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I just wanted to add a post for anyone currently going through this, or has just found themselves here. I haven't been much on here for a while, but it has been such an important platform for the times I've needed it, and the experiences and knowledge from everyone in here and knowing I wasn't alone was so valuable to me.

My story begins 10 days before Christmas in 2021, with a knock at the door. Police came in and advised that my partner of 7yrs had been arrested. They wouldn't give any details, but due to the nature of the questions I instantly knew the nature of what had happened. They did a brief search of the house and left. My partner returned home that evening, released under investigation, and said that he had been arrested trying to meet a 15yr old that he had been speaking to on Kik. The 15yr old in question turned out to be a police decoy. I asked him for the details, what else had happened, how long they'd been talking, were pictures exchanged etc and he said there was nothing and they had only been speaking a couple of weeks. He said he knew they weren't real and wanted to go and see if he was right. We argued and I blindly believed him. There had been cheating in our relationship before and he knew there were no more chances, I told him the relationship was done. We had bought our first home together 6 months before the knock. I allowed him to remain in the house till he found something else but separate rooms. We carried on living together as almost friends.

I had to inform my parents as he was due to come for Christmas dinner and explained we had split so he wouldn't make it. My mum knew there was more and I told her what he told me. My sisters found out later and our relationship broke down. They refused to see things in a different perspective and were forceful in wanting me to kick him out and end all contact. Words were said and we stopped speaking for over a year. It devastated my family, and they couldn't understand or want to see reason into to why I was being supportive. I only told one really close friend who was amazing.

I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me the truth, telling him it would all come out in the end. He convinced me there was nothing more. He saw my heartbreak at losing my family and comforted me through it.

Not going to lie, I lost myself. Pretty much a year of my life I lived in a blur just trying to make it through each day. Alcohol became a comfort for a period of time. It was exhausting putting on a brave face, smiling through it all and trying to explain to people why we'd split without being a bubbling mess and spilling it all. Lying to friends and people I hold dearest. The wanting just to tell someone, but catching myself at the last moment.

He moved out six months later and I bought him out the house. We kept in contact regularly and had mutual friends (only one of which knew what had happened). Contact got less as time went on, and I rebuilt the relationship with my sisters and we're in a really good place, if even a better relationship than before.

Fast forward to now. His case hit the papers. No warning from him. I found out as an old friend got in touch and told me and wanted to offer her support. I read the article and there was more to what he told me. The girl (decoy) in question had been 14yrs old. There were 8 images ranging from Cat A- C. He was charged with attempting to meet a child under 16 following grooming, and 3 counts of making indecent images. He got two years suspended sentence, 30 rehabilitation days, 35 days of the Horizon programme, 100 hours of unpaid work, and a SHPO for 10yrs. Could it have been worse, definitely. Many other persons stories on here are. But the lying about it all was enough of a deception for me.

I'm angry that he didn't give me one last bit of dignity or respect to give me heads up so I could tell everyone that needed to know in advance. Im angry that he let my family go through all this, and let my relationship with them break down, and all the stress it caused knowing full well he hadn't been honest with me. I'm angry he didn't walk away knowing what he had done and the lies he told. Do I hate him? No. I feel sorry for him. I feel some people have to reach a rock bottom before they look at who they are and make better choices, and this is his has been his. We have no ties so it's easy for me to walk away completely

So far the people that needed to know and who I wanted to let know have been nothing but supportive. Everyone has understood why I didn't come to them when it all first happened, and have understood how hard it has been to have kept a secret for all these years. I suffered in large part alone, but made it through. And all the years of this looming in the background everyday are now over. There is nothing more to surprise me. There are no more lies he will tell me.

I won't be on here anymore. But I want to send all my love and thoughts to everyone in here. It seems impossible, but you will make it through. Everything I panicked about and consumed me at times didn't completely break me. I now know what I expect and deserve from any potential future relationship I may have. Sending you all the best wishes and positive outcomes whatever that may be, and for whatever that means to you. Be kind to yourself, your thoughts and feelings. There is no rule book on how to feel, how to process this and on how to deal with it all. Everyone's situation is different and there will be different outcomes to everyone's story. Look after yourself, don't feel guilty for feeling selfish at times. You are your number one priority. The community in here has been so supportive and very much needed in times of need and isn't promoted enough for those that find us here. It's opened my eyes to a wider issue that I hope in time will addressed and resources provided. Love to you all xxx