Is it possible to move past this
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I'm only 2 weeks into this since my partner got arrseted and I'm aware there's a lot mroe to come. I'm jsut wondering wether it's possible to move past this and for us to stay together. I'm on and off staying jsut want advise if anyone has stayed with there partner if it can work.
Does staying affect how your family is with you mine have very strong opinions on this they are my neighbours and are aware of the situation and all say leave have labeled him a creep and removed anything good about him from there minds.
he has told me everything well what I hope is everything but he won't tell the police which I think is a bad move. I jsut want this to end and not be dragged out for years we have a 6 month old and a 4 year old. With this effect there life, friendships?
Does staying affect how your family is with you mine have very strong opinions on this they are my neighbours and are aware of the situation and all say leave have labeled him a creep and removed anything good about him from there minds.
he has told me everything well what I hope is everything but he won't tell the police which I think is a bad move. I jsut want this to end and not be dragged out for years we have a 6 month old and a 4 year old. With this effect there life, friendships?
I'm not sure, it's a hard one I'm 10 weeks into this nightmare and it's still raw. I left for a short time and I'm back now again but I'm still struggling and like you I'm not sure if it's even possible to survive it. I find the help line brilliant and they are setting up a zoom in the coming weeks with other secondary victims and maybe this will be the help I need to make decisions. Sends hugs and I'm wishing you all the very best.
We're just over 3 years into all of this, nearly 2 years past sentencing. We're still together and stronger than ever, he moved out for around 20 months due to our children which he is now allowed unsupervised and lived back at home for over a year. It all depends on how you see everything. Just please don't feel that you need to stay or that you can't leave because of what his done because you've done nothing wrong
I'm 10 weeks in (I think?) and after constant heartache, rage, bewilderment, fear, devastation etc I have recently gone into a numb state where I just feel... disappointed, but resigned to things. I can only assume it's my brain trying to manage things as I don't actually know what I feel resigned TO. I haven't made a decision and I don't know how I could make a decision until charges, at the earliest.
I don't feel any romantic feelings of love anymore, but I do want him to be well, and I care about him. Our children would love us to be together in some form but they don't see how hard it is (because I'm doing a bloody spectacular job). He's got supervised access overnight but it's tiring and I don't have space for my feelings when he's here too much. So I make him stay elsewhere 2+ nights a week.
Has anyone managed to successfully cohabit and coparent, safely and amicably, without it being a 'marriage' in the usual sense? Particularly if there was a custodial sentence.
I don't feel any romantic feelings of love anymore, but I do want him to be well, and I care about him. Our children would love us to be together in some form but they don't see how hard it is (because I'm doing a bloody spectacular job). He's got supervised access overnight but it's tiring and I don't have space for my feelings when he's here too much. So I make him stay elsewhere 2+ nights a week.
Has anyone managed to successfully cohabit and coparent, safely and amicably, without it being a 'marriage' in the usual sense? Particularly if there was a custodial sentence.
For me, no. I discovered his behaviour goes back decades, even before we were together. He continued to lie to me even though he'd looked me in the eye and promised there was nothing else to come out, but I found more sickening evidence, some of which resulted in an interim SRO. The despicable things he's done online, at home, and in person are unforgivable.
I'm divorcing him after 20+ years together and it's the hardest time of my life, but I know it's the right decision.
But that's not the case for everyone and only you can decide. My only advice, as a partner at nearly 10 months post-knock so with a lot more still to come, is to take your time making the decision, but always follow your gut xx
I'm divorcing him after 20+ years together and it's the hardest time of my life, but I know it's the right decision.
But that's not the case for everyone and only you can decide. My only advice, as a partner at nearly 10 months post-knock so with a lot more still to come, is to take your time making the decision, but always follow your gut xx
There is no rush to make a decision. You will undoubtedly change your mind multiple times. It is your decision alone - don't let anyone influence you.
It took me a long time to end my long marriage. Hardest decision I've ever had to make.
It took me a long time to end my long marriage. Hardest decision I've ever had to make.
Brokenday, I stayed with him. But it has not been easy. We are 3.5 years post knock and his sentencing was just done last week. He got 2 years suspended.
I remember the dreadful feeling I had at the beginning. I remember locking the bedroom door because I couldn’t trust him. He was not the person I knew and I didn’t feel safe. What else was he capable of?
I still suffer with PTSD from it all. I lost all my trust. I felt like I knew nothing about people. We both worked from home. I spent all my time with him. If he managed to do that without me noticing, what else would he be capable of without me knowing.
But he was also the caring husband I married because he would look after his mama and grandad. The man who would come home with flowers. The one who ran to everyone’s help.
I was in no state to decide what happens next so I decided to wait for the decision to come to me. I decided not to rush anything and allow time to clear everything.
And time did just that. First of all I realised that I could actually tell he was lying to me when he was doing all this. I wasn’t stupid, I knew something wasn’t right because he would lock his phone if I got anywhere near him and he never allowed me on his laptop. Even when my one was broken, he made a second account for me on his laptop and never shared the password for his own. I thought that he was having an affair but he was manipulative. He would make me feel like I was absolutely mad for thinking something wasn’t right. And I believed him. To the degree I once caught him flirting with a woman I knew over Facebook (she was the same age as us) but I never asked him about it and thought I was being paranoid. I now know, thanks to my therapist, that he was gaslighting me. But I knew he wasn’t up to anything good in my gut.
Second of all I learnt that it is never black and white. He is not just evil, or just good. He has been a combination of both over the years.
Third of all, I saw a massive change in his behaviour since the knock. He has immediately come clean. He has been working very hard ever since, putting me first. It is difficult to describe it here but his selfish acts have disappeared. He told the police everything and thanked them for catching him. Because he kept relapsing into doing this stuff and they put the fear of justice in him and the shock was good enough to never do it again. He now confidently hands me any of his devices. And my gut doesn’t flag up his behaviour.
But the most important thing I learnt with time was that it was a choice, my choice, to decide to stay or leave. And only I have the power to make that choice. Noone else can choose for me. I chose to stay for now, I chose to put my trust in his recovery. But I am not stupid and I no longer blindly trust anyone let alone him. I learnt how to be independent. I put myself first now. As long as I am still happy, I will stay. As soon as I see any silly behaviour, I will leave. Time taught me that I hold the power over my decisions and it taught me my worth. I am no longer sacrificing anything for anyone.
I would like to add that I am very sorry you are going through this nightmare. You go through all sorts of emotions. Even grievance. You grieve the life you once thought you had. Just know that you are not alone and we will hold your hand through this journey should you wish to go through it.
If you are going to stay with him or leave him, just do it for you, not for him or anyone else X
I remember the dreadful feeling I had at the beginning. I remember locking the bedroom door because I couldn’t trust him. He was not the person I knew and I didn’t feel safe. What else was he capable of?
I still suffer with PTSD from it all. I lost all my trust. I felt like I knew nothing about people. We both worked from home. I spent all my time with him. If he managed to do that without me noticing, what else would he be capable of without me knowing.
But he was also the caring husband I married because he would look after his mama and grandad. The man who would come home with flowers. The one who ran to everyone’s help.
I was in no state to decide what happens next so I decided to wait for the decision to come to me. I decided not to rush anything and allow time to clear everything.
And time did just that. First of all I realised that I could actually tell he was lying to me when he was doing all this. I wasn’t stupid, I knew something wasn’t right because he would lock his phone if I got anywhere near him and he never allowed me on his laptop. Even when my one was broken, he made a second account for me on his laptop and never shared the password for his own. I thought that he was having an affair but he was manipulative. He would make me feel like I was absolutely mad for thinking something wasn’t right. And I believed him. To the degree I once caught him flirting with a woman I knew over Facebook (she was the same age as us) but I never asked him about it and thought I was being paranoid. I now know, thanks to my therapist, that he was gaslighting me. But I knew he wasn’t up to anything good in my gut.
Second of all I learnt that it is never black and white. He is not just evil, or just good. He has been a combination of both over the years.
Third of all, I saw a massive change in his behaviour since the knock. He has immediately come clean. He has been working very hard ever since, putting me first. It is difficult to describe it here but his selfish acts have disappeared. He told the police everything and thanked them for catching him. Because he kept relapsing into doing this stuff and they put the fear of justice in him and the shock was good enough to never do it again. He now confidently hands me any of his devices. And my gut doesn’t flag up his behaviour.
But the most important thing I learnt with time was that it was a choice, my choice, to decide to stay or leave. And only I have the power to make that choice. Noone else can choose for me. I chose to stay for now, I chose to put my trust in his recovery. But I am not stupid and I no longer blindly trust anyone let alone him. I learnt how to be independent. I put myself first now. As long as I am still happy, I will stay. As soon as I see any silly behaviour, I will leave. Time taught me that I hold the power over my decisions and it taught me my worth. I am no longer sacrificing anything for anyone.
I would like to add that I am very sorry you are going through this nightmare. You go through all sorts of emotions. Even grievance. You grieve the life you once thought you had. Just know that you are not alone and we will hold your hand through this journey should you wish to go through it.
If you are going to stay with him or leave him, just do it for you, not for him or anyone else X
Don't feel rushed or pressured to make any decision and when you do make one, make sure it's for you and not influenced by anyone else!
We are 2.5 years post knock and 2 weeks post sentancing - He got suspended. First of all I split up with him, stayed with my mum for weeks and then came back (we owned a house together and I needed to go back to work). I told a close friend and my mum at that time to have support. During this time I decided to support him as a friend through therapy and coirses etc (it was diavovered he had a severe porn addiction and he was also severely depressed). Love got in the way and I decided for MYSELF to stay. I lost family and friends along the way and the close friend I leaned on in the beginning was not happy and told everyone I knew.
It was the best decision to stay. I love him and seeing him grow and change (in a positive way) throughout his journey has been great to see. We are now happier and stronger than ever. We have a great relationship, a happy and stable relationship.
We have support from some family members (the ones that matter). It was a long and lengthy process and I suffered a lot of anxiety and depression throughout - counselling really helped me.
Everyone's journey, reasonings and experience is different. Don't put any pressure on yourself and remember that you have done nothing wrong! Just take each day as it comes and things will fall into place xx
We are 2.5 years post knock and 2 weeks post sentancing - He got suspended. First of all I split up with him, stayed with my mum for weeks and then came back (we owned a house together and I needed to go back to work). I told a close friend and my mum at that time to have support. During this time I decided to support him as a friend through therapy and coirses etc (it was diavovered he had a severe porn addiction and he was also severely depressed). Love got in the way and I decided for MYSELF to stay. I lost family and friends along the way and the close friend I leaned on in the beginning was not happy and told everyone I knew.
It was the best decision to stay. I love him and seeing him grow and change (in a positive way) throughout his journey has been great to see. We are now happier and stronger than ever. We have a great relationship, a happy and stable relationship.
We have support from some family members (the ones that matter). It was a long and lengthy process and I suffered a lot of anxiety and depression throughout - counselling really helped me.
Everyone's journey, reasonings and experience is different. Don't put any pressure on yourself and remember that you have done nothing wrong! Just take each day as it comes and things will fall into place xx