The earliest of days
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First time poster here and I am in the earliest of days! My OH was arrested just this Thursday.
I feel sick with anxiety and fear, but also have fleeting moments of hope. Should I? Is there anything left to be hopeful for?
We have 2 slightly older children, 10 and 17. He was bailed home but must not stay over night. I know SS will contact next week.
Is there any light at the end of this?
Does everyone find out?
I really want to protect my children and supporting my OH is a part of that.
I feel so scared.
I feel sick with anxiety and fear, but also have fleeting moments of hope. Should I? Is there anything left to be hopeful for?
We have 2 slightly older children, 10 and 17. He was bailed home but must not stay over night. I know SS will contact next week.
Is there any light at the end of this?
Does everyone find out?
I really want to protect my children and supporting my OH is a part of that.
I feel so scared.
We all know how you are feeling. There is plenty of support on here. Just take each day at a time and I promise it gets easier x
This is such a scary time, well done for reaching out.
there is an excellent post in the "understanding why" section which gave me a lot of help on "surviving the early days"
there is also lots of advice on "the world according to the knock" podcast which takes you through lots of the issues.
One of the most helpful things for me in supporting my person was the LFF inform course for partners (which was free), and engaging with StopSo counselling (which I paid for). My person has also completed the LFF course for offenders and has been in StopSO counselling since shortly after the knock; both of which were good for him.
if you are in the south East or South West there is also Circles which will offer support.
Engaging with services like these will help to show social services that you are a protective parent and will help in getting your partner home.
sorry you've joined this club, but there are amazing people on this forum who have helped me in my loneliest hours - you're in the best place
x
there is an excellent post in the "understanding why" section which gave me a lot of help on "surviving the early days"
there is also lots of advice on "the world according to the knock" podcast which takes you through lots of the issues.
One of the most helpful things for me in supporting my person was the LFF inform course for partners (which was free), and engaging with StopSo counselling (which I paid for). My person has also completed the LFF course for offenders and has been in StopSO counselling since shortly after the knock; both of which were good for him.
if you are in the south East or South West there is also Circles which will offer support.
Engaging with services like these will help to show social services that you are a protective parent and will help in getting your partner home.
sorry you've joined this club, but there are amazing people on this forum who have helped me in my loneliest hours - you're in the best place
x
Those first few days are awful and it literally feels like your whole world has ended. We are 6 months down the line and living in limbo. Everything takes such a long time to process and the waiting is hard. It gets a little bit easier to manage but expect days when your emotions overwhelm you. I have learned to just cry if I need to rather than fight it. Everyone on this forum are so lovely and supportive. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself x
I too am so sorry you have found yourself amongst us. We all empathise with the emotional trauma experienced and how this manifests during the early days. This forum truly is a life saver and it connects you to an invaluable support network. Only those who have experienced this journey can fully understand. It does get easier in time but often it's only possible to focus on the day ahead. Much of this journey is out of our control, we didn't ask for it nor can we control what is to come. You will need resilience and support but you will be ok x
So sorry that you have joined us here,but we will support you on the journey.
This is such a dreadful trauma,that stops you in your tracks.
Please engage with LFF & use their helpline to help you process your emotions.
Try to focus on what you know, not what 'might' happen.
It may be a long road ahead & you need to look a after your own welfare.
Best wishes & you are stronger than you ever anticipated.
This is such a dreadful trauma,that stops you in your tracks.
Please engage with LFF & use their helpline to help you process your emotions.
Try to focus on what you know, not what 'might' happen.
It may be a long road ahead & you need to look a after your own welfare.
Best wishes & you are stronger than you ever anticipated.
Hi June and well done for reaching out so early, as others have said it will really help you cope. I remember those early days when you just feel sick all the time and are in fight/flight mode. It does pass, it will get better, just hang in there. My biggest piece of advice at this stage is to not feel that strong urge to tell a friend, I did that and deeply regret it. She reacted badly and that in itself was alot to cope with, on top of the awful situation. Luckily I think she has kept quiet but even so. At the beginning you feel like everyone can tell somethings wrong and you need to disclose, but that too gets easier and now (we are over two years on and still waiting) it's just become the new normal. Life goes on and we just go about our lives with people around us not having a clue what is hanging over us. If you can get through it without telling anyone, I would do it. Make sure though that you are talking to someone, the helpline, or a councellor - the StopSo courses are great and so are their councillors. (Different group to StopitNow), or message people on here.
Sending a huge hug, this is one of life's biggest hurdles, but together we can get to the end of the track where the sun is shining for us all.
Sending a huge hug, this is one of life's biggest hurdles, but together we can get to the end of the track where the sun is shining for us all.
Like everyone else has said, it is heartbreaking when someone else joins our world.
My advice is please be kind to yourself. Reach out to the helpline, see if you can get yourself on the inform course, reach out to your GP if you feel it would be helpful, self refer to IAPT and StopSo are amazing if its something you can fund.
We are all here x I do hope social services goes ok. We get it. We are all living it, you think you are alone but you are not x there are thousands of us all living like this xxx I send much love as you try to place the fragments of your life back together xx
My advice is please be kind to yourself. Reach out to the helpline, see if you can get yourself on the inform course, reach out to your GP if you feel it would be helpful, self refer to IAPT and StopSo are amazing if its something you can fund.
We are all here x I do hope social services goes ok. We get it. We are all living it, you think you are alone but you are not x there are thousands of us all living like this xxx I send much love as you try to place the fragments of your life back together xx
I echo what everyone else has said.
Just to give you a bit of encouragement, our awful journey started at the start of 2023 and I remember when spring arrived and all the flowers were beginning to bloom, blossom budding etc I couldn't have cared less. This spring I enjoyed seeing all these things again and realised that it does get easier (although I know there will be some bumps in the road ahead for us).
You too will feel like this one day just down that bumpy road :) x
Just to give you a bit of encouragement, our awful journey started at the start of 2023 and I remember when spring arrived and all the flowers were beginning to bloom, blossom budding etc I couldn't have cared less. This spring I enjoyed seeing all these things again and realised that it does get easier (although I know there will be some bumps in the road ahead for us).
You too will feel like this one day just down that bumpy road :) x
June x
You are absolutely not alone even though your feeling really overwhelmed, your emotions are normal we totally understand how you are feeling x
Just breathe, take one step at a time and know you are not alone, we are here to offer you support and advice xx
You are absolutely not alone even though your feeling really overwhelmed, your emotions are normal we totally understand how you are feeling x
Just breathe, take one step at a time and know you are not alone, we are here to offer you support and advice xx
Hi June, I just wanted to say I'm here for you too. Like everyone else on here, I've experienced the heartbreaking trauma myself and agree with Rainbow in that things will eventually get easier for you and that one day you'll find yourself humming along to your favourite tunes again.
Look after yourself and know that we're all here to walk your journey with you.
Look after yourself and know that we're all here to walk your journey with you.
Hi June,
You are not alone - like everyone else on here I have experienced the absolute trauma and anxiety of this situation and I know exactly how you are feeling right now.
Take care of yourself and know that we are always here for you xxx
You are not alone - like everyone else on here I have experienced the absolute trauma and anxiety of this situation and I know exactly how you are feeling right now.
Take care of yourself and know that we are always here for you xxx
Thank you all so much for your replies an advice.
I have had to take in a lot of information very quickly, both about this process and about my OH.
He has handed over all his devices and is being investigated for online, pictures, communications... some legal, others not. He said he truley doesnt know how much... we shall see.
He has also final confessed to some past traumas and demons, which I also suspected but could not get him to realise. He has some numbers to call for support and start some therapies, aswell as SAA... Is that all too much at once.
I met with the social worker, who briefly met with the children. She is just starting the checks. I hope that went well. But who knows?
I cant define my relationship any longer, how can I. I do get the impression that they wanted me to say that he was never allowed anywhere near us ever again!
The plan is to tell the children that OH is no longer staying at the house, so I can stop lying. The information we give them will be relevant to their age and what they can process. I also thought about setting a schedule, so my youngest knows when she will be seeing him. Dinner, TV, games, walks etc on certain days. Is that adviseable?
I have got the numbers for LFF, Stop So and Circles. Does anyone have any idea on the cost of these?
OH also contacted some solictors... unsure on their advice. They said that he can only be on bail for a year and then they have to charge? And not to hire a solicter until there is a charge.
I am really trying to focus on what I know and not what will happen, which was some great advice.
I have had to take in a lot of information very quickly, both about this process and about my OH.
He has handed over all his devices and is being investigated for online, pictures, communications... some legal, others not. He said he truley doesnt know how much... we shall see.
He has also final confessed to some past traumas and demons, which I also suspected but could not get him to realise. He has some numbers to call for support and start some therapies, aswell as SAA... Is that all too much at once.
I met with the social worker, who briefly met with the children. She is just starting the checks. I hope that went well. But who knows?
I cant define my relationship any longer, how can I. I do get the impression that they wanted me to say that he was never allowed anywhere near us ever again!
The plan is to tell the children that OH is no longer staying at the house, so I can stop lying. The information we give them will be relevant to their age and what they can process. I also thought about setting a schedule, so my youngest knows when she will be seeing him. Dinner, TV, games, walks etc on certain days. Is that adviseable?
I have got the numbers for LFF, Stop So and Circles. Does anyone have any idea on the cost of these?
OH also contacted some solictors... unsure on their advice. They said that he can only be on bail for a year and then they have to charge? And not to hire a solicter until there is a charge.
I am really trying to focus on what I know and not what will happen, which was some great advice.
June - from our own experiences the LFF course for family members is free although you can make a voluntary donation but no pressure to do that at all. It costs several hundred pounds for the offender but I think they would make allowances so that nobody was excluded for financial reasons. I know that both can be done as an online small group or we did the family course on our own with a LFF person as we could get to where one of their offices was. StopSo therapists charge whatever their going rate is, our son pays £50 for an hour. I don't know about Circles but totally recommend the ones we've done.
Hi June x
Deffinatly call LFF helpline they are amazing it may take some time to get through but persevere, your oh can also phone them, don't worry about been an emotional wreck either, I remember my first call I was a total mess but they were just amazing, My son phoned them also and they recommended an amazing therapist, besides also supporting him
As for SS I cant advise but there are so many wonderful ladies here that can give you some help x
This journey is a long one so just get through a day at a time
As for a solicitor they usually wont be of assistance until you know the charges , one key bit of information is if he has to go in for questioning to ensure there is a solicitor present even a duty solicitor for now
Sending strength and hugs and just know we are here x
Deffinatly call LFF helpline they are amazing it may take some time to get through but persevere, your oh can also phone them, don't worry about been an emotional wreck either, I remember my first call I was a total mess but they were just amazing, My son phoned them also and they recommended an amazing therapist, besides also supporting him
As for SS I cant advise but there are so many wonderful ladies here that can give you some help x
This journey is a long one so just get through a day at a time
As for a solicitor they usually wont be of assistance until you know the charges , one key bit of information is if he has to go in for questioning to ensure there is a solicitor present even a duty solicitor for now
Sending strength and hugs and just know we are here x
So sorry you are with us.
the best advice is look forward one step at a time. Focusing on your children and yourself. Eventually it gets easier. I have confided in 3 very good friends. It's up to you if you want to or not but has helped me immensely. 1 of those friends lives a distance from me so we do voice notes. That helped me process it. She got the tears, anger, relief, sadness she's been on the journey with me.
trust your instincts as well.
the best advice is look forward one step at a time. Focusing on your children and yourself. Eventually it gets easier. I have confided in 3 very good friends. It's up to you if you want to or not but has helped me immensely. 1 of those friends lives a distance from me so we do voice notes. That helped me process it. She got the tears, anger, relief, sadness she's been on the journey with me.
trust your instincts as well.
Hi June
ActsFast offers counselling for families of offenders and they charge based on income. So you can access their services for very cheap/free if you're on low income.
ActsFast offers counselling for families of offenders and they charge based on income. So you can access their services for very cheap/free if you're on low income.