Just can't believe it...
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Hi, I'm new.
My son was arrested roughly 18 months ago for downloading iioc. He was just 19 at the time. It had been going on for almost a year.
Shocked doesn't even begin to cover it, as I'm sure you can all relate.
We chose to believe his story that he had accepted a friend request and been sent them unsolicited but had thought they were legal images, and had also got bombarded and didn't know what to do. This was plausible as he's always been prone to doing stupid things and then not knowing how to fix it, so ignore it and hope it goes away...
He was sentenced a few months ago - suspended sentences, with the judge telling him he'd been given a second chance and to sort his life out.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago... DH went to report him missing as he hadn't answered his phone for over 24 hours, we'd been to his bedsit to find the door wide open but no sign... only he wasn't missing, he'd been arrested again and is now being held on remand...
He's been doing it again since the first day after being sentenced.
We did tell him while we were waiting for his original case to be heard that if he did it again then we'd know he's lied to us and that with him having younger siblings, he wouldn't be able to be part of the family... Well he's clearly made his choice hasn't he?
I'm devastated. I don't know what to do, how to feel? I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm mourning the gorgeous boy I had, while having the man he's become...
Help...
My son was arrested roughly 18 months ago for downloading iioc. He was just 19 at the time. It had been going on for almost a year.
Shocked doesn't even begin to cover it, as I'm sure you can all relate.
We chose to believe his story that he had accepted a friend request and been sent them unsolicited but had thought they were legal images, and had also got bombarded and didn't know what to do. This was plausible as he's always been prone to doing stupid things and then not knowing how to fix it, so ignore it and hope it goes away...
He was sentenced a few months ago - suspended sentences, with the judge telling him he'd been given a second chance and to sort his life out.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago... DH went to report him missing as he hadn't answered his phone for over 24 hours, we'd been to his bedsit to find the door wide open but no sign... only he wasn't missing, he'd been arrested again and is now being held on remand...
He's been doing it again since the first day after being sentenced.
We did tell him while we were waiting for his original case to be heard that if he did it again then we'd know he's lied to us and that with him having younger siblings, he wouldn't be able to be part of the family... Well he's clearly made his choice hasn't he?
I'm devastated. I don't know what to do, how to feel? I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm mourning the gorgeous boy I had, while having the man he's become...
Help...
I don't have any advice as my person is my husband, which is quite straightforward in comparison- as a mum I know the feelings of a mother to her child are so much more complex. I just wanted to say I've seen your post, I'm so sorry you're going through hell, and you must be distraught. I'm sure you'll get a more useful reply soon but here's a hand to hold x
Oh how my heart goes out to you. As a mum myself the risk of reoffending is always at the back of my mind but we hope and pray it doesn't happen.
I can only imagine the pain you are in, but give it some time. Your son, just like my son and the sons of other parents on here are broken but just because they are broken doesn't stop us from loving them. I really hope that your son now gets the help and support he needs to enter recovery and his chance of rehabilitation.
I can only imagine the pain you are in, but give it some time. Your son, just like my son and the sons of other parents on here are broken but just because they are broken doesn't stop us from loving them. I really hope that your son now gets the help and support he needs to enter recovery and his chance of rehabilitation.
Hi Devastated Mum
Another Mum here who's son had a suspended sentence & then was re-arrested.
He is now on remand & learning what prison life is really like.
What has scared me is how quickly he has 'settled' in & just accepted his fate.
We can choose to stand by them & help them to change their lives,but we cannot make it happen if they have given up. I really hope I am wrong.
Another Mum here who's son had a suspended sentence & then was re-arrested.
He is now on remand & learning what prison life is really like.
What has scared me is how quickly he has 'settled' in & just accepted his fate.
We can choose to stand by them & help them to change their lives,but we cannot make it happen if they have given up. I really hope I am wrong.
I always said if my son ever reoffended that will be it - our relationship ended. To think after all the pain and suffering we've been through over the years to get him through prison and he blatantly did it again. Just how could he really respect and love us to do it again.
But could I do it - could I cut the ties, I think it's another situation you've got to be in to understand and make that decision.
Sending you a big hug Devasted Mum xxxxx
But could I do it - could I cut the ties, I think it's another situation you've got to be in to understand and make that decision.
Sending you a big hug Devasted Mum xxxxx
Hi there,
I've been a bit AWOL on here lately but do check in and your post really resonated with me as although he's much older than your son, ours is very similar regarding what we know of his offences and what he was like as a young man.As he is now a dad himself and in a demanding job where he is very successful we had assumed he had 'grown up'. We are in the waiting stage - 18 months since arrest and still not charged - but we have told him that our support is going to be there as long as he works on the whys of his turning to this horrid crime. He appears to be doing this but I do feel wobbly about what might be going on in his mind and whether he is truly repentant. He gives us no reason to think this but he's not very good at talking about feelings and serious stuff so we haven't really had many deep converstaions with him. Reoffending is in my mind too and I guess it will be forever, along with what we would do if he did reoffend in the future. All I can say to you is that your son is still your son and it's OK to stil love him alongside your anger, disappointment and distress. Perhaps he needed a big wake-up call to realise the true extent of his behaviour, maybe he has an addiction which hasn't been addressed, maybe he has some kind of neurodivergent thing going on (we are beginning to suspect that our son is on the autistic spectrum) which affects his ability to empathise or understand the level of harm he has done to his relationship with those who love him. If he is released on bail again I would really encourage him to contact the LFF if he hasn't already and seek some help with what is clearly more than just a temporary blip. I feel for you so much and send a big hug. Do send me a private message if you'd like to talk more xxx
I've been a bit AWOL on here lately but do check in and your post really resonated with me as although he's much older than your son, ours is very similar regarding what we know of his offences and what he was like as a young man.As he is now a dad himself and in a demanding job where he is very successful we had assumed he had 'grown up'. We are in the waiting stage - 18 months since arrest and still not charged - but we have told him that our support is going to be there as long as he works on the whys of his turning to this horrid crime. He appears to be doing this but I do feel wobbly about what might be going on in his mind and whether he is truly repentant. He gives us no reason to think this but he's not very good at talking about feelings and serious stuff so we haven't really had many deep converstaions with him. Reoffending is in my mind too and I guess it will be forever, along with what we would do if he did reoffend in the future. All I can say to you is that your son is still your son and it's OK to stil love him alongside your anger, disappointment and distress. Perhaps he needed a big wake-up call to realise the true extent of his behaviour, maybe he has an addiction which hasn't been addressed, maybe he has some kind of neurodivergent thing going on (we are beginning to suspect that our son is on the autistic spectrum) which affects his ability to empathise or understand the level of harm he has done to his relationship with those who love him. If he is released on bail again I would really encourage him to contact the LFF if he hasn't already and seek some help with what is clearly more than just a temporary blip. I feel for you so much and send a big hug. Do send me a private message if you'd like to talk more xxx
Thank you all for your kind words.
To be honest, we've had no real information other than what was reported in the papers.
Son hasn't actually contacted us and the police won't tell you anything. We don't even know where he is or why the door to his bedsit was left wide open...
To be honest, we've had no real information other than what was reported in the papers.
Son hasn't actually contacted us and the police won't tell you anything. We don't even know where he is or why the door to his bedsit was left wide open...
He is neurodivergent (diagnosed as borderline ADHD/ODD) around y7 or 8.
I'm wishing I'd pushed harder on that as he was supposed to have a follow up appointment but never did (waiting lists and children's services here are horrendous)
I'm wishing I'd pushed harder on that as he was supposed to have a follow up appointment but never did (waiting lists and children's services here are horrendous)
Hi, I sort of know how you feel. My now ex husband was arrested for the second time and is waiting to go to court and will be heading back to prison for the second time. It's ruined my life. I'm sorry for what you're going through. X
Devastated x
I cannot add anymore to what has been mentioned already by these lovely ladies xx
Sending strength and hugs to you xx
I cannot add anymore to what has been mentioned already by these lovely ladies xx
Sending strength and hugs to you xx
Devastated - hindsight is a very cruel thing to deal with. Our son was in a very controlling marriage which we had noticed and we often wondered how it might be affecting him mentally. Of course we can't be sure he wouldn't have offended anyway but it's enough of a likelihood that this relationship might have been a factor to make us wish we'd interfered - but we thought it might alienate him from us and we wanted to keep in a relationship with him so we could help if asked plus keep an eye on our grandchildren Little did we know how we would be called upon to help him one day. And definitely not the way we would have imagined or wanted! So try not to kick yourself for not pushing harder for some help for your son. There are other mums of neurodivergent sons who post on here and some recommendations for solicitors who have expertise in this field so hopefully they will read your post and comment (or you could do a search yourself)
All the best xx
All the best xx