All we do is argue
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Almost every day for 10 weeks since the knock we argue. I just can't get my head around this. Our latest fight today is if you are only staying for pity or you'll never trust me again so what's the point. I find I keep pressing his buttons on this and the whys and how can we ever go forward. I find I can't see a future and while I've loved this man for 35 years. I feel hopeless. Has others stuck by their man throughout this. It feels so very impossible right now. I know I'm making him even more depressed but I almost want him to suffer for causing such pain. This is a nightmare. I just want to wake up. To feel normal and not have this consume my ever thought. He had downloaded images and videos and all his devices have been taken. I just need to vent.
10 weeks here too. The rage and resentment is overwhelming. Sometimes I want him to suffer, he's put me through absolute hell.
My person has been caught chatting (images and messages). It's horrific. Sending a hug xx
My person has been caught chatting (images and messages). It's horrific. Sending a hug xx
Ah Lisa we never asked to for this, like being penalised for a crime we didn't commit. Do you see yourself sticking by him. I left last week for full week but I'm back but it's a constant row. He is remorseful but I hear a lot of excuses and my tolerance level is minimal. I don't know will we survive but then where does one of us go. It becomes another expense. A rollercoaster at moment. Sends hugs back ????
It took me almost a year to make the decision to end my very long relationship. I thought we could get through it but I couldn't cope with the constant lies I was telling and to be honest the trust had well and truly gone.
Everyones situation is different but I would say don't rush into any decisions. Think about what is right for you.
One of the reasons I stayed was because I thought I couldn't cope on my own. Turns out we are stronger than we think.
Everyones situation is different but I would say don't rush into any decisions. Think about what is right for you.
One of the reasons I stayed was because I thought I couldn't cope on my own. Turns out we are stronger than we think.
Alpaca I honestly don't know. I feel as though I'm getting to know him for the first time niw, and he's getting to know the real me - resilient, tough, honest, putting my children without a moment's hesitation. I think there are two new people emerging and only time will tell if they work together.
I know I can do this alone, so I'm not staying together out of fear. But I also know finishing it will/would be horribly painful and hard to do. Hugs x
I know I can do this alone, so I'm not staying together out of fear. But I also know finishing it will/would be horribly painful and hard to do. Hugs x
I'm still here 2 1/2 years after the knock and 18 months after the verdict. I'm hanging on by a thread, and don't know how much more I can take.
There is no trust left, I have PTSD from the knock, I expect the Police to come back every time the door bell goes. I have nightmares, etc etc.
I can't trust him anymore, I can't believe a word he says anymore. I said originally that I forgave him, but I can't, and I'll never forget.
I'm only still here because I'm so scared to be on my own, and I have no way of supporting myself and nowhere to go.
Take your time, but trust your gut.
There is no trust left, I have PTSD from the knock, I expect the Police to come back every time the door bell goes. I have nightmares, etc etc.
I can't trust him anymore, I can't believe a word he says anymore. I said originally that I forgave him, but I can't, and I'll never forget.
I'm only still here because I'm so scared to be on my own, and I have no way of supporting myself and nowhere to go.
Take your time, but trust your gut.
Hi,
I'm here 2 years after the knock, 6 months after court and I'm feeling so low. I've tried to get past it but personally for me, I just can't carry on with the relationship.
I am so sad, angry and disappointed. I feel bitter and resentful. The trust is gone.
In my case I don't think my OH really has any idea how much devastation has been caused. The shock alone of police officers telling me why they were here, the knock, I still panic if there's a loud knock at the door. The embarrassment and shame of telling my mom and dad, my employer.(I work in a school) Having SS all over me like I'd done something wrong. The lies I've told to friend a and family saying "I'm ok" when I'm absolutely dying inside. He has ruined my life.
im sorry I sound woe is me today, I'm having a bad day. I'm just so annoyed for all of us innocent ones who are pushed into this awful daily nightmare.
I'm here 2 years after the knock, 6 months after court and I'm feeling so low. I've tried to get past it but personally for me, I just can't carry on with the relationship.
I am so sad, angry and disappointed. I feel bitter and resentful. The trust is gone.
In my case I don't think my OH really has any idea how much devastation has been caused. The shock alone of police officers telling me why they were here, the knock, I still panic if there's a loud knock at the door. The embarrassment and shame of telling my mom and dad, my employer.(I work in a school) Having SS all over me like I'd done something wrong. The lies I've told to friend a and family saying "I'm ok" when I'm absolutely dying inside. He has ruined my life.
im sorry I sound woe is me today, I'm having a bad day. I'm just so annoyed for all of us innocent ones who are pushed into this awful daily nightmare.
LilyRose84, I completely understand you. I don't work in a school, but my son is starting reception in September.
I had to disclose on the registration form that we had previous ss involvement.
I know they will ask me what it was in relation to.
The thoughts of having to disclose the nature of the police investigation to school fills me with dread and I just want to lock myself in a dark room.
I'm staying with my husband, but it makes me angry that this is my "new life" now because of him.
I had to disclose on the registration form that we had previous ss involvement.
I know they will ask me what it was in relation to.
The thoughts of having to disclose the nature of the police investigation to school fills me with dread and I just want to lock myself in a dark room.
I'm staying with my husband, but it makes me angry that this is my "new life" now because of him.
I understand how you are feeling, Worsethananynightmare. I have stayed, so far, with my OH. 2 years post sentencing. I also feel i have stayed because of financial reasons and not really because i want to. I feel that if we were rich he would have his own place and i would have mine. Then we would see each other if we wanted to not because we have to. It does not help he still sleeps downstairs i do not have a downstairs room to have a break from him. It is not easy. Sorry you are going through this....
Webb89 - I could have written what you have said. I will admit that one of the reasons I stayed was financial - but eventually I realised that all the money in the world couldn't repair the damage that had been done to my marriage - and to me.
I need and want to move on.
I need and want to move on.
Thanks Webb89, I really appreciate your comment.
AnxiousGirl, I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, very little family and hardly any local friends, plus no way of supporting myself. All this is partly my own fault as I've had depression and anxiety for years, but after the knock SO and I backed away from lots of friends so that they wouldn't have to know what had happened.
But I think of him more like a brother or a friend now, there are no feelings of love left for him as I will never be able to trust him again.
I need to move on, I need to learn to look after myself and to love myself. As much as I wish we could find the spark again and fix our relationship, deep down I know we can't. I'm just SO scared of having to cope on my own. He did a very bad thing, but generally he's always been a good husband and a great dad, and I don't know how to wipe out so many years of relying on him and find a way to rely on myself now.
AnxiousGirl, I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, very little family and hardly any local friends, plus no way of supporting myself. All this is partly my own fault as I've had depression and anxiety for years, but after the knock SO and I backed away from lots of friends so that they wouldn't have to know what had happened.
But I think of him more like a brother or a friend now, there are no feelings of love left for him as I will never be able to trust him again.
I need to move on, I need to learn to look after myself and to love myself. As much as I wish we could find the spark again and fix our relationship, deep down I know we can't. I'm just SO scared of having to cope on my own. He did a very bad thing, but generally he's always been a good husband and a great dad, and I don't know how to wipe out so many years of relying on him and find a way to rely on myself now.
Hi everyone. I've felt emotional these last couple of days. Not really sure why. I still see my OH but we live apart now. Just been away with family and I just kept seeing couples and thinking that was us last year. And the secure future I thought we had has gone. I feel I need to make more concrete plans for myself. I don't earn a lot and I'm lucky that where I've moved to belongs to family so is low cost but my worry is that I know they are selling the property in a few years. What then. I'm in my mid fifties. Do I re train to try and get a better job etc etc. I am usually a positive person but I think sometimes it all just gets to us. sending hugs to anyone who needs one today x
Anxiousgirl- you are braver than me. Really I am just taking the easy route, at the moment. I am too scared to have no money. I wish i was. X
Hi all. I'm still very early days but for us it's all moving really quickly. I made some hasty decisions in the first few days/ week which I'm treating as a lesson and I'm now trying to give myself time to process everything before I make any big decisions about my future.
Im trying to learn as much as I can about what happened/ what lead him there, how I feel about what happened, what I feel about our relationship etc. I want to give him both the time to work it out for himself (I'm pretty sure he's tried to hide this even from himself), and to be completely honest with me whilst I give him the benefit of the doubt and am focusing on all the good I know about him being a great husband and dad and trying to accept that 1. Noone knows everything about anyone 2. That good people can do bad things and 3. That no one likes to share the worst things about them.
That said, I really don't know what the future looks like for our relationship. Am I supporting him so that if I choose to stay we have better options. Am I supporting him because that's something i *do* have control over. Am I supporting him because mere weeks ago he was the love of my life and my best friend. Possibly all the above.
I'm hoping that with time and information that the decision will be clearer but god it's hard. There are so many mixed emotions and conflicting thoughts going round and round my head.
How can I live with him/ this. How can I live without him. Short of finding a Time Machine and undoing all of this, there is no going back and so we must all move forward and work out the best thing for us. I'm happy that for now that is me supporting him, and can accept that may not always be the case.
lots of rambling thoughts. Sorry!
Im trying to learn as much as I can about what happened/ what lead him there, how I feel about what happened, what I feel about our relationship etc. I want to give him both the time to work it out for himself (I'm pretty sure he's tried to hide this even from himself), and to be completely honest with me whilst I give him the benefit of the doubt and am focusing on all the good I know about him being a great husband and dad and trying to accept that 1. Noone knows everything about anyone 2. That good people can do bad things and 3. That no one likes to share the worst things about them.
That said, I really don't know what the future looks like for our relationship. Am I supporting him so that if I choose to stay we have better options. Am I supporting him because that's something i *do* have control over. Am I supporting him because mere weeks ago he was the love of my life and my best friend. Possibly all the above.
I'm hoping that with time and information that the decision will be clearer but god it's hard. There are so many mixed emotions and conflicting thoughts going round and round my head.
How can I live with him/ this. How can I live without him. Short of finding a Time Machine and undoing all of this, there is no going back and so we must all move forward and work out the best thing for us. I'm happy that for now that is me supporting him, and can accept that may not always be the case.
lots of rambling thoughts. Sorry!
West I could have written your post. I'm 11 weeks post knock and have felt every negative emotion there is, cried my heart out for a Time Machine to undo all this, thought about never seeing him again, a platonic cohabitation and every other possible future. So much is out of my control - almost everything in fact - and I find myself exerting control where I can, eg helping him with him understanding of himself. At the moment I'm helpfully numb, though I cry most nights. My beloved 82 year old mum adored him and now fears she won't live long enough to see me come out of the other side.
I had the sudden realisation this morning that I can no longer promise my girls funding for university, help with a house deposit etc. Their dad is no longer the source of stability, logic etc in the home. He's like a lit firework and we don't yet know how much he's going to destroy when it finally explodes.
sending you so much love xx
I had the sudden realisation this morning that I can no longer promise my girls funding for university, help with a house deposit etc. Their dad is no longer the source of stability, logic etc in the home. He's like a lit firework and we don't yet know how much he's going to destroy when it finally explodes.
sending you so much love xx