Family and Friends Forum

It does get better although will admit it does take time - and in my case medication.

I am almost 2 years post knock. I ended my long marriage as couldn't cope with the lies I was having to tell and no longer trusting him. Hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Now at the point of trying to figure out what my future holds. Won't lie. It is a scary thought.

Some days I'm optimistic - other days not so.

He has blown our immediate family to pieces. Not sure it can be mended which makes me so sad.

Take care of yourself x

Hi,

we are almost four years post knock and three post sentencing. We don't live together but we are working on our relationship. For me there has been a huge shift in my happiness since sentencing. It was like I was waiting for the outcome to move forward.
I still have times where I grieve our life together but I'm happy with the one I'm creating xxx

Hi,

We are currently 2.5 years after knock (awaiting sentencing). I ended out relationship in the beginning, then decided to support him as a friend with his courses, therapy etc and the love we have for eachother did not leave and we naturally got back together.

I've been with him for 10 years. And honestly 2.5 years after the knock, I can say it's the strongest we've been in a lifetime. He is more open, willing to try new things to improve and he is a changed man, the addiction took it's toll on both of us without me realising and the signs of his severe depression was missed - we work together now.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, I know once sentencing comes we have to relive it all over again and we are prepared, but just remember everyone's journey is different. It's okay to stay and it's okay to go. Just take YOUR time and decide what's best for YOU. Block out everyone else because everyone will have an opinion but remember it's your life, no one else's. Xx

I'm nine months post his arrest and I'm in the middle of divorcing him. I've discovered the things he's done (indecent photos and videos of himself) go back to before and during the time we were first together 20+ years ago. The IIOC goes back to at least 2008/2009 (I found recordable DVDs with dozens, maybe hundreds, of photos he'd saved, all dated) and he told me he took photos of someone precious to me when they were little and he was in a position of trust.

He's deceived and lied and lied and deceived, even after he was arrested he continued to lie to me. I discovered written pages describing in sickening detail how he'd exposed himself to children on three separate occasions between 2017-2019 and how 'heaven would be like this only touching would be allowed'.

Before October last year, we had a happy marriage, a successful small business, had a holiday booked and we were planning our future.

He's destroyed everything and I don't have a clue what the future holds, but I know it can't be with him, even though it breaks my heart.

I'm trying to cling on to every ounce of strength I've got and I send it to you too. Only you can decide what's right for you.

Thanks MC96, your post gives me hope that there may be a future for my relationship.

We're only 8 weeks post-knock. I'm still hyper vigilant, dissociating, focused on getting through hour by hour and prioritising my children.
i don't know what the best outcome would be for us. I want to co-parent effectively. He's my oldest friend and I've been with him over half my life. He's trying so hard to turn himself around. I care deeply for him and my heart is broken for him as well as by him.
But the problems we had, predating arrest, are in hindsight all so clearly connected to this underlying flaw / addiction, that I don't know what would be best for me and the children. We have to come first, after years of being sacrificed to his addiction Sometimes I hope for a fairytale ending. Other times I want nothing to do with him. That would crush my children. I keep coming back to the idea of an annexe for him, so we're living loosely together, he has some dignity and stability, but I have my own space (and importantly, our children do too). How we'd ever afford that I don't know.

Thingswillgetbetter? Our stories sound similar to some extent although my ex went through with the proposal and marriage. The deception and lies was the hardest part for me to start with.



I am just over 4 years since everything came out. It gets better. I promise. You'll find strength you didn't even know you had and you will find happiness again.

A lot of people on here say take it one day at a time and I think that's really good advice. You will get there though x

I think it's possible but not easy and I think it will depend on many things, some of which you won't know yet.

We are coming up to 8 months post prison release, having served 20 months inside. We don't have children and finances are separate, so it was easy for me to make the decision to stay because I wanted to, not because of any other practical reasons. It hasn't been easy and as someone else has mentioned, one way or another, the person/ people supporting carry a lot of the burden - Emotionally and practically.

The last 7 months have been up and down and I have, for much of the time, felt happy and connected with my person, but almost like there is a weight that is holding me back from letting go and fully embracing our relationship. This is only natural, I've been hurt and we live daily with the consequences of what he did. Similarly I still struggle at times to reconcile the person I know with the person that committed 'that' crime. But we've had some counselling and recently that weight that has been holding me back is starting to feel lighter.

My advise would be not to put any pressure on yourself to either make a decision or pressure to be happy. It's important to face facts and if you aren't sure of the facts, to find them out. You are likely in for a long journey. Educate yourself about the process and the implications and consequences. I told a couple of very close and trusted people, other than that I very much went into myself - I needed to create a situation whereby I could process my feelings and not be pressurised by either him (not that he's ever out any pressure on me) or others around me.

He has stepped up. He's taken responsibility. He's never felt sorry for himself. He's been supportive to me. And generally he's been proactive. This has made it easier to stay and be happy - And that's what I'd say we are, we are happy but with a little heaviness there that appears at times.

It's so hard isn't it. It's 8wks post knock for us tomorrow but it feels like forever ago. I wanted to keep our family together at first because my person was so distraught and upset with what they'd done. But after all we've been through and all the extra things I'm having to go through- the impact on the family. It makes me angry and upset that it's all because of 1 person just not thinking or not caring. It's the selfishness of it, the ignoring the risks and not even thinking of the consequences of their actions on others. It's like we weren't even worth considering. It absolutely ruined all our lives not just theirs.

This has chance to have social services or police involved in our life for years possibly a decade. After all that time being separated and living this new normal; I don't think I'll be able to go back to being a family that lives together, knowing what I know. The trust has been obliterated, I've only just started being able to sleep and calm my anxiety; I'd never manage if they were back under the same roof.

I am determined to recover from this but I won't ever be the same.

My person doesn't want anyone else to know outside our family support but sooner or later I'm going to crack trying to keep up the facade; I'm at least going to have to start telling people we're having marital troubles and have separated because they're going to notice. I feel like I've aged 50 years. The stress is awful. Everyone in this forum is bearing this with such strength it's amazing.