Day 2
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It is end of day 2 for me today.
Never imagined I could write a post on this forum. I had a perfect family !
Where I started and where I am .. life has just slipped from my hands just like sand.
My husband was engaged in sexting with adults ( thts wat he says) n police is investigating about 1 video.
He says he has never downloaded or searched anything to do with minors n been keeping me in all conversations; I shouldn't believe him so being cautious.
How did u all come to terms with
1. Keeping kids happy
2. Finances as he moves out
3. Family interactions
4. Feeling of betrayal
Sometimes I miss him n thn I m angry with him
What do I do to protect the lifestyle change immediately with other burdens n worries
Never imagined I could write a post on this forum. I had a perfect family !
Where I started and where I am .. life has just slipped from my hands just like sand.
My husband was engaged in sexting with adults ( thts wat he says) n police is investigating about 1 video.
He says he has never downloaded or searched anything to do with minors n been keeping me in all conversations; I shouldn't believe him so being cautious.
How did u all come to terms with
1. Keeping kids happy
2. Finances as he moves out
3. Family interactions
4. Feeling of betrayal
Sometimes I miss him n thn I m angry with him
What do I do to protect the lifestyle change immediately with other burdens n worries
So sorry you are here.
I would take it 1 day at a time, as it is horrible, just horrible.
I feel you also have to see what his next steps are as well. Does he also have a porn addicition? What steps is he going to take next re therapy or groups like SAA. Does he admit to having issues that mean he is seeking out these interactions (even if solely with adults).
For the children, you have to keep their lives as normal as possible as the next 6 to 12 months will be a rollercoster but it does get easier.
Does he have any bail conditions re being at home or with the children?
I was also recommended a group called the Naked Truth project , but it is all about rebuilding a relationship post betrayal, if that is of any interest. There are also quite a few self help books on betrayal trauma if you google that.
Otherwise if you feel this is the end of your relationship I would contact a lawyer to mediator to understand how finances might be split in a divorce.
I would take it 1 day at a time, as it is horrible, just horrible.
I feel you also have to see what his next steps are as well. Does he also have a porn addicition? What steps is he going to take next re therapy or groups like SAA. Does he admit to having issues that mean he is seeking out these interactions (even if solely with adults).
For the children, you have to keep their lives as normal as possible as the next 6 to 12 months will be a rollercoster but it does get easier.
Does he have any bail conditions re being at home or with the children?
I was also recommended a group called the Naked Truth project , but it is all about rebuilding a relationship post betrayal, if that is of any interest. There are also quite a few self help books on betrayal trauma if you google that.
Otherwise if you feel this is the end of your relationship I would contact a lawyer to mediator to understand how finances might be split in a divorce.
Hello Lostatonce,
It's truly horrible feeling, losing the life you had and the control you had over you family. What I would say is that the StopItNow helpline is fantastic. I found it very daunting calling, took me a few attempts but god it was so helpful and reassuring when I plucked up the courage to call, they were incredibly reassuring and helpful and can point you to more help. See if you can call them. x
It's truly horrible feeling, losing the life you had and the control you had over you family. What I would say is that the StopItNow helpline is fantastic. I found it very daunting calling, took me a few attempts but god it was so helpful and reassuring when I plucked up the courage to call, they were incredibly reassuring and helpful and can point you to more help. See if you can call them. x
Hi lost
im still in month 1. sorry you're here, and same.....I didnt see this coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
im no expert but here's what I've done so far in case it helps.
1. Keeping kids happy- we've not old ours and decided we won't until we have to. Apparently these things can take months even years to come to any sort of final decision. We're trying to keep as normal a routine as possible but our scenario means our person can't live here. It's working for now. We have a next step plan in place if we need it. We will say we're temporarily separating. I haven't planned anything after that stage.
2. Finances as he moves out.
I've sold everything worth any money on eBay (therapy solicitors counselling all costs money).
I've cancelled all unnecessary bills; gym membership, tv subscriptions, car.
I've applied for single person council tax....my person isn't allowed to live here on bail conditions so discount should be allowed.
I've cashed in some pension shares and also opted out of my work pension the rest of this financial year as that's a big saving and I need to get through now....worry about pensions later.
Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Is it due for renewal? I would see if you have payment breaks or any income protection insurance that might help if you need to use it.
Make your name is on all bills/bank accounts so you can access/amend/cancel if needed.
3. Family interactions
his parents supervise and I supervise. We've only told those who absolutely need to know because of the stigma and the stress it causes. You can't un-tell someone but you may need someone for support. In our scenario he doesn't usually have any contact with any kids other than our own and isn't super social so it's been easy to avoid, but eventually people will notice. I've told my sister and he's told 1 close friend who have noticed our changed behaviour (out of sorts/ something bothering us) that we're having marriage difficulties....which is true.
Try still to be social with family if you can and it's safe/within your bail. My person was paranoid people would know and didnt want to leave the house. But it's not tattooed on your head. People won't know unless you tell them. It is hard though. We've said to those concerned "I've got a lot going on" but arent ready to talk about it yet. That seems to let people give you space.
4. Feeling of betrayal
Get your partner and yourself if and when you have the headspace to focus to look on the LFF resources, and seek therapy/conselling to find out why they did this and where it's come from; then maybe you'll see how it could have happened. Maybe not understand or sympathise or forgive but a bit of knowledge.
Unfortunately the person you don't want support from or to talk to is likely the very same person who got you in this mess. You may need to support each other. You may need support from your GP as this is very stressful and can really give your own mental health a hammering.
What I can say is online offending is far more prolific than I ever imagined and worryingly easy to access and high numbers end up down this dark place. You are not alone and I don't think any of us on this forum ever expected or wanted to be here. Just take each day as it comes. Treat it like the lockdown. When it ends is out of our hands, you've just got to try create a new normal and get by day by day.
im still in month 1. sorry you're here, and same.....I didnt see this coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
im no expert but here's what I've done so far in case it helps.
1. Keeping kids happy- we've not old ours and decided we won't until we have to. Apparently these things can take months even years to come to any sort of final decision. We're trying to keep as normal a routine as possible but our scenario means our person can't live here. It's working for now. We have a next step plan in place if we need it. We will say we're temporarily separating. I haven't planned anything after that stage.
2. Finances as he moves out.
I've sold everything worth any money on eBay (therapy solicitors counselling all costs money).
I've cancelled all unnecessary bills; gym membership, tv subscriptions, car.
I've applied for single person council tax....my person isn't allowed to live here on bail conditions so discount should be allowed.
I've cashed in some pension shares and also opted out of my work pension the rest of this financial year as that's a big saving and I need to get through now....worry about pensions later.
Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Is it due for renewal? I would see if you have payment breaks or any income protection insurance that might help if you need to use it.
Make your name is on all bills/bank accounts so you can access/amend/cancel if needed.
3. Family interactions
his parents supervise and I supervise. We've only told those who absolutely need to know because of the stigma and the stress it causes. You can't un-tell someone but you may need someone for support. In our scenario he doesn't usually have any contact with any kids other than our own and isn't super social so it's been easy to avoid, but eventually people will notice. I've told my sister and he's told 1 close friend who have noticed our changed behaviour (out of sorts/ something bothering us) that we're having marriage difficulties....which is true.
Try still to be social with family if you can and it's safe/within your bail. My person was paranoid people would know and didnt want to leave the house. But it's not tattooed on your head. People won't know unless you tell them. It is hard though. We've said to those concerned "I've got a lot going on" but arent ready to talk about it yet. That seems to let people give you space.
4. Feeling of betrayal
Get your partner and yourself if and when you have the headspace to focus to look on the LFF resources, and seek therapy/conselling to find out why they did this and where it's come from; then maybe you'll see how it could have happened. Maybe not understand or sympathise or forgive but a bit of knowledge.
Unfortunately the person you don't want support from or to talk to is likely the very same person who got you in this mess. You may need to support each other. You may need support from your GP as this is very stressful and can really give your own mental health a hammering.
What I can say is online offending is far more prolific than I ever imagined and worryingly easy to access and high numbers end up down this dark place. You are not alone and I don't think any of us on this forum ever expected or wanted to be here. Just take each day as it comes. Treat it like the lockdown. When it ends is out of our hands, you've just got to try create a new normal and get by day by day.