Where do we go from here?
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So we got the knock 1.5 years ago, husband has been convicted of downloading images and was given a 6 month sentence suspended for 2 years.
We separated immediately and for the first year I was civil to him but very much kept him at arms length. We had been married for 20 years and weren't very happy anyway at the time of his arrest so I took it as a sign that we were over. I thought about divorce but couldn't actually get the strength to go through with it. I told all my friends and family and they have been supportive.
Over the last few months I have started seeing my husband again and he comes over for meals or we go to the cinema etc. We are getting on so much better than we have for years and both really enjoying each other's company. I feel completely conflicted about where to go from here and whether to get back together properly.
Does anyone have experience of coping with this long term? Do you constantly worry that the police will turn up again? How do you cope with friends and family attitude? At the moment I have told very few people I am seeing him and am terrified that people will see me in public with him and judge me. My mum and stepdad have ben very supportive and just want me to be happy but my cousin and sister think I'm crazy. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me for not being more disgusted with him and part of me is loving the new found love we have. Am I taking the easy option to stay with the familiar although he is very flawed? Am I setting myself up for more heart break and trauma in the future? I feel completely torn.
Any advice gratefully received
We separated immediately and for the first year I was civil to him but very much kept him at arms length. We had been married for 20 years and weren't very happy anyway at the time of his arrest so I took it as a sign that we were over. I thought about divorce but couldn't actually get the strength to go through with it. I told all my friends and family and they have been supportive.
Over the last few months I have started seeing my husband again and he comes over for meals or we go to the cinema etc. We are getting on so much better than we have for years and both really enjoying each other's company. I feel completely conflicted about where to go from here and whether to get back together properly.
Does anyone have experience of coping with this long term? Do you constantly worry that the police will turn up again? How do you cope with friends and family attitude? At the moment I have told very few people I am seeing him and am terrified that people will see me in public with him and judge me. My mum and stepdad have ben very supportive and just want me to be happy but my cousin and sister think I'm crazy. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me for not being more disgusted with him and part of me is loving the new found love we have. Am I taking the easy option to stay with the familiar although he is very flawed? Am I setting myself up for more heart break and trauma in the future? I feel completely torn.
Any advice gratefully received
Hi,
we are over three years post sentencing and are working on our relationship. My parents have had the same reaction as yours but other family members can't understand why I'd want to be with him.
It's your life, only you can decide what makes you happy xxx
we are over three years post sentencing and are working on our relationship. My parents have had the same reaction as yours but other family members can't understand why I'd want to be with him.
It's your life, only you can decide what makes you happy xxx
I sometimes feel it'd be so much easier if we could just switch off the love we have for a person. But whilst some can, some cannot - neither is right / neither is wrong.
You must follow your heart and providing everyone is safe, do what makes you happy x
You must follow your heart and providing everyone is safe, do what makes you happy x
I've separated. Still in contact though. One of the reasons I gave was I couldn't live the rest of my.life with this hanging over our heads. I believe I/we would be waiting for it to come back and bite us in some form or another.
Hi, a year after the knock I moved abroad to get away from it all. I lasted a year but had to come back as my kids hated it. By then my ex was out of prison. We've been best friends for 30 years and were married for 17, had four children. I divorced him within the first year. Ever since I got back we have been best friends just like we've always been. All my friends disappeared either because I "must've known " or because I visited him in prison. We will never be a couple again but have ticked along. I really believed he would never, ever put us through this again. However, two years ago he reoffended and is about to go back to prison. It's literally almost killed me. I love him very much and I suppose I always will. He didn't choose what he is but he acted upon it. Once could be forgiven, but twice is a different story. He's put us through hell and I lost everything because of him. I'm going to have to be really brave when he goes back to prison and try to move on without him. One thing I've learned though, I literally couldn't care less what anyone thinks about him, me or us (unless it's abusive). No one has the right to judge because they simply have no clue how they would react if it happened to them. They might think they know, but they really don't. You only have one shot at this life, do what you think is right. Xx
I'm still in the waiting-on-forensics stage, but I know I'll get divorced if it turns out that OH has intentionally sought this stuff out. I just couldn't live with it longterm. Leaving aside horror at the offence and the lies, part of it is wondering how my children might feel about me down the road, part of it is fear of another Knock. On the other hand, I've read that reoffending is fairly rare statistically, and I absolutely don't judge people who stay with partners who are genuinely remorseful and accountable and working really hard on turning themselves around. What kind of support is he seeking to avoid reoffending?
Thank you so much girls, it does help so much to know there are others in a similar position.
I think time will tell as to how much I can trust him and how much I really want to be with him long term. Unfortunately I don't believe many people can change entirely but anyone can be the best or worst version of themselves given the right circumstances.
Other people are tricky, unfortunately it does affect me what they think or how they behave. I'm lucky to have one or two lovely supportive people in my life. This kind of experience can show you a different side to some people which is quite illuminating.
I'm going to keep him slightly at arms length for as long as possible and make the final decision when I feel ready.
I think time will tell as to how much I can trust him and how much I really want to be with him long term. Unfortunately I don't believe many people can change entirely but anyone can be the best or worst version of themselves given the right circumstances.
Other people are tricky, unfortunately it does affect me what they think or how they behave. I'm lucky to have one or two lovely supportive people in my life. This kind of experience can show you a different side to some people which is quite illuminating.
I'm going to keep him slightly at arms length for as long as possible and make the final decision when I feel ready.
Hi, I am very new here and can't believe what I am going through at the mo. I literally haven't told anyone anything and am nervous about writing this message.
My fiancé had 'The Knock' Saturday morning at 8am. I have never had police at my door so that alone was scary & shocking enough. I still don't actually know exactly what it was that he was arrested for? Every question I asked the police, I kept getting the same 'we can't tell you that' answer. All I have been told is that he has supposedly sent online messages 1-2yrs ago and apparently the police found inappropriate sexual content with reference towards 'possibly' a child in the messages?
He has been released on bail but the conditions are that he is not allowed near my home address and is not allowed to make contact with my teenage children and is not allowed to be alone with anyone under the age for 18.
Mine and my childrens world has been flipped upside down and I am so hurt, confused & sad about it all. It feels like some kind of bad dream. The worst bit is, is that we are meant to be getting married at the end of August this year. I am not even sure how I feel or what is happening or even if the wedding will go ahead or get cancelled? I do wish none of this was happening. Life was so perfect up until 3 days ago.
My fiancé had 'The Knock' Saturday morning at 8am. I have never had police at my door so that alone was scary & shocking enough. I still don't actually know exactly what it was that he was arrested for? Every question I asked the police, I kept getting the same 'we can't tell you that' answer. All I have been told is that he has supposedly sent online messages 1-2yrs ago and apparently the police found inappropriate sexual content with reference towards 'possibly' a child in the messages?
He has been released on bail but the conditions are that he is not allowed near my home address and is not allowed to make contact with my teenage children and is not allowed to be alone with anyone under the age for 18.
Mine and my childrens world has been flipped upside down and I am so hurt, confused & sad about it all. It feels like some kind of bad dream. The worst bit is, is that we are meant to be getting married at the end of August this year. I am not even sure how I feel or what is happening or even if the wedding will go ahead or get cancelled? I do wish none of this was happening. Life was so perfect up until 3 days ago.
Hi K80,
Im sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are safe to talk here. Unfortunately, the Police don't tend to be very helpful to the partner and although we feel very much like victims, in their eyes we aren't. The police process can be very long winded. I guess you'll have contact from Social Services at some point asking about the situation. They will want to know if you can keep your children safe. It's completely normal to feel like the questions they are asking are ridiculous even outrageous. Try to stay calm and give the facts. This side of things can be long winded too. They are only interested in keeping the children safe, they aren't interested in much else. If you want and can afford it, get a solicitor. If the Police call your partner in for a "chat" in the future, make sure he has a solicitor. You can always ring the helpline and they will help you and also read all the posts we've written. I first got The Knock 7 years ago and there was next to no information available at that time at all. I'm going through this for a second time at the moment so I understand how you must be feeling. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. 50% of partners who are convicted of this sort of crime stand by them, just so you know. All the best to you. Xx
Im sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are safe to talk here. Unfortunately, the Police don't tend to be very helpful to the partner and although we feel very much like victims, in their eyes we aren't. The police process can be very long winded. I guess you'll have contact from Social Services at some point asking about the situation. They will want to know if you can keep your children safe. It's completely normal to feel like the questions they are asking are ridiculous even outrageous. Try to stay calm and give the facts. This side of things can be long winded too. They are only interested in keeping the children safe, they aren't interested in much else. If you want and can afford it, get a solicitor. If the Police call your partner in for a "chat" in the future, make sure he has a solicitor. You can always ring the helpline and they will help you and also read all the posts we've written. I first got The Knock 7 years ago and there was next to no information available at that time at all. I'm going through this for a second time at the moment so I understand how you must be feeling. There are no right or wrong ways to feel. 50% of partners who are convicted of this sort of crime stand by them, just so you know. All the best to you. Xx