Family member in denial
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I'm so confused and need some clarity.
A family friend living with my mother was arrested and charged for looking at indecent images,he was given a shpo order which stated that he was not to be under the same roof as any child under 16 which became a hindrance as I have 2 children who once a week would go over to their nans to see her.My mum took this hard and didnt even bother telling myself or my partner for well over a year until he had been sentenced which caused a huge rift but eventually we overcame it and agreed that she would supervise the kids around the home, as time went on the kids missed sleeping over my mums. I knew and tried to tell my mum that it wasnt possible and I wasnt happy for it but she wouldnt listen so i told her to talk to the police officer who was visiting her home, she has always made excuses for what happened and has been in denial saying that it was police trapping him etc and she knows he is innocent as he was drunk etc so when she put a idea to the officer of her staying awake all night and he said no and called in social services everything went very bad.
I see it how it is and respect the laws and risks of this person and am not prepared to put my kids at risk and social services knew it but my mum became very defensive and made excuses for him saying that he done one thing wrong etc and shouldnt be punished further by not seeing the kids, she then said she went to the park with him and my kids and totally did not see anything wrong in it as she believed him, I was upset and angry at this and tried to show her that he was a risk and to do the right thing by the kids that only she should see them and protect them of risk, social came back and said they want to close the case as they see I'm very good at safeguarding but they dont see my mum protecting them properly, so she didnt even come to the final meeting when hearing this, I sorted it and said I would supervise instead of them calling someone in and they was happy for that but my mum is now being extremely cruel to me and told me I'm bullying her and trying to make me feel bad for protecting my boys, she is in total denial and has now said that she wont see us anymore as I never let her see the kids with him, im trying to explain of course I wont but she believes social would support her and realise its all a mistake and he is innocent.
She told me I'm evil and all I'm trying to do is get rid of him but all I see is i am protecting my kids and I agree with social that he shouldnt be around them with her, these were class A images, the worst in the eyes of the law and his sentence reflected this, how do I show her this isnt personal against her or him, it's about the risk factors,she takes it personally telling me I should be nice to him etc as he is thinking of leaving my boys money in his will or he went to the shop and brought them chocolate, but threatens me by saying the decision i make will ruin my boys futures as they wont get anything from them, I'm so angry she is using these things to try to control me and I will never put up with this as I dont want anything for them except to know their nanny cares they are safe and choosing them which she isnt doing but I do love my mum and just see total denial and is afraid to end up alone, how do I go forward in a talk with her without it getting so hurtful
A family friend living with my mother was arrested and charged for looking at indecent images,he was given a shpo order which stated that he was not to be under the same roof as any child under 16 which became a hindrance as I have 2 children who once a week would go over to their nans to see her.My mum took this hard and didnt even bother telling myself or my partner for well over a year until he had been sentenced which caused a huge rift but eventually we overcame it and agreed that she would supervise the kids around the home, as time went on the kids missed sleeping over my mums. I knew and tried to tell my mum that it wasnt possible and I wasnt happy for it but she wouldnt listen so i told her to talk to the police officer who was visiting her home, she has always made excuses for what happened and has been in denial saying that it was police trapping him etc and she knows he is innocent as he was drunk etc so when she put a idea to the officer of her staying awake all night and he said no and called in social services everything went very bad.
I see it how it is and respect the laws and risks of this person and am not prepared to put my kids at risk and social services knew it but my mum became very defensive and made excuses for him saying that he done one thing wrong etc and shouldnt be punished further by not seeing the kids, she then said she went to the park with him and my kids and totally did not see anything wrong in it as she believed him, I was upset and angry at this and tried to show her that he was a risk and to do the right thing by the kids that only she should see them and protect them of risk, social came back and said they want to close the case as they see I'm very good at safeguarding but they dont see my mum protecting them properly, so she didnt even come to the final meeting when hearing this, I sorted it and said I would supervise instead of them calling someone in and they was happy for that but my mum is now being extremely cruel to me and told me I'm bullying her and trying to make me feel bad for protecting my boys, she is in total denial and has now said that she wont see us anymore as I never let her see the kids with him, im trying to explain of course I wont but she believes social would support her and realise its all a mistake and he is innocent.
She told me I'm evil and all I'm trying to do is get rid of him but all I see is i am protecting my kids and I agree with social that he shouldnt be around them with her, these were class A images, the worst in the eyes of the law and his sentence reflected this, how do I show her this isnt personal against her or him, it's about the risk factors,she takes it personally telling me I should be nice to him etc as he is thinking of leaving my boys money in his will or he went to the shop and brought them chocolate, but threatens me by saying the decision i make will ruin my boys futures as they wont get anything from them, I'm so angry she is using these things to try to control me and I will never put up with this as I dont want anything for them except to know their nanny cares they are safe and choosing them which she isnt doing but I do love my mum and just see total denial and is afraid to end up alone, how do I go forward in a talk with her without it getting so hurtful
Thankyou x
So today i got the social report and as they can see im a very protective parent and as they have confirmed they are worried about my mum defending him, tt they are closing the case as i will supervise all contacts, she can see the kids anytime without him but this hasnt made her happy and is now saying she is thinking of moving away with him to a new area and not see the kids anymore as i caused her name to be blackened.
She cant see that the only reason social got involved is cos he is a registered sex offender and i have kids but she doesnt see how this affects us too and said she didnt even get told what he was, she is telling me its all my fault and its nothing to do with him, its how ive acted with social and agreeing with them instead of her so is now leaving us all.
Im sad with this decision but im taking advice and waiting to see till she comes around
All the best for you xxx
So today i got the social report and as they can see im a very protective parent and as they have confirmed they are worried about my mum defending him, tt they are closing the case as i will supervise all contacts, she can see the kids anytime without him but this hasnt made her happy and is now saying she is thinking of moving away with him to a new area and not see the kids anymore as i caused her name to be blackened.
She cant see that the only reason social got involved is cos he is a registered sex offender and i have kids but she doesnt see how this affects us too and said she didnt even get told what he was, she is telling me its all my fault and its nothing to do with him, its how ive acted with social and agreeing with them instead of her so is now leaving us all.
Im sad with this decision but im taking advice and waiting to see till she comes around
All the best for you xxx
I'm shocked to read this and I'm sorry to see you in this position. At the end of the day your kids are the priority and your doing the right thing. Your mum can get upset and strop all she wants but you need to be firm. Kids come first and it will be how you say it. Don't listen to the emotional blackmail re money etc. Your doing the right thing.
UPDATE
Convicted person broke shpo order and nobody informed me again, I found out recently through media coverage of crown courts. I've been battling my mother all this time as she doesnt see the crimes, she even has complained about the visor team leader accusing him of targeting the offender on purpose and it was the police fault for it going back to crown court, I'm an so disgusted by her, I cant even talk to her anymore, everytime she attacks me blaming me for her life falling apart which it has as I wont let her see my kids without strict conditions where he now has to leave the property before my kids visit which she looks at as unnecessary as to her he would never do anything as he has never touched a child, it was only as she calls it online, nothing to do with children! I am so frustrated and so angry not thinking of the crimes against children in those images and videos etc and the fact that if no one was watching it there wouldnt be a need to make it therefore ALL who do are just as guilty as those who make it. I'm fed up of the abuse, I've cut her out of my life as best as I can due to her verbal abuse and trying to turn others against me and her distorted perception of it all.
Convicted person broke shpo order and nobody informed me again, I found out recently through media coverage of crown courts. I've been battling my mother all this time as she doesnt see the crimes, she even has complained about the visor team leader accusing him of targeting the offender on purpose and it was the police fault for it going back to crown court, I'm an so disgusted by her, I cant even talk to her anymore, everytime she attacks me blaming me for her life falling apart which it has as I wont let her see my kids without strict conditions where he now has to leave the property before my kids visit which she looks at as unnecessary as to her he would never do anything as he has never touched a child, it was only as she calls it online, nothing to do with children! I am so frustrated and so angry not thinking of the crimes against children in those images and videos etc and the fact that if no one was watching it there wouldnt be a need to make it therefore ALL who do are just as guilty as those who make it. I'm fed up of the abuse, I've cut her out of my life as best as I can due to her verbal abuse and trying to turn others against me and her distorted perception of it all.
Denchmum,
what a terrible time you have had! Your mums behaviour is disgraceful and I'm so sorry that you have been put through this. You have to look after and protect your children and she is in denial if she can't understand that.
I am a nanna and I have left my partner who was arrested in July . My daughter was very concerned about my granddaughter and I would never ever let him anywhere near her. They are just too precious to put them at any risk.
It sounds like your mum is in denial and hopefully one day she will realise what she could lose. You are an amazing mum and you are doing what you should be doing... keeping your children safe.
what a terrible time you have had! Your mums behaviour is disgraceful and I'm so sorry that you have been put through this. You have to look after and protect your children and she is in denial if she can't understand that.
I am a nanna and I have left my partner who was arrested in July . My daughter was very concerned about my granddaughter and I would never ever let him anywhere near her. They are just too precious to put them at any risk.
It sounds like your mum is in denial and hopefully one day she will realise what she could lose. You are an amazing mum and you are doing what you should be doing... keeping your children safe.
That's terrible, she does have to take the restrictions seriously, as does the guy obviously. Indeed regardless she has to take your concerns seriously too, they are your children, and you choose who they see anyway. She clearly in denial how serious the police and courts treat this. However, that doesn't translate to her concerns about the fairness of the conviction. Obviously I don't know the details, but certainly in my partners case I felt the case was overzealous, the evidence misreprested, and there was a huge case of confirmation bias. For example you can agree that a Class A image is terrible, but it's more about how the image got viewed in the first place, and whether they knew that the image was terrible before it appeared on the screen. Maybe the best approach is too take seriouly her concerns that the case was not fair, saying she is in denial about that is going to alienate her. She may be right or wrong, few people will know for sure. But point out that you can't beat the system, and she is actually taking steps that could further criminalise him, and cause you probelms with social services.