Family and Friends Forum

Trytogetitright2024 we find ourselves on a road less travelled. I empathise with you. To protect our family we are compelled to not speak our truth and I agree this doesn’t sit easily when it’s not been our way. I believe that many mouths are many mouths so keeping our story to ourselves is necessary but it’s a burden too. To survive I have confided in a couple of friends and sought counselling . I try to keep busy and active but admit too to often feeling exhausted by it all . Strength to you

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I felt like my head was going to explode from keeping secrets and lying.

A couple of people knew at the start but eventually I had to tell my closest friend.

It was in the press several times so keeping it a secret was no longer an option.

I haven't done anything wrong so I no longer tell those big lies.

Hi, I think we can all relate to this in some way. It is really difficult because we are lying and hiding things to protect our loved ones, and not because of something we’ve done. I’ve never liked lying and always prefer to be open about things because lies eat you up and it’s exhausting trying to remember what you’ve told people etc.



I even find it as simple as just telling people that I’m okay. Especially with family or friends who ask how everything is which is just normal conversation and I have to pretend everything is fine. Acting “normal” when you feel awful inside and not like yourself anymore is a challenge.



Even those I can confide in recommend going out with family or friends to distract myself but I always feel like I am just performing and can’t wait to just go home and be alone where I don’t have to talk about it, or not talk about it.



It’s an incredibly isolating and draining experience to go through. The guilt that comes with it is so difficult to manage too.



We just have to remind ourselves that we’re only human and are doing our best in a situation which is not our fault. We have to try and look after our loved ones, maintain our everyday life, AND try and look after ourselves. We try and do what’s right whilst staying safe. It is a lot for anyone to carry so we must be kind to ourselves.

I resonate so much with what you’re saying - I’ve felt like that for a while. My therapist always reminds me that I am the only owner of my life, my information, and my story and what i want to share and with who.

It help me feel pressured about giving answers to others and set up some boundaries or having a bit more control of my narrative. You’re not alone, a big hug for you!

Sending love to you, I feel exactly the same, it's so hard xx

Hello All,

even though OH has had NFA, I still feel like I'm living a lie, I know something no one else does about him and am very conscious of conversation I've had, as to why he withdrew away from everything and everyone socially, I don't want to be seen as not being truth full, even though no one will ever find out why!

it all very hard, you breath a sigh of relief and then the narrative changes!

hope you all have a good weekend, enjoy the sunshine, while it lasts.

xx

As much as it's awful when the story is printed by the media, for me it was also a relief as it meant we had nothing left to hide and could start being our authentic selves.

I really feel for those of you that are having to hide the truth as I remember very well how exhausting it is and how badly it affected my anxiety.

I hate lying too. It is hard to remember what I ja e previously said and therefore risk getting caught out...

So I have lived with the approach of just keeping it a secret...no one has put two and two together and asked me direct- I still don't know how I would respond. I also apply I only tell those who have to know.

I kept it from my mum for four years....and would have liked to keep it that way but the police made it near impossible.

The issue is that my person has the no contact clause (despite his offense not being direct contact). Because I habe family with children I had to tell an aunt and uncle (thankfully they have agreed for it it to not go any further so that side of the family don't know). My mum's side have kids I don't see often, and we had made excuses to ensure my person would not be around them.

However the police at first were wanting me to disclose to the parents despite I'm not close to them and are not local. So I told my mum because this was going to impact her being her side of the family. But the next day the police said they agree (for now) that I didn't need to disclose!

It was horrible to share the news to my mum, and admit I have kept a secret for four years. I thought she would be angry with me but she wasn't mad at me, only concerned for my well-being.

With her help though I am able to know if the kids are down to visit other family (so I can avoid bumping into them with my person). No one in my family have asked why my person hasn't come to family events for the past four years....I dread the day someone figures out we avoid them...

If people do pry (because my person hasn't got access to his kids) I just say it isn't by business to divulge the reasons why, that is a good tactic to move the convo over.

But I do worry about the what ifs...

I have friends who may have kids before the SHPO ends, and then I have no choice. With distant family or is manageable, but close friends we go on holiday together and meet up often...it would be so hard to keep my person away.

I guess I'm silly just hoping that they have kids much later. My person has looked into getting the clause removed, but it will cost a lot of money which they do not have. It ends in 2029....

Buckets, would you mind telling me approximately how much it costs to get an amendment on a SHPO. I've seen people post on here that it costs a lot but I've no idea how much a lot is.

We were quoted a minimum 6k, this is to cover a full assessment as no previous assessments are able to be used as evidence.

My person has gone through probation, and two private assessments assessing his risk to his own children- but that was for family court. Amendments to SHPO is through crown court.

Unfortunately I didn't know about this forum until after he was sentenced. If we knew that he had good grounds to challenge the contact clause then we would have done. The solicitor was useless, and tbh a copy of the SHPO was only provided a few days before the sentencing

Buckets, thank you for the information. My person was only shown his SHPO at court and was far too nervous about the sentencing to take much notice of the SHPO. The judge told the prosecution off for copying and pasting the restrictions in the SHPO and had a couple of things amended during sentencing but unfortunately did not comment on the 'no unsupervised contact with under 18 year olds'. We tried to appeal it after sentencing but the solicitor refused and we couldn't get any other solicitor to take it on in time.
£6000 is a lot of money. I wonder if it could be done without a solicitor.

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SoTired, that's so helpful. I wasn't aware of the disclosure clause so thank you for explaining. It's definately made me think again.