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Some of the recent posts I have read are very upsetting. So many of you are in desperate situations, and you must be feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. I just wanted to say that it really can get better. I remember feeling like you do now about two years ago, but I can honestly say that I am really happy in my current life. I'm in no way trying to gloat - I just think that it's important for you to know that you can get to a point where you will be able to enjoy life and feel contentment once again. When I was at my lowest point, I felt as if I would be trapped in a negative spiral for ever. I really needed some reassurance that it wasn't necessarily going to last. Nobody was able to give me that at the time which is why I'm telling you now.
I can't give you any guarantees. All of you have different sets of circumstances. If you have young children and/or have decided to stay with your partner, your road will be a lot harder I think. I made the decision to separate and then divorce very soon after 'the knock'. It meant that I was able to move away and begin a different life. After a few months I met my new partner who is a wonderful sensitive person; he completely understands the nature of my circumstances and is extremely supportive of me. He was a victim of sexual abuse as a child himself, and I think the fact we are both damaged by the selfish actions of others has meant that we have been able to understand where each other is coming from. That's not to say we spend a lot of time being miserable about our pasts - we just recognise each other's vulnerabilities and can be honest about our feelings.
Having said I'm happy, it's true that I have also lost a lot, including several friends who just don't 'get it', especially now I have moved on in my life. There is even one supposed friend who has been unable to disguise her jealousy of my lifestyle (yes, that's hard to believe in the circumstances!). Some people like you to remain a 'victim' so they can feel superior and you can become their project. That's one negative. I've also got to deal with the fact that my children still think their father is wonderful and (although they don't say it openly) that I have let him down by not sticking by him. I guess in many ways I did choose the selfish option by cutting myself off from him. There are occasions when I have panic attacks and lose confidence when I meet people I haven't seen for a while. I also worry about people in my new community finding out about my past such as my new employers. I am much more emotional than I used to be and often over-react to the most trivial provocations. So things are not the same as they were. I've been changed by my experiences and I'm sure those changes are permanent.
But in many ways I'm happier than I have ever been before because I have met someone who is perfect for me. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please remember that. Your story won't be the same as mine, but I hope you come out with some positives. You will certainly be stronger as a result of what is happening in your life because you will have to be. Take care, all of you. XXXX
I can't give you any guarantees. All of you have different sets of circumstances. If you have young children and/or have decided to stay with your partner, your road will be a lot harder I think. I made the decision to separate and then divorce very soon after 'the knock'. It meant that I was able to move away and begin a different life. After a few months I met my new partner who is a wonderful sensitive person; he completely understands the nature of my circumstances and is extremely supportive of me. He was a victim of sexual abuse as a child himself, and I think the fact we are both damaged by the selfish actions of others has meant that we have been able to understand where each other is coming from. That's not to say we spend a lot of time being miserable about our pasts - we just recognise each other's vulnerabilities and can be honest about our feelings.
Having said I'm happy, it's true that I have also lost a lot, including several friends who just don't 'get it', especially now I have moved on in my life. There is even one supposed friend who has been unable to disguise her jealousy of my lifestyle (yes, that's hard to believe in the circumstances!). Some people like you to remain a 'victim' so they can feel superior and you can become their project. That's one negative. I've also got to deal with the fact that my children still think their father is wonderful and (although they don't say it openly) that I have let him down by not sticking by him. I guess in many ways I did choose the selfish option by cutting myself off from him. There are occasions when I have panic attacks and lose confidence when I meet people I haven't seen for a while. I also worry about people in my new community finding out about my past such as my new employers. I am much more emotional than I used to be and often over-react to the most trivial provocations. So things are not the same as they were. I've been changed by my experiences and I'm sure those changes are permanent.
But in many ways I'm happier than I have ever been before because I have met someone who is perfect for me. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please remember that. Your story won't be the same as mine, but I hope you come out with some positives. You will certainly be stronger as a result of what is happening in your life because you will have to be. Take care, all of you. XXXX
Thank you, Poster. The very best to you as well. You sound a really positive person and I’m confident that better things are round the corner. XX
Thank you Esther for such a positive post. I suspect I’m quite a lot older than you, but still believe and hope I will (when I’m ready) meet someone new. In a way I worry that I’m still in touch with my ex because of this huge gap in my life. We had been in a loving relationship for many years. And I’m finding loneliness a problem despite good friends and social activities. The few friends who know about The Knock probably have their own feelings about me still being in touch with my ex . But our friendships have remained in tact. I suspect you are right about life being even more of a challenge for those who choose to stay. But there is no blueprint for dealing with this. And all of us are different. At the beginning I barely dipped into this forum, but now I visit every day. And it’s posts like yours Esther that convince me I can and will find happiness. I will NOT be defined by what has happened. Lots of love to you all. x
Hi Paula,
Thank you for your kind words. I do hope that my story will be encouraging to others which is why I wanted to post it. Believe me, I was feeling pretty hopeless at one point, and I really didn't believe that there could be someone out there who would make me feel happy and at peace. I can certainly identify with your description of the loneliness, even though I also had plenty of good friends around me in the aftermath of the Knock.
I hope you can - at some point in the future - summon up the resolution to get out there and look for another partner. It's quite hard to at first, but you could maybe try an online site such as Elite Singles, which is where I found my lovely new partner. My first idea was to just have a look, but when I read my new partner's profile I realised that we had so much in common and he was interested in getting to know me. After several hundred emails, we finally met up for lunch. The rest, as they say, is history.
My new partner and I were with some people this morning who had met online about 18 months ago (he's a widower and she's divorced). They are in their 60s, have both been through a lot of heartache, and they are now really happy. So don't think you are too old for online dating or that you have to accept loneliness. One thing is for certain - anyone who is decent will not hold what happened against you as you didn't do anything wrong. As you say, you should not be defined by the actions of others. Good luck!!
Thank you for your kind words. I do hope that my story will be encouraging to others which is why I wanted to post it. Believe me, I was feeling pretty hopeless at one point, and I really didn't believe that there could be someone out there who would make me feel happy and at peace. I can certainly identify with your description of the loneliness, even though I also had plenty of good friends around me in the aftermath of the Knock.
I hope you can - at some point in the future - summon up the resolution to get out there and look for another partner. It's quite hard to at first, but you could maybe try an online site such as Elite Singles, which is where I found my lovely new partner. My first idea was to just have a look, but when I read my new partner's profile I realised that we had so much in common and he was interested in getting to know me. After several hundred emails, we finally met up for lunch. The rest, as they say, is history.
My new partner and I were with some people this morning who had met online about 18 months ago (he's a widower and she's divorced). They are in their 60s, have both been through a lot of heartache, and they are now really happy. So don't think you are too old for online dating or that you have to accept loneliness. One thing is for certain - anyone who is decent will not hold what happened against you as you didn't do anything wrong. As you say, you should not be defined by the actions of others. Good luck!!
Thank you Esther. x