Mental health and going back to work
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Morning fellow secondary victims. Another day in my new awful life, trying to give my children a happy summer despite us all being traumatised and our first foreign holiday being cancelled due to my person's actions.
I'm 9 weeks in and the GP will be phoning today to see how I'm getting on / extend my 'sick note'.
I'm feeling increasingly low in mood and overwhelmed with hopelessness. I'm staying strong for my beautiful children but there's nothing for me to look forward to in life, either now or long-term. I only have meaning in morherhood, I've lost everything else. I'm on sertraline (have been since 2013 due to PND) and am having weekly psychology sessions through work health insurance.
For those who've gone back to work, did it help your mood? Was it sustainable? my job is incredibly all-consuming and high pressure but I'm wondering if that's what I need - less time ruminating / staring into space, and something to (sort of) look forward to.
I won't attempt it before September as my children won't go into any holiday clubs after what's happened. They just want to be with me or see close friends.
I'm 9 weeks in and the GP will be phoning today to see how I'm getting on / extend my 'sick note'.
I'm feeling increasingly low in mood and overwhelmed with hopelessness. I'm staying strong for my beautiful children but there's nothing for me to look forward to in life, either now or long-term. I only have meaning in morherhood, I've lost everything else. I'm on sertraline (have been since 2013 due to PND) and am having weekly psychology sessions through work health insurance.
For those who've gone back to work, did it help your mood? Was it sustainable? my job is incredibly all-consuming and high pressure but I'm wondering if that's what I need - less time ruminating / staring into space, and something to (sort of) look forward to.
I won't attempt it before September as my children won't go into any holiday clubs after what's happened. They just want to be with me or see close friends.
Hi,
I went back to work on a phased return but actually found I coped better than I'd anticipated. Admittedly my job wasn't particularly high pressure at that point and was working from home as it was during covid.
I also only had a few months before my maternity leave started so it was easier knowing I didn't have long there.
Maybe look at going back when the children go back to school so you're not sitting and thinking about the situation all day. Is a phased return something that might be available to you? xxx
I went back to work on a phased return but actually found I coped better than I'd anticipated. Admittedly my job wasn't particularly high pressure at that point and was working from home as it was during covid.
I also only had a few months before my maternity leave started so it was easier knowing I didn't have long there.
Maybe look at going back when the children go back to school so you're not sitting and thinking about the situation all day. Is a phased return something that might be available to you? xxx
Thank you lovely. I'm looking at phased return, starting in the last week of August by logging in for a couple of hours a day to read back in to files but not interact with clients / colleagues / third parties until kids are settled into school and I've tested the water, psychologically
I don't know how I'll cope with the 'cut and thrust' of my job once I'm fully working - I'm a lawyer and found it hard enough before all this happened!
i wonder if the hell of the last 2 months will give me extra resilience at work - I've had to find strength and power I never knew I had - but I also dread speaking to men without losing my cool.
I'm definitely completely distrusting of men now, but to the irrational extent that I don't want to interact with them in day to day life eg being served by a man in a shop. My therapist has pointed out the ones in my office aren't going to cause me any harm or distress, logically, but I'm so fearful of and disgusted by masculinity. It's become a phobia.
I don't know how I'll cope with the 'cut and thrust' of my job once I'm fully working - I'm a lawyer and found it hard enough before all this happened!
i wonder if the hell of the last 2 months will give me extra resilience at work - I've had to find strength and power I never knew I had - but I also dread speaking to men without losing my cool.
I'm definitely completely distrusting of men now, but to the irrational extent that I don't want to interact with them in day to day life eg being served by a man in a shop. My therapist has pointed out the ones in my office aren't going to cause me any harm or distress, logically, but I'm so fearful of and disgusted by masculinity. It's become a phobia.
I didn't initially take time off but was eventually forced to when I needed surgery. Once I stopped working I crashed and had to have time off for my mental health. I now work part time which works well for me. It helps keep me well and gives me a focus 3 days a week.
Hi,
I haven't taken any time off work yet and mostly it's helped me concentrate on something else.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep going, especially post sentencing later this month.
I haven't taken any time off work yet and mostly it's helped me concentrate on something else.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep going, especially post sentencing later this month.
Thanks Ocean.
GP has extended my 'sick note' for a shorter period, at my request, to see if I can find enough stability to PLAN a phased return in a few weeks. Right now that seems implausible but I don't want to write myself off for a whole extra month.
GP has extended my 'sick note' for a shorter period, at my request, to see if I can find enough stability to PLAN a phased return in a few weeks. Right now that seems implausible but I don't want to write myself off for a whole extra month.
Sending hugs ConflictedMum. I have severe anxiety and depression (and I suspect PTSD but not got into that yet) and get physical breakdowns, dissociation and uncontrollable outbursts of hitting myself, so I'm not stable enough to be any use at work. But I'm hoping I can do a bit soon. At least until charges, plea, sentencing, which I expect will trigger further trauma response.
Lisa x
I am so sorry you have found yourself here
I am glad you have spoken to your GP and are getting support
For me my situation is different as it's my son who is the offender, but this journey certainly does take everything out of you
I remaimed at work , my role is a manager and have responsibilities so I was apprehensive if I could cope, to be honest it gives me some much needed reality away from my journey, I have a great manager and he is aware as are others of my situation
I dont have younger children to have to think about also so I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to balance everything, but what is clear is how incredibly strong you are,
Dont put any pressure on yourself to go back to work just focus on the now and what you can control, also your own self care is also important
Keep reaching out to us as we are here to offer help and advice xx
I am so sorry you have found yourself here
I am glad you have spoken to your GP and are getting support
For me my situation is different as it's my son who is the offender, but this journey certainly does take everything out of you
I remaimed at work , my role is a manager and have responsibilities so I was apprehensive if I could cope, to be honest it gives me some much needed reality away from my journey, I have a great manager and he is aware as are others of my situation
I dont have younger children to have to think about also so I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to balance everything, but what is clear is how incredibly strong you are,
Dont put any pressure on yourself to go back to work just focus on the now and what you can control, also your own self care is also important
Keep reaching out to us as we are here to offer help and advice xx
Thank you for kind words UpsetMum. I can't work out if I'm being weak by needing all this time off (9 weeks so far). I've always put myself under immense pressure to perform, take on more, be a people pleaser, and I endlessly compare myself to others.
so I'm trying to think of a return to work as potentially a positive, for me to have a focus other than the fear and pain. I literally get up each day for my kids' sakes, I don't feel I have anything else to look forward to
I won't go back if the mental health benefits are outweighed by the addditinal pressure.
Sending you love xx
so I'm trying to think of a return to work as potentially a positive, for me to have a focus other than the fear and pain. I literally get up each day for my kids' sakes, I don't feel I have anything else to look forward to
I won't go back if the mental health benefits are outweighed by the addditinal pressure.
Sending you love xx
I feel similar in that men seem to repulse me now after what my ex did I know all men aren't the same but if had left me wondering if I will be on my own now the rest of my life I'm only in my mid 30s. Wasn't sure if I was on my own having these feelings about men repulsing me now.
I went to work the same week as I needed something to distract me but I work alone so think that's why I could if I did have to work amongst people I don't think I could of handled it for a while to be around people and men. Work definitely helps distract me I feel. But I would say just do what you feel is right with the return to work.
I went to work the same week as I needed something to distract me but I work alone so think that's why I could if I did have to work amongst people I don't think I could of handled it for a while to be around people and men. Work definitely helps distract me I feel. But I would say just do what you feel is right with the return to work.
All the men in my life seem to have let me down, including my own father.
Now ... my son :(
Now ... my son :(
Together with my mum and siblings, I suffered horrendous domestic violence at the hands of my dad, throughout my childhood/teens. Eventually I had him arrested and it stopped.
The one thing I wanted for my adult life was safety and stability. The one thing i promised my children I'd ensure for them. It's just so horrific to be in this situation.
The one thing I wanted for my adult life was safety and stability. The one thing i promised my children I'd ensure for them. It's just so horrific to be in this situation.
Lisa x
Dont ever think of yourself been weak , this journey takes us all on our own separate situations, one step at a time, if your off work a week, a month or months it dosent matter, this is about what you need , juggling children also trying to keep everything normal will of course impact on you,
You are incredibly strong , amazing person who gets through each day
Keep reaching out to us as we all totally understand how you are feeling xx
Dont ever think of yourself been weak , this journey takes us all on our own separate situations, one step at a time, if your off work a week, a month or months it dosent matter, this is about what you need , juggling children also trying to keep everything normal will of course impact on you,
You are incredibly strong , amazing person who gets through each day
Keep reaching out to us as we all totally understand how you are feeling xx
Thank you UpsetMum xx
LisaMM
take as long as you need. There is nothing to compare to what is secondary victims are going through. It literally affects so many aspects of your life in a different way to your "standard" divorce/addiction or death of a loved one. I'm 6wks into sick leave (2 lots of 4wk sick note) I've been referred for talking therapies. I have had zero mental health issues or any trauma history and am massively struggling with this. My boss has been great and said to wait until I'm ready because it'll help me to get back to work even if it's phased return. Just for routine or something else to focus on because what we're going through will consume everything. Work is something you can control when so much else is out of our control.
if you broke your leg asking for treatment wouldn't be seen as weak, so help for your mental health should not be seen as anything other than getting the healthcare you need and looking after yourself. Your kids need their mum. You need something for you. Work could be that thing.
sending love and strength.
take as long as you need. There is nothing to compare to what is secondary victims are going through. It literally affects so many aspects of your life in a different way to your "standard" divorce/addiction or death of a loved one. I'm 6wks into sick leave (2 lots of 4wk sick note) I've been referred for talking therapies. I have had zero mental health issues or any trauma history and am massively struggling with this. My boss has been great and said to wait until I'm ready because it'll help me to get back to work even if it's phased return. Just for routine or something else to focus on because what we're going through will consume everything. Work is something you can control when so much else is out of our control.
if you broke your leg asking for treatment wouldn't be seen as weak, so help for your mental health should not be seen as anything other than getting the healthcare you need and looking after yourself. Your kids need their mum. You need something for you. Work could be that thing.
sending love and strength.
Hello,
I am also a professional and in middle management so I understand the pressures. I was off work for 6 months which was incredibly hard for me to admit was necessary, but it was. I tried going back after 4 months but after a few days was off again. I went back very slowly (2hours) at first and worked my way up. Now that I am back full time, I will say that it is a welcome distraction. I only told my two close co-workers, both males, and surprisingly they have been amazingly supportive. We don't really talk about it, but they check in and have helped with my workload. When people ask me why I was off, I have a prepared statement "I'm just glad to be back at work". My advice is to listen to your body and don't push yourself to do more than you are ready for.
I am also a professional and in middle management so I understand the pressures. I was off work for 6 months which was incredibly hard for me to admit was necessary, but it was. I tried going back after 4 months but after a few days was off again. I went back very slowly (2hours) at first and worked my way up. Now that I am back full time, I will say that it is a welcome distraction. I only told my two close co-workers, both males, and surprisingly they have been amazingly supportive. We don't really talk about it, but they check in and have helped with my workload. When people ask me why I was off, I have a prepared statement "I'm just glad to be back at work". My advice is to listen to your body and don't push yourself to do more than you are ready for.
Thank you Holding and Prairie - I'm aiming for a very phased return starting v v slow. No point trying until schools restart as we've got huge transitions to navigate (secondary school, etc) and my childcare is no longer available!
I've confided in 3 colleagues today who were always part of my 'ranting about husbands and workloads' chat on Teams! They've been wonderfully kind and supportive. My supervising partner obviously knows.
I've confided in 3 colleagues today who were always part of my 'ranting about husbands and workloads' chat on Teams! They've been wonderfully kind and supportive. My supervising partner obviously knows.