Struggling with a burden
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Hi everyone,
I am glad I have found this forum. I feel stuck in a rut and I need to talk about it - to try and unravel the different parts of what has happened and then decide fully upon the actions I still need to take. I haven't really found anywhere I can share this, apart from a select few friends, but recently I've found myself becoming more and consumed by it, and need to take action to move on from it.
2 years ago, the 4.5 year relationship I had been in broke down due to infidelity. This was 'the last straw' after a particularly bad year where my ex partner had almost completely stopped being intimate in any way, and it became apparent he was withholding or lying about many things in the relationship. The trust was already broken but on some level I had hoped it was repairable - the infidelity helped nurture a realisation that he would habitually put his immediate needs above the feelings of others. I understand this to be a survival technique rather than that he is a bad person, but it was hard to move past. This was the 'official reason' I told friends and family the relationship ended, but under the surface is something else much more significant which is what I want to talk about today.
Just a quick bit of back story - this man was born and lives in New Zealand. I went out there on a working holiday visa in 2011, met him and then found myself happier than I'd ever been, accepted into a community and living a lifestyle so enriched I never thought possible. So I moved my whole life out there and committed to be with him, got very close with his family (and still am very close with his mum) got the family stream work visa etc. After I had been there around a year, I had a job running a motel and one day I found on the computer history some images which I can only describe as child modelling pics. I knew there was something totally strange and wrong about it so I contacted a local computer guy and he came and wiped the computer for me. A guy who used to run the motel had it pinned on him. A few weeks later I was on my partners PlayStation and spotted in the search bar a similar 'name' to the name that was in the search bar. The fear struck me suddenly that it could have something to do with him, but I'm ashamed to say I just squashed it to the bottom of my mind, I was so afraid of losing my life there, and couldn't believe he would do such a thing.
Fast forward to the year before I left the country (3 years ago) I found evidence on my own laptop that he had been searching up similar images again, and also search terms which seemed to be evocative of potentially much 'harder' sites but I honestly wouldn't know, I would need to speak to someone who was aware of these things which is maybe something I can do through here? I don't want to repeat them here. There was no evidence of him accessing the sites but he may have deleted it. He also downloaded the tor browser onto my computer which I didn't think of as suspicious at the time but now find quite significant. So this time I confronted him. He told me he had been abused as a kid and was ashamed of himself but denied there was a sexual element to it. I asked him not to access things again but then found further evidence. I was so angry and he just had nothing to say, just his head in his hands. He lived in a very small community and refused to talk to anyone in the area, and said if he was ever discovered then he would end his life - which would be on my shoulders. So in the end I decided to leave the area to go and study somewhere else in the hope he would leave the community to join me, and we could go and get the help he needed. I was being very idealistic at this point and seemed to be taking full responsibility for him getting help and really saw him as the victim in all this. He also told me he was getting help for his 'problem' in the form of an Internet forum and he was 'over it'. So I believed it.
However. After we split up, I was no longer sure what to do. He kept saying he was coming out here and I kept believing once he got to the UK that he would be able to get the help - but then finally 2 years later in May this year, he disappeared. Stopped contacting me and said he was in a dark place and needed to get well. Again, I felt for him - so gave him the space. Recently however I found out this was another lie. He actually got a new partner! So I feel betrayed all over again and mugged off. I just don't want anything more to do with him at this point, but I know I have a moral responsibility to communicate what I know to someone. I still live in the terror that if his community discovers this that he would end his life, I still just want him to get help despite the anger I feel. A good friend has suggested I tell his sister, a member of his family who is close enough to keep an eye on him, but I also fear that he will make me out as a crazy person.
I don't think he is a predator or a danger to children but then again, I don't know him. The man I thought he is, is only a small part of the man he really is. I don't have the knowledge or awareness to make the call of whether he needs to be brought to justice or whether there is actually now no true evidence of what he has done. I am so confused and don't know who to talk to about it or where to go from here.. .
I am glad I have found this forum. I feel stuck in a rut and I need to talk about it - to try and unravel the different parts of what has happened and then decide fully upon the actions I still need to take. I haven't really found anywhere I can share this, apart from a select few friends, but recently I've found myself becoming more and consumed by it, and need to take action to move on from it.
2 years ago, the 4.5 year relationship I had been in broke down due to infidelity. This was 'the last straw' after a particularly bad year where my ex partner had almost completely stopped being intimate in any way, and it became apparent he was withholding or lying about many things in the relationship. The trust was already broken but on some level I had hoped it was repairable - the infidelity helped nurture a realisation that he would habitually put his immediate needs above the feelings of others. I understand this to be a survival technique rather than that he is a bad person, but it was hard to move past. This was the 'official reason' I told friends and family the relationship ended, but under the surface is something else much more significant which is what I want to talk about today.
Just a quick bit of back story - this man was born and lives in New Zealand. I went out there on a working holiday visa in 2011, met him and then found myself happier than I'd ever been, accepted into a community and living a lifestyle so enriched I never thought possible. So I moved my whole life out there and committed to be with him, got very close with his family (and still am very close with his mum) got the family stream work visa etc. After I had been there around a year, I had a job running a motel and one day I found on the computer history some images which I can only describe as child modelling pics. I knew there was something totally strange and wrong about it so I contacted a local computer guy and he came and wiped the computer for me. A guy who used to run the motel had it pinned on him. A few weeks later I was on my partners PlayStation and spotted in the search bar a similar 'name' to the name that was in the search bar. The fear struck me suddenly that it could have something to do with him, but I'm ashamed to say I just squashed it to the bottom of my mind, I was so afraid of losing my life there, and couldn't believe he would do such a thing.
Fast forward to the year before I left the country (3 years ago) I found evidence on my own laptop that he had been searching up similar images again, and also search terms which seemed to be evocative of potentially much 'harder' sites but I honestly wouldn't know, I would need to speak to someone who was aware of these things which is maybe something I can do through here? I don't want to repeat them here. There was no evidence of him accessing the sites but he may have deleted it. He also downloaded the tor browser onto my computer which I didn't think of as suspicious at the time but now find quite significant. So this time I confronted him. He told me he had been abused as a kid and was ashamed of himself but denied there was a sexual element to it. I asked him not to access things again but then found further evidence. I was so angry and he just had nothing to say, just his head in his hands. He lived in a very small community and refused to talk to anyone in the area, and said if he was ever discovered then he would end his life - which would be on my shoulders. So in the end I decided to leave the area to go and study somewhere else in the hope he would leave the community to join me, and we could go and get the help he needed. I was being very idealistic at this point and seemed to be taking full responsibility for him getting help and really saw him as the victim in all this. He also told me he was getting help for his 'problem' in the form of an Internet forum and he was 'over it'. So I believed it.
However. After we split up, I was no longer sure what to do. He kept saying he was coming out here and I kept believing once he got to the UK that he would be able to get the help - but then finally 2 years later in May this year, he disappeared. Stopped contacting me and said he was in a dark place and needed to get well. Again, I felt for him - so gave him the space. Recently however I found out this was another lie. He actually got a new partner! So I feel betrayed all over again and mugged off. I just don't want anything more to do with him at this point, but I know I have a moral responsibility to communicate what I know to someone. I still live in the terror that if his community discovers this that he would end his life, I still just want him to get help despite the anger I feel. A good friend has suggested I tell his sister, a member of his family who is close enough to keep an eye on him, but I also fear that he will make me out as a crazy person.
I don't think he is a predator or a danger to children but then again, I don't know him. The man I thought he is, is only a small part of the man he really is. I don't have the knowledge or awareness to make the call of whether he needs to be brought to justice or whether there is actually now no true evidence of what he has done. I am so confused and don't know who to talk to about it or where to go from here.. .
I should point out there is a lot else happening in regards to coming to terms with my own totally 'denial' response and the shame I feel for how badly I have dealt with this, how I have lied to so many people about why our relationship broke down. But all this is hinging on the fact that I am so ashamed that I didn't report it straight away and STILL HAVEN'T. I feel like there is somethinf wrong with me, for being too afraid to do what's right. I don't let myself get close to any men, I feel trapped in purgatory. I just want all this to be resolved...
Thank you poster. I might give them a call tomorrow afternoon if you think it will help. Its so hard to know what to do any more.
I haven't managed to get through yet but I have tried. My understanding of counselling is that if I disclose any information in which a potential crime has been committed counsellors may be forced to break confidentiality. I personally feel I am not ready to disclose this to a therapist until I understand more about what the consequences are and what my responsibilitys are in this situation Hopefully the helpline will be good. I also think if you are encouraging people on here to talk to therapists it might be wise to mention the limits of confidentially and how this might impact someone if they confide in a counsellor and then discover the counsellor has had to take it outside the room xx
Thank you so much for putting that into words and sharing your experience. I really appreciate your response xx