Family and Friends Forum

Bless you x

im sure each and everyone can resignate with your words of sadness and disbelief of how this can happen.

My son had everything - good job, loving family and home. Now he has lost it all - with only me the one thread left, he faces a very different future.

Those left behind have had to build a new life which has been far from easy... it's an unbelievable journey but we must never give up hope as we try our best to get back on track and go forward...

I feel exactly the same as you and am in a similar situation as a newly single parent, although we're still in the waiting-on-forensics limbo. I 100% think the problem lies with them, not with us. In our case, even if my 'OH' is telling the truth when he denies wanting or seeking out IIOC, he still admits immersing himself in a sick screwed up online world seeking sex chat etc for years. I think we WERE enough, for anyone not totally screwed up.

Only now several years down the line and single so I think even if it wasn't iioc - the act of looking at porn/extreme porn is just so disrespectful. How many of us would have been asleep in the same house whilst this was going on?

I cannot get over this hence why I am now single.

I obviously wasn't enough even though he twists things and tries to lay some of the blame on me.

Hi I feel exactly same and so mad with him and that's 2 year after knock. It has left me unable to trust people is anyone else like this? I left after the knock as u couldn't forgive what he had done and why he had been so selfish to do what he did when he had a pretty good life and so much to loose by what he choose to do. I'm at a point 2 year down line I don't even know if I will ever be able to have another relationship because of what he did does anyone else feels like this?

Hi Ginluver

I agree, I am in the same situation as you, my ex arrested Feb 2021. We split up as soon as I found out as I wouldn't be able to trust him again, we were happy (or so I thought) had a good life and he destroyed it. He had been looking at these images since 2010, hundreds. He lied to the police twice, lied to me, not remorseful just annoyed as he had been caught as I found the memory stick.

I took don't know whether I could trust anyone else again or whether I want another relationship again. I have had to start another life with my old one gone.

Regards

Bereft x

Hi AnxiousGirl

I am the same the fact that my ex was looking at this when I was in the house is horrible, my ex also blamed me especially as I found the memory stick and called the police. I couldn't trust him after that and I knew that things would never be the same again between us as I would still be wondering whether it was porn addiction or whether he was attracted. There were pictures of nude sunbathers on one of the memory sticks, so voyeurism was also crossing a line for me.

We weren't enough for him and I also thought that he thought he would never get caught.

Bereft x

Hi



All of what everyone is saying is resonating with me on this thread. I've at times wondered why he would risk everything - we had a good life, loving family, a lovely home and he has a good job. We've been together since we were teens- so more than 30 years. We were inseparable. I thought he was working late and i felt terrible because I worried he was working himself so hard while I was being treated and recovering from advanced cancer. It turns out work had been kind and put less pressure on him. I'm still in disbelief that he could do this. I'm nominally with him in the sense that he doesn't live with us and he comes over most days. He was a suicide risk and he would be so again if i officially left him. I'm planning on supporting him through the legal stuff and I've been working on my own independence from him over the last year. I'm definitely leaving...I can't trust him and I don't see how I can trust anyone in a relationship again. I don't want the rest of my son's childhood to be tainted by this toxicity.

I know he too looks back and can’t believe what he has done. I can recognise the other parts of him as kind, loving and generous but ultimately he betrayed us without enough thought to the consequences for me and our child. He chose not to seek help and I think he wouldn't have stopped. I understand it was a porn addiction that escalated but I also don't want to think about the extreme stuff he was watching before he got to the iioc.

This is quite the journey but I'm determined I will build a new life for me and son. I love the poems by Donna Ashworth. I don't generally read poetry but her poems in 'wild hope' are often a comfort. I just love the title of it.

Take care everyone

I don't know many of your people's stories but I wanted to offer a different perspective in relation to the impacts of porn and similar sexual deviancy - It can be addictive, the triggers ta similar reward system in the brain. Similar to drug, alcohol and other addictions they come, often, at the cost to their own lives and loved ones. I don't know of this is the case for any of your journeys, but as someone else has said you absolutely are enough, the issue is with your person and if it is addiction related behaviour, what void they are plugged with porn or sexual deviancy.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/series/p06qhs5t?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

This is an interesting series to listen to in relationship to sex and porn addiction.

You can pour all the water you want into a bucket and if it has a great big hole in it, it will still end up empty. And that's because the bucket is broken and needs to be fixed rather than that anyone hasn't done enough pouring!

This thread resonates so much.

It was my 17th wedding anniversary last week and was a really tough day.

Like pretty much everyone else here, I thought we had a brilliant, happy life together and we were even planning what we'd eventually like to do in retirement.

I tried supporting him for a while but I knew in my heart that I couldn't stay with him after what he'd done. In addition to probably 1000s of photos and videos of children (the police found 13 hidden memory sticks, plus I've found DVD-Rs and printed photos, and who know's what was on his phone and laptop), he also told me he'd taken photos of my precious family member when they were staying with us as a child 15+ years ago. Not only this, but he wrote pages about exposing himself to children in a leisure centre changing room multiple times (he was given an additional SRO because of this).

It also turns out he was, throughout our 20+ year relationship, taking indecent photos and videos of himself - first in in my home where I'd invited him to live with me when we were first together, as well as in outdoor public places, in our joint home, at our business, and when we were on holiday. I don't know what he did with them, whether they were just for his own gratification or if he was sharing them, but I guess the police will find that out.

He was arrested in October '23 - as a result of me finding images, so it's 'all my fault' (!)- but I've been told it could be 2026 before he's sentenced.

Obviously he needs help and I hope he's getting it, but in all honesty my fear is that he'll use that time to 'prove' he's a 'reformed character' which will result in a suspended sentence. Whereas someone who's done as much as he has - for so long - should absolutely serve a custodial.

The disrespect he's shown me is beyond shocking, but it's nothing compared to what he's witnessed and has done to those children.


I'm divorcing him - he makes me feel sick - but I still find it hard to believe and I still miss our life and our future.

In the meantime I still have to converse with him regarding the divorce and house sale (which he's being difficult about). I've somehow got to make some kind of new, single life for myself and eventually find a new home. I feel completely lost as to how any of that's going to happen.

This resonates with me so much. Regardless of the reason why, or what the offence is; it's the other behaviour. The porn the chat rooms, the deceit, the trust has gone. We had a happy family, a good life, I put everything into it and they squandered it. We should have been enough. But they didnt care enough or had no regard for how their behaviour would affect everyone else dragged into this mess. Whether they meant to or not. These offences ruin multiple lives and the impact on your own children is just heartbreakingly cruel. The non-offending partners are the ones shouldering it all; facilitating supervised visits, scrutiny from social services, worried that if the partners mental health takes a turn for the worst we'll be the ones stuck with the consequences. Keeping the kids happy and safe and trying to adapt to "new normal". It's made some of us physically and mentally unwell, some have lost jobs, homes, friends, income as well as partners.



It's literally the worst club to be in. But we can be strong and we will get through this, because the men have caused enough damage and we do not deserve to be part of it. Sending strength to you all to survive the storm x

Grenade your comment sums it up 100%. It's just unbearably selfish, vain, childish and cruel. Our poor children. Our dreams for the future. Our own mental and physical wellbeing all squandered for a few moments of pleasure. It absolutely sucks.
sending love x

I would like to share my experience and seek perspectivee

Worried what did you want to share?

I haven't been on the forum for a while but dipped back on today. This thread resonates with me so much. I am 18 months on from the knock. We had everything - he had an amazing job, a supportive wife, beautiful home and our wonderful son. He blew up our whole world and I am still picking up the pieces. We are divorcing and having to sell our house as he got sacked and we have hardly any money. Now he can't work and our house just won't sell. I have had to keep my small business going and support my poor son through this nightmare. Whilst he doesn't work and feel sorry for himself. The worst was when i had to supervise visits with him. Just awful. I am proud of how strong I have been but worry about how much resilience I have left. My ex still threatens suicide (he tried once) and uses emotional blackmail to try and keep me in his life. I wonder when I will ever be free of him as he still acts like a victim. I don't think he has any concept of the pain he has caused. I really feel I need to speak to another women who has been through this. My friends are incredible but its such a unique pain

We're here for you. It's the most horrific and inexplicable and lonely pain. They can't explain it, we can't comprehend it, it tarnishes all your past together too. I'm trying to be open to the idea of a future together but it's very early days and we aren't living together full time - I find his fragile mental health too much to manage on top of my own trauma and my beautiful children's needs.
Have a big sweaty snotty tearful hug xx

The comments on this post resonate completely with me. My ex was caught last October and was sentenced in May, he got a suspended sentence. The found images on his computer and he also sent a photo of a friends daughter to men online. He only stopped because he was caught and he can't see that. What would he have done next, especially with my friends daughter. What if we had a daughter, would he have photographed or abused her?

We had a good marriage, he had a good job and we were happy but I guess that was not enough for him. We also have 2 lovely boys who are struggling with why they can't see their dad.

He was abused as a child, which it completely horrible but he used this as one of the reasons he's got a sex addiction. It was stress relief apparently. He used my dads death as a reason too because at the same time we had a newborn and he felt that I needed too much support and he wasn't getting any. I didn't know anything until the knock last October but I have since found out he has done it most of his life. I feel sick when I look at him. He seems to expect me to forgive him because of what he went through but I don't think I ever can. He tried to commit suicide the night he was caught and I am scared about asking him for divorce because he will hold that over me.



I want to move on without this cloud hanging over me. I can't live with the thought that he may do it again or he may try to kill himself. It sounds selfish but I don't want to cope with his depression or cope with the outcome of what he's done. I spent long enough trying to help him with his depression and he still did what he did. I am better off on my own. I know that he will blame me for breaking up the marriage and for him not being able to see the boys when he wants but this was his doing not mine.

All of this really resonates especially heat you've said AnxiousMummy. I feel as though we had it all- a really good life together, a lovely family, a lovely home and good careers. He's blown it all up. He was clearing out his desk and he found an old photo of us in our early 20s. He felt nostalgic and it was like he remembered who we used to be and its like it's ignited something in him and he's make a big effort. It's had the opposite affect on me - I look at that photo snd feel sad at the fact that he seemed to have forgotten who we were. And the realisation thst thst can never be again. I can never trust him again. He hid whst he was doing so well. How could I ever trust him again if things got difficult. He is holding onto the idea that we could rebuild. He also feels like the victim. He's yet to actually ask me how this is affecting me. I can't be with him. I can't get over how he could betray our family for years, how he was able to lie to my face.

Yes I understand about addiction, etc. but he didn't once try to ask for help. Now we face the prospect of loosing our house - horrifyingly it's not only about the money but the mortgage company has a clause about not using the house for immoral or illegal purposes. I've also only learnt that there are a select few insurance companies that will insure someone with a conviction. There is a high likelihood he will loose his job. The utter selfishness of it all is astounding! I'm praying that the media don't report on his case when it goes to court- I just can't imagine the shame our child will have to face. This might also affect my job and my ability to actually support our child. This is all so horrifying. Like others I feel trapped by his mental health too.

I'm so grateful for this forum.