Feeling stuck! Need help
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Hi all, so my story is.... my partner got arrested in 2016 for having indecent images. We have a little boy who at the time was 18 months old. He got bail, ss said all contact had to be supervised whilst assessments took place. My partner was sentenced to 100 hours community service, 3 years probation and 5 years on the register.
With social, my partner under went a psycho sexual assessment done by LLF.
It came out he was a low risk, didn't have a pedophyllic appearance or attitude. He would be allowed to move home as long as I put safeguarding in place, and underwent a parent protect assessment. Which I did.
My partner moved home in 2017, my son was removed off the child protection register, and ss closed the case on the terms that I was in seeing and hearing distance supervising.
Fast forward to now, my partner completed his horizon course and his probation went back to ss asking for unsupervised contact, she had a reply saying no more assessments were taking place and the case wasn't going to be reopened, this was 16th December last year, my partner had 2 weeks unsupervised and then hv came to see us, we told her of the news, she had to check up, guess what?? Ss have no recollection of the reply to probation. Back to supervised we were.
I didn't get along with the new sw as I felt she was very negative, in the end I broke down and said I didn't care about the unsupervised but I've been lied too, as the previous sw we had wrote it down that we could go for it.
She understood and now she has said it's going back to a child protection conference.
Basically because they can't give us a yes answer, but because the previous sw has written it they have to do something.
The sw has already said that her manager doesn't want unsupervised to happen.
We have a solicitor, but she is based further away from us, who has supported us, but now we've informed her of the date and place of to where the conference is, she is now saying, she is not covered for that far of distance. It's only 2 weeks away! We have no idea what to do!
The sw has said her recommendations is going to be another assessment done as to whether unsupervised can go ahead for our son and for future children.
If anyone can help me or been in a similar situation, please please comment, I'm having councilling but I'm struggling in the meantime. I have appointments which I can only attend if I take my son out of school and take him with me as there is no one else to pick him up!
With social, my partner under went a psycho sexual assessment done by LLF.
It came out he was a low risk, didn't have a pedophyllic appearance or attitude. He would be allowed to move home as long as I put safeguarding in place, and underwent a parent protect assessment. Which I did.
My partner moved home in 2017, my son was removed off the child protection register, and ss closed the case on the terms that I was in seeing and hearing distance supervising.
Fast forward to now, my partner completed his horizon course and his probation went back to ss asking for unsupervised contact, she had a reply saying no more assessments were taking place and the case wasn't going to be reopened, this was 16th December last year, my partner had 2 weeks unsupervised and then hv came to see us, we told her of the news, she had to check up, guess what?? Ss have no recollection of the reply to probation. Back to supervised we were.
I didn't get along with the new sw as I felt she was very negative, in the end I broke down and said I didn't care about the unsupervised but I've been lied too, as the previous sw we had wrote it down that we could go for it.
She understood and now she has said it's going back to a child protection conference.
Basically because they can't give us a yes answer, but because the previous sw has written it they have to do something.
The sw has already said that her manager doesn't want unsupervised to happen.
We have a solicitor, but she is based further away from us, who has supported us, but now we've informed her of the date and place of to where the conference is, she is now saying, she is not covered for that far of distance. It's only 2 weeks away! We have no idea what to do!
The sw has said her recommendations is going to be another assessment done as to whether unsupervised can go ahead for our son and for future children.
If anyone can help me or been in a similar situation, please please comment, I'm having councilling but I'm struggling in the meantime. I have appointments which I can only attend if I take my son out of school and take him with me as there is no one else to pick him up!
Hello
sorry you are in such a predicament. It is so frustrating to be in the control of others when you feel you have done everything they have said. I am still in the “under investigation “ stage and am still in the CP conferences hell.
my experience is that SS are very unlikely to feel comfortable with unsupervised contact and you will be hard pressed to get that at this stage, especially with a manager who doesn’t agreee with it. It is frustrating that your solicitor can’t make the CP Conference. I don’t understand why they can’t attend as my solicitor attends mine and i pay for the travel costs and time to get there. Though remember that your solicitor can’t speak for you at the CP conference anyway - just ensure that they are able to go through the assessment report with you before the Conference and help you draft a response that you can read out at the conference.
one thing to work towards may be that you get to a compromise in the end that they will eventually close the case and you agree to “appropriate “ contact. That might mean that you won’t let him have any overnights without you there but as your child gets older they can have unsupervised in the community. But the key will be that they trust you to facilitate contact in an appropriate way in the future as they trust you as a protective parent.
i know you have been going through this crap for ages, but try and hold it together and try not to appear desperate and antagonistic. Unfortunately it’s you who is under the microscope and you need to appear strong and capable. Even when it is SS who are usually in chaos, not you, smile and appear open with them. At some point in the conference it might be helpful to ask which professional at the meeting has had any training on IIOC - most professionals haven’t had and are talking outside of their professional knowledge. You may want to point out that those professionals trained in this field have deemed your partner low risk after extensive evaluations.
good luck x
sorry you are in such a predicament. It is so frustrating to be in the control of others when you feel you have done everything they have said. I am still in the “under investigation “ stage and am still in the CP conferences hell.
my experience is that SS are very unlikely to feel comfortable with unsupervised contact and you will be hard pressed to get that at this stage, especially with a manager who doesn’t agreee with it. It is frustrating that your solicitor can’t make the CP Conference. I don’t understand why they can’t attend as my solicitor attends mine and i pay for the travel costs and time to get there. Though remember that your solicitor can’t speak for you at the CP conference anyway - just ensure that they are able to go through the assessment report with you before the Conference and help you draft a response that you can read out at the conference.
one thing to work towards may be that you get to a compromise in the end that they will eventually close the case and you agree to “appropriate “ contact. That might mean that you won’t let him have any overnights without you there but as your child gets older they can have unsupervised in the community. But the key will be that they trust you to facilitate contact in an appropriate way in the future as they trust you as a protective parent.
i know you have been going through this crap for ages, but try and hold it together and try not to appear desperate and antagonistic. Unfortunately it’s you who is under the microscope and you need to appear strong and capable. Even when it is SS who are usually in chaos, not you, smile and appear open with them. At some point in the conference it might be helpful to ask which professional at the meeting has had any training on IIOC - most professionals haven’t had and are talking outside of their professional knowledge. You may want to point out that those professionals trained in this field have deemed your partner low risk after extensive evaluations.
good luck x
Thank you so much for your reply, that does all make more sense! We will try to do this with the solicitor, and see what we get from them, I'm so sorry your going through the conferences, they are hell! I agree.
Can I ask what your solicitor did at the conferences?
We're they allowed to vote?
Sorry to ask many questions, our boy is now 4 and I've drilled into him, no secrets and doing alot of safeguarding work with him about keeping himself safe and if he's scared to come and tell me, which he does. He hates not going places with his dad as he loves daddy's van!
Thank you for taking the time to read and not judge. I really appreciate it.
Can I ask what your solicitor did at the conferences?
We're they allowed to vote?
Sorry to ask many questions, our boy is now 4 and I've drilled into him, no secrets and doing alot of safeguarding work with him about keeping himself safe and if he's scared to come and tell me, which he does. He hates not going places with his dad as he loves daddy's van!
Thank you for taking the time to read and not judge. I really appreciate it.
Hi
my solicitor just takes notes and occasionally during the conference will whisper something to me to bring up. No, the solicitor doesn’t get a vote. It makes no difference really anyway - I had one CP conference where the vast majority said CiN (only the assessing Sw said CP) and the Chair still went with CP plan. In fact all the way through all other professionals have said CIN but SW says CP. I think they do it tom over their backs.
make sure you write down what you are going to say and read it out - otherwise you will either forget or go “off script”. Write out a “speech” which goes through all the work you have done to keep your son safe. Then your partner needs to do the same. He will be judged (again) by a roomful of people who have no experience in this field so it is important that he too has a “script” and he keeps to it. Make sure you have a copy of his assessment to hand and maybe make copies in case other professionals want to see it. Make sure he reiterates how long ago the offence was and clearly articulates what has changed in that time.
As I said before, if you go all out for unsupervised contact then you may look not protective. So perhaps moderate it for the moment. I think perhaps because your son is so young they would be worried he doesn’t have the “power” to disclose that older children do if something is happening that they don’t like. So just come across as understanding their concerns and be prepared to address them. Also show what controls on the internet you have to make sure your partner doesn’t look at material that your son could inadvertently be exposed to - something about controls on computer, phone and internet.
hope that’s helpful.
my solicitor just takes notes and occasionally during the conference will whisper something to me to bring up. No, the solicitor doesn’t get a vote. It makes no difference really anyway - I had one CP conference where the vast majority said CiN (only the assessing Sw said CP) and the Chair still went with CP plan. In fact all the way through all other professionals have said CIN but SW says CP. I think they do it tom over their backs.
make sure you write down what you are going to say and read it out - otherwise you will either forget or go “off script”. Write out a “speech” which goes through all the work you have done to keep your son safe. Then your partner needs to do the same. He will be judged (again) by a roomful of people who have no experience in this field so it is important that he too has a “script” and he keeps to it. Make sure you have a copy of his assessment to hand and maybe make copies in case other professionals want to see it. Make sure he reiterates how long ago the offence was and clearly articulates what has changed in that time.
As I said before, if you go all out for unsupervised contact then you may look not protective. So perhaps moderate it for the moment. I think perhaps because your son is so young they would be worried he doesn’t have the “power” to disclose that older children do if something is happening that they don’t like. So just come across as understanding their concerns and be prepared to address them. Also show what controls on the internet you have to make sure your partner doesn’t look at material that your son could inadvertently be exposed to - something about controls on computer, phone and internet.
hope that’s helpful.