Family and Friends Forum

Struggling

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 6:05amReport post

Hello all, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. It’s almost 8 weeks now since I discovered indecent images on my husbands phone. I eventually saw him again and we talked, endlessly. It’s difficult trying to discuss things with my husband as he is not the type to discuss things but prefers to bury his head in the sand and hope things go away. I’m the complete opposite.

He admitted to me last night that he fancies school girls and older teens of 17, 18 and 19. Although he is currently under investigation for having indecent images of 8-12 year olds on his phone which I am still struggling to deal with very much, knowing that he is attracted to teenagers of 14 and up is destroying me. Can anyone please tell me if this is normal? Are most men attracted to teenagers? I have nobody to talk to about this, which is why I find myself sitting here at 6am writing this after being unable to sleep for hours. My mind never stops and I am driving myself crazy with the thoughts going through my head. I’m losing it.

Partner

Member since
July 2019

109 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 6:41amReport post

Seamack. Please call the helpline when able. Talking it through with someone wi probably ease your mind.

Sending you love x

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 11:43amReport post

Thank you Partner, I will xx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

421 posts

Posted Fri October 11, 2019 1:58pmReport post

Hi Seamack

I don't fancy teenage boys. I look at some & think they are good looking but I don't fancy them because I am a 43 year old woman. I don't fantastise about them because they are not men yet.

I don't know if all men fancy under 18 girls but I hope for our societies sake that the majority don't.

Try not to torture yourself about this. As per previous advice it would be great if you could get through to the helpline. I know I wouldn't have got through this without counselling so talking is powerful.

All the best, Onwards & Upwards xx

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 2:16amReport post

Onwards & Upwards, thank you, I really do appreciate your reply. I’m 55, fat & ugly and have had 4 children so I’ve got all the stretch marks, dimples and wrinkles etc and my husbands ideal woman is 18, slim, beautiful with perfect big boobs, no stretch marks marks or dimples, so I can’t help but torture myself. As a policeman said when he came to visit me because I was suicidal, my husbands ideal woman is the complete opposite of me. The policeman was only being honest but it really is true. I’m nothing whatsoever like my husbands ideal woman so I wonder why he even married me in the first place x

Hilltop478

Member since
September 2019

93 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 7:04amReport post

Seamack

How dare that officer say that to you about your husbands type! You are not fat, ugly or any of those words you've used to describe yourself - you are strong, you are BEYOND brave and you will be happy again one day with someone who deserves you and is lucky to have you.

You have brought children into this world - your body did that. Your stretch marks are a mark of honour of what it can do.

Keep your head held high - you are not the villain in this. X

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

421 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 7:18amReport post

Hi Seamack

Stretch marks & wrinkles are natural. You are 55 so have lived life. If your husband ran off with another woman the same age as him I can guarantee she would carry the same scars: well if she was lucky enough to have had 4 babies at least. I don't know if you are actually fat or if you just perceive you are....I know lots of very healthy size 14 ladies who think they are the size of elephants because they spent most of their life a 10...again metabolism slows as you age so walk into a room of 55 year olds & body shapes will without question be different to a room of teenage girls.

The Police told me my ex had a very clear online/offline demarcation: basically in his head he was one person in real life & another when he went down the Porn rabbit hole. Just because he explored something virtually does not mean it would ever ever happen in real life. Statistically Online Sex Offenders are very unlikely to be contact offenders. So your husband might like looking at young girls but might not actually want to touch. It is like me really enjoying getting totally lost in a wildly romantic film in which the lead characters finally get together but afterwards I pick the plot apart whilst listing out all the reasons why Happily Ever After won't last!!!!

As I mentioned above I went through hours of counselling to start living my life forward. One of the most powerful exercises I did was to realise the man I married did not define the woman I am. I became a smaller version of myself as I began putting everyone needs before my own & spent lots of energy compensating for his behaviour choices so the kids weren't affected. I learnt to make decisions by first filtering them through "what would he want me to do". It is huge but I learnt to start putting myself first. It is a slow process. Like months & months. Uncomfortable & full of a full rainbow of emotions. Keep going though because it is worth it. You ARE worth it. Your children value you as their MUM not just as part of their 'parents'. Suicidal thoughts is pure fear trying to find a solution. Life will look different when you nurture the self love which didn't have the right environment to thrive before.

Head up, one day at a time, reach out to a friend/child/GP/the helpline/Samaritans so even when you feel alone your are not...take care of you, Onwards & Upwards xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 7:56amReport post

Hi Seamack

So I'm like you, I'm 54, size 16 (gone up a size since this crap because all I do is eat crap!) I've had 2 sons who, like your children, my world, people I would willingly lay my life down for! I've got saggy boobs, big belly and stretch marks, but you know what I wouldn't swap the perfect body for my children.

At the start of all this 18 months or so ago, vi also felt like you, how could he find me attractive if he was viewing 14 year old girls and finding them attractive (turns out it was never 14 year old girls but 8 and lower!!) I would wonder, who was he thinking about when we were intimate, you can torture yourself with all of this but actually in the end it's down to confidence.

So what if I have stretch marks, so what if I'm about 3 stone over weight, that doesn't change what's happened, this is about him and burying his head in the sand is going to do him no good whatsoever. He needs help to look at his behaviour, he also needs to think about why he's hurting you in this way!!

You are doing so well, this is an amazing forum, the advice from the ladies is unreal, the helpline is fantastic. Have you thought about counselling? I'm managed to get mine through my GP and my counsellor has done wonders and brought me to a point in my life where I'm managing, I'm getting my confidence back, yes I still have knock backs because my ex (soon to be) is an arse but I manage them so much better!

If you wanted to join Mumsnet my user name is TB14 several of us have done it and I'm now in contact with about 25 ladies, it's amazing

Please hold your head up, you are a lovely, attractive lady and a fantastic mum

Much love xx

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 3:17pmReport post

Hilltop478, onwards&upwards and Tracey,

Wow! I am truly amazed and thankful that you have took the time to write such long, lovely and helpful replies. When I logged on I wasn’t expecting one reply, let alone 3. Even going through your own nightmares you have taken the time to help and support me and that means so much. Thank you! I actually am fat. 17 stone and size 20. All due to turning to food for comfort. I am hopeful that I will get through this horrible nightmare I am living in. I think it’ll be so much easier once the police investigation is complete and I know exactly what I am dealing with. Then I will be able to start moving on and getting out from under this terrible cloud I have over me at the moment. My weekend will be a tiny bit better because of the 3 of you, I don’t feel so alone now. Thank you, truly. Sending each of you a big hug xxx

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 3:26pmReport post

Tracey,

I had counselling last year due to my husbands interest in porn, teenagers and schoolgirls. That was before I found the pictures of 8-12 year olds on his phone. I have self referred myself for more counselling and I am awaiting a response. Again, a very huge thank you xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 5:10pmReport post

Actually though Seamack, it doesn't matter what size we are, it's what's inside that counts and I can tell you're a lovely person.

Let him deal with his demons, and it does need dealing with and you look after yourself and your lovely children xx

Hilltop478

Member since
September 2019

93 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 9:58pmReport post

Seamack, it doesn't matter what size you are or how old you think you look - even though I am sure you are fine just as you are - what matters most is that you are a good person. When all is said and done we all end up in coffins the same size, and I'd much rather someone say "they were a good person" than say "she had a lovely arse considering how old she was"!!

Xxx

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 10:17pmReport post

Thank you for your kind words Tracey. I really do appreciate it.

Hugs, and goodnight.

Seamack xx

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Sat October 12, 2019 10:21pmReport post

Hilltop478,

Thank you also for your kind words. Also, as miserable as I’ve been your arse comment did make me smile. Hugs and goodnight.

Seamack xx

CornishTea

Member since
August 2019

38 posts

Posted Tue October 15, 2019 12:59pmReport post

Hi Seamack,

You have had some great responses. Firstly you have done nothing wrong, do not accept any blame for your husbands viewing habits. We all come in many shapes and sizes and I like to think the more mature we are the less we focus on outward appearance and more on the personality side of things and want partners who make us laugh, are fun to be with through life.

Sadly sicking his head in the sand won't work at this stage. Take is easy on yourself and it isn't down to you to resolve this. He has admitted to a problem and he needs to face up to it.



xxxx

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

228 posts

Posted Tue October 15, 2019 2:47pmReport post

Hi Seasmack

This sounds like his problem, not your’s. My partner’s therapist told me that “teen” was the biggest market in the porn industry (18 and over) so there seems to be a lot of men chasing their youth.

You can’t change him, you can only change the way you respond to him.

I have put on loads of weight since this all happened but think he is lucky I am sticking by him - sounds like your partner is lucky to have had you.

thinkingof you x

Seamack

Member since
August 2019

30 posts

Posted Thu October 17, 2019 11:24amReport post

CornishTea and Big sigh,

Thank you both for your replies. They are greatly appreciated.

Take care, both of you xx

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