Historic events 35 years ago
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Hi, I discovered 6 weeks ago that the person I was about to marry has a 4 month conviction going back 35 years for taking indecent images. I only found out because he had a phone call from the police regarding new allegations going back to the same time.
I am absolutely devastated and have had to let my close family know because the police and SS got involved regarding two young children in my family who have stayed here when he did.
Thankfully we have two separate homes but I won't be able to stay here financially if we separate. The person I have known for 3 years is not that person and I CANNOT understand it.
Do I stand by him? Do I not see him anymore? My family love him as I do but he is not allowed to see these children anymore which effectively stops them coming here unless we completely break up.
The parents of the children now think there 'might' be cameras in my house...I KNOW how important safeguarding is but this was all historic and they're acting like he's still a criminal and p. I've never seen any evidence.
I am so sad, feel devastated, grief and shame.
I am absolutely devastated and have had to let my close family know because the police and SS got involved regarding two young children in my family who have stayed here when he did.
Thankfully we have two separate homes but I won't be able to stay here financially if we separate. The person I have known for 3 years is not that person and I CANNOT understand it.
Do I stand by him? Do I not see him anymore? My family love him as I do but he is not allowed to see these children anymore which effectively stops them coming here unless we completely break up.
The parents of the children now think there 'might' be cameras in my house...I KNOW how important safeguarding is but this was all historic and they're acting like he's still a criminal and p. I've never seen any evidence.
I am so sad, feel devastated, grief and shame.
Hi Daisy, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I completely understand those feelings of sadness, devastation, grief and shame as will the other people on the forum.
If you haven't already done so I recommend contacting the LFF helpline as they will be able to support and advise you. Your OH may also like to do the same.
Your thoughts must be all over the place at the moment so I would advise not making any long term decisions at moment. The important thing for now is to take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through one day at a time.
I'm sending you a big hug.
If you haven't already done so I recommend contacting the LFF helpline as they will be able to support and advise you. Your OH may also like to do the same.
Your thoughts must be all over the place at the moment so I would advise not making any long term decisions at moment. The important thing for now is to take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through one day at a time.
I'm sending you a big hug.
I'm sorry you find yourself here but you'll find lots of support in this group.
I would try to focus on the fact everything took place 35 years ago and your person will not be the same person he was then.
As Ocean said, phone the LFF help line and reach out for support there.
I would try to focus on the fact everything took place 35 years ago and your person will not be the same person he was then.
As Ocean said, phone the LFF help line and reach out for support there.
Hi, I can only speak from my own personal experience. I didn't find out about my husband until he'd been my best friend for decades and married for about 15 years and had 4 children. This is just my opinion but I think if you stay, you'll be constantly be wondering what is going to happen next. What will come out of the woodwork. Yes 35 years is a long time ago, however, my now ex husband kept a lid on his sexual attraction to children from the age of 13 to the age of 47 and no one knew until the knock which came two years after he started looking for images online. In all that time I had no idea. No one did. I've lived a lie for all these years and it's destroyed my family.
I wish there was an easy answer for you. I just can't help feeling you'll be forever plagued by wondering if any other allegations might come to light. Everyone loved my ex too. He was so well loved and known in our community. I wish you all the very best but most of all I wish you peace. X
I wish there was an easy answer for you. I just can't help feeling you'll be forever plagued by wondering if any other allegations might come to light. Everyone loved my ex too. He was so well loved and known in our community. I wish you all the very best but most of all I wish you peace. X
It looks like friends that I have confided in are giving me a massive wide berth. I feel so much shame knowing what I know and I suppose they cannot handle it either. I live in a small town and am actually considering leaving it to start again, which is what my partner has done over the many years I think.
My family are struggling too.
And then I think, what if the allegations are total lies? These adults were very mixed up dysfunctional children at the time - maybe they need someone to blame? A professional that had to make difficult decisions for them?
I KNOW this person, the one I know now, is not that person and at times I feel I can forgive him. But it's the impact it's having on me and my beautiful family. It's devastating.
Thank you all for your support. x
My family are struggling too.
And then I think, what if the allegations are total lies? These adults were very mixed up dysfunctional children at the time - maybe they need someone to blame? A professional that had to make difficult decisions for them?
I KNOW this person, the one I know now, is not that person and at times I feel I can forgive him. But it's the impact it's having on me and my beautiful family. It's devastating.
Thank you all for your support. x
Hi Daisy, it just breaks my heart to know that people are avoiding you for something your person did over 35 years ago. Your OH did wrong, he was punished, has learned from it and rebuilt his life. You have no reason to feel shame, you fell in love with the person your OH is now and not the behaviour of the person he was then. Surely everyone deserves to be given a chance to show remorse, learn and rebuild and to love and be loved.
It must be so difficult being in the middle of your OH and family so my advice is to take your time in deciding what you want to do. Everyone will have their own opinions on your relationship but you need to be able to do what's right for you.
Sending you strength and resilience.
It must be so difficult being in the middle of your OH and family so my advice is to take your time in deciding what you want to do. Everyone will have their own opinions on your relationship but you need to be able to do what's right for you.
Sending you strength and resilience.
Hi Daisy1956
So sorry to read what you are going through. It took me 8 months of trying to deal with my thoughts and feelings around my partners arrest before I had a bit of a breakdown and called the LFF helpline and I so wish I had called sooner. I felt able to rationalise my thoughts and I felt they truly understood my emotions around what had happened - I would highly recommend calling them and talking everything through. I would echo what Ocean said, it was a long time ago and people do change but also know how hard it is to rebuild trust when you find out something that can change your perception of the person you know. Sending lots of love xxxxxxx
So sorry to read what you are going through. It took me 8 months of trying to deal with my thoughts and feelings around my partners arrest before I had a bit of a breakdown and called the LFF helpline and I so wish I had called sooner. I felt able to rationalise my thoughts and I felt they truly understood my emotions around what had happened - I would highly recommend calling them and talking everything through. I would echo what Ocean said, it was a long time ago and people do change but also know how hard it is to rebuild trust when you find out something that can change your perception of the person you know. Sending lots of love xxxxxxx
Ocean, thank you for your supportive reply. Unfortunately the new allegations going back to that time have caused all this. He hadn't told me about his offence and prison sentence; we were due to get married next week. I feel like I can forgive him for the conviction, but the new 3 separate allegations just niggle me.
Have any of you found your OH to be honest about everything after 'the knock'? Or did your OH open up before the 'knock'?
How are we supposed to know how honest our OH is? Have OHs continued to lie after being caught?
How can I ever trust him again about this? I trust him in absolutely everything else!
I'm so shattered. Thank you for your kind replies.
Have any of you found your OH to be honest about everything after 'the knock'? Or did your OH open up before the 'knock'?
How are we supposed to know how honest our OH is? Have OHs continued to lie after being caught?
How can I ever trust him again about this? I trust him in absolutely everything else!
I'm so shattered. Thank you for your kind replies.
Daisy, I think not telling you about his offence or prison sentence is concerning but I guess he was worried you wouldn't want to be with him if you knew. I think many of our people hold back on some of the details for fear of losing the people they love.
If he hadn't been arrested I don't think my person would have told anyone what he was doing. It was his own secret world and he hated himself for not being able to stop what he was doing.
If he hadn't been arrested I don't think my person would have told anyone what he was doing. It was his own secret world and he hated himself for not being able to stop what he was doing.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
All I know is how easy some can groom and manipulate people. I would have trusted my step dad with my life, everyone loved him and he was amazing. Then I found out he had been abusing my children :-( There was never any signs.
I know this is not your situation and your partners offences are historical, I'm just saying how trustworthy people can seem that's all and you never truly know what's going on inside someone's head, it's scary. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust people again.
All I know is how easy some can groom and manipulate people. I would have trusted my step dad with my life, everyone loved him and he was amazing. Then I found out he had been abusing my children :-( There was never any signs.
I know this is not your situation and your partners offences are historical, I'm just saying how trustworthy people can seem that's all and you never truly know what's going on inside someone's head, it's scary. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust people again.
I would be careful about blaming the victims, is it possible they were messed up, dysfunctional children because they were vulnerable and being abused? Whilst he may have rebuilt his life they have had to live their lives with the impacts of abuse and he should accept that and not minimise the pain that he caused. If he can't that would be a huge red flag for me and would indicate he is not rehabilitated if he can't recognise the damage of his offences. I would also be careful not to say that to social services as it would be a red flag that you are minimising the offences and unable to recognise the risks.
I think it's completely up to you but if someone had lied to me and let me nearly commit to a marriage to them without telling me the whole truth about who they were I would question what else they can hide. And also how much they truly cared and respected me if they hadn't given me the truth and let me decide if I was willing to accept the potential fall out of being with them. If these new allegations hadn't happened would he have ever told you the truth?
I think it's completely up to you but if someone had lied to me and let me nearly commit to a marriage to them without telling me the whole truth about who they were I would question what else they can hide. And also how much they truly cared and respected me if they hadn't given me the truth and let me decide if I was willing to accept the potential fall out of being with them. If these new allegations hadn't happened would he have ever told you the truth?