I am sad today
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I just had a breakdown while having a shower. My other half will be at Crown Court on Thursday. I don’t know how I will cope if he gets custodial. My family lives in another country as I am not British. I do get on very well with his family. His mama and grandad will be devastated if it comes out in the media. He is everything to them. His grandad is wheelchair bound and he has been taking them shopping and hospitals for years. He fetches their medications from the pharmacy. They absolutely adore him. I wish I could stop them from hearing it all. His mum has also just been diagnosed with parkinsons, following years of stage 3 bowel cancer battle. She and his dad do know about the knock and everything. We did not tell them about the court because this has been going on for 3 years. It is in the back of their minds and I didn’t want to cause them any more distress than I had to. I will speak to them when it is all done and dusted.
I will go to court with him but I will not go in. I read his charges but I didn’t read the details. I really would rather not hear any of it.
I hope he doesnt get custodial. I don’t know whether I can stand that. I keep having nightmares about him going to prison and getting harmed there. I keep waking up in so much pain and feeling destroyed over and over again. I keep having a nightmare of the morning of the knock over and over too 3 years on. It is always the same nightmare. The tapping of the shoes coming upstairs. 2 strange men and 2 women appearing in my bedroom with my husband. The dreadful feeling. I will never forget the sound of the shoes. It is forever etched to my mind. I always sleep with long sleeve top and bottoms now. I was only in a tshirt that day and my underwear. They wouldn’t let me dress on my own. They watched me get dressed. They don’t know this but they have been a part of my nightmares for years. Even when I am awake, the sound of someone coming upstairs in my house makes my heart race.
I wrote in this forum before and some lovely ladies wanted to dm me but I could not work out how to unlock my dms. It keeps saying that I need to post a thread, which I have done before but I can’t see how to work out the dm function. Does anyone know how? I would really appreciate speaking to others who are walking the same dark road. Going through something so traumatic is awful on its own, but not being able to talk about it makes it ten times worse.
Wish us good luck for Thursday my fellow lovely ladies. I am so sorry you are also going through this. Take care of yourselves and know that in this terrible trauma, there is a woman here who doesn't know you, yet loves all of you. I would give anything to take your pain away x
I will go to court with him but I will not go in. I read his charges but I didn’t read the details. I really would rather not hear any of it.
I hope he doesnt get custodial. I don’t know whether I can stand that. I keep having nightmares about him going to prison and getting harmed there. I keep waking up in so much pain and feeling destroyed over and over again. I keep having a nightmare of the morning of the knock over and over too 3 years on. It is always the same nightmare. The tapping of the shoes coming upstairs. 2 strange men and 2 women appearing in my bedroom with my husband. The dreadful feeling. I will never forget the sound of the shoes. It is forever etched to my mind. I always sleep with long sleeve top and bottoms now. I was only in a tshirt that day and my underwear. They wouldn’t let me dress on my own. They watched me get dressed. They don’t know this but they have been a part of my nightmares for years. Even when I am awake, the sound of someone coming upstairs in my house makes my heart race.
I wrote in this forum before and some lovely ladies wanted to dm me but I could not work out how to unlock my dms. It keeps saying that I need to post a thread, which I have done before but I can’t see how to work out the dm function. Does anyone know how? I would really appreciate speaking to others who are walking the same dark road. Going through something so traumatic is awful on its own, but not being able to talk about it makes it ten times worse.
Wish us good luck for Thursday my fellow lovely ladies. I am so sorry you are also going through this. Take care of yourselves and know that in this terrible trauma, there is a woman here who doesn't know you, yet loves all of you. I would give anything to take your pain away x
Good luck for Thursday. I shall be thinking of you.
once crown is over it definitely feels better as at least the uncertainty is over.
big hugs
xx
once crown is over it definitely feels better as at least the uncertainty is over.
big hugs
xx
You are much further down the line than me, I'm 10 weeks in I think (?) but like you I can replay the first 3h of the knock with what feels like HD accuracy. The exact sound of the knock (I've never heard anything like it, and can't bear anyone knocking on our door now), their exact words, their faces and bodies and how they moved, where they stood and put their notebooks, how my husband looked when I was allowed into the kitchen after 10 minutes, what time my children came down in their pyjamas and what I said to my babies, how my husband waved as he was taken away, what I told the safeguarding lead at the school gate, everything. The buttered toast my friend made me while the police combed the house.
I can't imagine it fading.
Have you had support from healthcare professionals?
wishing you all the best for Thursday. Your poor sweet broken heart xx
I can't imagine it fading.
Have you had support from healthcare professionals?
wishing you all the best for Thursday. Your poor sweet broken heart xx
I wish you a 'positive' outcome for Thursday.
We are all here holding your hand and for what is to come.
We are all here holding your hand and for what is to come.
Hi, it is my son who is my person he has ASD and we are in Crown a week on Thursday so I understand your pain and distress. We have been told to expect a custodial but we're praying the judge will be lenient and take note of all the support he has from his family, his forensic psycology report, his StopSo councilling and Safer Lives course and all the work he has put in to understand his behaviour and to ensure it is never repeated. He had his pre sentence report interview yesterday and he did well as communication is difficult for him. They recommended 18 month community service with 100 hrs unpaid work we have everything crossed that the report will be ready in time as we don't want an adjourment. We are aware that the judge often disregards their recommendations anyway :-(
It has been 3 years 2 months since the knock during which time his father, my ex husband died at the age of 60. A huge loss for my son and his siblings which he has yet to grieve properly for as this hell hanging over us. Preparing my son's prison bag has been awful but I know we have to prepare for the worst. It has cost a fortune but his solicitor has been very thorough he is a specialist in this field and is excellent dealing with ASD clients. My daughter in law is coming with me to court and her support for me and my son has been invaluable. I know exactly how you are feeling but try and be strong and it will soon be over. The wait and not knowing is the absolute worst thing...for 3 years it has been my waking thought and last thought at night. I rarely post but read through the posts most days and it has been such a help and comfort to know there are others going through the same and understand totally what we are going through. I have especially been grateful to Upset, Smile and Ocean who are all mum's I look forward to your posts and they are such a comfort.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you and there is a positive outcome. Just know you are not alone xx
It has been 3 years 2 months since the knock during which time his father, my ex husband died at the age of 60. A huge loss for my son and his siblings which he has yet to grieve properly for as this hell hanging over us. Preparing my son's prison bag has been awful but I know we have to prepare for the worst. It has cost a fortune but his solicitor has been very thorough he is a specialist in this field and is excellent dealing with ASD clients. My daughter in law is coming with me to court and her support for me and my son has been invaluable. I know exactly how you are feeling but try and be strong and it will soon be over. The wait and not knowing is the absolute worst thing...for 3 years it has been my waking thought and last thought at night. I rarely post but read through the posts most days and it has been such a help and comfort to know there are others going through the same and understand totally what we are going through. I have especially been grateful to Upset, Smile and Ocean who are all mum's I look forward to your posts and they are such a comfort.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you and there is a positive outcome. Just know you are not alone xx
I echo the above, hoping that the outcome is as positive as possible for you. In the meantime, if you haven't already, I strongly urge you to speak to your GP and get some support for how you are feeling. Sending love.
I'll be with you on Thursday holding your hand and sending you both strength. Your wait is almost over and then you'll be over the other side and on the next phase of your journey. Wishing you both the best possible outcome.
Once you have posted a certain amount of posts your DM's should become available to you.
Once you have posted a certain amount of posts your DM's should become available to you.
I'm sending you love and a handhold for Thursday xxx Reliving that first day is horrific. I wrote it all down in a diary form. It seemed to help to release it from my head and onto paper.
Hugs from me to you xxx
Hugs from me to you xxx
Your post has made me tearful as it describes so accurately how many of us feel/have felt. My son is the offender and we heard via a 'caller witheld' call to my phone which i ignored but as it kept ringing back I thought someone might have died so answered it. And our nightmare started. I go into a panic over so many things now that remind me of that time.
Your symptoms sound to me very much like PTSD and coincidentally, as I have high blood pressure (definitely from all of this going on as I was fine before), I've just been prescribed a drug called an Alphablocker which is also prescribed to treat the nightmare symptom of PTSD. So there might be some help your GP could give you to at least alllow you to get some sleep without the nightmares. Maybe ask for a prescription?
Good luck for Thursday and sending love and hugs x
Your symptoms sound to me very much like PTSD and coincidentally, as I have high blood pressure (definitely from all of this going on as I was fine before), I've just been prescribed a drug called an Alphablocker which is also prescribed to treat the nightmare symptom of PTSD. So there might be some help your GP could give you to at least alllow you to get some sleep without the nightmares. Maybe ask for a prescription?
Good luck for Thursday and sending love and hugs x
I will be with you on Thursday holding your hand ( albeit virtually) and wishing strength to you both - you are almost there and always remember that you are not alone we are all here for you xx
Like you I have relived the day of the knock over and over again but it does get better over time and I now have strategies to help me cope when I am feeling anxious.
Sending you so so much love and positive energy xx
Like you I have relived the day of the knock over and over again but it does get better over time and I now have strategies to help me cope when I am feeling anxious.
Sending you so so much love and positive energy xx
Sending you love and so much strength for Thursday. Xxxx
I am so sorry you are going through this. Though I was wearing a nightie at the time of the knock, I felt bery vulnerable with 7 or more police officers talking to me in a state of undress. Also when needing to use the bathroom I had to be accompanied. Thankfully the police women did turn her back to me as I was not allowed to close the door. It is these little times of humiliation that has been relived in my mind the most of my memory of the knock.
Please remmeber we are all here, for you.
like Ocean said after you have posted (i think it is about 9 or 10 times) you will come off moderation and then you will be able to DM.
Please continue posting as many times as you need to. We are all here for you. X
Please remmeber we are all here, for you.
like Ocean said after you have posted (i think it is about 9 or 10 times) you will come off moderation and then you will be able to DM.
Please continue posting as many times as you need to. We are all here for you. X
Hello Lonelyexpat, I have all those same horrible fears you have. As you, I am not from here my person neither so it feel extremly lonely and hard all this situation. We do have sometimes people coming to visit us but I can understand how tough the situation is. I send you all my love, strengths and hugs. Wish you lot of luck hopefully everything will be okay and you and your person will move on!!
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending positive vibes. I understand uour trauma response to the 'knock'. We had 17 policemen raid our house in full gear. They took down the front door. I'm planning on getting EMDR- type of trauma therapy- once this is all resolved. I'd recommend it. You've come this far...hopefully it will all be a relief once its resolved.
Take care
Take care
Oh Hycinth that's dreadful. What a traumatic violent experience. I've heard amazing things about EMDR. I hope it helps x
Sending strength for tomorrow x
We will all be with you in spirit tomorrow.
I wasn't at home at the time if the knock - and after hearing everyone's stories I feel quite glad about that.
But I will never forget when the police caught up with me and gave me the news.
My whole life - and I expect everyone else is the same - our lives are now split in two - before the knock and after it.
My person went to jail. To me he seemed to get in fine but I doubt I've been told everything. I did worry about him to begin with but now I think life was easier when he was locked up!
I'm now trying to navigate my future as a single person and to try and build a future even if it is oh so very different to the one I imagined.
I had a counselling session today and could tell her that some of the sadness has gone to be replaced by bitterness. Maybe this is the first step on the healing process.
Take care of yourself.
I wasn't at home at the time if the knock - and after hearing everyone's stories I feel quite glad about that.
But I will never forget when the police caught up with me and gave me the news.
My whole life - and I expect everyone else is the same - our lives are now split in two - before the knock and after it.
My person went to jail. To me he seemed to get in fine but I doubt I've been told everything. I did worry about him to begin with but now I think life was easier when he was locked up!
I'm now trying to navigate my future as a single person and to try and build a future even if it is oh so very different to the one I imagined.
I had a counselling session today and could tell her that some of the sadness has gone to be replaced by bitterness. Maybe this is the first step on the healing process.
Take care of yourself.
Hi ladies,
Read your comments with tears in my eyes. I will stop saying I feel lonely now. Thanks to you lot I no longer feel alone. I now know that tomorrow, you will all be holding my hand. And I will be holding yours whenever you need it. :’) Xx
Read your comments with tears in my eyes. I will stop saying I feel lonely now. Thanks to you lot I no longer feel alone. I now know that tomorrow, you will all be holding my hand. And I will be holding yours whenever you need it. :’) Xx
LonelyExpat, I wish you all the strength for Thursday! We will all be thinking about you.
Oh Lonely, this is the club no one wants to be in, but in the two weeks I've had the courage to post on the forum everyone's been so kind. We'll all be holding your hand tomorrow <3
Lonely,
Your post resonated with me as I answered the door in just a towel having been in the shower when they knocked. I too had to be accompanied to get changed, the top I threw on was never worn again as it always reminded me of that moment.
I'm 5 years post knock, it does get easier. I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
Take care
Your post resonated with me as I answered the door in just a towel having been in the shower when they knocked. I too had to be accompanied to get changed, the top I threw on was never worn again as it always reminded me of that moment.
I'm 5 years post knock, it does get easier. I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
Take care
LonelyExpat,
will be thinking of you tomorrow, x
will be thinking of you tomorrow, x
Thinking of you today and sending you lots of love and strength xx
Thank you Seaside, we are at the court building. Waiting for them to call him at the moment. It is dreadful.
Sending love and strength xxx You have been in my thoughts all morning x
Thinking of you today. Sending love and strength x
Sending love and strength to you x thinking of you
Hi ladies, I thought I would update you all. Other half got 2 years suspended, 10 years SOR, 10 years SHPO, victim charge for the police decoy which is weird considering they went out of their way to do it, and 250 hours community service.
Small wins, he didn’t go to prison. Hopefully it won’t be on media either. That is the part I dread most.
I can now put it all behind me and start rebuilding my life xxxx
Small wins, he didn’t go to prison. Hopefully it won’t be on media either. That is the part I dread most.
I can now put it all behind me and start rebuilding my life xxxx
Lonely thank you for updating us. Take a deep breath and unclench those shoulders just a little x
Lonely expat, im glad you can finally start to heal.
May I ask what the charges were? OK if you don't want to say.
May I ask what the charges were? OK if you don't want to say.
I have been thinking about you all day and am so happy to hear your news- take a deep breath and time to relax now and then you can start to move forward together xxx
LonelyExpat, I bet you feel massive relief now. Take some time to really look after yourself now xx
Thank you for sharing and hope you're able to relax some tonight
hugs for whatever comes next xxx
hugs for whatever comes next xxx
Hello lonely, thanks for the update! And so happy all this is over <3. Now you might finally get some time to relax and put all this behind. Send you lot of love to you and your family
Lonely Expat,
Good that it is over for you, hopefully you can now take some time for yourself, take things one day at a time xxx
Good that it is over for you, hopefully you can now take some time for yourself, take things one day at a time xxx
Thank you for letting us know. Onward and upward now but don't be surprised if you don't feel better immediately. I know for me it took a little while before I felt able to relax and start moving forward.
I wish you both all the very best.
I wish you both all the very best.
Thank you all.
ConflictedMum the charges were:
- Making - all categories (for those not sure, making refers to not only viewing indecent images but also downloading. Because that way you made a copy of it for yourself)
- Distribution - this was apparently done once. He doesn’t remember it. But they like to say they don’t remember it when they don’t want to talk about it if you ask me.
- Communication with a decoy. This is charged as attempted communication as it is not with a real underage person.
He plead guilty at the earliest opportunity. This gives 30% reduction to their sentence.
3.5 years wait was mentioned under mitigating factors. The judge said that it was the longest wait he has seen in his court and that it was awful.
Other mitigating factors included the fact that he had a job, a mortgage, he was still married and it was his first offence.
Not sure if my PMs are working but feel free to message me if you would like to know more.
Each case is very different and there is a minimum and maximum sentence they can give for each charge. According to my OH, his judge tried his best to keep his sentence under 2 years to be able to give him a suspended sentence. He really did make use of every mitigating factor and kept discounting his sentence. But he also said the following:
"This case is now mine. If you reoffend, you will be seeing me again. And make no mistake, if you do it again, you will go to prison"
ConflictedMum the charges were:
- Making - all categories (for those not sure, making refers to not only viewing indecent images but also downloading. Because that way you made a copy of it for yourself)
- Distribution - this was apparently done once. He doesn’t remember it. But they like to say they don’t remember it when they don’t want to talk about it if you ask me.
- Communication with a decoy. This is charged as attempted communication as it is not with a real underage person.
He plead guilty at the earliest opportunity. This gives 30% reduction to their sentence.
3.5 years wait was mentioned under mitigating factors. The judge said that it was the longest wait he has seen in his court and that it was awful.
Other mitigating factors included the fact that he had a job, a mortgage, he was still married and it was his first offence.
Not sure if my PMs are working but feel free to message me if you would like to know more.
Each case is very different and there is a minimum and maximum sentence they can give for each charge. According to my OH, his judge tried his best to keep his sentence under 2 years to be able to give him a suspended sentence. He really did make use of every mitigating factor and kept discounting his sentence. But he also said the following:
"This case is now mine. If you reoffend, you will be seeing me again. And make no mistake, if you do it again, you will go to prison"
My partner downloaded a file from Kick. Didn't even know they was there. He did this 6 yrs ago but got arrested 2 years ago.
after 2 year wait he had 1 cat A and 19 others.
he didn't get a suspended sentence. He got 100 hours community service. £250 fine and on the reg for 5 years.
we told the truth the whole time. Saying all this our lives been turned upside down because they reported it in the local paper.
i never questioned him at any point nor did our family. But once our best friends found out they said they couldn't be our friends anymore. After 20 years!
these stories are helping me right now. This is just the beginning for us
after 2 year wait he had 1 cat A and 19 others.
he didn't get a suspended sentence. He got 100 hours community service. £250 fine and on the reg for 5 years.
we told the truth the whole time. Saying all this our lives been turned upside down because they reported it in the local paper.
i never questioned him at any point nor did our family. But once our best friends found out they said they couldn't be our friends anymore. After 20 years!
these stories are helping me right now. This is just the beginning for us