Family and Friends Forum

Distressed and so alone

Jdx Jdx

Member since
September 2019

9 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 4:19amReport post

Hi

I posted a few weeks ago we got the knock on August 29th and my husband was taken for interview he was released on bail to his Dads address with the condition no unsupervised contact with under 18's and to sleep at his Dads other than that he could be at home. A referral to Social Care and a visit from them where they tried to male me sign a working agreement which really wasn't workable asking my husband to leave the family home at 6pm. I work for Social Care in a differant local authority. And most days I don't get home till 6pm which would give my child no contact time with her Dad. They went away to look at a new working agreement saying they would saying they would return the next day. Fast forward five weeks with no contact from social Care at all. Through this time I worked to the conditions set by the police and we were doing just fine with no support help or guidance

Social Care returned again trying to put into place the 6pm time again but again I asked what value this would have for my 12 year old daughter she loves and adores her Dad and would be devastated they spoke to my husband this time and his words were he felt that they were looking down at him like he was a dirty pervert and made him feel unimportant she asked him how he was coping and he said he was struggling she totally disregarded this statement again I asked that she talk to the police who had just extended his bail saying if the assessment was done they could change his conditions I asked the social worker to talk to the police so can get the information they needed again she went off saying she would return the next day another week later she rings saying that they were not prepared to change the contact they said there was new evidence that was very risky and they could not allow contact after 6pm



this totally tipped my husband over the edge he was upset and angry but I calmed him down and I spoke with him

about all this and armed him down saying that we would get through it xx obviously not enough this morning I found him at his dads when he failed to turn up I found him in the decking outside he had hung himself I tried but I was too late



this is how Social Care has totally wrecked my family - any advice on how I can handle this and what I can do if anything

Partner

Member since
July 2019

109 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 6:31amReport post

Jdx.

I am so so sorry to hear your story. Please call the helpline for advice. Reach out to your GP, bereavement helplines. You and your daughter need so much support and I wish I knew what to say to take your pain away. I'm thinking of you xxxx

WorriedMum

Member since
July 2019

25 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 7:30amReport post

I am so sorry to hear this news and sending so much love to you and your family. Right now, get all of the support you can.

This is a terrifying reminder to us all that, no matter how much pain us relatives are in, the burden on our family member is huge and their mental health is paramount.

Jdx , I can't begin to imagine what you are going through and feeling right now. I feel so sad and angry for you and your family. Wish I knew what to say but if you feel able to write down a detailed summary of what happened with social services including dates and times while it is still fresh in your mind as evidence. But your own mental health needs all the nurturing it can get after you have been through such trauma. Sending you all the hugs in the world. Please make contact with your GP.



CRUSE helpline number 0808 808 1677

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

84 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 2:17pmReport post

Dear Jdx Jdx,

I am deeply sorry to hear about your husband and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I can see that your husband was struggling with some very difficult emotions, and it is upsetting to see that he thought taking his own life was an option.

Right now, there will be very little that anyone can say that will help you to feel better. But when you’re ready, there are things that you can do that will help you, your daughter and your family to move forward. For example, I really encourage you to talk to someone. Some people prefer to talk to a close friend or family member, about what has happened and how you (and perhaps they) are feeling. And for some people it is really important to have professional support, i.e. a person who can explore your feelings with you, advise you on what to do next, and ensure you are maintaining your selfcare. Your daughter will need some support too, and whilst a mother is usually the best person for this, it is understandable if this feels incredibly difficult for you to do whilst you are also trying to support yourself. You are more than welcome to call us on our Stop It Now! Helpline (0808 1000 900) as our operators have experience of working with people who have lost loved ones in the past to suicide. There are also other organisations who are specifically tailored to supporting people through grief, such as Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk), Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (uksobs.org) and Winston’s Wish (www.winstonswish.org); the latter specifically providing support for children and their families.

Again, I am deeply sorry to hear about what has happened, and our thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Dottie

Member since
June 2019

141 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 11:15pmReport post

Jdx Jdx,

I am so very sorry. I don't know what to say except that I am sending love to you and your family. Please look after yourself and get the help you need to get through this devastating time in your and your daughters life. Xxxx

Jdx Jdx

Member since
September 2019

9 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 6:52amReport post

Thankyou everyone for your kind messages they were comforting to read and gave me just a little peace in my soul.

i also have a Son who is 22 I haven't mentioned him previously because of his age Social Care weren't effecting him however the whole situation obviously has and although he is being very strong and supportive of me and his Sister, I know he is broken inside. This happened on his Birthday and after the Paramedics he was the first person on the scene and he obviously witnessed everything from that point on.

When everything had been sorted out at the scene on the morning I went home with friends supporting me and I called the Police who were dealing with Lee and spoke to the Lead person on the case, I told her what had happened and asked what would happen from this point on. It appeared she really was not sure what to say to me and said that she was sorry for my loss and she would call me back later that day - I'm still waiting for that call!!

After this I called Social Care to speak to the Social Worker allocated to my Daughter as she was supposed to be visiting later that day and she was the last person on this earth I wanted to see. I was told she was on Annual Leave this means that her threat of a visit to me and my husband was an eempty threat I wonder how much more of her words were empty. I asked to speak to another Social Worker but no one was available so I asked to speak to the Team Manager who wasn't available. I got upset at this point and said I needed to share some sensitive information and needed someone to talk to me from that office the lady on switchboard asked what it was regarding and I said it was very personal and I didn't want to have to share over and over. The lady pushed for an answer till I ended up telling her the information, once this was shared she said that she would get the Team Manager to call me later - guess what yeah still waiting.

Hilltop478

Member since
September 2019

93 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 7:01amReport post

Jdx I have no words that will offer any comfort to you but I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts - what a horrible time for you all and you have been treated so hideously already in the after math. I hope you are doing as well as you can be - you deserve a medal for even getting out of bed today xx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

421 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 7:50amReport post

Oh Jdx Jdx I am so sorry to hear he took his own life. I can only imagine how totally overwhelmed you must feel now. And you are a Mum to a 12 year old girl who will need your support in a very different way to your adult son. Crumbs where do you even start xx

The way the Police & Social Services have responded to you on a Friday shows a complete absence of a Duty of Care to you as a family. However cross & hurt you feel about the authorities mayI suggest you just shelve it for now as you have so much to deal with: go out today & buy a note pad which will become like a journal...write down everything that happens in one place. Put down your thoughts, emotions, what actually happens the lot. This is not a diary it is a tool ie only write in it when you need to. Could be every hour or few days doesn't matter. Capture it all so you can deal with it when your children are not in the centre of their storm.

Your mental health is important too...the old if you don't put your own oxygen mask on then you can't help the ones you love scenario. I found journalling an alien concept until desperation made me try it & I have to say it it recommended by professionals for a good reason: it works!

After the funeral & your daughter is back in the routine of school then if you want to make an official complaint I think you have good grounds. Locally there are lessons to be learnt & you deserve recognition through an apology that your case should have been handled better.

Big hug. Take care xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 8:15amReport post

Oh Jdx Jdx

There is nothing I can say that will make this any easier for you and your children.

Please try and look after yourself in order to stay strong for the kids, this is the worst outcome and something I think we have all thought about.

People don't realise the effect this has on people and I agree with onwards and upwards, you would certainly have ground for a complaint of you wanted to go that route on a few weeks.

For now, see your GP, try counselling, if your get the right one it really does work. Find out what's there for the children, the helpline can help you with that.

I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs, I'm thinking about you and your family at this terrible time along with lots of love

Keep coming on here if it helps, rant and rave at us, we will all support you

Xxx

Partner

Member since
July 2019

109 posts

Posted Sun October 13, 2019 8:18amReport post

Jdx,

How are you, your son and your daughter?

You are all in my heart's and I'm thinking of you all. Xxx

Jayne G

Member since
March 2019

127 posts

Posted Sun October 13, 2019 12:14pmReport post

Jdx jdx,

I have no words. My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry that you and your family are now facing such a loss. Please do as others have said and try to take time to look after yourself. We're all thinking of you. Xx

CornishTea

Member since
August 2019

38 posts

Posted Sun October 13, 2019 5:51pmReport post

Hi Jdx JDX,

I have absolutely no words for your tragedy. I can't imagine how you and your family must be feeling.



I do feel that SS have very little interest in what upset they cause. I have never encountered such a rigid approach to families with total disregard for their needs both practically and emotionally.



At this moment in time you need to focus on your needs and your family's. Maybe in the future you may want to make a complaint to SS about your case.



Thinking of you

Cornish Tea

Vanillapod

Member since
September 2019

14 posts

Posted Sun October 13, 2019 9:06pmReport post

Jdx i am so so sorry to hear of this, i am devastated for you, try to take each day at a time for the kids and use the help lines to support you.

With each and every concern this wants me to find a way to support and helppeople in our situations as no one but us csn understand hat we are going through.

there is nothing that i can say that will help but just know that you are in our thoughts and we are all praying each day gets slightly easier for you and the kids xxxx

Rainbow

Member since
January 2019

184 posts

Posted Mon October 14, 2019 4:00pmReport post

Jdx sorry I have only just read your post. I am so sorry to hear such awful news. It's sad that ss just see the worst in these men and label them without even looking into the conviction etc. They should be working with us to sort the problem and see how they got into this rather than trying to keep them away. If people can help and support then I'm sure a lot would be able to get back on track without venturing over to the dark side. I hope in your situation it has made ss realise a lot more about reality.

Sending love x

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

228 posts

Posted Tue October 15, 2019 2:48pmReport post

Oh JDX- no words for you at this truly dreadful time. Please look after yourself and your family. Xx

Jdx Jdx

Member since
September 2019

9 posts

Posted Tue October 22, 2019 8:59amReport post

Hi Everybody

Thankyou all for your kind thoughts and words.


just a quick update to say we are all devastated but it hasn't made everything better which i am sure my Husband felt would happen once he was gone. SC had made him feel like he was the risk so he must have felt he would be better to remove the risk.

Five days after his death the SW phoned to offer her condolences she then went onto say that she would be continuing the investigation and assessments as she felt my mental health would now be affected I must admit my reaction to this was not good and I shouted down the phone at her I did lose the plot a little and my words were harsh

however my 22 ultrafiltration old son took the phone and continued the conversation with her stating that his Dad was now dead he was the risk now there is no risk she said that she would be visiting my Daughter in School but he said that we didn't give consent and anyway she was at home not in School The SW said well I will come to your house then my Son said that she would be better not to and we would not be answering the door he said that we were grieving and asked that she gave us some time to do this the SW continued to say she would be coming mybSon said you won't be seeing my Mum or my Sister and she went on to threaten my Son with anPolixe visit because he wasn't allowing her access



My Son put the phone down on her and luckily she has left us alone we are on day 12 of not having our Husband and Dad around and it's hard but SC are making it harder when will this end xxx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Wed October 23, 2019 5:52pmReport post

That seems so unfair, I would have thought, like you, that the 'risk' is no longer there.

Why wouldn't you act in this way, for god's sake you're all grieving, your emotions would be all over the place at the best of times but the reasons behind it are just tragic

I do hope they leave you alone with your children to try and deal with this.

Love to you all xx

Bubble

Member since
February 2019

28 posts

Posted Thu October 24, 2019 12:28amReport post

So sorry for your loss and the immense trauma you have been through and are still going through. My heart honestly breaks for you. Services involved in these proceedings should realise that everyone involved is human, has emotions and is vulnerable (even if they have offended). Yes social services have a duty of care towards a child but they should also be required to consider the wellbeing of all involved.

I feel angry for you that you have been so let down and still they are hounding.

Though you have been through immense trauma your ability to parent should not be brought into question, you also have a son who is 22 who can support with your younger daughter. I hope they leave well alone and allow you to breathe a while. i hope you continue to post and get some level of comfort from the forum. I also hope you are able to seek support from services when the time is right for you.

My thoughts are with you *big hugs xx

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