Advice on partner's opinion?
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I would like people's opinion on something my partner said recently. He is currently in prison so I am getting concerned the other inmates are having an affect on his views on these crimes.
My partner's current view, which he's recently told me, is it is a case of 'attraction', but that it can be 'managed'. That you can't necessarily change what you're attracted to.
I asked how he will manage that going forward on release and he said by figuring out why he did it, then said if it's insecurity issues or loneliness by finding other ways to cope with that such as a book club or getting a dog.
I'm not sure how to feel about this? Something doesn't sit right with me with the way he's essentially admitting to still being attracted to minors... and saying 'you can't change what you're attracted to necessarily'.
He then went on to say he believes there are plenty of people on the outside who have an attraction to it, don't act on it, and their partners accept that because they think 'there's not a way for him to stop feeling this way, but he's not acting on it, and he's managing it, so it's something they accept'.
He also compared it to him asking me to stop liking a certain kink of mine, saying 'it wouldn't be easy for you to just stop doing it, would it'. I didn't appreciate a kink which hurts no one, being compared to his immoral and illegal attraction.
What are people's thoughts on this attitude?
My partner's current view, which he's recently told me, is it is a case of 'attraction', but that it can be 'managed'. That you can't necessarily change what you're attracted to.
I asked how he will manage that going forward on release and he said by figuring out why he did it, then said if it's insecurity issues or loneliness by finding other ways to cope with that such as a book club or getting a dog.
I'm not sure how to feel about this? Something doesn't sit right with me with the way he's essentially admitting to still being attracted to minors... and saying 'you can't change what you're attracted to necessarily'.
He then went on to say he believes there are plenty of people on the outside who have an attraction to it, don't act on it, and their partners accept that because they think 'there's not a way for him to stop feeling this way, but he's not acting on it, and he's managing it, so it's something they accept'.
He also compared it to him asking me to stop liking a certain kink of mine, saying 'it wouldn't be easy for you to just stop doing it, would it'. I didn't appreciate a kink which hurts no one, being compared to his immoral and illegal attraction.
What are people's thoughts on this attitude?
It's not his attraction that is illegal, it's his actions and his behaviour. That's why the media are so wrong to describe someone as a 'convicted P'. You cannot be convicted of having an attraction. You can only be convicted of behaving in an illegal manner.
It's true that if somebody has an attraction then it can be managed and that's what therapists and Probation will tell him. He's not just getting it from other inmates.
There is a debate among academics, about whether or not an attraction can be changed. Some people, such as Paul Fedoroff, say it can, others like James Cantor say it cannot.
There are also groups on the internet for non offending P, such as B4uact.org, that offer support to people who have an attraction, but do not want to act on it.
We may not like or approve of the thoughts people have in their heads, but we should judge them on what they do.
However, I would also be cautious about saying someone has an attraction, because of their behaviour. There are plenty of people who look at iioc, or who abuse children, who are not P.
If the issues that he talks about are loneliness and insecurity, then that suggests there is more going on. Ideally he should talk to a therapist about these things, as well as what he is attracted to, to get a fuller understanding of why he did it.
It's true that if somebody has an attraction then it can be managed and that's what therapists and Probation will tell him. He's not just getting it from other inmates.
There is a debate among academics, about whether or not an attraction can be changed. Some people, such as Paul Fedoroff, say it can, others like James Cantor say it cannot.
There are also groups on the internet for non offending P, such as B4uact.org, that offer support to people who have an attraction, but do not want to act on it.
We may not like or approve of the thoughts people have in their heads, but we should judge them on what they do.
However, I would also be cautious about saying someone has an attraction, because of their behaviour. There are plenty of people who look at iioc, or who abuse children, who are not P.
If the issues that he talks about are loneliness and insecurity, then that suggests there is more going on. Ideally he should talk to a therapist about these things, as well as what he is attracted to, to get a fuller understanding of why he did it.
Hi Edel,
But the fact is he did act on his attraction, multiple times, for a number of years. I guess I am questioning his stance on the matter when he's had that attraction for 6 years now, acted on it for years until his arrest, but now thinks it can be managed by going to a book club or getting a dog. He will always be at risk of doing it again. He isn't able to access therapy in prison at the moment unfortunately, and I don't know when he will be able to.
I recently looked through one of his old social media accounts and the conversations I saw were disturbing, showing a lack of respect for the individuals involved as well as me. I have yet to confront him about this, but at this point I'm unsure if it's even worth it when every time I speak to him about what he did it's like trying to get blood from a stone and there is almost zero remorse in his tone. However the fact remains he clearly fetishized underage girls and enjoyed being called the P word during these chats. I am just unsure if therapy or 'managing' this attraction is enough in his case...
But the fact is he did act on his attraction, multiple times, for a number of years. I guess I am questioning his stance on the matter when he's had that attraction for 6 years now, acted on it for years until his arrest, but now thinks it can be managed by going to a book club or getting a dog. He will always be at risk of doing it again. He isn't able to access therapy in prison at the moment unfortunately, and I don't know when he will be able to.
I recently looked through one of his old social media accounts and the conversations I saw were disturbing, showing a lack of respect for the individuals involved as well as me. I have yet to confront him about this, but at this point I'm unsure if it's even worth it when every time I speak to him about what he did it's like trying to get blood from a stone and there is almost zero remorse in his tone. However the fact remains he clearly fetishized underage girls and enjoyed being called the P word during these chats. I am just unsure if therapy or 'managing' this attraction is enough in his case...
May I asked what the charges were and how long his sentence? I'm concerned about likely custodial sentence, and some of what you've said in your posts is worryingly similar. Sorry to pry.
Hi, my ex would say the same however, I'd been with him for 30 years when I first got the knock. A day after the arrest he phoned me from prison and old me he'd been attracted to children since puberty. He managed to keep a lid on it until he was 47, two years before the knock. He's recently reoffended. I don't think he'll ever be able to control it. I think things push him over the edge, so to speak. Have you done the Inform course? There's a section about how they can be encouraged not to reoffend by loving a good, meaningful, life. I kind of thought that's what we were doing bringing up 4 kids, one disabled, me being sick but supporting him for 7 years while he did a degree to better our lives but, hey ho. I'll never ever trust him now. X
Hi Lucy22,
Are you still with your person? Is he attracted to adults?
I struggle with the idea, like many on here, with the idea that my husband may have an attraction to minors. His psychologist believes anyone who sexualizes children has pedophilic interests, including those who accessed material during an escalating porn addiction and never ever thought about it beforehand. I know that's not a popular opinion on this forum.
His psychologist believes attractions can be diminished and possibly extinguished, with it being easier if the person is also attracted to adults. Just like looking at images and chatting reinforced those undesirable attractions, positive healthy attractions to adults can be reinforced.
I think your person is right to acknowledge management is also important. It sounds like he is looking for insight into his pathways for offending (ex. Sex as coping, loneliness, etc.). Isn't that a good thing? Don't we all want our people to get better?
Are you still with your person? Is he attracted to adults?
I struggle with the idea, like many on here, with the idea that my husband may have an attraction to minors. His psychologist believes anyone who sexualizes children has pedophilic interests, including those who accessed material during an escalating porn addiction and never ever thought about it beforehand. I know that's not a popular opinion on this forum.
His psychologist believes attractions can be diminished and possibly extinguished, with it being easier if the person is also attracted to adults. Just like looking at images and chatting reinforced those undesirable attractions, positive healthy attractions to adults can be reinforced.
I think your person is right to acknowledge management is also important. It sounds like he is looking for insight into his pathways for offending (ex. Sex as coping, loneliness, etc.). Isn't that a good thing? Don't we all want our people to get better?
I think the point I was trying to make before, is that if someone has offended, but now wants to change, then their attraction can be managed. If they don't want to change, then there is going to be a problem.
It's not going to be simple, because whatever the things were, that caused a person to offend before, may still be present in their life, even after their sentence has finished. If it is an attraction, rather than loneliness for example, then it's more difficult, but not impossible.
I agree that if they are attracted to adults as well, then they can focus on this. Remind themselves why they were/are in a relationship and what they got out of that.
But also identify the triggers that led to their offending. Why were they on the internet and what were they getting from that, which they couldn't get offline? Can they substitute an offline activity, that will give them the same things?
For the partners though, there is a trust issue. Even if the person is looking at legal adult porn, then their partner may still feel that they are cheating on them. So he doesn't only need to manage his attraction, he also needs to restore trust. A lot of men have a hard time recognising that, because they don't see porn as cheating.
Probation can help with the first part, identifying triggers and so on, but for the trust issue, you're going to need something else, maybe couples therapy for instance.
It's not going to be simple, because whatever the things were, that caused a person to offend before, may still be present in their life, even after their sentence has finished. If it is an attraction, rather than loneliness for example, then it's more difficult, but not impossible.
I agree that if they are attracted to adults as well, then they can focus on this. Remind themselves why they were/are in a relationship and what they got out of that.
But also identify the triggers that led to their offending. Why were they on the internet and what were they getting from that, which they couldn't get offline? Can they substitute an offline activity, that will give them the same things?
For the partners though, there is a trust issue. Even if the person is looking at legal adult porn, then their partner may still feel that they are cheating on them. So he doesn't only need to manage his attraction, he also needs to restore trust. A lot of men have a hard time recognising that, because they don't see porn as cheating.
Probation can help with the first part, identifying triggers and so on, but for the trust issue, you're going to need something else, maybe couples therapy for instance.