consequences.
I think once the case goes to court (son may be 11 so older) I will have to give son a few more details or answer some more sensitive questions!
I do keep an ongoing open conversation about things as we progress through this journey. I found having the school on board helped as another adult he could safely talk to - definitely recommend this before you speak to kids.
All the best x