Struggling with the idea of divorce
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We are now 15 months on from the initial knock. My DH was arrested and they found a relatively small amount of Cat A-C on his devices. We are awaiting formal charges/court etc.
I have a small child and work full time. Since the knock, I have struggled to decide what my future holds. I really struggle with working full time and parent solo. He WFH in my house but leaves early evening and sleeps somewhere else. He helps with very basic housework and stays for dinner so he can see his child. So he is around every evening.
I have discovered that I have lost my love for him after all this. I have so much resentment and really miss the life I used to have. I live in fear that it will get shared with the media and ruin my child's life. I hate every second, I'm miserable.
He really isn't being as proactive as he should be, the solicitor gave advice which he hasn't followed, he is making stupid decisions all the time, clearly depressed but won't get help. I'm exhausted by telling him to do XYZ just for him to not bother doing it. It's like he doesn't care, despite in the same sentence reeling off his remorse for the situation.
But I'm utterly exhausted. I have no family nearby, only his. I live in a house which is in his name, I wouldn't be able to afford to move out, I struggle balancing being a good parent with an incredibly stressful job, I struggle to keep my house tidy as I'm so bloody exhausted. I just feel like a failure.
I feel that by keeping him around at least I have a bit of help and don't have to stress about my future so much. But it isn't a marriage anymore. Yet for some reason I'm struggling to take that step to actually call it quits. I miss the old him, I miss the old us. He knows me better than anyone, he puts up with all my quirks. I just don't want to divorce him despite that being the logical solution here. This isn't healthy for me or my child, but neither is coping entirely on my own.
I just don't know what to do.
I have a small child and work full time. Since the knock, I have struggled to decide what my future holds. I really struggle with working full time and parent solo. He WFH in my house but leaves early evening and sleeps somewhere else. He helps with very basic housework and stays for dinner so he can see his child. So he is around every evening.
I have discovered that I have lost my love for him after all this. I have so much resentment and really miss the life I used to have. I live in fear that it will get shared with the media and ruin my child's life. I hate every second, I'm miserable.
He really isn't being as proactive as he should be, the solicitor gave advice which he hasn't followed, he is making stupid decisions all the time, clearly depressed but won't get help. I'm exhausted by telling him to do XYZ just for him to not bother doing it. It's like he doesn't care, despite in the same sentence reeling off his remorse for the situation.
But I'm utterly exhausted. I have no family nearby, only his. I live in a house which is in his name, I wouldn't be able to afford to move out, I struggle balancing being a good parent with an incredibly stressful job, I struggle to keep my house tidy as I'm so bloody exhausted. I just feel like a failure.
I feel that by keeping him around at least I have a bit of help and don't have to stress about my future so much. But it isn't a marriage anymore. Yet for some reason I'm struggling to take that step to actually call it quits. I miss the old him, I miss the old us. He knows me better than anyone, he puts up with all my quirks. I just don't want to divorce him despite that being the logical solution here. This isn't healthy for me or my child, but neither is coping entirely on my own.
I just don't know what to do.
I identify so strongly with your post. I'm much earlier in the process but the mourning and resentment are so overwhelming. Sending a huge hug.
Sometimes my brain tells me it's all over, and other times that I haven't yet decided. I don't think I'll know til I've seen the charges, or possibly until after sentencing. When I go back to work in 3 weeks it's going to be so hard, like you my job is immensely stressful and I'm not sure where I'll find my stamina from.
He's here most evenings after work, but is also working on himself (commendably, but it means less time to help me). I also need time apart from him every few days which is a mixed bag as my youngest child is v high needs and I get exhausted trying to keep both kids happy on my own. I resent any time he spends on himself when I think he should be helping me. I grieve for my old life, and financial security which will probably end with plea or sentencing.
Have you tried therapy, alone or as a couple? I'm having weekly psychology sessions through work health insurance, and am planning to do couples therapy once I'm on more of an even keel. I feel like we both need to become our true / post-knock selves before we can look at whether those selves work together. I can't see a romantic / sexual relationship with him, but companionship and cohabitation could be nice.
Sending a hug xx
Sometimes my brain tells me it's all over, and other times that I haven't yet decided. I don't think I'll know til I've seen the charges, or possibly until after sentencing. When I go back to work in 3 weeks it's going to be so hard, like you my job is immensely stressful and I'm not sure where I'll find my stamina from.
He's here most evenings after work, but is also working on himself (commendably, but it means less time to help me). I also need time apart from him every few days which is a mixed bag as my youngest child is v high needs and I get exhausted trying to keep both kids happy on my own. I resent any time he spends on himself when I think he should be helping me. I grieve for my old life, and financial security which will probably end with plea or sentencing.
Have you tried therapy, alone or as a couple? I'm having weekly psychology sessions through work health insurance, and am planning to do couples therapy once I'm on more of an even keel. I feel like we both need to become our true / post-knock selves before we can look at whether those selves work together. I can't see a romantic / sexual relationship with him, but companionship and cohabitation could be nice.
Sending a hug xx
I am several years down the line and have ended my relationship - at some point I will file for divorce.
I don't want to stay in the marital home so will have to sell and try and buy a small place myself. That's a scary prospect but I think it's something I need to do to be able to move on. Not sure how I will manage financially.
I don't want to stay in the marital home so will have to sell and try and buy a small place myself. That's a scary prospect but I think it's something I need to do to be able to move on. Not sure how I will manage financially.
Rose, I could have written your post myself. It's so hard. The longer this goes on the further I'm drifting away from my person through resentment and sadness of what a mess they've made. I think I'm coming to realise that my life and our relationship can never be the same again. I really don't see any other option. I'm too hurt, it's too big a mistake to forgive, it's literally ruined multiple lives. The longer this all goes on and the more I find out about what they've been upto the less I trust them, if it was ANYTHING else I could see us working through things to try save our marriage but if I'm totally honest staying together won't benefit anyone except him and I have to put my child and myself first. I don't have enough strength in me to save my marriage as well as everything else that's been piled onto my shoulders, sole parent, sole breadwinner and havjbgvtkk ok be mentally strong to get myself and my child through what's ahead. I can't fix a marriage on top of that....I can't do it all. He has to start helping himself more, without me nagging.
I feel for you too..... I have stayed and we are trying to work on our relationship but every week I think at the back of my mind, what happens if I find out more in x years time when it goes to court.
My OH is doing the work to engage with therapy & addiction but our house insurance can up for renewal so I asked him to enage with another company who didn't ask about convictions and he refused.
I think he hopes this will all go away...... I know it can not hang over his head forever but OMG is hanging over mine as one day we will be in court and one day SSs will be back in our lives and we have already been waiting 1
Last time I hid it all from friends, family,
My OH is doing the work to engage with therapy & addiction but our house insurance can up for renewal so I asked him to enage with another company who didn't ask about convictions and he refused.
I think he hopes this will all go away...... I know it can not hang over his head forever but OMG is hanging over mine as one day we will be in court and one day SSs will be back in our lives and we have already been waiting 1
Last time I hid it all from friends, family,
Hi
I also feel that I could've written your post. We had a great life together and I thought a solid relationship. I miss the him I knew and loved. I grieve for the relationship we had and could've had. I know that he isn't that person anymore. I sometimes get glimpses of the him I knew and loved. He has destroyed what we had. He wants to rebuild but I cannot.
I'm so financially dependent on him. I'm also running at a 100 miles an hour trying to keep everything going. For now I've told him I can only be his friend. I'm not in any position to go through the legal steps to end it. At the moment I'm working on a plan to become less financially dependent and to protect myself and my child as best I can. I don't trust his judgement so I've decided I need to start taking some control back. He dealt with all the financial stuff so it's a steep learning curve :-/ At the moment I'm just praying that this process takes longer so I have more time.
I've used the school holidays as practice for both of us spending time apart- it's hard not seeing him and it's hard when he is around.
All I can say I'd take things one step at a time. It's hard suddenly becoming a single parent when that's not how your life was set up.
Take care
I also feel that I could've written your post. We had a great life together and I thought a solid relationship. I miss the him I knew and loved. I grieve for the relationship we had and could've had. I know that he isn't that person anymore. I sometimes get glimpses of the him I knew and loved. He has destroyed what we had. He wants to rebuild but I cannot.
I'm so financially dependent on him. I'm also running at a 100 miles an hour trying to keep everything going. For now I've told him I can only be his friend. I'm not in any position to go through the legal steps to end it. At the moment I'm working on a plan to become less financially dependent and to protect myself and my child as best I can. I don't trust his judgement so I've decided I need to start taking some control back. He dealt with all the financial stuff so it's a steep learning curve :-/ At the moment I'm just praying that this process takes longer so I have more time.
I've used the school holidays as practice for both of us spending time apart- it's hard not seeing him and it's hard when he is around.
All I can say I'd take things one step at a time. It's hard suddenly becoming a single parent when that's not how your life was set up.
Take care