Supervised contact and hyper vigilance
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Hi, fellow involuntary refugees from the lives we all thought we had.
I'm nearly 2 months post-knock. Bail restrictions were changed so my person can stay overnight at the family home but must have no unsupervised contact.
It's absolutely exhausting. I can't relax when he's here. I'm hyper vigilant at all times and he just doesn't seem to get why it's so hard. He's on a mattress downstairs and keeps asking when he can go back to sleep upstairs. I've told him to stop pushing as I'd never sleep a wink if that happened.
SS have made it abundantly clear that I'm responsible for everything, and if something happens to the children it's my fault. Great.
I don't think he's a risk to our children but I also can't assume anything anymore.
I'm constantly jittery and jumpy, hovering nervously. I'm nowhere near ready to go back to work due to my anxiety.
fortunately he's finally started a job so I'll have breathing space during the week. I also insist on a few nights off from him each week so we can just relax.
Does the hyper vigilance ever ease? Any top tips for staying sane?
God I miss my old life.
I'm nearly 2 months post-knock. Bail restrictions were changed so my person can stay overnight at the family home but must have no unsupervised contact.
It's absolutely exhausting. I can't relax when he's here. I'm hyper vigilant at all times and he just doesn't seem to get why it's so hard. He's on a mattress downstairs and keeps asking when he can go back to sleep upstairs. I've told him to stop pushing as I'd never sleep a wink if that happened.
SS have made it abundantly clear that I'm responsible for everything, and if something happens to the children it's my fault. Great.
I don't think he's a risk to our children but I also can't assume anything anymore.
I'm constantly jittery and jumpy, hovering nervously. I'm nowhere near ready to go back to work due to my anxiety.
fortunately he's finally started a job so I'll have breathing space during the week. I also insist on a few nights off from him each week so we can just relax.
Does the hyper vigilance ever ease? Any top tips for staying sane?
God I miss my old life.
Hi,
four years down the line and he has just started staying one night a week from last Saturday. I didn't sleep either so I can't really be of much help with that. I wanted to pick up on a couple of points from your post; you have parental responsibility so your children are your responsibility but to use words like your fault is not on at all.
You use your due diligence in this situation as in every situation you put your children in like when to leave them in the house by themselves, when to allow them to visit the local shop or park etc. Everything we do with our children involves risk but we evaluate and educate them and ourselves.
I also wanted to touch on your partner asking when he can sleep upstairs, does he grasp the enormity of what he has done and accept responsibility for it? It sounds a bit like he is trying to guilt you back into a normality that you're not ready for. Sorry if I'm off the mark with that. I just wanted you to know that it's ok to set boundaries for your sanity and wellbeing. It's also ok to be very frank about the fact that he has put you in this situation and he needs to realise that he is very fortunate that you're allowing him to stay in the house and that bail restrictions have been lifted and ss agree to him staying. There are lots of men who do not have these things xxxx
four years down the line and he has just started staying one night a week from last Saturday. I didn't sleep either so I can't really be of much help with that. I wanted to pick up on a couple of points from your post; you have parental responsibility so your children are your responsibility but to use words like your fault is not on at all.
You use your due diligence in this situation as in every situation you put your children in like when to leave them in the house by themselves, when to allow them to visit the local shop or park etc. Everything we do with our children involves risk but we evaluate and educate them and ourselves.
I also wanted to touch on your partner asking when he can sleep upstairs, does he grasp the enormity of what he has done and accept responsibility for it? It sounds a bit like he is trying to guilt you back into a normality that you're not ready for. Sorry if I'm off the mark with that. I just wanted you to know that it's ok to set boundaries for your sanity and wellbeing. It's also ok to be very frank about the fact that he has put you in this situation and he needs to realise that he is very fortunate that you're allowing him to stay in the house and that bail restrictions have been lifted and ss agree to him staying. There are lots of men who do not have these things xxxx
You're spot on with your observations. I found our SW very difficult, quite aggressive and admonishing me in advance for things that won't happen, whereas the police officer who changed the bail conditions was much more understanding / empathetic.
I have told my person that, if he keeps asking when he can sleep upstairs again, I'll stop overnight contact. He hasn't mentioned it since.
He's used to having his problems fixed by his overbearing parents and, for the past 20+ years, me. he's back with his parents a few nights a week and that isn't helping him grasp the issues for himself.
As a survivor of horrific childhood domestic violence and instability, whose mother was too terrified to stand up for her children, I'm having to find a steely strength I never knew I had.
Boundaries are strong, but they take such energy for me to enforce, as my default mode from childhood is 'placate and fawn'. My kids will never feel that bottomless terror, i hope.
thank you for replying with such kindness. I hope your future holds some brightness and ease xx
I have told my person that, if he keeps asking when he can sleep upstairs again, I'll stop overnight contact. He hasn't mentioned it since.
He's used to having his problems fixed by his overbearing parents and, for the past 20+ years, me. he's back with his parents a few nights a week and that isn't helping him grasp the issues for himself.
As a survivor of horrific childhood domestic violence and instability, whose mother was too terrified to stand up for her children, I'm having to find a steely strength I never knew I had.
Boundaries are strong, but they take such energy for me to enforce, as my default mode from childhood is 'placate and fawn'. My kids will never feel that bottomless terror, i hope.
thank you for replying with such kindness. I hope your future holds some brightness and ease xx
Hi Ladies
Sorry bumping into here!
I might be hash in this one. You shouldn't feel like that and he is not being responsible and accountable for the mess he put into the family. It's not ok for him to ask for anything regarding safeguarding as all on you. You shall remind him that!
My OH initially was like that as he is not allow to sleep here but to be during the day. All the time supervised and he wants to go to the playground just two minutes away ...and I had a lengthy chat of how that could possible work. I set the boundaries and remind him that if we respect the bail conditions...the kids will be taken away just that simple@! They think because they don't have anyone observing is not happening ....and it's not ok!
Be extremely careful if you are ok for him to be sleeping still at home....everything can easily backfired you and effectly have consecuense on the kids . . But that's my experience.
Don't be afraid that he night be the main house supporting ....just explain to him the consequences that could have if he breaks the bail condition.
It's lots for us to take care...the pain, the emotional break down, the lies and to top it up...that you are responsible of every single step he does at home....and we are very lonely in all of this ????...
Be easy on you but set the boundaries and remember it will be better only when boundaries are respect it !
Bless ????
Sorry bumping into here!
I might be hash in this one. You shouldn't feel like that and he is not being responsible and accountable for the mess he put into the family. It's not ok for him to ask for anything regarding safeguarding as all on you. You shall remind him that!
My OH initially was like that as he is not allow to sleep here but to be during the day. All the time supervised and he wants to go to the playground just two minutes away ...and I had a lengthy chat of how that could possible work. I set the boundaries and remind him that if we respect the bail conditions...the kids will be taken away just that simple@! They think because they don't have anyone observing is not happening ....and it's not ok!
Be extremely careful if you are ok for him to be sleeping still at home....everything can easily backfired you and effectly have consecuense on the kids . . But that's my experience.
Don't be afraid that he night be the main house supporting ....just explain to him the consequences that could have if he breaks the bail condition.
It's lots for us to take care...the pain, the emotional break down, the lies and to top it up...that you are responsible of every single step he does at home....and we are very lonely in all of this ????...
Be easy on you but set the boundaries and remember it will be better only when boundaries are respect it !
Bless ????
Agreed Lastima. Thank you xx