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Hi I'm new here. Was scared to post but don't know where else to turn. I'm only 1week in and the blows just keep coming. My person was arrested & bailed around chat in an app I'd never heard of until now. It's a living nightmare and a massive shock, I'm still struggling to get my head around the person I thought I knew could even do this. I have a child which just adds another level of nightmare. It's like they've thrown a grenade into our lives with no regard for anyone else and this damages anyone it touches even those who had nothing to do with it. And the latest in the gift that keeps on giving is that my person is going to have to quit their job. Police say they don't need to tell employer as they don't work with/near children but my person found out the work policy says you have to tell them if you're arrested so they can investigate in case it brings the organisation into disrepute. They figure it's best to quit rather than be sacked for breach of policy or work find out as part of their own investigation and have to dismiss them anyway. So now on top of this all I'm having to bear all the financial burden during a cost of living crisis. I'm in the process of selling absolutely everything I have to keep afloat but again don't want people to know why. Does anyone have advice on what jobs my person can apply for and what has to be disclosed? I'm currently still employed (but on emergency leave) but my wage although decent/average is going to struggle to cover. Another straw to break the camels back is the computer and mobile phone are currently with police for forensic report and all job applications and everything is all online ??????????. Any practical help would be appreciated as I feel like I'm sinking with this current hurdle.
Firstly sorry you find yourself here, but this is a place with plenty of support. My OH was suspended on full pay until his court case, so it might be good to find out what the employers policy is before they quit. If an employer does not ask you do not have to say anything but if they ask then you have to disclose. It also depends if the police have put any restrictions on them.
Unlock website has loads of information regarding employment, and how to write a disclosure letter so they can hand that in when asked, though i appreciate what you said about his phone and computer.
Unlock website has loads of information regarding employment, and how to write a disclosure letter so they can hand that in when asked, though i appreciate what you said about his phone and computer.
To be honest, I wouldn't tell work at this point in time. They aren't going to find out as he doesn't work with children and these investigations can take between 2-4 years.
He can quit once he's charged/has to appear in front of court.
My husband doesn't work with children and he didn't tell work he's under investigation.
We have young children and need his salary as long as possible.
He can quit once he's charged/has to appear in front of court.
My husband doesn't work with children and he didn't tell work he's under investigation.
We have young children and need his salary as long as possible.
You might want to seek advice on this. My OH was suspended on full pay. He tried to quit but the HR department told him not to until he was charged.
He got another job in the meantime, with a contract that required disclosure but didn't disclose until he plead guilty. He was then suspended on full pay until sentencing. He quit the day of sentencing.
Your husband will only need to disclose at interview if asked and will pass a DBS for a while yet so he can get another job
He got another job in the meantime, with a contract that required disclosure but didn't disclose until he plead guilty. He was then suspended on full pay until sentencing. He quit the day of sentencing.
Your husband will only need to disclose at interview if asked and will pass a DBS for a while yet so he can get another job
Hello,
My person was bailed under conditions not to sleep at home address, therefore I was able to apply for universal credit as a single applicant which included housing costs and 80% of childcare. I do work full time myself but couldn't afford all the rent, bills etc alone. Fortunately he has been able to continue to work as he is self employed with no contact with u18's. I don't know what the bail conditions for you are but is this an option? The financial impact of this is something that I feel I've had little support with yet it's been massive x
My person was bailed under conditions not to sleep at home address, therefore I was able to apply for universal credit as a single applicant which included housing costs and 80% of childcare. I do work full time myself but couldn't afford all the rent, bills etc alone. Fortunately he has been able to continue to work as he is self employed with no contact with u18's. I don't know what the bail conditions for you are but is this an option? The financial impact of this is something that I feel I've had little support with yet it's been massive x
As someone else has already said, he may want to consider not leaving work. My partner didn't tell work whilst under investigation, but as soon as he was charged he handed his notice in. I honestly, naively, think he thought it wouldn't come to anything. I think if he doesn't work with children and there is no chance of the police needing to interact with work (work laptops, phones etc) then there is a chance work would never find out.
Thank you all for the advice, it's not really the kind of thing you Google is it? Apart from the reason we're in this mess he's normally an honest person so was freaking out about the employment side of things and not telling them but also not wanting anyone to know. If there's even the slightest chance he can keep his job after this it will be a miracle, but hanging onto it as long as possible is the next best thing I can hope for. I've already lost so much I can't lose our home too.
Hi, I'd been best friends with my person for 27 years, married for 17 and we had two adult children and two younger children when the knock came. The shock was horrific. My person told me in his first and only call from prison that he had been attracted to children since he was 13! I just couldn't and still can't wrap my head around it. He kept a lid on it until he was 47. He was really well known and loved in our community and when it went across the media all my "friends" disappeared. He was also my Carer And because I was disabled I couldn't work so I had to go to the Council to get help with benefits and had to explain what had happened. I was mortified. Later on I was threatened with eviction. There isn't a single aspect of my life that hasn't been affected by what he did. And, I'm going through it for a second time.
Things I'd tell you if you were sat here having a cup of tea with me.
You are in for the long haul. My person has been waiting to go to court for the second time for over two years.
Social services - they told me my children wouldn't have any contact with their Dad whatsoever, no visits, no calls no letters. Yet, when I visited him in prison the visiting hall was full of young kids. This was devastating for my children. It was four years before social services would allow him to see his children supervised by me.
My person was given a custodial sentence for a first offence.
Visiting someone in prison is, well, interesting. You kind of get treated a bit like you're the one who has committed the offence.
The term "non offending partner" - you And I, does my head in!
When my person was first arrested there was next to no information out there. I had literally no support. Use this site, it's the best!
Take anything the Police, probation, solicitors etc say with a large pinch of salt. They often give false information or no information. It can be very frustrating.
Im wondering whether to tell you this bit but I think you need to know. If your person is convicted, it might end up in the media and on social media. For me this was the absolute worst part. The worry of it was horrendous. It was my two young children who bore the brunt of it in school.
The initial few months were awful for me. I couldn't eat, sleep and I was just bewildered. I really wish I'd had this forum at the time.
I really wish you didn't find yourself here. However, my inbox is always open if you need any info or just need to vent. Much love to you. X
Things I'd tell you if you were sat here having a cup of tea with me.
You are in for the long haul. My person has been waiting to go to court for the second time for over two years.
Social services - they told me my children wouldn't have any contact with their Dad whatsoever, no visits, no calls no letters. Yet, when I visited him in prison the visiting hall was full of young kids. This was devastating for my children. It was four years before social services would allow him to see his children supervised by me.
My person was given a custodial sentence for a first offence.
Visiting someone in prison is, well, interesting. You kind of get treated a bit like you're the one who has committed the offence.
The term "non offending partner" - you And I, does my head in!
When my person was first arrested there was next to no information out there. I had literally no support. Use this site, it's the best!
Take anything the Police, probation, solicitors etc say with a large pinch of salt. They often give false information or no information. It can be very frustrating.
Im wondering whether to tell you this bit but I think you need to know. If your person is convicted, it might end up in the media and on social media. For me this was the absolute worst part. The worry of it was horrendous. It was my two young children who bore the brunt of it in school.
The initial few months were awful for me. I couldn't eat, sleep and I was just bewildered. I really wish I'd had this forum at the time.
I really wish you didn't find yourself here. However, my inbox is always open if you need any info or just need to vent. Much love to you. X
I'm so sorry you've found yourself joining us on here. It's such early days for you so your thoughts are probably all over the place.
I'm here because of my son and have walked by his side all the way through his journey. He told the senior HR manager of his workplace about his arrest as soon as it happened. Whilst he was under investigation he remained employed but was eventually suspended once he'd gone to magistrates court and pleaded guilty and was dismissed following his sentencing. His case was in the media after both plea hearing and sentencing so he had already said that he wouldn't have been able to face returning to his work place, so even if he hadn't been dismissed he wouldn't have felt able to return.
The advice he was given by his probation officer was to take any job offered to him whilst finding a job he wanted as it's easier to find a job whilst employed. He is currently working a zero hours minimum wage role but is actually quite enjoying being in a work environment with no pressure or stress and feels he has a good work life balance. This is helping him rebuild his confidence and work on his mental health well being.
Things will be overwhelming for you at the moment but I can reassure you that in time life will get easier and somehow you will adapt to what's needed.
I'm here because of my son and have walked by his side all the way through his journey. He told the senior HR manager of his workplace about his arrest as soon as it happened. Whilst he was under investigation he remained employed but was eventually suspended once he'd gone to magistrates court and pleaded guilty and was dismissed following his sentencing. His case was in the media after both plea hearing and sentencing so he had already said that he wouldn't have been able to face returning to his work place, so even if he hadn't been dismissed he wouldn't have felt able to return.
The advice he was given by his probation officer was to take any job offered to him whilst finding a job he wanted as it's easier to find a job whilst employed. He is currently working a zero hours minimum wage role but is actually quite enjoying being in a work environment with no pressure or stress and feels he has a good work life balance. This is helping him rebuild his confidence and work on his mental health well being.
Things will be overwhelming for you at the moment but I can reassure you that in time life will get easier and somehow you will adapt to what's needed.
Thanks Robin
My person has denied attraction, is doing all the counselling and courses to find out how they found themselves in this situation. They don't want to touch a phone or internet chat room ever again and are only using phone/internet if someone else supervises as they're so paranoid. We've put internet restrictions on everything and the whole support system who know have read all the info on "how to spot signs". But it's really difficult because it's so out of character, none of the signs were there except for a recent bout of depression we assumed was lockdown/stress at work and a couple of sudden/unexpected deaths in our circle. It appears to be a porn chat addiction gone very very wrong but I'm no expert and certainly don't want to minimise what these chat rooms do and the harm they cause. I don't think they realised the implications of their actions and it's hit them like a ton of bricks. Their mental health is absolutely rock bottom. Especially with SS restrictions. It's literally ruined the lives of everyone who knows and has chance to blow up around us if there is charges or ongoing as involvement. I think it's really brought home how dangerous a place the internet can be and that a lot of peoples behaviour and the fact these sites exist is downplayed or minimised especially by men. I'm furious. Especially that I can't post a video with a 3second clip of a pop song without social media taking it down for copyright etc, or I google solar panels once and am bombarded with adverts and phone calls to install it for months after.... but the algorithms cannot detect and shut down these horrible sites and the harmful things people are doing on there.
My person has denied attraction, is doing all the counselling and courses to find out how they found themselves in this situation. They don't want to touch a phone or internet chat room ever again and are only using phone/internet if someone else supervises as they're so paranoid. We've put internet restrictions on everything and the whole support system who know have read all the info on "how to spot signs". But it's really difficult because it's so out of character, none of the signs were there except for a recent bout of depression we assumed was lockdown/stress at work and a couple of sudden/unexpected deaths in our circle. It appears to be a porn chat addiction gone very very wrong but I'm no expert and certainly don't want to minimise what these chat rooms do and the harm they cause. I don't think they realised the implications of their actions and it's hit them like a ton of bricks. Their mental health is absolutely rock bottom. Especially with SS restrictions. It's literally ruined the lives of everyone who knows and has chance to blow up around us if there is charges or ongoing as involvement. I think it's really brought home how dangerous a place the internet can be and that a lot of peoples behaviour and the fact these sites exist is downplayed or minimised especially by men. I'm furious. Especially that I can't post a video with a 3second clip of a pop song without social media taking it down for copyright etc, or I google solar panels once and am bombarded with adverts and phone calls to install it for months after.... but the algorithms cannot detect and shut down these horrible sites and the harmful things people are doing on there.
I had the dreaded knock few months ago and don't know which way to turn or what to do first help
Hi Suzie, I'm so sorry you've found yourself joining us on here, you've done the right thing in reaching out. Firstly you might like to think about posting under the discussion heading with a new title as I nearly missed your post and am worried others will too.
If you haven't already done so I recommend speaking to your GP for support as this experience can really affect your mental well-being. I also recommend contacting LFF for support.
If your person hasn't already done so then I also recommend he contacts LFF for support as well. There are many reasons why our loved ones end up where they are and it might be that he needs therapy as well as the course and modules offered by LFF to understand his reasons.
The important thing for now is to look after yourself. I know it's easier said than done but try to take one day at a time as the journey from arrest to sentencing can be a long one.
At the moment your thoughts may be all over the place but I can reassure you that you won't always feel like this. There will come a time when you can actually think of something else, when you'll find yourself singing along to your favourite song or enjoy a walk in nature.
Keep reaching out. We're here to walk your journey with you and to hold your hand when it's needed.
If you haven't already done so I recommend speaking to your GP for support as this experience can really affect your mental well-being. I also recommend contacting LFF for support.
If your person hasn't already done so then I also recommend he contacts LFF for support as well. There are many reasons why our loved ones end up where they are and it might be that he needs therapy as well as the course and modules offered by LFF to understand his reasons.
The important thing for now is to look after yourself. I know it's easier said than done but try to take one day at a time as the journey from arrest to sentencing can be a long one.
At the moment your thoughts may be all over the place but I can reassure you that you won't always feel like this. There will come a time when you can actually think of something else, when you'll find yourself singing along to your favourite song or enjoy a walk in nature.
Keep reaching out. We're here to walk your journey with you and to hold your hand when it's needed.
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Suzie, feel free to message me. I'm going through this for the second time. X
Hildingthegrenade, I hear you. X
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