I'm not OK
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Hello ladies, I'm really not OK and I don't have anyone to off load on, I might burst if I don't get these feelings off my chest. Every time I've come to the forum recently I've been negative, I just can't seen to get out of this space.
I am almost 3 years since the knock and a year since media. I thought I would be in a better place than I am, I think I have been but I've slipped back, maybe at the realisation that this is still my life. Life would not be worth it if I didn't have kids and I hate feeling that way.
I'm struggling with many thoughts of the future, missing out, lost dreams and no longer having opportunities that I might of had if this hadn't happened. Almost like I am sad about the things that haven't happened yet that now never will.
I know others have so much worse to worry about and I sound like I'm whining but even my family member not asking me to have their child while they work in the school holidays or not being asked to watch my nephews to help out anymore is so hard. Playdates in my home are non existent, the kids having friends round for tea isn't an option.
The thing is, is my OH was never involved or home before when these things happened, he would always be at work. There has never been a time when he has been alone with any children other than his own that I can think of. So now, that these things no longer happen, I almost feel like I am guilty. I am the worst because I act like and treat myself like I am the wife of a P word. I am still the same person but I feel that I am no longer trustworthy or honest or myself at all. I'm not OK with myself and who I am now.
I am almost 3 years since the knock and a year since media. I thought I would be in a better place than I am, I think I have been but I've slipped back, maybe at the realisation that this is still my life. Life would not be worth it if I didn't have kids and I hate feeling that way.
I'm struggling with many thoughts of the future, missing out, lost dreams and no longer having opportunities that I might of had if this hadn't happened. Almost like I am sad about the things that haven't happened yet that now never will.
I know others have so much worse to worry about and I sound like I'm whining but even my family member not asking me to have their child while they work in the school holidays or not being asked to watch my nephews to help out anymore is so hard. Playdates in my home are non existent, the kids having friends round for tea isn't an option.
The thing is, is my OH was never involved or home before when these things happened, he would always be at work. There has never been a time when he has been alone with any children other than his own that I can think of. So now, that these things no longer happen, I almost feel like I am guilty. I am the worst because I act like and treat myself like I am the wife of a P word. I am still the same person but I feel that I am no longer trustworthy or honest or myself at all. I'm not OK with myself and who I am now.
it's truly horrible and I completely understand the thoughts and feelings that u have as I have also the same feelings views and thoughts my person is a young family member but it shook my world massively and it's now dealing with the aftermath I'm so.sad for him how his life had changed so quickly how now people hate him and think he is the p word ???? it's truly heart wrecking, knowing all the things yiu what to include them in but know you can't as so many other people will feel affected by it knowing he's a massive part of your world it's like living two different life's it's all so traumatising, it's like grieving a life but thr person is alive...it the unknown pr repercussions, it's the hate and venom small village syndrome has also and ex family members , it's like being In the middle of a volcano and you feel like your goijg to explode but your already somehow part of the eruption because we choose to stand by them .. I do hope you'll be OK xx
I think it is a form of grief. We are grieving for the life we had and for the future we had planned that has been ripped away from us through no fault if our own.
I've been having counselling and I think it is helping.
Be kind to yourself and remember we are all here for you x
I've been having counselling and I think it is helping.
Be kind to yourself and remember we are all here for you x
Hi AlwaysHopeful, I'm really sorry to read that you're not Ok. Never apologise for offloading on here. We're here to listen and support each other. Having your dreams taken away from you is hard to come to term with. My Dad died suddenly in his fifties and I know my mum really struggled with the fact that all their plans for the future were over. Life can throw a lot of curve balls at us and can leave us with broken dreams for so many reasons.
I am in a different position to you in that my person is my son. My son now lives with us but we still have his children, my daughters children and friends children to our house. My son is not allowed to be with under 18's unsupervised so we make sure there is always someone around to supervise. Is there a reason why you can't have play dates or children round for tea?
You might not feel it but you're strong, resilient a protective parent and doing the best you can. Your OH is now living in recovery and is no longer the person he was when he offended. Yes your dreams are broken and you need time to grieve for what you've lost, but one day the world will start to seem a little bit brighter again and gradually you'll start to have new dreams.
I don't know why your family members are not asking you to have their children but it might be for different reasons than you think. Maybe they don't want to over load you or give you additional work.
My suggestion is to try one small thing at a time. Could you arrange to take your children to the park with other children and then slowly build on something like that.
I really hope that life soon starts to feel a little bit brighter for you but if it doesn't it might be worth discussing how you feel with your GP.
Sending you a big hug and lots of strength.
I am in a different position to you in that my person is my son. My son now lives with us but we still have his children, my daughters children and friends children to our house. My son is not allowed to be with under 18's unsupervised so we make sure there is always someone around to supervise. Is there a reason why you can't have play dates or children round for tea?
You might not feel it but you're strong, resilient a protective parent and doing the best you can. Your OH is now living in recovery and is no longer the person he was when he offended. Yes your dreams are broken and you need time to grieve for what you've lost, but one day the world will start to seem a little bit brighter again and gradually you'll start to have new dreams.
I don't know why your family members are not asking you to have their children but it might be for different reasons than you think. Maybe they don't want to over load you or give you additional work.
My suggestion is to try one small thing at a time. Could you arrange to take your children to the park with other children and then slowly build on something like that.
I really hope that life soon starts to feel a little bit brighter for you but if it doesn't it might be worth discussing how you feel with your GP.
Sending you a big hug and lots of strength.
I think Anxiousgirl and sadso have made good points. It is grieving, and like grief you just want your life back to how it was. I am two years post sentencing and i still grieve for my old life. I find i get these feelings in waves. I am fine getting on with the new normal and then i am suddenly blindsided by loneliness. No matter how hard i try i still want my old life back. I have yet to make the final decision to stay or go as i dont like either option. Stay and people dont understand, no one comes to the house, i do not have small children but no friends or family want anything to do with him or be in his company, and he never goes out. If he goes, i might lose my home and then live with my adult children but they have their own lives and will be leaving soon, so i really will be on my own. I no longer have a best friend as she dumped me a week into this journey, so I have no one to reach out to if i feel low, except for the lovely people on this forum.
Sorry I think i have gone off ona tangent.
Never be worried about always being negative. If that is how you feel then it is ok to be always negative here, we are here to hear you, listen to you and help in any way we can. X
Sorry I think i have gone off ona tangent.
Never be worried about always being negative. If that is how you feel then it is ok to be always negative here, we are here to hear you, listen to you and help in any way we can. X
Hi Always Hopeful
i don't have much to say as I am quite fresh into this journey myself but what I wanted to say was thank you for sharing as I could of written what you have wrote myself, I feel exactly the same. Reading the words of comfort and reassurance has been lovely (Ocean I have read over your words many times)
Sending love xxxx
i don't have much to say as I am quite fresh into this journey myself but what I wanted to say was thank you for sharing as I could of written what you have wrote myself, I feel exactly the same. Reading the words of comfort and reassurance has been lovely (Ocean I have read over your words many times)
Sending love xxxx
Hi AwaysHopeful.....
my sister lost her son to suicide a couple of years before my son was arrested. We often discussed emotions and she said my journey was infact the same as hers and I was grieving.
when I feel low, I think of these conversations and I thank god I still have my son - she does not, it jerks me back into realising life could actually be worse.
i really hope you are getting extra support which I'm sure the forum ladies can advise you with and who to contact.
can I give you a hug, the sadness in your post touched me and so have the responses x.
my sister lost her son to suicide a couple of years before my son was arrested. We often discussed emotions and she said my journey was infact the same as hers and I was grieving.
when I feel low, I think of these conversations and I thank god I still have my son - she does not, it jerks me back into realising life could actually be worse.
i really hope you are getting extra support which I'm sure the forum ladies can advise you with and who to contact.
can I give you a hug, the sadness in your post touched me and so have the responses x.
Always x
Just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug and please never apologise, this is the one place you can open up and let us know how you are feeling etc
We are here for each other xx
Just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug and please never apologise, this is the one place you can open up and let us know how you are feeling etc
We are here for each other xx
I don't have much to offer either, as I am 'new' to this. I totally understand where you are and feel the same. My new friends that know have made themselves scarce(I moved to this area 18 months ago). The ones who don't know I can't tell because I know it will rock their lives. It's done that to my family already and we're only 2 months in.
I feel totally lost too, scared for my future and stupid for trusting in someone so deeply.
I met friends of his today who know nothing. He has made a new life for himself over the years (historical crime, 35 years ago) but I look at them and feel jealous actually; they're oblivious. They're so lucky.
So I am very grateful to be able to share on here and I so wish that none of you needed to be on this forum, but I appreciate your honesty.
I send you all my love and strength and thank you.
xxx
I feel totally lost too, scared for my future and stupid for trusting in someone so deeply.
I met friends of his today who know nothing. He has made a new life for himself over the years (historical crime, 35 years ago) but I look at them and feel jealous actually; they're oblivious. They're so lucky.
So I am very grateful to be able to share on here and I so wish that none of you needed to be on this forum, but I appreciate your honesty.
I send you all my love and strength and thank you.
xxx
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Well I finally let it all out, I've been on auto pilot the past few months and I knew I was going to break. A few things went on and I just couldn't take anymore, I let it all out to a family member and a friend, I'm really lucky that I do have people that support me, they don't 100% understand but they are there for me.
Sadso, yes, everything you have said I understand, feeling like you have two different lives is so unfair.
Anxious girl- I have been having counselling, I'm trying to move on so I don't talk about this loads anymore but these past few weeks have been a bit rocky
Ocean- I feel in a very different position because I think I am judged mainly for staying. The 'how can I be with him' thing. I can't imagine anyone would let their child come to my home when people think I live with a P-word even supervised or even if he isn't home.
Webb89- I do find that people do not come to my house and I am trying to move on as normal but then something always seems to knock me back. You have a big decision to make and I feel for you, it's unfair to be put in this position.
FelicityWish- Ive had all of these worries since day 1 but as soon as the media coverage happened everything became real. There's no coming back from the media, it's been the worst part for me.
Smile through tears- I agree, I'd rather have him and I'd rather my kids have their dad all the time.
Daisy1956 - I have lost friends on this journey, I wonder when certain people talk to me if they just haven't heard and would they speak to me if they knew.
Quietlife- I am happy for your NFA outcome, I'm sure in time things will settle and you will move on from this.
Thank you for all of your kind words, advice, hugs and support. I really needed it.
Sadso, yes, everything you have said I understand, feeling like you have two different lives is so unfair.
Anxious girl- I have been having counselling, I'm trying to move on so I don't talk about this loads anymore but these past few weeks have been a bit rocky
Ocean- I feel in a very different position because I think I am judged mainly for staying. The 'how can I be with him' thing. I can't imagine anyone would let their child come to my home when people think I live with a P-word even supervised or even if he isn't home.
Webb89- I do find that people do not come to my house and I am trying to move on as normal but then something always seems to knock me back. You have a big decision to make and I feel for you, it's unfair to be put in this position.
FelicityWish- Ive had all of these worries since day 1 but as soon as the media coverage happened everything became real. There's no coming back from the media, it's been the worst part for me.
Smile through tears- I agree, I'd rather have him and I'd rather my kids have their dad all the time.
Daisy1956 - I have lost friends on this journey, I wonder when certain people talk to me if they just haven't heard and would they speak to me if they knew.
Quietlife- I am happy for your NFA outcome, I'm sure in time things will settle and you will move on from this.
Thank you for all of your kind words, advice, hugs and support. I really needed it.
AlwaysHopeful I am so glad you have been able to confide in someone and that they are supportive. We all need that. Lots of love x