How to cope now?
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A little over a year ago, my stable, even happy life was blown apart by one little text.
That text was from my 22 year old son who was away at University. He'd been arrested for talking to an under 16 online (she was 14). He never arranged to meet her but there was photos exchanged and sex talk.
This week he went to court, a suspended sentence, community work and 10 years on the sex offenders register.
I don't know how I feel anymore. I just feel like it's my fault. He was my miracle child, so did I spoil him? I feel like I'm going to explode, with nobody to confide in. I'm scared neighbours will find out and assume the worst.
I'm just not sure where to turn
That text was from my 22 year old son who was away at University. He'd been arrested for talking to an under 16 online (she was 14). He never arranged to meet her but there was photos exchanged and sex talk.
This week he went to court, a suspended sentence, community work and 10 years on the sex offenders register.
I don't know how I feel anymore. I just feel like it's my fault. He was my miracle child, so did I spoil him? I feel like I'm going to explode, with nobody to confide in. I'm scared neighbours will find out and assume the worst.
I'm just not sure where to turn
I can't imagine what it is like when it is your son ( mine was my partner)
He is still your boy and I'm sure you will give him all the love and help he needs.
The neighbours knowing isn't the end of the world - it soon turns into old news.
Sending hugs.
He is still your boy and I'm sure you will give him all the love and help he needs.
The neighbours knowing isn't the end of the world - it soon turns into old news.
Sending hugs.
Tara - You've made a good step forward by telling us your story on the forum, we are here to help.
i can understand your pain as my son is the offender. Please, please never blame yourself, our home was not a happy place when my sons secret life was discovered and I blamed myself for a long time.
I think we have a 'need' to try to find a reason why this has happened to our families but quite often there is no reason. Honest my lovely, try not to blame yourself.
i can understand your pain as my son is the offender. Please, please never blame yourself, our home was not a happy place when my sons secret life was discovered and I blamed myself for a long time.
I think we have a 'need' to try to find a reason why this has happened to our families but quite often there is no reason. Honest my lovely, try not to blame yourself.
Hi Tara,
It is also my son who is the offender. I literally didn't see anything coming, he was as far as anyone could see a perfect child! Everyone who meets him loves him and people would always comment how good he is etc... I didn't notice anything was wrong, I thought we had a good open relationship, there was nothing going on in our family past or present that I could pin point, we were happy.
It is still early days for us and as smile said I can't help but try and find reasons so I can understand it better. I have re-run our whole life in my mind, thinking was he abused at some point etc... It is SO hard.
Hope you're okay, well done on reaching out, as it helps to have others who know how you feel. Hugs xx
It is also my son who is the offender. I literally didn't see anything coming, he was as far as anyone could see a perfect child! Everyone who meets him loves him and people would always comment how good he is etc... I didn't notice anything was wrong, I thought we had a good open relationship, there was nothing going on in our family past or present that I could pin point, we were happy.
It is still early days for us and as smile said I can't help but try and find reasons so I can understand it better. I have re-run our whole life in my mind, thinking was he abused at some point etc... It is SO hard.
Hope you're okay, well done on reaching out, as it helps to have others who know how you feel. Hugs xx
Tara x
Another mum here also
You have absolutely done nothing wrong in the way you raised your son ,
There are so many reasons why our sons end up on this journey and only they have accountability for there actions no one else
I am so pleased he was given a suspended sentence, how is he in himself?x
And well done for reaching out, you are not alone x
Another mum here also
You have absolutely done nothing wrong in the way you raised your son ,
There are so many reasons why our sons end up on this journey and only they have accountability for there actions no one else
I am so pleased he was given a suspended sentence, how is he in himself?x
And well done for reaching out, you are not alone x
Hi,
We're at the beginning of this journey, it's been 6 weeks from 'the knock'. It was also our eldest. who has never been in trouble before even at school, but he has vulnerabilities due to having a mild/moderate learning disability. He is also very shy, spending lots of time online, exacerbated by the pandemic as he was told to shield.
He appears to be relieved that he was caught and has been engaging with supports. We as a family have reached out for support from Stop it Now, who have been very reassuring. The Police were fantastic, were very discreet. We were worried that the neighbours would see the Police coming to our house, but they don't appear to have. It's natural as parents to feel that we could have prevented it, and that we were to blame.
We as a family have decided to carry on as normal, as we know that it's going to many months before his court case is concluded.
We're at the beginning of this journey, it's been 6 weeks from 'the knock'. It was also our eldest. who has never been in trouble before even at school, but he has vulnerabilities due to having a mild/moderate learning disability. He is also very shy, spending lots of time online, exacerbated by the pandemic as he was told to shield.
He appears to be relieved that he was caught and has been engaging with supports. We as a family have reached out for support from Stop it Now, who have been very reassuring. The Police were fantastic, were very discreet. We were worried that the neighbours would see the Police coming to our house, but they don't appear to have. It's natural as parents to feel that we could have prevented it, and that we were to blame.
We as a family have decided to carry on as normal, as we know that it's going to many months before his court case is concluded.
Oh god! Thank you so much, I just felt so alone, with nobody I could tell, the only person who knows is my daughter because she has young children. Social services rang her to see if she knew and if she trusted him in the same house as my son, she gave them both barrels. Just because he talked to a 14 year old online doesn't mean he wants to touch his niece and nephews!!!
They are allowed round but not left alone, t
hey adore him.
I had no clue about my son either. He told me that he started watching porn at the age of 12. So maybe it's my fault that I didn't limit his internet access.
He is very open with me now and we have discussed many things. He has been paying for therapy because he wants to change, and I believe he has changed. We just have to get through the next ten years somehow.
As for our neighbours, we need to keep it quiet because they are the type of families who will brick your windows and set fire to your car.
I just didn't think I'd be facing this at this time of my life. It's just stress upon stress upon stress. But I do love him, and he will never be homeless
I just feel like it was life before, and life now.
They are allowed round but not left alone, t
hey adore him.
I had no clue about my son either. He told me that he started watching porn at the age of 12. So maybe it's my fault that I didn't limit his internet access.
He is very open with me now and we have discussed many things. He has been paying for therapy because he wants to change, and I believe he has changed. We just have to get through the next ten years somehow.
As for our neighbours, we need to keep it quiet because they are the type of families who will brick your windows and set fire to your car.
I just didn't think I'd be facing this at this time of my life. It's just stress upon stress upon stress. But I do love him, and he will never be homeless
I just feel like it was life before, and life now.
Tara
I am also a Mum on here and like you I initially thought that I must have done something wrong in bringing up my son for him to do this.
However through talking to him ( he has been open and honest with us) and hearing from the other Parents on here I have come to realise that there are many reasons for his behaviour and that it doesn't stem from his upbringing and that we did nothing wrong.
Im pleased that your son received a suspended sentence you can now move forward together xx
I am also a Mum on here and like you I initially thought that I must have done something wrong in bringing up my son for him to do this.
However through talking to him ( he has been open and honest with us) and hearing from the other Parents on here I have come to realise that there are many reasons for his behaviour and that it doesn't stem from his upbringing and that we did nothing wrong.
Im pleased that your son received a suspended sentence you can now move forward together xx
Hi Tara,
Yet another Mum here. My son was sentenced last year and also received a suspended sentence, community work and 10 years SOR and SHPO. His marriage ended and he moved back in with us on the night of his arrest and we've been supporting him ever since.
I too have questioned whether I was to blame and in hindsight can see that there were a few red flags in his teenage years which I wish I had acted upon. But we can't turn the clock back. I agree it is like life before and life after but life after means moving forward, recovering and rebuilding.
You're no longer dealing with this alone. We're all here for you and you've now got plenty of peope to confide in.
Yet another Mum here. My son was sentenced last year and also received a suspended sentence, community work and 10 years SOR and SHPO. His marriage ended and he moved back in with us on the night of his arrest and we've been supporting him ever since.
I too have questioned whether I was to blame and in hindsight can see that there were a few red flags in his teenage years which I wish I had acted upon. But we can't turn the clock back. I agree it is like life before and life after but life after means moving forward, recovering and rebuilding.
You're no longer dealing with this alone. We're all here for you and you've now got plenty of peope to confide in.