Family turn their backs
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I'm hoping for help going forward. My husband of over 30 years was found by the police to have images on his devices. This is now almost 3 months and we are struggling. I left and came back a few times, he threatened suiside and so fear and love brought me back. I have told my immediate family who are horrified and are angry that after walking into their homes for support and now they see me return back to my husband. They are so angry that I can ever possibly walk this road. Should I not have told them as now I'm in turmoil altogether as too many opinions and I understand they want me to walk away and they see it as clear cut. Has others had simular experiences.
My situation is different in that I'm separated from my husband pending the outcome of the investigation, but my family are extremely hostile to me having ANY contact with him, even though we share children (he sees them for a day or two every few weeks supervised by me). I've tried explaining that he actually has legal rights he could in theory assert, that the kids ask repeatedly to see him despite knowing an age appropriate broad outline, that I don't yet KNOW the outcome of the investigation and that I'm safeguarding in line with an SS safety plan, but nothing goes in! On the other hand I'd be worry if a loved one returned to a spouse under investigation because he "threatened suicide". That feels emotionally manipulative and deeply unjust to you. He is the one who put himself in this situation and HE now needs to take responsibility. So I can honestly see both sides!
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Like I no longer know who I am. I sleep rarely, I lie to family to protect their worry for me. They believe ?e has moved out and the reason I've told them this, is cos the repeated texts and calls. I leave and I come back. Like he is trying to get help and I don't know any more. I don't want to give up my life I build for years, but can I lie to family long term. My sister is so black and white and can't ever imagine going forward with this guy and says things like I always hated him, he is a piece of and a pedophile and my brothers say that for rest of my life, " can you carry this" and then I have my son who also falls in the honey trap of suicide threats. He is trapped trying to help us both. He is 30. How do people do this? I can't make any decision at moment as I'm an emotional mess. Any advice welcomed
Like I no longer know who I am. I sleep rarely, I lie to family to protect their worry for me. They believe ?e has moved out and the reason I've told them this, is cos the repeated texts and calls. I leave and I come back. Like he is trying to get help and I don't know any more. I don't want to give up my life I build for years, but can I lie to family long term. My sister is so black and white and can't ever imagine going forward with this guy and says things like I always hated him, he is a piece of and a pedophile and my brothers say that for rest of my life, " can you carry this" and then I have my son who also falls in the honey trap of suicide threats. He is trapped trying to help us both. He is 30. How do people do this? I can't make any decision at moment as I'm an emotional mess. Any advice welcomed
Not wanting to sound harsh, but what is he doing to help himself? It sounds like he urgently needs to seek professional help (his GP and the LFF helpline sounds like good places to start). I went into all this with the 'advantage' of having had an alcoholic parent, who I eventually and painfully cut contact with many years ago. She was manipulative and never at any point acknowledged her alcoholism, despite it being glaringly obvious to everyone else. Ultimately you can't 'save' people with destructive compulsions / addictions, you can only support them as they themselves take responsibility and chose to seek help with turning their lives around, and never offending again if they are offending.
I guess also there's a continuum between staying and going. You can split / separate, but still seek to be a positive presence in their lives provided they're working hard on themselves. You can separate pending the outcome of the investigation, because sadly plenty of them aren't honest about what they've been up to.
I also hope your son is ok. It sounds like he could do with counselling in his own right if he's up for it.
I guess also there's a continuum between staying and going. You can split / separate, but still seek to be a positive presence in their lives provided they're working hard on themselves. You can separate pending the outcome of the investigation, because sadly plenty of them aren't honest about what they've been up to.
I also hope your son is ok. It sounds like he could do with counselling in his own right if he's up for it.
Yeah I sent on the number for stop it now to my son and he says at this point he is okay.
My husband has from the first moment been remorseful and has been seeking help. We are in Dublin ireland so you pay for stop it now calls and a lot of support are uk supports. Hard to find help here in Republic. He has GP app Tues and a phychology app on phone on Thursday so for that reason, I'm still here.
We have talked more in last 3 months that in previous 10 years
When I have left on 2 occasions he gets down as he has no friends. My son thinks he is autistic as he always isolated, finds hard to make and keep friends and is generally socially awkward.
My family have calmed a lot in last 3 days since I lied about him moving only so they gave me space. I still love him and I hope there is help out there
My husband has from the first moment been remorseful and has been seeking help. We are in Dublin ireland so you pay for stop it now calls and a lot of support are uk supports. Hard to find help here in Republic. He has GP app Tues and a phychology app on phone on Thursday so for that reason, I'm still here.
We have talked more in last 3 months that in previous 10 years
When I have left on 2 occasions he gets down as he has no friends. My son thinks he is autistic as he always isolated, finds hard to make and keep friends and is generally socially awkward.
My family have calmed a lot in last 3 days since I lied about him moving only so they gave me space. I still love him and I hope there is help out there
I would have lost more by staying. No one forced me into the decision to leave. In fact it took me many many months to make up my mind.
I believe that his offending will never completely go away. I'm sure at some point it would rear it's ugly head again.
I couldn't live my life like this. I'm better off on my own - mentally.
Don't feel swayed by others - no one but you knows what it is like just now.
I believe that his offending will never completely go away. I'm sure at some point it would rear it's ugly head again.
I couldn't live my life like this. I'm better off on my own - mentally.
Don't feel swayed by others - no one but you knows what it is like just now.