Just need to vent…
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10 weeks today and I'm exhausted.
3 weeks of school holiday done and 3 left. OH is allowed supervised overnight stays but I can't cope with him being here every night as I need time for me and the children to process / relax / be lighthearted.
I only get practical help in the evenings, as I'm signed off with depression and anxiety and he's found a new job so is working full time. All the grunt work - childcare, bedtimes, bath times, cheering up heartbroken stressed kids - falls to me. I'm so weary I'm not a natural stay at home mum, I'm a professional in a hectic job but this is so much harder than my job
I know there's a long road ahead before a resolution. He's doing all the right things to rehabilitate himself but I just resent it all so much. The rage and heartbreak and disbelief and grief are currently giving way to resentment.
I'm trying to see how this could possibly play out. Has anyone's relationship come back from this level of resentment? Has anyone managed to coparent effectively after a custodial sentence, or is that the end of living together? I have a sinking feeling this is going to be at the bad end of the spectrum.
3 weeks of school holiday done and 3 left. OH is allowed supervised overnight stays but I can't cope with him being here every night as I need time for me and the children to process / relax / be lighthearted.
I only get practical help in the evenings, as I'm signed off with depression and anxiety and he's found a new job so is working full time. All the grunt work - childcare, bedtimes, bath times, cheering up heartbroken stressed kids - falls to me. I'm so weary I'm not a natural stay at home mum, I'm a professional in a hectic job but this is so much harder than my job
I know there's a long road ahead before a resolution. He's doing all the right things to rehabilitate himself but I just resent it all so much. The rage and heartbreak and disbelief and grief are currently giving way to resentment.
I'm trying to see how this could possibly play out. Has anyone's relationship come back from this level of resentment? Has anyone managed to coparent effectively after a custodial sentence, or is that the end of living together? I have a sinking feeling this is going to be at the bad end of the spectrum.
Hi
I understand your position. I feel incredibly stressed as the 1 year anniversary of the police raid is next week. My husband doesn't live with us per his bail conditions as we have a child. I'm carrying most of the childcare, household chores load plus the constant anxiety as I can't see how I can hold into the house on my salary alone if it comes to that. I am supportive of him but I know I can't be with him. We see him most days of the week and I feel ambivalent at best. I'm grieving the loss of what we had and what could've been but he put us on a different path. The disgust and resentment and feelings of betrayal have cracked the foundation of what I thought was a solid marriage of 25 years. This experience is so toxic. I'm trying very hard to work on myself and to build a life for my child and I. My child keeps me going. I go walking and I'm spending a lot of time gardening - without these things I'd go a bit mad. All I can say is find something to ground you, something to focus on. You don't have to decide to stay or go right now.
Take care
I understand your position. I feel incredibly stressed as the 1 year anniversary of the police raid is next week. My husband doesn't live with us per his bail conditions as we have a child. I'm carrying most of the childcare, household chores load plus the constant anxiety as I can't see how I can hold into the house on my salary alone if it comes to that. I am supportive of him but I know I can't be with him. We see him most days of the week and I feel ambivalent at best. I'm grieving the loss of what we had and what could've been but he put us on a different path. The disgust and resentment and feelings of betrayal have cracked the foundation of what I thought was a solid marriage of 25 years. This experience is so toxic. I'm trying very hard to work on myself and to build a life for my child and I. My child keeps me going. I go walking and I'm spending a lot of time gardening - without these things I'd go a bit mad. All I can say is find something to ground you, something to focus on. You don't have to decide to stay or go right now.
Take care
Thank you Hicynth. I just can't believe he threw all this away - a solid happy marriage, two beautiful children, a strong, funny, energetic and not-bad-looking wife, all for the sake of a silly fantasy world. It's making me trawl back through our whole relationship and wonder what was going on, why did I always feel like I was carrying the load despite him being, ostensibly, an equal partner in parenting, domestic stuff etc.
To be honest I'm starting to find it easier when he isn't here, as the kids and I can muddle along instinctively - our routine isn't regimented or perfect but we're going through things at our own paces.
I can only see a way forward with him living platonically at the end of the garden in a little 'garden room', but they cost £14k and we don't have spare money. I definitely never want to be intimate with him or anyone ever again.
To be honest I'm starting to find it easier when he isn't here, as the kids and I can muddle along instinctively - our routine isn't regimented or perfect but we're going through things at our own paces.
I can only see a way forward with him living platonically at the end of the garden in a little 'garden room', but they cost £14k and we don't have spare money. I definitely never want to be intimate with him or anyone ever again.
It's so hard to believe that the pull of "it" is stronger than what they've thrown away which for us was a solid 30 year relationship, 17 year marriage, 4 children, lovely permanent home, degree achieved over 7 years, great job literally weeks away before the knock. It's mind blowing. And my ex has gone and done it again!!
Oh LittleRobin that's just so demoralising and crushing. I'm so sorry <3
Currently trapped in a vicious cycle of tiredness, where I'm too exhausted to do anything big and exciting to tire the kids out, so they aren't going to sleep til v late, which means I'm exhausted again, and on it goes. I keep trying to nap but am constantly being interrupted, which just adds to the resentment. I'm not feeling 'with it' at all.
LisaMargeMaggie, I'm not sure if you're taking anti depressants but if you are it might be worth changing the time you take them. I am on 2 different types, 1 (Trazodone) also works as a sedative so I take that one at night but if I take Escitalopram at night it seems to keep me awake all night so I take that one in the morning.
Thank you ocean. I'm on max dose of sertraline, having been on 'maintenance dose' since post natal depression in 2013.
It is helping to soften the edges of the trauma and I am sleeping better, but I find a whole day is an awfully long time to awake. It takes everything I've got to give the children NOT JUST a nice calm day (even if it's boring) but ALSO to manage their additional emotional needs throughout the day, especially when we're all tired in the evening. I've just woken from a 2h nap and feel my head is above water, briefly. So much screen time happening...
It is helping to soften the edges of the trauma and I am sleeping better, but I find a whole day is an awfully long time to awake. It takes everything I've got to give the children NOT JUST a nice calm day (even if it's boring) but ALSO to manage their additional emotional needs throughout the day, especially when we're all tired in the evening. I've just woken from a 2h nap and feel my head is above water, briefly. So much screen time happening...