What the hell do I do now???
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Yesterday my whole world came crashing down!!! Three Police officers at 7am knocking at my door asking to speak with my fiance.
They asked if he knew why they were there and he immediately said yes. His devices had been used to access indecent child images/videos and he immediately admitted it was him, and that he had a problem and needed help. I threw up!!
He admitted everything in interview. That since he was a teenager he's had a horrific desire to view young teenage girls. Something he's been terribly ashamed of for 20+years. He said he'd never act on his desires physically, that his sick viewing of images/videos doesn't translate into reality, and he hates himself for what he watches.
He said he's able to go many years without watching this stuff. But he battles with cocaine addiction. And when he's had a hard drugs session, (he's relapsed quite a bit over the past few months, which he's working on, in therapy and through support groups), he can't suppress/control his sick desire to watch these teenage girls.
He actually said he's relieved that he's been found out. Because he can't hide this dark dark shit anymore and can get help. Apparently the Police told him that his cooperation would be favourable for him, and that it's unlikely he'll face prison. But surely without a doubt he'll end up on the sex offenders register!!!
We have kids together! Two young boys. There isn't any suggestion hes a danger to them insofar as he has a desire to abuse them etc. He's also taking a polygraph and I'm very confident that he'll pass and my boys are safe with him. His bail understandably says he's not to have unsupervised contact, but until yesterday I'd tell the world what a wonderful dad he is!! And anyone who meets him says so too!! (Yes I realise he has drug issues, but he'll never ever be around the kids doing it or under the influence).
I know this is ridiculously raw, but I don't know what to do now. I love this man with every bit of me. We've been through so much but always come out so strong, and I thought we'd be together forever!! I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing for believing that he has some sick sick illness and needs help with it, and that I want to support him through this. I feel like the world will judge me and tell me I'm a terrible mum if I support him, and I feel awful awful guilt for still loving this man and even thinking for a second that we can work things out.
If you've got this far, thank you for reading. Any support would be incredibly welcome right now!!!
They asked if he knew why they were there and he immediately said yes. His devices had been used to access indecent child images/videos and he immediately admitted it was him, and that he had a problem and needed help. I threw up!!
He admitted everything in interview. That since he was a teenager he's had a horrific desire to view young teenage girls. Something he's been terribly ashamed of for 20+years. He said he'd never act on his desires physically, that his sick viewing of images/videos doesn't translate into reality, and he hates himself for what he watches.
He said he's able to go many years without watching this stuff. But he battles with cocaine addiction. And when he's had a hard drugs session, (he's relapsed quite a bit over the past few months, which he's working on, in therapy and through support groups), he can't suppress/control his sick desire to watch these teenage girls.
He actually said he's relieved that he's been found out. Because he can't hide this dark dark shit anymore and can get help. Apparently the Police told him that his cooperation would be favourable for him, and that it's unlikely he'll face prison. But surely without a doubt he'll end up on the sex offenders register!!!
We have kids together! Two young boys. There isn't any suggestion hes a danger to them insofar as he has a desire to abuse them etc. He's also taking a polygraph and I'm very confident that he'll pass and my boys are safe with him. His bail understandably says he's not to have unsupervised contact, but until yesterday I'd tell the world what a wonderful dad he is!! And anyone who meets him says so too!! (Yes I realise he has drug issues, but he'll never ever be around the kids doing it or under the influence).
I know this is ridiculously raw, but I don't know what to do now. I love this man with every bit of me. We've been through so much but always come out so strong, and I thought we'd be together forever!! I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing for believing that he has some sick sick illness and needs help with it, and that I want to support him through this. I feel like the world will judge me and tell me I'm a terrible mum if I support him, and I feel awful awful guilt for still loving this man and even thinking for a second that we can work things out.
If you've got this far, thank you for reading. Any support would be incredibly welcome right now!!!
Hi,
I'm sorry you've joined us here. You're so incredibly brave for reaching out so quickly.
Unfortunately no two situations are the same here so trying to advise on the next steps will always be loose advice until you're a little further along.
Social services should make contact with you within the next week. They may be happy with the bail conditions and not impose any further restrictions while bail is in place. Try to avoid saying anything to them that suggests you don't believe he's a risk to your children, they may not let you supervise contact if they think you're minimising the risk. It's likely to land better if you say that you're aware of the risk but are able to counter that by being present.
What is the polygraph for? Is that something the police do in your area? If it is then this is something that could be beneficial for social services as it may show him to present low risk of contact offending and low risk to males.
This whole thing can be a very long process, we're all here for you. There are a couple of topics that may help you; one is surviving the early days. There's also the helpline for you and your oh and modules he can complete to try to understand his behaviour xxx
I'm sorry you've joined us here. You're so incredibly brave for reaching out so quickly.
Unfortunately no two situations are the same here so trying to advise on the next steps will always be loose advice until you're a little further along.
Social services should make contact with you within the next week. They may be happy with the bail conditions and not impose any further restrictions while bail is in place. Try to avoid saying anything to them that suggests you don't believe he's a risk to your children, they may not let you supervise contact if they think you're minimising the risk. It's likely to land better if you say that you're aware of the risk but are able to counter that by being present.
What is the polygraph for? Is that something the police do in your area? If it is then this is something that could be beneficial for social services as it may show him to present low risk of contact offending and low risk to males.
This whole thing can be a very long process, we're all here for you. There are a couple of topics that may help you; one is surviving the early days. There's also the helpline for you and your oh and modules he can complete to try to understand his behaviour xxx
So sorry to read your post - can feel the panic in your words.
You really don't have to 'do' anything, as you'll soon find out a lot of what happens in this journey is out of your hands.
Im sending you my sympathies as it's a very stressful time, all I can advise is try not to think too far ahead and the possible consequences.
you are not alone and the ladies on this forum are here to support you. Xxx keep strong......
You really don't have to 'do' anything, as you'll soon find out a lot of what happens in this journey is out of your hands.
Im sending you my sympathies as it's a very stressful time, all I can advise is try not to think too far ahead and the possible consequences.
you are not alone and the ladies on this forum are here to support you. Xxx keep strong......
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here but well done on reaching out for support. I'm here because of son so am in a different position to you but having supported him through his whole journey I do know what you and your OH are going through.
At the moment you'll still be in a state of shock. You're going through a big trauma and will need time to process what's happened. My suggestion to help you deal with this is to contact your GP for support, for me that resulted in medication which was helpful. You can also contact the stop it now helpline where you'll receive support and advice. Your OH might want to do the same. My sons offence was communication but like your person he admitted his guilt at the first opportunity and admitted he needed help for something he had been battling with since his early teens.
To get the help he needed, we arranged for my son to start private therapy. He also completed a course with LFF which he found really helpful.
The important thing for you now is to look after yourself, the journey you've found yourself on is a long one so care care is essential. There is no hurry to make any decisions about your future as your thoughts at the moment will be all over the place. I know it's far easier said than done but try and take one day at a time as thinking ahead will just be overwhelming.
You'll find lots of support from the wonderful people on here so keep reaching out and we'll walk this nightmare with you.
At the moment you'll still be in a state of shock. You're going through a big trauma and will need time to process what's happened. My suggestion to help you deal with this is to contact your GP for support, for me that resulted in medication which was helpful. You can also contact the stop it now helpline where you'll receive support and advice. Your OH might want to do the same. My sons offence was communication but like your person he admitted his guilt at the first opportunity and admitted he needed help for something he had been battling with since his early teens.
To get the help he needed, we arranged for my son to start private therapy. He also completed a course with LFF which he found really helpful.
The important thing for you now is to look after yourself, the journey you've found yourself on is a long one so care care is essential. There is no hurry to make any decisions about your future as your thoughts at the moment will be all over the place. I know it's far easier said than done but try and take one day at a time as thinking ahead will just be overwhelming.
You'll find lots of support from the wonderful people on here so keep reaching out and we'll walk this nightmare with you.
Hi, firstly well done for reaching out to us on here. Nothing can prepare you for the effects of the knock. At this stage you are going to be in physical and emotional shock so you need to just try to think of getting through one day at a time. There's no need to make any decisions about the future at this stage. This journey is long and difficult but please keep reaching out on here as everyone understands and you are not alone. x
Hi, I'd known my person for over 30 years when we got the knock 7 years ago. We'd been married 17 years and had four children. He admitted looking at iioc for the previous two years straight away. He was remanded. He told me the next day that he'd had these sexual thoughts about young children since the age of 13 but managed to keep a lid on it until two years prior to the knock. He was sentenced to three years in prison. My two youngest children weren't allowed any contact with him whatsoever, not even calls or letters.
I knew very soon after sentencing that I could not remain married to him. However 50% of partners do. He didn't commit any contact offences. I felt quite strongly that he would never do it again because of the fallout from all this. I was threatened with eviction, all my friends left and I became very ill. Surely, surely he wouldn't put his adoring, sweet and devoted children through this again. Yet here we are, 29 months after the second knock waiting for him to go back to prison. This is just my opinion and my experience but once my ex let the cat out of the bag, there was no going back. I lived a lie for decades with him and I know now that he will always prioritise "it" over us.
You will find your own way through. Don't let what others think or say to sway what you want. They don't know what this is like. It's not as simple as others and media like to portray. Use the helpline as often as you need. I didn't know about it until recently. This site really is the best. I wish you all the very best and will be thinking of you. X
I knew very soon after sentencing that I could not remain married to him. However 50% of partners do. He didn't commit any contact offences. I felt quite strongly that he would never do it again because of the fallout from all this. I was threatened with eviction, all my friends left and I became very ill. Surely, surely he wouldn't put his adoring, sweet and devoted children through this again. Yet here we are, 29 months after the second knock waiting for him to go back to prison. This is just my opinion and my experience but once my ex let the cat out of the bag, there was no going back. I lived a lie for decades with him and I know now that he will always prioritise "it" over us.
You will find your own way through. Don't let what others think or say to sway what you want. They don't know what this is like. It's not as simple as others and media like to portray. Use the helpline as often as you need. I didn't know about it until recently. This site really is the best. I wish you all the very best and will be thinking of you. X
Hi LKW
I'm 2 weeks on from you and everything you've said sounds very familiar. I have no advice, just wanted you to know you're not in this alone x
I'm 2 weeks on from you and everything you've said sounds very familiar. I have no advice, just wanted you to know you're not in this alone x
Thank you so much for all of your responses. It's so reassuring to know there are others in similar positions. I'm too ashamed to speak with any of my friends, and the little family that do know have already disowned him.
To the person who asked about the polygraph, yes that is something they do in my area as a type of reassurance piece to friends and family of the offender.
I'm terrified that my boys will be taken away from me if I do choose to support him through all of this. I've tried to find posts about this on the forum but there is so much to read it's a little overwhelming. Can anyone share what happened with them and the social please?
To the person who asked about the polygraph, yes that is something they do in my area as a type of reassurance piece to friends and family of the offender.
I'm terrified that my boys will be taken away from me if I do choose to support him through all of this. I've tried to find posts about this on the forum but there is so much to read it's a little overwhelming. Can anyone share what happened with them and the social please?
They won't take your children away if you choose to support your person. However, the absolute most important thing they will be looking for is that you are protecting them above all else and you'll have to prove it. There's a process to do through and it's usually long winded. It can be done but you'll have to take each day as it comes. You will find your way through with your children. Xxx
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