Can't cope.
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Nearly 4 years since my Dad was arrested for IIOC and given a suspended sentence and registration. I can't cope. My life has fallen apart and I have not felt happy since. I can't sleep. I am tormented every day. He also had a previous offence that I never knew about so my past just feels like a lie. He has destroyed my past, present and future. I don't see how I will ever feel any differently to this hell.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Have you been able to access specialist counselling? While my situation is different (my 'OH' in my case, still waiting on forensics), I've also had to come to terms with massive parental failing, violence and addiction in my parents' case. I guess my experience is that people are incredibly complicated. Its quite possible that both sides of your dad, the father you remember and the man who has committed these awful offences, are equally real and equally 'him'. This is how I've come to see my stepdad, who was violent but also lots of other things which were hard to reconcile with the violrnce. I think far more people than we realise carry those burdens around. Individuals and families have all sorts of secrets sadly. My other insight is that you and your worth as a person are absolutely 100% not defined by your parents. But I'm not any kind of expert! If you haven't been on to them already hopefully the LFF helpline will be able ti point you in the right direction.
This is so sad to read from the perspective of a parent with young children. My person is my OH, my childrens dad. He is on the register for 2 years overall, so when my children are older/adults this will hopefully be a very distant traumatic memory. I'm sure a lot of other mothers on here will hope for the same. I've not thought about having to tell them and I would say that as far as the past offence goes, you probably were never told because the adults around you thought it would be for the best. I'm so sorry that it seems like your past has been ruined.
NJ, I'm sorry you feel this way, I hadn't thought of this through the perspective of a parent/child relationship. Have you tried calling the helpline, they are so kind and supportive and sometimes speaking your feelings out loud really helps x
My kids are adults and don't want anything to do with their Dad. How might this affect them? My eldest has already expressed concerns. So sad.
I've had lots of counselling, I don't know if it's specialist counselling, are there counsellors that specialise in this? I did have some counselling through stop it now but the counsellor was very formal and I didn't really gel with him I didn't feel like I could speak freely.
He kept it from my mum though and they were not together, divorced when I was much younger. I was under 18 when he was arrested and charged and put on the register for his first offence.