Stressed, Anxious and Angry!
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Hi all, sadly I have come to join your club.
My son is due in court imminently but he is most definitely burying his head in the sand and it is making this awful journey so much more difficult and stressful!
Even though his solicitor advises him that custodial is an option he outright feels that it will not happen to him. He was shocked and bewildered that it has gone to court. In his little world it was a first offence, never done anythlike it before and never will again, therefore he felt a caution would suffice! My son is an educated adult but is choosing to absolutely not acknowledge what an awful situation we are in.
The offence is communication, no iioc at all. No child involved as it was an undercover police officer, however they were portraying to be a 13 yr old child.
Agencies involved are not being very helpful and at this point we still don't have the probation report, which I understand is what the judge will use for sentencing, so I'm guessing court may end up being postponed?
Not quite sure what I am asking for via this post, but for the first time I feel able to say it as it is without being judged. I have read many posts on here and I have been on the edge of sharing with close friends, but I have taken on board what others on here are saying and have therefore kept it all to myself.
thank you for reading, thank you all for sharing, I know I am not alone, but this is a very lonely and anxious place to be.
My son is due in court imminently but he is most definitely burying his head in the sand and it is making this awful journey so much more difficult and stressful!
Even though his solicitor advises him that custodial is an option he outright feels that it will not happen to him. He was shocked and bewildered that it has gone to court. In his little world it was a first offence, never done anythlike it before and never will again, therefore he felt a caution would suffice! My son is an educated adult but is choosing to absolutely not acknowledge what an awful situation we are in.
The offence is communication, no iioc at all. No child involved as it was an undercover police officer, however they were portraying to be a 13 yr old child.
Agencies involved are not being very helpful and at this point we still don't have the probation report, which I understand is what the judge will use for sentencing, so I'm guessing court may end up being postponed?
Not quite sure what I am asking for via this post, but for the first time I feel able to say it as it is without being judged. I have read many posts on here and I have been on the edge of sharing with close friends, but I have taken on board what others on here are saying and have therefore kept it all to myself.
thank you for reading, thank you all for sharing, I know I am not alone, but this is a very lonely and anxious place to be.
So sorry that you have come to join us on this horrible journey
Please encourage your son to enrol on the LFF course & a letter/ statement from the family,is always received well in court.
You would also benefit hugely by contacting the LFF helpline as a safe place to help you process your emotions & guide you through.
If this is a first offence,emphasise the support of the family & previous good character.
Several of us are supporting our sons . Mine is 29,single & now returned home unemployed. We have to build him up again.
In support
Please encourage your son to enrol on the LFF course & a letter/ statement from the family,is always received well in court.
You would also benefit hugely by contacting the LFF helpline as a safe place to help you process your emotions & guide you through.
If this is a first offence,emphasise the support of the family & previous good character.
Several of us are supporting our sons . Mine is 29,single & now returned home unemployed. We have to build him up again.
In support
EBP - thank you for the info, I will pass this on to him.
not sure what the future holds for him, it is a first offence & we have all done letters for court, he is undertaking counselling too.
he rents where he lives & should the worst happen and he gets a custodial I am terrified of what will happen to him on release as he will obviously lose him home. It's all such a mess.
not sure what the future holds for him, it is a first offence & we have all done letters for court, he is undertaking counselling too.
he rents where he lives & should the worst happen and he gets a custodial I am terrified of what will happen to him on release as he will obviously lose him home. It's all such a mess.
Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this.
This is just my experience but I wanted to tell you so you can see that there are so many factors that go into the end result.
So much depends on so many things. Did the person admit what they were accused of straight away? Did they show remorse? Did they have a clean record? How engaged is the Solicicitor and Barrister. It's quite a different experience enlisting one's own solicitor than having a Legal Aid one (just my opinion). The list goes on.
I'm my persons case, it was his first offence. He was a very well known and respected person within the community and educated to degree level. I wrote to the Judge explaining who I thought my person was, who he was with me and our children. My person was remanded and admitted what he'd done straight away. He cooperated throughout and showed a lot of remorse. His crime was IIOC downloading, uploading, making and sharing, all grades. He was sentenced to three years in prison and he served 18 months and then had 18 months of crap from Probation.
These crimes are taken extremely seriously now, whether they are images, contract offending or communicating with a decoy. You can see the sentencing guidelines online but they are complex but they do give an idea of what happen.
My person wasn't allowed any contact whatsoever with our children, no visits, no calls and no letters. I lost everything because of what he did. Like I said I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Keep talking here though as it's the best place for information and support.
This is just my experience but I wanted to tell you so you can see that there are so many factors that go into the end result.
So much depends on so many things. Did the person admit what they were accused of straight away? Did they show remorse? Did they have a clean record? How engaged is the Solicicitor and Barrister. It's quite a different experience enlisting one's own solicitor than having a Legal Aid one (just my opinion). The list goes on.
I'm my persons case, it was his first offence. He was a very well known and respected person within the community and educated to degree level. I wrote to the Judge explaining who I thought my person was, who he was with me and our children. My person was remanded and admitted what he'd done straight away. He cooperated throughout and showed a lot of remorse. His crime was IIOC downloading, uploading, making and sharing, all grades. He was sentenced to three years in prison and he served 18 months and then had 18 months of crap from Probation.
These crimes are taken extremely seriously now, whether they are images, contract offending or communicating with a decoy. You can see the sentencing guidelines online but they are complex but they do give an idea of what happen.
My person wasn't allowed any contact whatsoever with our children, no visits, no calls and no letters. I lost everything because of what he did. Like I said I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Keep talking here though as it's the best place for information and support.
Hi, I'm here too because of my son so I know the pain you're going through. My son was married with children and in a good job when he offended. He is now single and living back home with his Dad and I and working hard on being a good Dad to his children and starting his life again.
We were also told that custodial was a possiblility and went to court with what we called his 'just in case' bag all packed. Fortunately he received a 2 year suspended sentence, with 300 hours community service, a fine and 10 years SHPO and SOR.
Having gone through the worst couple of years I can now say that life does eventually start to feel a bit better. Feel free to message me if you want any other information.
We were also told that custodial was a possiblility and went to court with what we called his 'just in case' bag all packed. Fortunately he received a 2 year suspended sentence, with 300 hours community service, a fine and 10 years SHPO and SOR.
Having gone through the worst couple of years I can now say that life does eventually start to feel a bit better. Feel free to message me if you want any other information.
Hi LittleRobin3
He admitted the offence immediately, but he's so naive that he didn't even ring anyone during the original arrest, neither did he get any legal advice.
he now has legal aid. He pleaded guilty at the first hearing at magistrates. He has written a letter of remorse, family have done character references, he's engaging in counselling too. He has signed up to the StopSo forum for offenders.
It's just the waiting game now. Court is tomorrow but still no PSR! So unless it's ordered during the hearing I'm guessing we will have to go back again.
It really is taking it's toll but having this arena to chat is helping, so thank you all for listening and sharing your info and outcomes.
He admitted the offence immediately, but he's so naive that he didn't even ring anyone during the original arrest, neither did he get any legal advice.
he now has legal aid. He pleaded guilty at the first hearing at magistrates. He has written a letter of remorse, family have done character references, he's engaging in counselling too. He has signed up to the StopSo forum for offenders.
It's just the waiting game now. Court is tomorrow but still no PSR! So unless it's ordered during the hearing I'm guessing we will have to go back again.
It really is taking it's toll but having this arena to chat is helping, so thank you all for listening and sharing your info and outcomes.
Hi
My son in court these Tuesday, for communication with decoy, but it was not police it was vagilantes
My son in court these Tuesday, for communication with decoy, but it was not police it was vagilantes
After the huge build up, sleepless nights and feeling sick the case has now been adjourned because of many administrative errors.
No PSR and even the prosecution had failed to provide enough information.
we now have to wait another 3 months for it to go back to court. Now none of this seems proportionate to the offence. I honestly feel so low. When do the repetitive thoughts stop interrupting sleep? When does life start feeling normal again?
No PSR and even the prosecution had failed to provide enough information.
we now have to wait another 3 months for it to go back to court. Now none of this seems proportionate to the offence. I honestly feel so low. When do the repetitive thoughts stop interrupting sleep? When does life start feeling normal again?
Athena - I am so sorry for all the mental stress that this is causing you. Without minimising the dreadful truth about the actual offences, it's a scandal that the inefficiency of those saying they want to put an end to child sexual abuse and punish the offenders can give those connected to cases as much mental torment as the actual arrest in many cases. And with no consequences for them and their families either.
Sometimes I wonder if we should all sue the police, courts etc for their emotional abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour, neglect etc towards many of us.
As for the intrusive thoughts, yes they do get less intrusive as life continues although for me they often pop up from nowhere to bit me on the bum when I'm not expecting it. I liken it to the first weeks being like a tsunami of awfulness sweeping you along so it dominates absolutely everything but then becomes like the ocean with the occasional rogue wave that takes you by surprise and knocks you flying. I'm waiting for the tide to go right out and stay out, but I guess like the real tide that is never going to happen!
It's situations like you're now in where looking after your mental health is so vital. I've just done several weeks of something called 'silvercloud' via our local NHS talking therapies which has been really good. I didn't want 1:1 counselling or even a group session but this was all DIY online with a weekly checkin from a supervisor who sent me further links of things she thought might help. I was reluctant to do it but my daughter encouraged me and I did it to please her and was so glad I did.
All the best and lots of empathy coming your way as another mum stuck waiting!
Sometimes I wonder if we should all sue the police, courts etc for their emotional abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour, neglect etc towards many of us.
As for the intrusive thoughts, yes they do get less intrusive as life continues although for me they often pop up from nowhere to bit me on the bum when I'm not expecting it. I liken it to the first weeks being like a tsunami of awfulness sweeping you along so it dominates absolutely everything but then becomes like the ocean with the occasional rogue wave that takes you by surprise and knocks you flying. I'm waiting for the tide to go right out and stay out, but I guess like the real tide that is never going to happen!
It's situations like you're now in where looking after your mental health is so vital. I've just done several weeks of something called 'silvercloud' via our local NHS talking therapies which has been really good. I didn't want 1:1 counselling or even a group session but this was all DIY online with a weekly checkin from a supervisor who sent me further links of things she thought might help. I was reluctant to do it but my daughter encouraged me and I did it to please her and was so glad I did.
All the best and lots of empathy coming your way as another mum stuck waiting!
Thank you rainyday52.
I will look up that particular course, it sounds like something I'd do. I'm not one for group talking and would dread the thought of 1 to1 and the absolute trauma and raw emotions it would unearth.
The Judge was very apologetic and did give the prosecution a hard time for their lack of preparation. However you still walk out of there alone with the stress & anxiety heightened & knowing it will continue.
The lack of empathy and support for those affected really does need addressing, it's all so exhausting.
I will look up that particular course, it sounds like something I'd do. I'm not one for group talking and would dread the thought of 1 to1 and the absolute trauma and raw emotions it would unearth.
The Judge was very apologetic and did give the prosecution a hard time for their lack of preparation. However you still walk out of there alone with the stress & anxiety heightened & knowing it will continue.
The lack of empathy and support for those affected really does need addressing, it's all so exhausting.