Access to my children
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Hi, I'm new here and really struggling with no real support.
In January my ex and father of my children was arrested for having a cat A video on his phone. He said it was an accidental download and he hadn't viewed it. I stupidly and naively believed him. Child services closed case, he was only on bail with restriction for a month. Since the bail was lifted my young children have gone to him every other weekend as they had been before as I believed this was a genuine mistake. They children look forward to going and are happy when they come home.
Fast forward 6 months the device search has shown that there are over 300 deleted images, search history and some chatroom activity. My mind is blown. The police say this is no suprise to them but they never prepare me for this.
It will now go to crown court and be all over town.
I now don't know what do about him seeing his children. Child services don't believe he is a risk but if he likes that kind of content how can anyone say the children are not at risk.
I have no one to talk to, I'm sad, confused and sick to my stomach.
Any advice or support welcome.
Thank you, sorry for the long post
Xx
In January my ex and father of my children was arrested for having a cat A video on his phone. He said it was an accidental download and he hadn't viewed it. I stupidly and naively believed him. Child services closed case, he was only on bail with restriction for a month. Since the bail was lifted my young children have gone to him every other weekend as they had been before as I believed this was a genuine mistake. They children look forward to going and are happy when they come home.
Fast forward 6 months the device search has shown that there are over 300 deleted images, search history and some chatroom activity. My mind is blown. The police say this is no suprise to them but they never prepare me for this.
It will now go to crown court and be all over town.
I now don't know what do about him seeing his children. Child services don't believe he is a risk but if he likes that kind of content how can anyone say the children are not at risk.
I have no one to talk to, I'm sad, confused and sick to my stomach.
Any advice or support welcome.
Thank you, sorry for the long post
Xx
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in such a traumatic place it must have been such a shock to find that things were worse than you expected.
With regards to your person having access to your children I think you really have to go with your gut instinct until he goes for sentencing after which you may find he has restrictions to limit his contact. My person is my son and his offence was communication and due to his SHPO he is unable to have his children unsupervised. With our supervision though he has them to stay at weekends, at least one day in the week and school holidays.
I think the thing to remember is that there are different reasons why people behave in the way your person has and in many cases it won't be because they have a sexual attraction to children. The important thing is that they recognise their reasons why and get help in finding ways to prevent the risk of reoffending again.
If you haven't already done so I recommend contacting the LFF helpline as they will be able to listen to your concerns and advise you. You also need to look after yourself. You're going through a lot at the moment and need to make sure you find time for self care.
With regards to your person having access to your children I think you really have to go with your gut instinct until he goes for sentencing after which you may find he has restrictions to limit his contact. My person is my son and his offence was communication and due to his SHPO he is unable to have his children unsupervised. With our supervision though he has them to stay at weekends, at least one day in the week and school holidays.
I think the thing to remember is that there are different reasons why people behave in the way your person has and in many cases it won't be because they have a sexual attraction to children. The important thing is that they recognise their reasons why and get help in finding ways to prevent the risk of reoffending again.
If you haven't already done so I recommend contacting the LFF helpline as they will be able to listen to your concerns and advise you. You also need to look after yourself. You're going through a lot at the moment and need to make sure you find time for self care.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
I feel so paranoid now that there is more. He says he doesn't know why he's done it but that doesn't help me.
I know that my children need to have a relationship with their dad but I want to make sure he's sees hem in a way that safe for everyone.
I'm terrified of what will happen in court and the sentencing.
It a total nightmare!
I feel so paranoid now that there is more. He says he doesn't know why he's done it but that doesn't help me.
I know that my children need to have a relationship with their dad but I want to make sure he's sees hem in a way that safe for everyone.
I'm terrified of what will happen in court and the sentencing.
It a total nightmare!
Hi,
I'm so sorry the police didn't prepare you for this, your ex lied and the SS isn't helping you at this moment.
As a parent you have the duty to safeguard your child, so if you feel he is a risk, you can and should take any reasonable steps to safeguard the kids. Have you tried to self report your family to social services? You could tell them you are concerned that the father might be a sexual and emotional risk to the kids, and therefore need assistance in shaping visitation in a way that is safe for all. You could try requesting they do an assessment on your ex (they'd probably then do one on you as well).
Looking at it from your ex's perspective, it would be best for him to have a second adult (who knows what has happened) present, as then there is no space for false allegations.
Although having contact with their dad is very important, it is only in the scope when it is safe to do so.
I'm so sorry the police didn't prepare you for this, your ex lied and the SS isn't helping you at this moment.
As a parent you have the duty to safeguard your child, so if you feel he is a risk, you can and should take any reasonable steps to safeguard the kids. Have you tried to self report your family to social services? You could tell them you are concerned that the father might be a sexual and emotional risk to the kids, and therefore need assistance in shaping visitation in a way that is safe for all. You could try requesting they do an assessment on your ex (they'd probably then do one on you as well).
Looking at it from your ex's perspective, it would be best for him to have a second adult (who knows what has happened) present, as then there is no space for false allegations.
Although having contact with their dad is very important, it is only in the scope when it is safe to do so.
Thank you hopelesscared,
It's so hard as when I see him I just see my useless ex who was lazy it's so hard to see a sex offender.
As with all offenders it seems he keeps saying he doesn't know why he did it as he has no interest in children but he still did it and more than once
I have spoken social services to help me put a family safety plan in place and I have reduced contact.
I've made the children watch the NSPCC pants video a million times and we talk lots about what ok and what's not ok.
It's an absolute minefield field to walk alone, the police just keep telling to do what I think is right but how can I possibly know what's right.
It's so hard as when I see him I just see my useless ex who was lazy it's so hard to see a sex offender.
As with all offenders it seems he keeps saying he doesn't know why he did it as he has no interest in children but he still did it and more than once
I have spoken social services to help me put a family safety plan in place and I have reduced contact.
I've made the children watch the NSPCC pants video a million times and we talk lots about what ok and what's not ok.
It's an absolute minefield field to walk alone, the police just keep telling to do what I think is right but how can I possibly know what's right.