Telling friends- out of control
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Hi all,
I just wanted some opinions and guidance on the current situation we're having with our 'friendship' group at the moment.
Partner was arrested back in April this year originally, and we informed close family and three joint friends. One of them was struggling, and wanted to tell two other people in the wider group. My partner obliged with this, as didn't want to lose one of his closest friends. Due to bail, it meant further family members needed to be informed. I would say over 20+ people know, which is of course way more than we ever wanted.
However, the two newest people looped in have not taken it well at all. One refuses to talk to my partner at all, and says he does not know if friendship can be re-built.
They have made a rule that if this person wants to attend something socially, then my partner is not allowed to if they go. This has been going on for a few months currently and my partner has gone along with it. However, we have now just found out about charges.
Most of the group, despite not talking to my partner, want to inform other people. Myself and my partner do not want this to go any further currently, as the stress and pressure of friendship (as selfish as it sounds) is not our top priority.
Unfortunately the friends have almost reached a 'blackmail' type tactic, of if he does not tell more people, they now have plans to. Feeling overwhelmed by this, and trying to do the right thing has spiralled out of control.
I just wanted some opinions and guidance on the current situation we're having with our 'friendship' group at the moment.
Partner was arrested back in April this year originally, and we informed close family and three joint friends. One of them was struggling, and wanted to tell two other people in the wider group. My partner obliged with this, as didn't want to lose one of his closest friends. Due to bail, it meant further family members needed to be informed. I would say over 20+ people know, which is of course way more than we ever wanted.
However, the two newest people looped in have not taken it well at all. One refuses to talk to my partner at all, and says he does not know if friendship can be re-built.
They have made a rule that if this person wants to attend something socially, then my partner is not allowed to if they go. This has been going on for a few months currently and my partner has gone along with it. However, we have now just found out about charges.
Most of the group, despite not talking to my partner, want to inform other people. Myself and my partner do not want this to go any further currently, as the stress and pressure of friendship (as selfish as it sounds) is not our top priority.
Unfortunately the friends have almost reached a 'blackmail' type tactic, of if he does not tell more people, they now have plans to. Feeling overwhelmed by this, and trying to do the right thing has spiralled out of control.
I recommend speaking to the police to give them the heads up. May e check Woh a solicitor if there is a right to privacy.
I worry about this too. I know of 'friends' who would not be able to keep it to themselves, and therefore I hope to never tell them. But if they have e kids then we will need to disclose as it will be hard to just 'ghost' them.
I worry about this too. I know of 'friends' who would not be able to keep it to themselves, and therefore I hope to never tell them. But if they have e kids then we will need to disclose as it will be hard to just 'ghost' them.
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation.
Many people will find knowing this knowledge a big burden - From both the perspective of it being such an emotive subject but also perhaps concerned about the welfare of others around them. I have told 6 people but I suspect they have all told at least 1 other person, be that their partner or someone else close to them - Until that line fizzles our to the point that the recipient of the information has no link to me or my partner, I would assume that pattern of telling 1 person would continue.
Have you tried talking and explained to them why you don't want to tell anyone else? Why do they want to tell others? Are they concerned? If so what about - Your partner being a risk? Or others finding out that they knew and didn't say anything? Perhaps understanding this will help you all come to an agreement that you all feel comfortable with that means no one else needs to be told.
Many people will find knowing this knowledge a big burden - From both the perspective of it being such an emotive subject but also perhaps concerned about the welfare of others around them. I have told 6 people but I suspect they have all told at least 1 other person, be that their partner or someone else close to them - Until that line fizzles our to the point that the recipient of the information has no link to me or my partner, I would assume that pattern of telling 1 person would continue.
Have you tried talking and explained to them why you don't want to tell anyone else? Why do they want to tell others? Are they concerned? If so what about - Your partner being a risk? Or others finding out that they knew and didn't say anything? Perhaps understanding this will help you all come to an agreement that you all feel comfortable with that means no one else needs to be told.
Oh no that is a lot of people to try to keep a limit on! We've told 4 in our family support group and my boss knows as I got a call that he'd been arrested whilst at work and I've had to arrange time off etc.
My person never really socialised or had access to children. Unbelievably he never really spent time with children and will usually avoid it. Most of the people I would have to disclose to are my family and friends (who are the ones with children) so he just doesn't go to these socials; which is kind of the norm.
We do have friends in common who may find out as they are teachers at a local school our child is likely to go to in a few years; but they'd have to keep it private as it's professional knowledge. We also have a group who all suffered the loss of a friend to suicide which was a massive shock and impacted us all. For this reason we've not disclosed within this group as we're worried about the fragile mental health of everyone else without this on top.
We have told immediate family but only those we had to add to our family support and thought were likely to keep it under wraps for the sake of the others involved (me and our child) and be supportive; but you just never know for sure how they're gonna take it. I think you have to prepare yourself for the person you tell disowning you, or potentially telling others (as they'll need to talk to someone) or worse.....potentially telling more people as they're so shocked or upset by it.
My person never really socialised or had access to children. Unbelievably he never really spent time with children and will usually avoid it. Most of the people I would have to disclose to are my family and friends (who are the ones with children) so he just doesn't go to these socials; which is kind of the norm.
We do have friends in common who may find out as they are teachers at a local school our child is likely to go to in a few years; but they'd have to keep it private as it's professional knowledge. We also have a group who all suffered the loss of a friend to suicide which was a massive shock and impacted us all. For this reason we've not disclosed within this group as we're worried about the fragile mental health of everyone else without this on top.
We have told immediate family but only those we had to add to our family support and thought were likely to keep it under wraps for the sake of the others involved (me and our child) and be supportive; but you just never know for sure how they're gonna take it. I think you have to prepare yourself for the person you tell disowning you, or potentially telling others (as they'll need to talk to someone) or worse.....potentially telling more people as they're so shocked or upset by it.
Oh Sunrise what a difficult situation for you. We initially only told close family and my sons best friend. The best friend ended his friendship with my son and told family members who then told others. In the end it really didn't matter though as the story was printed twice by the media and so was out there for everyone to know. We've found out recently that a few people even screen shot it and circulated it in case people weren't aware.
10 months later we no longer worry about who knows. In fact if I meet someone new who is likely to continue to feature in our lives, I choose to tell then from the start. It's part of our story and an event that has completely shaped our current lives. It's not easy to do but I have learned to focus on the people who have proven their worth and am learning to let others go. Yes we've now got less people around our table but the love, friendship and support from those that choose to be there is what matters now.
10 months later we no longer worry about who knows. In fact if I meet someone new who is likely to continue to feature in our lives, I choose to tell then from the start. It's part of our story and an event that has completely shaped our current lives. It's not easy to do but I have learned to focus on the people who have proven their worth and am learning to let others go. Yes we've now got less people around our table but the love, friendship and support from those that choose to be there is what matters now.